It's Settled

After many late nights, tossing and turning...
After years wondering and wishing...
After all the confusion, stress and agony...

I've finally found a solution.

I've decided to live forever.

Suck it.

Esprit De Corps

To be alone is one of the most feared fates of mankind. Some fear isolation above all else. Above failure, above pain and even above death. Without companionship we don't feel human. We don't feel safe. Without love in our hearts our negative thoughts and feelings bounce off the walls, piercing and reverberating through our very bones. The cushion of friendship saves us from ourselves. We need each other. We know we need each other. Yet somehow this is a world filled with lonely hearts. An incommodious bubble of disarray, collectively filing and floating through the waves of humanity without a clue as to where we will land. All of us, searching for the same thing. We're all a little scared. We're all a little lost. And from time to time it is good to remember that we all, recurrently, feel loneliness enter our hearts. While you may feel lonesome, you can be sure that in that, you are not alone.

Dialectics

Lately I've been torn between two seemingly right conflicting actions. I've tried picking the more correct choice and there isn't one. I tried choosing the lesser of the two evils and that too, led me straight to a dead end. I've danced around it every way possible. But here I am... realizing that there has to be some bad with every good. Like a yin and yang. A day and night. There is a dark side to every situation. A shadowed corner in every human soul. Thing is, life ain't no either-or proposition. It's give and take. The good and bad merging into us as one. You can run but you can't hide. My conclusion, face the darkness. Challenge it. Become it. Take control of it. Own it. When asked to dance with your dark abettor, stare it in the eye and howl a sure and confident "Yes!" Pack up your bright side and your good intentions, strap them to your back and head off on an adventure.

Home

I have an odd perception of "home" I think. I don't know if I've ever felt "home." My parents house was always uncomfortable. I felt bad vibes in that place since I can remember. And The last few years I was there, I can't remember a time I really wanted to be there. I'm sure there were times I enjoyed myself. But I can't pick any out. My immediate family is all I've ever known. Mom, Dad and Brother. Pamela, Frank and Aaron. But apparently, home, to me, is not family.

After my parent's place I moved into "The Heezy." This was a great idea at the start. Allyson had been my friend for 17 years. She was the closest thing I'd ever known to a sister. Caitlin and I had always gotten along great. The three of us together used to have so much fun. And they seemed to have their shit together. Shortly after moving in there I realized I had been blinded by the glamor of freedom to realize the reunion was a foolish idea. We were in different places in our lives. Me, trying to get everything together. Testing myself and my freedom and maturity. Them, blowing off steam and living it day by day. Testing their limits. I could only take so much of it and soon realized to me, home is not freedom.

After escaping The Heezy I moved into Fairview with Timmy. This has been a bit of an adventure. And quite a relief after my last living situation. We get along great and I can't say I have a better friend then him. I've tried to make the place comfortable. At least somewhat. However, there really is only so much you can do with Fairview Manor. It is relieving to know Timmy will be there. Sooner or later I will run into one of my best friends. And he's one of the only people I can open up to lately. I've been house sitting the past few days. And already when I refer to going there I say I'm going "home." Apparently home, to me, is not relief.

I guess to me "home" is wherever I sleep. Where my essentials are kept. A place to take a shower and charge my phone. "Home" is an illusion. Nothing more. At least, for now.

The feeling of being "at home" I understand. When I reach out for an attachment to the phrase images come to mind. On the phone with Adam late at night. Riding around blaring music with Lavina, Timmy and David. Sitting on the bridge in the summer. Sitting on the pipeline in the woods, watching the sunset. Sitting on the grass downtown, talking with Marc. Watching glee at the Sabo's with the gang. My feeling of being "at home" is a collage of moments. Beautiful, touching, memorable moments. I may have no sense of  "home" But the feeling of being there will do for now.

Maybe this time...

He makes me:

Smile

Laugh

Blush

Hope

Dream

Feel

Excited

Nervous

Grateful

Comfortable

He makes me happy.

