Derp.

I thought going back to school would make me feel smarter. I assumed that getting a promotion meant I was more capable than I had been previously. I thought I'd feel better about and more comfortable inside my own brain as time went on. But when I do my school assignments, I'm never happy with them. At work I feel like I don't know a damn thing. The older I get the less comfortable I become in my level of maturity and intelligence. This could be because I am constantly challenging myself. I went for a new job, even when I didn't feel ready. Twice! I went back to school even though I feel like one of those people who doesn't belong there. I am surrounded by people older than me. Most of my friends are older than I am. I've been the youngest in my position level at work for almost a year. Even my boyfriend is seven years older than me. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of time playing catch up. And living with this intense hope that no one else can tell.

More than anything I want to sink back into a quiet, dark, inconspicuous little existence.Where I can do what I want without being noticed, live a supremely unimpressive life and have nothing expected of me. But it's like I have two voices in my head. The quieter one is more persuasive, and keeps me dragging the loud, terrified, uncomfortable voice along, through whatever new adventure I'm told to pursue.

Dreams

I remember a time when I felt so much passion for life that I could barely contain it. I remember contemplating the vast possibilities that lay before me at a very young age. I had dreams once. It's hard to remember now but I can vaguely recall wanting to be older, wanting to be doing these great things I knew I would one day do. A little bit of life happened, and a moment later, all I wanted was to be happy. The more I lost, the less I wanted. I lost sight of the things I wanted after I lost what I needed. When someone asks me what I want from life I respond modestly; "I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want enough money to live comfortably. I want love." Why have I let my necessities become my goals? Living a comfortable life isn't a dream. It's something I should simply refuse to live without. But after I have everything I need in place, what do I work for? Some people are lucky. Some people have dreams. I forgot how to dream a long time ago. What's the point of a person with no dreams?

That Moment

That terrifying moment when you wake up from a dream in which you die...

That comforting moment when you remember there's someone there to console you...

That sad moment when you realize you were wrong...

That confusing moment when you wonder if you're still in a nightmare...

That desperate moment when you run outside and cry on the ground...

That frustrating moment when your hands shake too much to text, so you have to call... even though it's 3:00am.

That hysterical moment when your voice shakes too much to talk...

That awkward moment when you realize there's been a misunderstanding...

That relieving moment when you've been brought back form the "beyond tears" stage...

That long moment when you wonder how a person can still live through feeling this way...

That depressing moment when you cuddle a sweater... because that's all you have...

That uncomfortable moment when you don't know if you'll ever be the same again...

I could have gone the rest of my life without this sequence of moments.

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

I've been feeling a little out of place the past week or two. I'm generally fairly happy with my life right now but something just seems off. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not sure where to go from here. Even if I did I'm not certain I'd know how to get there.

I like to think of myself not as a puzzle piece, but a puzzle, missing pieces. I've got one, maybe two sides matched up. But there's something that doesn't quite fit. It's not an empty space, but a space occupied by the wrong thing.

Wishing

Days like this remind me why I go to the lengths I go to to become this person I'm working at becoming. Days like this when I go to the gym and work off every last bite of food I've consumed. Days like this when I reach out to people who give me little to nothing back. Days like this when I make appointments to get my hair done for a price I can't afford. Days like this when I try my very hardest not to say anything disagreeable or offensive. Days like this when I keep my mouth shut in fear of saying something wrong. Days like this when I stare into the mirror for lengthy amounts of time, wishing I was born with different skin. Days like this break my heart. There aren't many days like this. I love life and I love me. But sometimes, on days like this, I wish someone else did too. 

Chin up Bright Eyes, loneliness can't last forever.

Demented

I had a dream last night that makes me question the sanity of my subconscious.

I'm there in a group of people. Around 30 I'm assuming. Two of which are talking crabs and one of which is an infant. There's a guy standing in the middle of the group of people giving some kind of speech. He's tall, dark and wearing a cape. He asks the woman with the baby if he can borrow her child. She lets him.. The man grabs the kid and continues with his speech. After a few minutes he takes the sword from his side and stabs the baby. The only "people" who seem effected at all is the mother and the two crabs. The man hols up the dead baby and continues his speech.

