That Moment

That terrifying moment when you wake up from a dream in which you die...

That comforting moment when you remember there's someone there to console you...

That sad moment when you realize you were wrong...

That confusing moment when you wonder if you're still in a nightmare...

That desperate moment when you run outside and cry on the ground...

That frustrating moment when your hands shake too much to text, so you have to call... even though it's 3:00am.

That hysterical moment when your voice shakes too much to talk...

That awkward moment when you realize there's been a misunderstanding...

That relieving moment when you've been brought back form the "beyond tears" stage...

That long moment when you wonder how a person can still live through feeling this way...

That depressing moment when you cuddle a sweater... because that's all you have...

That uncomfortable moment when you don't know if you'll ever be the same again...

I could have gone the rest of my life without this sequence of moments.

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

Amour

Me: "You really are a conflict seeker."

Arthur: "No you're a hippopotamus."

Me: "And you don't listen to a word I say."

Arthur: "Thank you, I've been going to the gym lately."

Woops

Ever have one of those moments when you've realized you've made a drastic step backwards in the development of your emotional, physical, or spiritual advancement?

Yeah... It sucks. However with that realization you can pick yourself up and jump back on the right track. It's easier getting on the right track once you've been there before.

So thank you Me for that insight. I needed that.

Spoiler Allert, Kids!

The older I get the more frustrated I find myself becoming with the lessons they taught us as children growing up in this world. Disney teaches us that we will all find love and that love is worth any sacrifice. Our 1st grade teachers tell us we can achieve anything we want with enough hard work and we should never give up. Our parents constantly remind us that it is what's on the inside that counts.

These are all truly beautiful ideas. If the world worked this way it would be a much simpler and kinder place. And maybe that's why we were taught these ideals so young. The generations before us projecting their image of a perfect world onto us. It's a great thought. Really, it is... but life does not work this way. Don't get me wrong living your life with that kind of optimism and faith can really take you far. It's great to be so positive and you will reap the benefits. However...

You may not find love.
It's possible you'll be alone forever.
There's more to life than romantic love, and sometimes, there are thing far more important.
You cannot achieve "anything." There are many things that are impossible. And far too many things really do rely on natural talent.
You have to give up sometimes, otherwise you'll probably die at a young age over something really very stupid.
What's on the inside does matter a lot. But lets get real, life is easier for the aesthetically pleasing individual.

There are a hundred different ways I can take this thought from here. And someday I may expand on this. However today, the topic on my mind is sacrifice. One thing the sheltered 10 year old Emily had no concept of was graceful surrender. 10 year old me had no idea that loss was one of the hardest things to accept. 10 year old me was oblivious to the unavoidable lesson creeping up.
 
Give it a few years...

The first few times I lost something close to my heart I couldn't accept it. I held on to what I loved and fought for it tooth and nail. Even after the thing was gone I spent far too long holding on to what I thought was left. Had I known how much easier it was to let go. How much happier I would have been accepting the loss... It seemed like such a weak thing to do. I convinced myself that if I held on to these lost things, they'd somehow find their way back to me. Like they wouldn't have a choice. I thought I was being strong by holding on. Looking back I realize I was just too weak to abandon my delusions.

So here we reach one of the most difficult things I found about "the real world." Knowing when giving up is the bravest thing you can do. Knowing when letting go is the right course of action and accepting that you may have to hurt people, to do the right thing. I see so many people dragging their loved ones through hell just to hold onto a sliver of hope for a happy ending encompassing the team. I do believe that love is the most powerful thing on this earth. I think if you've found a connection that sparks and feeds off itself and lights the way thought the tough times, you should hold onto it tightly and give it your all. I also think that if you love someone (romantic or platonic) you should be willing to do what's best for them. At no, little or great sacrifice.

I've been feeling a little out of place the past week or two. I'm generally fairly happy with my life right now but something just seems off. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not sure where to go from here. Even if I did I'm not certain I'd know how to get there.

I like to think of myself not as a puzzle piece, but a puzzle, missing pieces. I've got one, maybe two sides matched up. But there's something that doesn't quite fit. It's not an empty space, but a space occupied by the wrong thing.

Nice Guys

I'm tired of guys always complaining about how girls date jerks and "nice guys finish last," and all that other bull. Let me lay it down for ya guys.