Happy

Feeling good again. I only wish there were more comfort in happiness. I'm just always scared it's going to go away as fast as it always comes. As it always does. But I'm trying to enjoy it. Trying to not be scared. Live in the moment for once. And just be content. Better than content. Happy. =)

And so it goes

With all sections of my life I have been standing back every so often and asking myself, "What are you doing?"
What am I doing?
Self destrustion. Lies. Fun. Random. Betrayal.
And why?
Control. Fear. Boredom. Mirth.

But really...
It's just life.
Life in it's entirety. The messed up, twisted, deplorable things we do for amusment.
And the meaningful, kind and beautiful things we do, because our hearts tell us to.

Such is life.

Here we go again.

... nothing.

I have so much to blog about right now. More than I've had to write in a good year and a half. There is just so much to think about and so much going on. My blog has gotten boring. Very boring. For some reason I just can't put anything into words. And even if I can I don't want to post anything... To anyone who gives a crap about this blog, Sorry!

Mission Accomplished

Fact:
I worked very hard to become this person.

... ... ...

Can I tell you a secret?

I hate being this way.

Right or Left?

The problem, I've found, with successfully ignoring all your emotions for quite a while is the recovery. When they come back. It's terrifying. It's easier to act by logic and habit than by emotions. But it makes you cold and distant. Distant from yourself. You know it's wrong, but it is what it is. And then, your heart wakes up. And suddenly it hurts, and is excited, worried, hopeful, giddy, confused and completely unmanageable. Torn by the need to finally feel again in an attempt to be happy and the defence mechanism of pushing those emotions to the back burner where they belong. I'm good at pretending. It's come to be a defining piece of my personality. I'm currently at a crossroads of self management. And at a total loss of which way to go. I don't have a clue. I can't figure out what's best for me.
I don't want advice.

Let me tell you something

You hurt me. Every day. We both pretend, me out of courtesy, you out of fear. I miss you. I can help you. I need you. I love you. When asked who's the most important person in my life, I replied with your name. You are my number one. You were here for so long. You helped me like no one else could. You make my existence make sense. You're falling away from me... again. And I'm so scared to move in any direction. I'm losing you. I can feel it. And I'm not going to do anything about it.

Marriage

Is happening tomorrow. It'll be a great life.
He's amazing, and he loves me for me. What more can you ask for?

Rear View Mirror

Wrote this a little while ago...

Dear Keenan,
There's no way to put into words the way you've made me feel. And let's be honest, there never was. A part of me knows that I'm okay without you. A part of me knows I don't need you. But then there's this part that doesn't remember how to be without you. There's this part that simply was not ready to have myself torn from you. We did everything together. For a year. Over a year. We ate together, played together, laughed together and cried together. We breathed together. Our brains caught onto a similar frequency and we just went with it. Together. I don't need you to live. I don't need you to be happy. But that's what I want. More than anything right now in my life that is what I want. And for that, I need you. You've left me at this point where I don't know how to feel. confused by your mood changes and detached words and phrases. You asked me if I would take you back. And yes, I would. Because I don't feel this is the end. Whatever you decide, don't keep me waiting...

Good Morning Heartache

Good Morning Heartache
Billie Holiday

Good morning heartache, you old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache, thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you heve gone
But here you are with the dawn

Wish I forget you, but you're here to stay
It seems I met you when my love went away
Now everyday I stop I'm saying to you
"Good morning heartache, what's new?"

Stop haunting me now
Can't shake you nohow, just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight to Sunday blues

Good morning heartache, here we go again
Good morning heartache, you're the one who knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache, sit down

The Catalyst

The prospect of the upcoming winter is starting to make me very nervous. Every year I have something that gets me through. I can always keep myself occupied with work and goals. I can find people to hang out with and funny movies to watch and little adventures to go on. But I need something else. I need that little driving force that pushes me on. A little reminder to keep moving when my body and mind slow down and sink into the seeming never-ending Alaskan winter. Freshman year of high school it was all my new and amazing friends. Sophmore year it was a select few amazing friends, plus a boy, and dance. Junior year it was dance. Senior year it was dance. Last year it was Keenan.

This year... I'm scared. Which is odd for me. I'm not one to admit these fears. But here they are. So plainly set out in from of me. I don't want to be one of those girls that needs a guy. I'm not one of those girls. But anyone knows, to much time alone in winter is dangerous here. And you cannot rely on friends to just always be there, available, or even willing to help. It's a nice thought, but unrealistic.

