Goodbye?

So this blog has become too heavy. I'm trying to move to a new chapter of my life and I feel like I need to disconnect myself from this place. 

I have started a new blog http://theneuroticsocialphobic.wordpress.com/

This blog is also heavy but I'm determined to use it to document me rising from the ashes. (So Dramatic!) The new blog is also more focused. I have realized my Anxiety is an issue I need to actually DEAL WITH and not just complain about. So I am on a healthy journey upward, starting by diving deep to the bottom of my emotional and metal mater. I may return here now and then but the majority of posts will be posted elsewhere. 

Thank you Parenthetical Me for the many, many years of creativity and expression.

I find nothing more cathartic and liberating than sitting with a good friend and having a truly honest and fearless conversation about my innermost thoughts and feelings. And that is something I haven't done in a very long time.

My inability to communicate leaves me with an intense feeling of pent-up expression. Everything I feel (and I admit, I often feel too much) gets trapped under my skin. Negative and positive emotions colliding together in such abundance makes it impossible for me to direct the energy outward in any logical manner. With no outlet, and no real grasp on any specific feeling at a given time, the pressure intensifies by the day.

As much as I want to say to someone,

"Hey, do you have time to talk? I feel terrible. Always. And I need your help."

or

"I have crazy bad social anxiety and would really appreciate it if you took the lead on a conversation about me."

or

"I'm moments away from implosion, care to lend an ear?"

All I can seem to manage is asking someone to have coffee, then sitting there in silence as they tell me their problems.
And don't get me wrong, I love being there for people and am glad they feel I can be trusted... I just wish I had a fraction of the courage they have when expressing their feelings. And it's probably not even "courage" to other people. It's probably "normal."

I don't know what happened to me. I can remember a time when my feelings were something I expressed to anyone willing to listen. I felt powerful expressing myself and in turn gaining the care, trust and love of people close to me.

But I've shut down.

I feel like the ones close to me don't even know me. Because anymore I don't even know me. I can't express myself to anyone else and I can't express myself to me.

All I know are disjointed feelings and incomplete thoughts.

I'm

lonely without

sad because

scared of

frustrated with

disappointed at

lost in

confused about

anxious when

I don't know what to do about this and it's been going on far too long. Over a year's gone by and I've felt the same way the whole time. I [don't]deal with it in very unhealthy ways and I know it's time to find an outlet. But I can't find a way out. And I just can't seem to ask for the help. 

Because lets face it. This is pathetic. I'm too good/smart/capable/old for this shit. And the feeling I would surely get when explaining this all would only make me feel worse. More shame, fear and regret is just not something I've got room for. 

I'm stuck.

I could use a time machine...

I just don't feel like I belong in this world of tweets, texts and selfies. I'm a modest girl and a private person. I force the occasional status update or Instagram picture out into the world, but I'm just not comfortable with it. I'm not a social [media] butterfly but that doesn't mean I don't want attention. It doesn't mean I have no thoughts or opinions. It doesn't mean I don't want friends. With social media you can decide what traits to share with the world. Maybe I want my friends to like me despite seeing the traits I'm not comfortable posting online. Personally I think that's the key to a deeper friendship. I don't want to have a heart to heart through my phone. I want real life love. Unfortunately for people like me, feeling this way only leads to loneliness.

Unavoidable Anxiety

Unavoidable anxiety attack.

Someone asks me to do something I don't want to do.

If I do it, I'm in a position I don't want to be in.

Ergo, anxiety

If I don't do it I'm not living up to someone's expectations and now they're probably judging me. ... No, they're definitely judging me.

So yeah, obvious anxiety.

And what if I'm being asked something obviously unreasonable?

Well it makes sense to them apparently so what if I'm the one with the warped point of view??

=Anxiety. 

I'm sick of feeling so awful all the time...