The Asshole Guy go to a party determined to hook up. He doesn't care who with. He honestly doesn't care if one girl turns him down. He doesn't care if five girls turn him down. He's totally prepared to move on to the next set of walking boobs. This guy, at most, is looking for a steady lay. He has zero interest in taking you out for a walk under the stars, ending with hot chocolate and a sweet kiss goodnight. Most likely he's just looking for some ass. The Asshole Guy has nothing to lose. He's only going to gain, however many girls he has to hit on before achieving this goal. Because he doesn't care about you, he can't get hurt by you. So he'll continue asking and asking until someone says yes, and that's good enough for him.

The Nice Guy isn't going to approach a girl he likes, get turned down, brush it off and move on to the next possible candidate that same minute. Nice Guy wants to make a connection, Nice Guy wants to share his feelings. But shared feelings lead to pain. Nice Guy knows this and is scared to approach a woman he shows real interest in because she has the ability to hurt him. So Nice Guy sits back, wishing he had the confidence to ask that pretty lady at the bar if he can buy her a drink, and watching as all the Assholes achieve his goals for him.

It's not that nice guys finish last. It's not that girls want to date douche-bag bros... It's that they're the only ones asking.

Also people wonder why nice guys date skanky hoes. Well Skanky Hoe is much like Asshole Guy. She's got nothing to lose, so she's the one walking up to Mr. Nice Guy. Any guy, really. And Nice Guy is just pleased to get the attention, and goes for it.

So there you have it. Granted many Nice Guy and Nice Girl couples do get together. But this whole messed up system of self consciousness and fear is really just making this crazy little thing called love a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

"You'll get by without me if you want."

I over think most things. Those who are close to me know this. I'm scared of hurting people. I'm scared of getting hurt. But honestly, playing it safe all the time is working against me. I spend so much of my life in fear. I'm constantly worried about what other people are thinking, or how they will react to something I do, say, or feel. I'm sick of it. I didn't used to be this way. It's just so difficult to do something again, that's hurt so terribly in the past. But dammit... I'm tired of hiding how I feel. I'm tired of being scared. I'm not doing it anymore. If you can't handle how I feel, or the way I act, I don't need you. If I feel more strongly than you do, so what? I'm an emotional and passionate person. Fucking deal with it.

"It's all fun and games..."

"It's more scared of you than you are of it."
So that's why it's going to hurt me?

"Survival of the fittest."

Kill or be killed, right?

"All's fair in love and war."

So what's the difference?

*sigh*
I don't much like these games.

It's meant to be shared...

But always keep a piece for yourself.

Just when I think it's all falling apart...
Just when I'm starting to wonder if this was a good idea...
Just when I'm starting to question your motives...
And just when I start to let myself slip away...

You pull me back in.

You make me feel more like a woman than any man ever has. You make me feel sexy and irresistible. You make me feel special. You make me feel intelligent and confident. You make me feel amazing.

And then you let me starve. Hunger for you, crave you.

You tease me.

---

And I love it.

Summer '11 memories

This summer has been so full and exciting. I've spent so many beautiful days and nights reaching out and getting to know my friends better. Every Summer I wish I kept a list. Something to look back on. Then I realized that's kinda what my blog is for anyway. It's a place I can go to remind myself of what I've done, felt and thought. So here's my list from this summer so far. The most memorable of events =)

Time with friends...
Birthday festivities with Timmy and Meghan.
Floating the river with Ashleigh.
Playground time with Laci and Daniel.
Getting junk food with David and eating it on itchy terrible grassy fields.
Swings with Timmy and eclectic groups.
Hunting Cake with Marc and Joe
Solstice Fair walking around with Laci and Sean
Awkward bolwing with Hannah, Blaine, Vince and Buster.
Eventually finding and watching A Comedy of Errors with Lavina.
Dressing up getting ready for costume parties with Hannah.
Working out, eating Thai food and talking about boys with Laci.
Staying up until 7am talking philosophy with Ivyl, Jacob and Aaron.


The parties...
Harry Potter party at Sam's- Then seeing the movie with Sam, Sam, Laura and Marc
The Deity party- Tackled by a nun.
The movie character party- "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim, cha-roo!"
The white trash party- Then Family Restaurant group
Ashleigh's Birthday Party- We found a boat!
The accidental party at Timmy's- Battle Waltzing!
Girls night at Hannahs' =P

The events...
Clucking Blossom- Got The Court back together for a second.
The failed flash mob- Got to dance so whatever!
AYP- Painted Lavina's stomach, preformed, chilled with Mikey, Kat, Atigun, Sean, David.
The Hot Mess- Preformed at The Marlin


The trips...
Life altering trip to Arizona.
Hiking Trip with Laci, Elle and Alisha
Mind blowing trip to Anderson.
Chena Hot Springs trip with Laura and Sam.
Camping with Adam.