I want to do things this winter. I want to have fun despite the cold and dark. I want to play in the snow. Have those meaningful and memorable conversations over tea or coffee, looking out into our frozen world. Safe from it. And part of it. I want to wake up on Saturday morning and marvel at the beautiful blankets of sparkling  snow covering absolutely everything. I want to appreciate winter. I want to love it.

But without that drive... Winter is dark. I'm always tired because it's always bedtime. I wake up on a Saturday morning. Cold. I wake up and I'm still tired. I wake up, put in a movie, get some food and sit on the computer all day. I go to sleep wondering how to change my stagnant life. And slip off into my dreams with feelings of loneliness and fear. Work seems harder. Sadness seems sadder. And the light that makes it's way into the small window of opportunity just looks feeble and shy.

I'm sure I will find my something. Or hold onto a pre-existing something perhaps. But there are no promises being made. There are no high hopes. All I got is small ideas and wishes. I'm sure I will figure it out. I have to... But all the same,

I'm scared.

Compulsion

I was driving around Fairbanks. From Fairview Manor to the airport. From the airport to the University. From the University down Collage Road and around into downtown. For the first time in notable memory I hit every single green light. Every little happy, round, signal of accession. Why I was driving, I'm not sure. All I wanted to do was stop. All I wanted was one of those little lights to give me a break. Let me rest for a bit. Give me time to breath between my agitated breaths. But none of them permitted. It was as if they wanted me to keep driving. They wanted me to keep going... keep moving. It might make me crazy but a small part of me found myself wishing those inanimate and persistent glowing, emerald lights could hear me say, "Thank you."

Carefull

Your friends don't have to like you.
They don't have to forgive you.
They don't have to be there.

Carefull.

Restraint

I wish I could let myself expand who I am to people. I take on a very specific role in a person's life. And however much I want to expand I feel restricted to the place I feel I have to be.

To you I'm your emotional outlet. Wish we could just have fun...
To you I'm your verbal punching bag. Can't we have a nice conversation???
To you I'm a goofball. The silly one who always has something to say. Can you take me seriously???
To you I'm held at a distance. You've built a wall we both know I can see through. Wish you'd build me an invisible door...

Some people know how to just get to people. They know how to make people open up. Know how to appeal to their emotions. Know how to make them let their hair down. Know how to draw them closer. I need an invitation.

Stuck

Sometimes I just get scared. Where is my life going? I know I have plans. But plans rarely work. The only real way I get anything done is if I do things in the moment. Spontaneously. But that's not even my personality anymore. I don't feel comfortable making rash decisions. Also, I'm a procrastinator. A cautious procrastinator with little sense of direction.

Not really sure how to get anywhere...

Capricorn

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--

-

Technically, I am a Gemini. However, I am nothing like one. More than anything else I resemble a Capricorn. Actually, I pretty much fit the mold exactly. And I'm not just talking in the good ways.

On the bright side I am patient, loyal, ambitious, trustworthy, self-reliant, appreciative, dependable and have copious amounts of self control.

On the dark side I am an over-critical, over-cautious, greedy, boring prude with an exaggerated interest with material possessions.

I wish this blog was coming to some kind of point. But it's not. I guess the point is I renounce my Gemini birth right for boring life of Capricornism.

So much wasted time!

I spent hours last night laying awake in bed, writing blogs to post once I got internet to my computer. Blogs that really came from my heart. This kind of raw emotion like I haven't been able to muster in months. It felt amazing. And now... I If I had posted them I would be deleting them now.

Why won't I let myself show emotion?

Again

There will never be a day when your name doesn't cross my mind. I can't fall asleep without putting my mind to rest from the thought of you. I will never hear someone make me a promise without thinking of your broken ones. I will never think of the past without having to push through the gate of you. Every corner of this town. Every movie. Every resuaraunt. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. People say I'm strong, and I think of you. People say I'm boring, and I think of you. The scars on my hands and top of my writsts. You are so much of who I am. I am who I am despite you. I am me because of dealing with me, because of you. It doesn't bother me. I'm generally at peace with it. But forgive me for speaking of it, it's who I am.