Book #1 - The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Woa

My New Years Resolution is to Read at least 25 books this year. I searched through many book recommendation lists and (because I'm me) vlogs. Any book I saw come up in more than two lists I put down on my list. I'm going to write a little bit about each book here in my blog mainly so I can look back and remember them better.

The first book I read was The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Woa.

I wanted to do a quick book summary but just thinking about it bores me.
I did not enjoy this book as much as I was expecting to. It was honestly more like a series of short stories and that type of novel is just not really me cup of tea. It changes narrators 2 or 3 times and changes protagonists 5 or 6 times. Once I got into one story and started feeling for the character the book would move me to another character in another time. The story I got most into was actually the story of Oscars mother. Had the whole book been about her I may have enjoyed it more. As you can probably guess by the title of the book Oscar does die in the end... And I didn't even care.

K, on to the next book!

Saying Goodbye

It's just an understanding. It's a realization of time and fate, of love and loss... of mortality. I'd give anything to live in a world of blissful ignorance. I'd do anything to remove this understanding. I've been aware since the beginning that forever is a myth and every piece of life is temporary. We get what we need from outside influences, but nothing can give forever. No one has an infinite supply of anything and no one should give everything to one person alone. It's holding on that hurts, not letting go. A broken heart can heal, but a heart forever under fire will never be whole. So let us break our hearts, dear friend. I will always love you for everything you are and everything you've ever done for me. I'll carry a piece of you in my heart and find comfort knowing you exist somewhere in my world. And that will have to be enough.

Mostly For Me

Okay no one reads this blog anymore. Maybe Sam... Hi Sam!!! Anyway, this is personal, but nothing worth hiding and something I really just need to find a way to put into words. Some stories probably. Some inner workings of my brain. I don't know really. To whom it may concern I recently realized my anxiety issues extend beyond normal anxiety. I'm not just shy. I'm not just tense. And I'm very annoyed I didn't realize I had these issues until recently.

I'm constantly worried about how people are perceiving me. I'm scared I'm saying something dumb. I'm scared I'm not speaking clearly. I'm scared they're judging me. ... For HOURS after a conversation I will still have my stupid, fragmented sentences floating around in my head. I can't help but figure out how exactly I SHOULD have said everything I said wrong. And no, not only after some conversations. After EVERY conversation. I'm okay around Arthur. I'm usually okay around Sam. But 90% of my conversations leave behind a lingering sinking feeling of regret.

I get nervous when I'm shopping. The worst was the day I just wanted a can of soup, a Harry Potter DVD and a diet coke. I went to Walmart. Before I even made it into the store I started worrying. What if someone sees me and thinks I'm supposed to be working? Will they think I'm a slacker? Will they think less of me? So I left and went to Fred Meyer. The parking lot at Fred's was way too full and just trying to find a parking spot was making my hands shake and my lungs shrink. I went to Safeway. At Safeway I found the soda and went to find the soup I wanted. I stood in front of the soup for maybe half an hour. I couldn't decide. I kept wondering which soup would make the least of an impression on the cashier. What does chicken noodle say about me? Am I boring? Tomato? No... The cashier will wonder if I have stained teeth. Well if they wonder they'll HAVE to look. What if I DO have stained teeth? Can I get away with checking out without saying anything/opening my mouth at all? No... What if they ask me a question? I can't just NOT say anything. Okay no, not Tomato, definitely NOT tomato! Chicken and dumplings? How many calories? 310?? Oh god no the cashier will think I have no self control! Chili? No... Then the cashier will think I'm gassy. Never mind! I'm going to the Fred Meyer across town! So there I was at the other Fred's, when I ran into a Vendor who used to work at Walmart. I got freaked out and went to the second Safeway. At Safeway before I even tried to do my shopping I saw a guy I had taken a class with the previous semester. Immediately, I left. I went to blockbuster where I knew no one ever shops. I got my movie, got my soda, gave up on the idea of soup and went home to have a panic attack.

