I'm looking for a friend...

You may have seen this on my MySpace. Just thought I'd share. Again.

I'm looking for a friend. It isn't urgent. I can wait. But I've always got an eye open. I connect better with guys but sadly I'm bad at keeping them in my life. I'm looking for the one you can trust. The friend who may not agree with me, but respects my opinions. The one who trust me to help them and be a part of their life. A friend who bothers being in mine... Someone who will keep a promise. Someone who will stick around. Someone who will support me and give me modivation. Someone who WON'T try to date me! But someone who can learn to love me anyway. As a friend. Someone who can accept my imperfections and understand my insecurities. Someone who can stand back and give me an outside opinion when I need it. Someone with advice. Good or bad, as long as they care enough to give it. I'm not looking for someone to write the lyrics of my life... Just someone who will sing along.

Where Am I?

Unfamiliar ground. I'm sitting here alone, alone and content. Confused as ever and habitually upset. But for what? I'm lonely by choice this time. It's easier to deal with being alone if you don't fight against it first. People tell me I'm not dealing with my problems. What problems? I don't have any other than medical stuff. Guy problems? No... I don't have a boy, and don't want one. Friend problems? No... All my friends are where they want to be in my life. Most are farther away than usual but I'm fine with that. Truly and honestly, I'm fine with it. Something's clearly missing in my life. What? I don't know. It's not that I miss anyone really. I'll always miss being with Christian... I'll always miss Adam and Ashley. But as far as people I can actually see, I don't feel the need to draw anyone closer. The only problem in my life is I'm lonely. But what I'm missing isn't something or someone I miss, it's an unknown. I'm not unhappy. I'm not happy. I simply... am. Where am I? I've been asking myself that question since I got here. Feels like I'm somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere. Where to from here?

It really is a battle...

I was in a good mood today. I mean.. I got plenty of sleep… had fun in all my classes. Skipped math with Allyson, got coffee, had fun with Lavina and Hannah after school. Had a decent time at dance, got an awesome surprise text… don’t even have homework. So.. I’m in a good mood right? Well I told myself today I’d be happy. And I was but it’s like catching smoke. Happiness just slips through my grasp. I don’t even have much to be terribly depressed over right now. I’m not heartbroken from Christian anymore, I don’t care about Garrett, school’s easy, I’m enjoying work, dance is… well it’s decent. I’m less miserable than I’ve been in the past year but I’m just not happy. I can’t be happy. Life goes well and I have to struggle to not fall into this stupor… It’s like my fall back plan. If I don’t know what emotion to feel go to sadness because I’m used to dealing with it. ??? I really don’t know. I’m just sick of being unhappy. Everyone say, “Create your own happiness.” I try, and I can’t. I can decide to be in a good mood… but it doesn’t work. I just slip back to where I started. Not depression, just… this low feeling. I can laugh and appreciate life and the people around me. I just don’t feel how I should. I don’t know what to do. Or if there’s even anything I can do. Not entirely sure why I wrote this.. But, here it is.