Remember

The sheepish, embarassed smile you get when you know you've said something wrong.

The spark in your eyes when you're playing your music.

The happiness that radiates, because someone's there.

The look on your face when I kiss your cheek when you're asleep.

The random shit you say, the way I have to skip through your thoughts and points to keep up.

How much I hate making you feel bad.

Growing Up

There was a girl. A girl who knew who she was and what she stood for. A girl who had her own opinions and her own rules. A girl unlike any other. A girl who spoke her mind, whatever the cost. A girl who suffered through a fair amount. Mean boys, bad friends, random tragedies and unfair parents at times. She  was a girl who never stop being her. 

Until now.

10 reasons

10 reasons I feel compelled to write a blog right now.

1. I want to say something worth reading.
2. I want to make a point.
3. My last post is freaking me out.
4. I'm bored.
5. I'm mildly irritated with a lot of things right now.
6. I'm always hoping a random stranger will stumble across my blog, like it, and fallow Parenthetical Me. Without me ever knowing.
7. I want someone to comment on a blog worth writing/reading.
8. I just feel like writing, okay?
9. Writing makes me face and feel my emotions. Which doesn't happen so often these days.
10. I love you.

Away From The Farm

These People Came in the Cafe today.

They're nicer than they look.

Dear Ice Monster,

You make loud noises.

You breath hot air on me.

And you pee in the sink.

You are not my friend.

Your Blog

Am I high, or reading your blog?


??? So many words, but nothing is ever said! ???


Such a teenager.


This shouldn't matter. But your writing style makes me care so much what's being said.


Why read your blog? Every post is exactly the same. And they're clearly written for someone else. To make that one person feel.


Future owner of a soccer mom van. It's interesting. Very interesting. But unrelatable. Very unrelatable.


Your poetry reflects you so well.

Dogs

So I'm leaving that house I moved into a few months ago in like a week. And I just realized I never blogged about my frustration with the place. So... here it goes!

To start off. The mess. My roommates are slobs. I wouldn't be surprised if they actually tried to make as much mess as physically possible in a day. They clean the house for parties, and then have the party, and leave the mess until the next party. The dog pees on the kitchen floor and it can be just... sitting there for up to three days. Until it's just a yellow dry patch. If the dog poops in the kitchen she'll pick the poop up, but won't clean the area. Luckily the dog only does it's business in the kitchen. Unlucky the dogs owner can't train her because she got the dog high when she was a puppy and the owner herself doesn't know the first thing about training an animal. There's always a ton of stuff chewed up over the carpet. Including the carpet itself. All their nice stuff gets chewed on by the dog. But, they still leave their nice stuff in the room.... There's always a giant mass of hair in the bathtub drain. And EVERY time I get in the shower there's random hair strands plastered all over the walls. I've checked their shampoo's instructions, on the off chance they say, "Lather, rinse, bang head against the wall repeatedly." They don't. I wipe down the shower before I get in every time. The worst part of all of this is they expect us to split the chores 3 even ways. Like it's 1/3 my retarded dog. Like it's 1/3 my drunken moron party. Like 1/3 the things in the house are mine. --NONE of my belongings are outside my room, or my bathroom cabinet-- I can't trust their friends, or even them, not to steal stuff. One of my roommates got arrested for shoplifting a few weeks ago. Why would I not have a lock on my door? Why would I keep ANYTHING nice of my out from behind closed, locked doors?

It's not just the mess... Oh no. They have these freaking stupid people over. People who breath more pot smoke than they breath air. People that come from jail, to our couch. Gang members. Drug dealers. Can you say "White Trash?" And they legitimately, honestly believe there's nothing wrong with these people. Well, how could they see it? They're one of them.

"I could stop whenever I want."
Right...

And why can't either of them have a real relationship with a guy? They're not the dating type of girls. They're the girls guys just fuck. And they're okay with it. I've NEVER heard them use another word other than "fucking." I don't understand how sex can mean nothing. What about trust? A connection? Love? lol yeah right. And who would want to be in a relationship with a girl who likes getting blacked out drunk at a party full of guys? They're just two perma-fried girls with loose morals and disintegrating brains.


"It takes spoon-fulls from your brain! Haha!"
Funny...