I've lost most of my friends in the past few years. And I know now that It's entirely my fault. I can blame it on my anxiety all I want but my anxiety IS me. I get hurt very easily. I'm hyper-sensitive to the words of other people and my brain and heart feed off the feelings emoted in my direction. I've had a lot of people in my life "leave" me. I've had a lot of people break up with me. I've had a lot of people hate me. And I guess that's normal. But however hard I try to fight it, my brain takes everything SO personally. I've got to a point in the recent years where I am just scared of my friends. I'm terrified. I'm constantly worried about saying something wrong, Every time I go to see my friends I'm scared that will be the time I say that awful thing, the time I do something so rude and thoughtless that I will lose that friend forever. I avoid seeing my friends in fear that I will push them away. And yes, I know I can't freeze time and keep my friendships the way they are. I know not seeing or talking to people DOES push them away. But I'm just SO scared of messing up. I've had close conversations with friends on Facebook chat that have made me so uncomfortable I need sleeping pills to get ANY sleep for days after. Whenever I open up to someone I worry I've said too much and now that that person knows more about me they're going to realize I'm not someone they want to know at all. I've blocked friends on Facebook for that reason. I've gone too far, now the only way to save the friendship is to freeze it. Block them and never say another word. But no... That's not how you save friendships... That's how you lose them. But mustering up the courage to open a dialog seems impossible sometimes. Every single text I send is written out and deleted about 10 times before I feel comfortable enough to send it. Most of the time I never find a wording that doesn't make me feel self conscious and I just never send the text. I've written hundreds of "I miss you"s and "I need your help"s in the past few years. None of them have made it to the other side. It's all my own doing. I just wish I was in more control of me.I have been fighting it lately. But it's hard.

It's a damn good day if I can answer a phone call. What if it's someone calling to yell at me? I'll usually wait for my phone to stop ringing, with intent to send a text in response. But of course the text usually gets caught somewhere in the inhibitions between reason and fear.

I've made countless excuses for not going out. I get so stressed at the idea of being in a social situation that getting ready to go turns me into an angry, emotional, irrational lunatic. Sometimes I force it out of myself. Sometimes I can't muster the energy and just make excuses. "I have to work late." "I have other plans." "Car troubles." (That one is true more than I'd like it to be.) "I'm broke." "Headache" after giving the excuse I usually sit at home being angry at myself the rest of the day.

I have a hard time getting things done.

I know I have to get my car fixed... But I'll have to talk to the mechanic and I KNOW he's going to tell me I've done something awful and stupid to my car and I KNOW he's going to judge me on my messy car with no bumper and bald tires.

I know I need to go get my test results, but what if I have some kind of gross disease or something's so wrong with me that the doctor will think I'm stupid for not coming in sooner??

I know I need to deposit my check. But what if the teller looks in my account and sees that I'm poor? Or looks at my checks and see I work at Walmart and a Church. Surely the teller could come up with some reason to judge me just on those things!

I know I need a haircut. But I've dyed my own hair since I last got a haircut. And maybe the hairdresser will notice I did a bad job. Maybe the hairdresser won't put as much effort into my hair because I'm one of "those" people that dye their own hair. Too poor for a professional. To incompitant to do it right. Maybe I'll look worse after. I already hate the way I look... I can't even stomach the thought of looking WORSE!!!

I'm a mess at work. I'm a manager, so the stress is going to be high no matter what. But with all the insanity in my head sometimes it's unbearable. I'm always wondering if the people over me are regretting promoting me. Are they plotting to replace me? Do they think I'm any good at all? And on the other side I'm worried about how the people under me are perceiving me. Do they take me seriously? Do they have faith in me? Do they respect me? Am I even good at being a leader?
I'm a hard worker. But it's honestly only because I'm terrified of being yelled at. I'm terrified of someone thinking I'm lazy. I'm terrified of not being good enough in someone else's eyes. Which is normal. But... to this extent?