It's been too long.

I had a dream last night that he was there. Everyone was there... But he was next to me. I tried to leave but he put his hand on my shoulder. He held me there. And Everyone was pretending not to notice. All my best friends were there. I looked over at Hannah and Sam and they looked away. He leaned in and started talking to me. I don't know what he was saying but it hurt. I tried to get up but he held me there. His voice got angrier and angrier. I kept hoping someone would say or do something. I started crying. I looked across the room at Adam and he just stared at me. I looked at Marc and he looked away. His voice got louder and angrier...

Then I woke up. Crying. Terrified.
It makes me feel so pathetic.

When will this go away?

Help me Freud...

A few night ago I had a dream that there was this box full of little (like 2 inches tall) naked, Asian men. And one black guy. They were all stacked facing down and I was taking them out, putting stickers on their backs and laying them down in a row on the table. In the background I heard a voice, "You're a good person Emily. You're doing the right thing." So I put them all back in the box and set it on the window seal.

Last night I had a dream I was at some kind of school or camp or something. And Everyone slept in bathtubs. After I got all my stuff set up around the bathtub in the corner I went into this room where a hamster was having babies. As in... little colorful blobs were streaming from the tip of her nose, turning into hamster shapes and crawling into a bowl. When two blogs combined the babies was full and alive. She had 4 babies. The girls were both purple.

Lost Dream?

I had a dream last night that I don't think was mine. In the dream I was in a group of people who I knew. There was a tall girl with blonde hair and green eyes who I knew was my best friend. There was a guy there, that I knew I liked... Or had liked. We were all hanging out in someones house. It was a place I was familiar with. I've never seen myself in a dream but I saw me in a mirror and I wasn't myself. Well, not now anyway. I'm fairly certain that last night I had someone elses dream. The only problem with this idea is that the brain doesn't work like that. Does it? We all think of the mind as a self contained unit. The brain doesn't leak thoughts. It seems bizarre to imagine brain waves bouncing around the ionosphere just looking for a receiver for their electric messages. If that were true would people ever be able to finish a thought? Or even have a personality of their own? However, if you go back to the idea of thought simply being electrically powered particles holding information until it can be passed on somewhere else... why should they not get mixed up here and there. If things like the aurora can interfere with radio signals whats to say a radio signal or something of that sort can't interfere with thoughts? I wonder if there was an appearence of the northern lights last night... That seems to be the one way this would make sense. Brain waves surfing on synaptic junctions... Flowing around... and who knows, getting mixed up?

I Dream Of Marionettes

I could be the puppeteer. I could hold the strings and make things work and occur exactly how they’re supposed to. I could pull the ends and watch them dance to the music of my own creation. I could learn to sing. I could learn to fly. I could speak 13 foreign languages at least. I could twist the plot of their story. I could put smiles on everyone’s face. Even mine. I could create a “perfect” world. I could you know. I really could…

I'll sleep on it

I had a really good dream a few nights ago... I was happy in it and things were going really well for me. I hate waking up from dreams like that. Happy dreams are the worst because you always just have to go back into a less satisfying world.

But when dreams come true... Doesn't happen often but wow.. amazing huh? I had a dream come true once. I dreamed about someone... a really vague dream but eventually the guy of my dreams showed up.. then he left. Never said goodbye but he came back in a dream and said it. "Will you be here when I wake up?" "Only in your heart babe... Always, in your heart." And that's all I have. That's all I'll ever have..

I dreamed I was happy. And I will be... How? I don't know. I have ideas. I have hopes. No one likes hearing me complain all the time. Trust me I don't enjoy it either. There's some simple answers to what would make me happy. However getting there is difficult. That dream is kind of haunting me... Things were so good. I was happy. I had friends. I had a boyfriend. There's got to be a way to be happy.. Even if I can't make my dream come true. Bleh... I'll sleep on it.


A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?