"It's okay. You don't need ALL the spoon-fulls in yoru brain."
The spoon-full that controls common knowledge and judgement has clearly been dissolved.

The worst part about all of this is I love these two. I truly cared about them. I've known one for 18 years. And the other for 5. They were both two of my closest best friends in high school. I wanted to be around in case they needed anything. But I can't put myself in that position anymore. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being the weird one because I don't enjoy being a drug fiend or a floosy. Lay down with dogs and you'll get up with flees. After my first encounter with the cops, after spending countless nights wishing I could sleep over the sounds of drunken chatter and rampant sex noises, after the mess, after the ever-constant stench of piss and beer. I'm out. Never looking back. I honestly wouldn't be at all surprised if I never heard from either of them ever again. And as much as that hurts me. I know it's not me who's made it like this. It's not like I want this choice to be here. It's not like they care. The day after I said I was probably moving they had someone ready to move in. I'd wish them good luck. But it'd be pointless. Luck isn't what can save them. I don't know if anything can. I hate feeling this, but I don't care what happens to them. So, I'm gone.

This has been on of the greatest learning experiences of my life so far. The best way to shape the person you want to be is having a clear image of who you do not want to be.

Today.

This blog is unorganized. It's probably also not very interesting. I had a terrible day I needed to vent. Just a warning.

I didn't get home until late last night. Didn't sleep until about 4am. Which was my fault, yes. But I feel the right to complain anyway. I had to get up at 8am to have time to get my dad a father's day card and get to my parents house in time to actually have time to talk to my dad a little bit before i had to leave for work at 10:30. I get to work and after about 3 hours my boss sends me home. It was a slow day to start off. I clock off and take my phone out of my pocket, a text from my dad telling me to call him. So I do. My grandpa died this morning. While I was father's day shopping. ... I went to safeway to pick up some flowers for my mother. Then I headed home. I get there and my mom immediately starts crying on me. We all sit around... talking... crying... Then my mom gets a phone call. Laura, aka "The Skank." This woman had been the "care taker of my grandpa for about a year now. She had been stealing his money for months and she had at one point, no joke, tried setting up a meth lab on my grandfathers property. This woman has been to jail countless times, has MAYBE 3 teeth left from doing meth for 20 years and was taking advantage of my grandpa. My grandfather has been sick for weeks now... incoherent in fact. My mom thought everything was all in order. She was the benefactor of my grandpa's money and house and.. well, everything. The Skank wrote up a new will. Claiming herself the new benefactor and casting my mother aside completely. The only thing stopping this whole thing from being legal is the whiteness not signing the will. But.. enough of the technicality bull shit. This is all terribly hard for my family to deal with. My mother was crying on me for hours. I've had issues with my mom but apparently there's still a fair amount of sympathy and respect left somewhere in my heart. Today broke my heart. Finally my family's mood lifts and my brother and I decide to order some food from the Silver Gultch. I place the order and 30 minutes later Aaron and I go to pick it up. On our way in i run into Keenan's mom and Sister. I say 'Hi," and keep walking. We get the food and head back to the parking lot. Waiting, outside the door is Keenan's mom, and sister, Autumn. I say hello again and ask how they're doing. the response I get is a very rude, "Keenan wants to talk to you." I say I'll call him and ask again how things are going. Autumn looks at me and then at my brother. She says, again quite rude, "Who's this?" I say, "My brother, Aaron." Aaron shakes her hand and asks who she is. I say "Keenan's sister." And she responds with another, "I bet Keenan really wants to talk to you." Taken aback I just gave up on the conversation and left for my car. It dawns on me that she's mad at me for being out with another guy. ... Who I was not showing ANY affection to. Who I was grabbing a take out meal with... She picked the wrong day.. I get home. I'm pissed. My family immediately decides that this woman is on the Borecki family's perpetual, never-ending shit list. Keenan texts her and tells her I was with my brother... Like I said... and she sends me a text basically refusing to apologise. And telling me I'm wrong, she was NOT rude. As little as I want to start this drama I feel the need to fight for this one. I have been nothing but good to Keenan. I'm the first girl to give him a real shot at a real relationship. I'm the girl who pays for his meals. I'm the girl who lets him stay at my home, free of charge. I'm the girl who put up with all the drama of this winter. When SADs was getting to Keenan. I'm the girl that makes him happy. And here she is, accusing me of being unfaithful. Screw that. If I have to deal with one more of these situations my head might literally explode. If I deal with one more ass hole I'm going to lose it. All of this on top of my 57 hour work week. All of this on top of the stress of trying to find a new home. All of this on top of the death of my lizard on Thursday... All of this.