The first real memory I have of this kind of anxiety is way back in elementary school. I can remember missing the school bus and having a panic attack. Yes, a little 7 year old panic attack. I'd hyperventilate and cry. My parents always laughed at me for it. But it was no laughing matter in my little brain. I was horrified by the thought of walking into school late. The teachers asking why, all the other students looking at me, watching me come in to class and sit down. Having everyone's eyes on me at the same time... Judging. This fear carried on into my adult life. Very few things are as scary to me as being late. What will my coworkers think of me? Will their views of me change if I'm late? Will they trust me? Will they make assumptions? 
There was one day a few months ago, I was about ready to leave for work, I looked out my bedroom window to our little parking lot to make sure the coast was clear. I don't go out to my car if one of our neighbors is out there. Unfortunately this day my neighbor was cleaning out his car. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it would be okay I could not make myself go outside to my car. I waited there at the window, watching, waiting for the guy to leave so I could get to my car. I ended up being half an hour late to work. The stress of being late and the thoughts of what everyone must be thinking about me where weighing so heavily on me that day I must have spent half my day hiding in the back room crying.

Apart from all these stories there's the little things. The nightmares. The self destruction. The violence. The secrets. The shame. Craving alcohol daily to help me express myself and feel less. It's exhausting. It's lonely. It's me.

How I went so long without realizing I have a social anxiety disorder is beyond me. Ever since the idea was brought up to me it's been painfully obvious. I know everyone gets stressed. I know everyone worries. But I feel like if I keep lying to myself about not being any different than everyone else, I'll never be able to fix me.

I feel better today.

That is all.

Stuck

I just want to scream! All the time! I want to yell and cry and find a way to get someone, ANYONE to understand this feeling!!! 

... But I can't. And finally realizing why has made it so much worse. I need help. But I can't find it. I don't know how to ask for it.

I'm stuck.

Wasted

It's funny how the people who want to hurt me most end up becoming my best and most powerful motivational forces. 

You want to hurt me? Okay, but you'll have to play by my rules.

Let the games begin.

Lost Within

It sucks having something really messing up your life that you can't even talk about. When every single action and decision takes into account something no one knows about, it's hard for others to see any sense in it.

I know I look strange.

I know I act strange.

But it's all because I'm scared.

Of what exactly?

...I don't know.

And I couldn't explain it if I did know. And that's half the problem right there

Isn't it?

Waves

There I was, sitting silent and still, watching the ground fade away, then return. Every last blade of grass flowed together in a fluid, synchronized motion. The surrounding flowers and trees seemed to share my apprehention. They breathed with me. Swelling with air and confidence at every inhale... Then deflating with doubt and fear with my escaping breath.

With nowhere to go I felt the strongest urge to leave. I had to try. I had no choice but to trust on the tiniest glimmer of hope hiding in the back corner of my mind, telling me that one cannot sink into grass, dirt and stone like one may sink into the darkest, deepest ocean. I suppose I knew that. I must have known... But there the ground was. And there the ground wasn't. I was sure it was taunting me, daring me to call it on its bluff, only to let me sink deep into the ever-changing, submerging waves of grass.

I stepped into it. On the way down I experienced, not for the first time, that kind of sad and slow surreal decent into madness. But there I stood, perfectly grounded and stable on the grassy path in the garden.

Welcome back, Emily.

Lonely

Me: "I'm off Friday, do you work?"

Arthur: "No I'm off too."

Me: "Woo! Party!"

Arthur: "Do you want to have a party?"

Me: "Oh god no."

Me: "I'm not anti-social."

Arthur: "You're not. You just don't have any friends, never go anywhere and hate everyone."

Both of these conversations make me laugh. And they'd probably make me laugh more if they wernt laced with unfortunate truth.