The boys...
Adam, Lee, Alex, Ethan
lol If nothing else I have some pretty good stories!

I'm sure there is more to come. The fair is coming up and that always ends up being an adventure. And I'll probably have to come back and add to what I remember anyway.

Wishing

Days like this remind me why I go to the lengths I go to to become this person I'm working at becoming. Days like this when I go to the gym and work off every last bite of food I've consumed. Days like this when I reach out to people who give me little to nothing back. Days like this when I make appointments to get my hair done for a price I can't afford. Days like this when I try my very hardest not to say anything disagreeable or offensive. Days like this when I keep my mouth shut in fear of saying something wrong. Days like this when I stare into the mirror for lengthy amounts of time, wishing I was born with different skin. Days like this break my heart. There aren't many days like this. I love life and I love me. But sometimes, on days like this, I wish someone else did too. 

Chin up Bright Eyes, loneliness can't last forever.

Peaceful Loss

I seem to be playing a lot of games lately. There's this theme in life right now that I'm beginning to catch onto. The art of peaceful loss. I learned a few months ago that some things can be let go of without struggle. And I don't just have to pretend anymore. I can let go with confidence and ease. Finally I am capable of saying, "Hey, this isn't good for me. I don't need it in my life."
A friend who didn't respect me.
A man who could never love me.
A sister who didn't want me.
And a boy who used me.
All of these people I love on various levels. All four of them I care about to no end. Each one of them has made my life better and brightened my world. But right now, none of them need to be in my life. They might wonder back. I may have let my emotional attachments go but I am not above working to rebuild. Life will never stop moving and changing and I think a big part of finding happiness is learning to move and change with life, without losing yourself along the way. And that's my 2am rant on friends and lovers and the in-between.

Catch and Release

I'm not going to shed a single tear for this. Another missed opportunity. Another name to add to the list of "what ifs." One more fish in the sea. But I can accept this. I didn't get a chance to know you very well, but I know enough to see you as a beautiful human being. It's sad. It's frustrating. Also, it's not a big deal. I have other options and better things coming. But loneliness wasn't my motivation. You were. I'm not writing this off completely. The future is a mystery and I wouldn't doubt our paths will cross one day. Until then, if then exists, I'm content just knowing I live in the same world as you. That thought alone makes things a little brighter.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Happiness vs Love

I know what I want... But I'm kind of hoping I can't have it. The one thing standing in my way is starting to feel like a blessing... Maybe I'm not just scared. Maybe I know what's good for me and for once I'm telling myself to protect me. Me, before anyone else. Maybe this time together isn't enough. No matter how safe it is, no matter how direct the situation is, no matter how right it feels... Maybe this time I'm not willing to be another kind of miserable. Love and happiness are not the same thing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Who's morals are these?

I never thought I would be in this position. This is one of those places in life that has always seemed so black and white. And suddenly I'm standing in a giant, confusing blob of gray. I'm torn between what I've grown up believing, and what feels right. The social norm clashes so comically with the logical yet twisted reasonings of this situation. I can't help but to laugh. At the same time however, I can see this with a potentially harmful end. But the normal routs leading to companionship and happiness rarely work for me. Maybe it is time to branch out. I'm making no rash decisions.

Maybe this time...

He makes me:

Smile

Laugh

Blush

Hope

Dream

Feel

Excited

Nervous

Grateful

Comfortable

He makes me happy.

Here we go again.

Marriage

Is happening tomorrow. It'll be a great life.
He's amazing, and he loves me for me. What more can you ask for?

Rear View Mirror

Wrote this a little while ago...

Dear Keenan,
There's no way to put into words the way you've made me feel. And let's be honest, there never was. A part of me knows that I'm okay without you. A part of me knows I don't need you. But then there's this part that doesn't remember how to be without you. There's this part that simply was not ready to have myself torn from you. We did everything together. For a year. Over a year. We ate together, played together, laughed together and cried together. We breathed together. Our brains caught onto a similar frequency and we just went with it. Together. I don't need you to live. I don't need you to be happy. But that's what I want. More than anything right now in my life that is what I want. And for that, I need you. You've left me at this point where I don't know how to feel. confused by your mood changes and detached words and phrases. You asked me if I would take you back. And yes, I would. Because I don't feel this is the end. Whatever you decide, don't keep me waiting...