All. Of. This.

Ridiculous

So most everyone who reads this blog knows the cops showed up at our house on Friday night/Saturday morning. While I understand why they were there and most of their action are hard to argue with especially since they didn't arrest us... I feel the right to complain about how unprofessional they were. If their motive was simply to scare us then they accomplished it without difficulty. However if they were under the impression that they were generating any kind of respect for themselves they were horribly mistaken. There is no reason to make fun of us that way. There's no reason to keep calling me "drunk" when I was CLEARLY not. Telling me I lived in a "dump" and telling me I'm "trash" is completely unnecessary. Also, taking my roommates books was uncalled for. They were trying to make a point by bringing out their Pot-Smokers Handbook and their issues of High Times. They said they were taking them for "evidence" ... but they didn't charge us with anything. So taking the books was, in fact, illegal. They had no right to do that. Finally, telling two young woman that they are on "the fast track to getting raped" is bordering on abuse. Those officers had no right to act the way they did. I understand why they were there, I understand why they took the actions they did, but their attitudes were terrible. All of this along with the stories from some of my other friends from that night have seriously diminished my faith in, and respect for, the Alaska State Troopers.

Sometimes...

I'm sitting in my car, utilizing my time to do absolutely nothing. Looking out my left window I can see the sun, and white puffy clouds someone must have painted there. Out across my quiet passenger seat is a storm, headed this way, casting the trees and ground in a beautiful, melancholy, dim shade.

The wind is threatening to take me away. Part of me wishes it would. Part of me wants to stay right here and feel it pass by me, rush against my skin and pull at me.

First the over-cast, then the wind, the rain, lightning and now thunder. Same as always.

I know you.
Take me away.

The rain is falling so uneven and so perfect. Pounding on my roof as if it has something to say.
It never does.
I hope it knows I'm listening.
I hope it knows I'm here.

Here I am.

Hail. =)

The Sky Is Falling

My world is so small...

I have work.

I have a few close friends.
None of which I hang out with too much...

Lavina, Timmy, Hannah, Marc.

A few nights ago I had a mini panic attack thinking about how small my life has gotten. I can't honestly imagine having as much to deal with as I once did. School, dance, work, social life, family... And now, work and a miniature social life. While it seems like a lot to deal with the amount of life I have now doesn't seem like enough. It's so hard to expand... "Hey wanna hang out?" times fifty, with zero response gets very, very old. But having the feeling that your world is literally shrinking also gets old.

So I'm on a mission. I'm expanding my world.... Lets see how this works out.

I've been so busy...
I haven't stopped moving for a year...
Too busy for the little things...
Not even paying attention to life...

How has NOTHING changed??

Relief

A curse has been lifted, my weight feels so light,
I'm done with that battle, I'm done with the fight,
I can walk in a room without looking both ways,
I can forget your existence most of my days,

I can breath in so deep and I can sing any song,
I can be who I am, now that you're gone.

I forgave you, I loved you and accepted the excuse,
I tried to patch us up, despite the abuse,
I wanted so badly to believe what you said,
Another chance, another try and look what you did...

I made my best effort, I tried to be strong,
I should have just waited, 'cause now, you are gone.

But here I am and I don't care about you,
And finally, finally! We're finally through.
And the world looks so much brighter, so pleasant, so kind,
The darkness I've lived in is left far behind,

You held me down, made me fight, and you knew all along,
How great I would feel if you were were just... gone,

We're done with the awkward and done with the tears,
We're done with the hate and the secretive fears,
I'm done wanting justice and done making plans,
I'm done hoping someday you might understand,

And I realize quite well that you'll "never be wrong."
But it's enough for me that you're finally gone.

Demented

I had a dream last night that makes me question the sanity of my subconscious.