Why do I keep myself so isolated? 

a. It's out of my control. I try but I don't get along with many people or our schedules don't mesh.

b. I'm scared of getting hurt. So I'm scared of getting close.

c. I have secrets that I'm hiding from the world. If anyone gets too close, it might blow my cover.

d. I'm self conscious and anxious the idea of social interaction terrifies me.

e. I like feeling sorry for myself.

f. I simply like being a loner. I only need 1 or 2 friends and 90% of the time I'd rather be alone because I don't like people.

g. I have a hard time expressing my emotions. So much of a hard time that I'd really rather just not do it at all.

This may sound odd but I honestly have NO clue with option is the truth. How does anyone know so little about themselves??

The Quote Book

My old group of friends used to have the craziest, silliest and stupidest nights ever. We wrote a bunch of quotes from those nights down in a little notebook I just found. I need to declutter my bookslef so I decided to just make a document of those quotes here.

Reading through these I honestly don't know where half of them came from. But I also remember that that group of friends was the best group of friends I have ever and will ever be a part of. Yes, other(and some of the same) great friends exist in my world, and I'm sure more are to come. But that group was a family. Or so we thought. Never in my life had my heart been filled with so much love for so many different beautiful people. And nothing and no one will ever be able to erase it from my memory.

Now, I'm done with the sentimental rambling.
Here are The Quotes!

"Lavina is a peaceful warrior. She wouldn't understand your Blood Tribe ways." -Timmy

"Who's my perfect match again?" -Hannah
"Santa Clause." -Will

"No pagan God can save THIS!" -Timmy

"Bitch be mocking me!" -Timmy

"I say we behead the sea cow." -Timmy

"Fucking Timmy..." -Everyone

"I don't turn my back on my sea cows." -Timmy

"He would have bled. But he would have slept!" -David

"That's a G.... That's a G... That's a G.... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE A 9!!?" -David
 
"You were a cartoon duck!" -Lavina

"You need to... I forget." - Emily

"Woah, look at his face!" -Timmy
"It's creepin' me out!" -Lavina

"It's like... It's like... a demon sheep goat!" -David

"That's stupid."-Emily
"That's logic." -Timmy
"Same thing!" -Emily

"You can't just be a monkey and not expect to get murdered." -Emily

"Speaking of pockets, did you ever find that onion?" -Emily

"Dammit! I forgot my name again!" -Hannah

"Aww Shit, that's some pissed off laundry!" -David

"I wasn't blind. I just couldn't see." -Emily

"Who would want their last words to be, 'Now I'm pissed... Oops?!'" -Lavina

"You don't even know what you're talking about. They don't have cereal at taco bell." -Emily

"I don't think you want to smell this movie..." -Unknown?

"Did you just call David a winner?" -Emily
"No. I called him a cheater." -Timmy

"The world is overpopulated because we're saving the sick!" -Jade

"Cripples. My biggest turn-on." -Emily

"That's an unfair fight. There's TWO balloons and only ONE battle axe!" -Emily

"You would." -Lavina
"Yes, we would!" -Timmy
"Und we did." -Emily

"You're a baby murderer!" -Timmy
"You're a skinny, gray, venus fly trap!" -Emily

"Okay so... What's an A.I.?" -Cody
"Artificial Intelligence." -Lavina
"Oh. I didn't see that movie." -Cody

"Look at my fucking squid!" -Will

"Moo. ... I said MOO DAMMIT!!" -Emily

Feelings?

I'm not sure when it happened but sometime within the past 5 or 6 years I've trained myself to be ashamed of having emotions. I guess part of it is after those terrible teen age years the emotional roller coaster has slowed down and is now more like an emotional mini van. So feeling strongly about things happens less often then it did before. Emotions are a natural and healthy thing for a person to experience, but for some reason I don't always feel entitled to them. I feel especially strange if I express said emotions to someone else. If I'm ever angry, sad, scared or whatever and I break down and tell someone how I feel... DISASTER!!! I feel so incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable. It's hard for me to know how to talk to that person after they know how my brain works. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to look them in the eye. I want nothing more than to dig a deep dark empty pit and just lay in it. People feel things, and that's okay. Just not for me.