I'm there in a group of people. Around 30 I'm assuming. Two of which are talking crabs and one of which is an infant. There's a guy standing in the middle of the group of people giving some kind of speech. He's tall, dark and wearing a cape. He asks the woman with the baby if he can borrow her child. She lets him.. The man grabs the kid and continues with his speech. After a few minutes he takes the sword from his side and stabs the baby. The only "people" who seem effected at all is the mother and the two crabs. The man hols up the dead baby and continues his speech.

A Ray Of Dark Sunshine

The world makes a little more sense if you keep in mind that everyone, when you really get down to the core, is looking out for #1...

Themselves.

--------

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Ready for Summer

I am ready for summer. Completely and totally ready. In every way possible. I'm ready to stay up late and get up early, thanks to the spectacular Alaskan summer sun. I'm ready to be reunited with old friends. And ready to say goodbye to others. I'm ready to sit on my car at Pioneer Park, Alaska land, if you will, reading, talking on the phone, drinking smoothies and sun bathing. I'm ready to tackle on the challenge of hundreds of tourists a day. Ready to smile, flirt, compliment and earn all the tip money I can squeeze out of them. I'm ready to go on a road trip with two of my favorite friends. I'm ready to go camping and hiking and swimming and playing in the grass. I'm ready to sit on those huge ass pipes and watch the sunset, hoping I don't get caught trespassing. I'm ready to make plans, have fun and make the most of anything and everything I can. C'mon summer.... Hurry up! Bring it on!

A plan. Finally.

So earlier this week I decided what I'm gonna do with my life. I want to work with special ed. I'm not sure why I didn't consider it earlier... back in 8th grade I found out for one reason or another the special ed kids in our classes were drawn to me and connected with me. Up until senior year I really enjoyed helping out where I could with the disabled students at Lathrop. In my gym class senior year I got away with not doing gym work, and playing ghost pirates instead =P Milo always made fun or me, "They just wanna be around the pretty blonde!" No. I treated them like people. Because they ARE people. Other's regarded them with an awkward attitude if not with cruelty or a strange sense of fear. I cannot stand the way some people treat the disabled... And I want to make a stand against it. I want to do SOMETHING useful with my life and this is the way I think I'll go. I know it's a hard thing to do. I understand it'll be frustrating and sad at times but I've come through enough to deal with that. I used to want to find a career in the medical field. Unfortunately I don't have the focus for the schooling and I'm glad I've realized that now. I have the intelligence to be whatever. But I'd rather do something in life that uses more heart and common sense rather than knowledge. Opinions? I'd appreciate it.

Not sure why I remember these so easily.

"I love the guy... But he's not for me."

"I want to be with him but I just can't deal with his attitude."

"If she could just wait for like... four years."

"I loved her to death but the relationship needed to end."

"I liked [her] for years, but [she] never let us date..."

"We always blamed it on timing but I think we were just scared to find out we weren't perfect for each other like we had always thought."

"Yeah I still love her, but we're going in two different directions."

"I never should have left [her]. But I had my eyes on someone else at the time."

" I will always love him. But I can't do this anymore."

"Some day, after we have mastered the winds and the waves, the tides and gravity, we will harness the energies of love. And, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."

Justice...

I try not to wish unfortunate happenings upon other people... But there's some people that just deserve to feel pain. Some people should know what it feels like to get hurt. The kind of people that harm others. The kind of people that hurt the ones they "care" about. If nothing else they should at least understand what they've done. But to those people things will never become clear. To them nothing will ever click because to them, they will always be right. It will ALWAYS be another person fault. They are never at fault. Whatever we say. Whatever we've said goes straight in their ears, and our of their mouths as something else. And it leave us here... All we can do is accept that it is our responsibility to come to terms with what happens around us. We have to take what they force upon us and turn it into something useful. We have to make up for them. We have to keep our faith and work twice as hard. we have to.

I have to.

Why Today?

I haven't had a conversation with you in over 9 months....

I've seen you only once in the past 7 months...

Why are you making me feel so sad today??

=)

Every day I feel a little better about myself. I like to surround myself with good people. People with values and morals. People who show me the respect I show them and people who know how to respect themselves. My best friends are who they are because they're good people. Because they have a good sense of what's important in life. I guess that's why I learned to think less of myself than I should. In comparison I've always felt a little outdone. But lately, lately I feel responsible. Lately I feel intelligent and reliable. In contrast to my background and surroundings I feel superior. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong to feel like that. Then after some time I realize these feelings really are justifiable. I have my life together. I know what I want. I work for what I want and what I want is WORTH working for.

It's been too long.

I had a dream last night that he was there. Everyone was there... But he was next to me. I tried to leave but he put his hand on my shoulder. He held me there. And Everyone was pretending not to notice. All my best friends were there. I looked over at Hannah and Sam and they looked away. He leaned in and started talking to me. I don't know what he was saying but it hurt. I tried to get up but he held me there. His voice got angrier and angrier. I kept hoping someone would say or do something. I started crying. I looked across the room at Adam and he just stared at me. I looked at Marc and he looked away. His voice got louder and angrier...

Then I woke up. Crying. Terrified.
It makes me feel so pathetic.

When will this go away?

Missplaced

Lately I just feel out of place everywhere I go. Like I've always felt out of place in my family.. That's one of the things I thought moving out would help me with. But I met up with Allyson and Caitlin a few days ago and I don't think I can connect with them like I used to. They didn't have a single story that didn't involve getting "SO fucked up." I'm not saying they're bad people they just have a completely different outlook on life than I do. They made me feel like such an uninteresting person. So I can tell already that being around them is going to get a little unnerving... Apart from living situations I don't feel in place with my friends. They're all in Collage... I am missing a big part of their lives. I don't feel like I fit in with them. I also work with a family. Mother, two daughters and a cousin. I guess there's David. But our shifts never match up. And he's far less than friendly anyway. When I'm not working I'm often over at Keenan's. And clearly I'm the odd man out there. lol The thing about functional families... I guess I just feel like the black sheep of wherever I go. It doesn't bother me a whole bunch. It just gets old not being a real part of anything. My feet are firmly on the ground these days. I just don't have a comfortable place to stand. =/

Importance

I understand now.

It's hard to be friends with someone depressed.

It's hard to be friends with someone boring.

It's hard to be the only one who CAN be there.

It's hard trying to be the "perfect friend."

It's hard. Very hard.

But worth it.

Not Alone

Here I am, sitting alone in this cafe. Been here for a while. about 9 hours actually. I'm writing, alone, snuggled up with my computer and my hot cocoa.

I wonder how many more of "me" there are in the world right now.
How many sitting in cafe corners on their computers.

Sipping a hot drink.

Waiting for something interesting to happen.

Perfectly content in sitting, waiting, watching.

How many people are wishing their fake nails are gone by now?
How many people are chewing this same type of gum I just spit out?
Or wearing this ring?
Or feeling this way?
How many people are listening to this same song?
How many people miss their best friend?
How many people just don't wanna go home?
How many people want to be accomplishing something beyond their means?
How many people are sure that they were meant to do something much, much more important? Like helping someone.

Or saving someone.

Stopping someone from doing something stupid or harmful.

How Many people are having a hard time comprehending this worlds twisted laws and "normalities"?
How many people believe in something better?

Something no one has even thought of before....

How many people are OUT there?
How many people can call themselves people at all?
How many people can hear me?

Not if I scream.
Not if I become famous.
Not even if I publish this blog.

How many people can HEAR me.

People who can relate?
Listen.
Feel.
Understand.




I think everyone can.
Everyone is.
We can't help ourselves.
Why do we try so damn hard?

One New Message

Late at night when I should be sleeping I often pick up my phone and look through my contacts, finding memories to match everyone in my phone book. It makes me feel closer to people I don't see anymore to have them a push of a button away. But that push of a button is another story entirely. I should be asleep, my boy just left and I feel like texting someone. Someone who knows my current life story. Someone who can level with me and share opinions. Someone who isn't going to blow me off or say something rude. Someone I can trust. And I know everyone who reads this is going to be like, "Hey, you can always text me!" But honestly, am I the one you go to in the middle of the night? How much do you actually know about the dynamics of my world as of the recent months? How close are we? I'll just set my phone down for now. Thank goodness for blogs.