That Moment

That terrifying moment when you wake up from a dream in which you die...

That comforting moment when you remember there's someone there to console you...

That sad moment when you realize you were wrong...

That confusing moment when you wonder if you're still in a nightmare...

That desperate moment when you run outside and cry on the ground...

That frustrating moment when your hands shake too much to text, so you have to call... even though it's 3:00am.

That hysterical moment when your voice shakes too much to talk...

That awkward moment when you realize there's been a misunderstanding...

That relieving moment when you've been brought back form the "beyond tears" stage...

That long moment when you wonder how a person can still live through feeling this way...

That depressing moment when you cuddle a sweater... because that's all you have...

That uncomfortable moment when you don't know if you'll ever be the same again...

I could have gone the rest of my life without this sequence of moments.

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

"The past is a candle at great distance: too close to let you quit, too far to comfort you.”

- Amy Bloom

I stumbled across this picture today. My kindergarten class. A Facebook friend uploaded it a few years ago. That's me, second from the right on the top row. Can't see too well from this picture but I looked like a boy. Short hair, because I liked to play with scissors. I was the tallest one in the class. And everybody loved me. I always say that kindergarten was my best year. It's when the most people liked me. My classmates used to fight over who got to play with me on recess. I was a cool kid. Always happy, energetic and creative. I'm still friends with some of those kids. Sam, Laura, Avi, Allyson. I have a few more on my Facebook. Some I only remember from this class. Some I don't remember at all. And as far as I know only one is no longer with us. (RIP Riley.) I remember the smallest things from this class. The clean up song, the playground, the sink (don't know why), The rug we all used to sit on fro story time...

Nostalgia don't see like a strong enough word. I wish I had known then how beautiful those days were. I was rarely unhappy. Life was fun and simple. I wish I had known how fondly I would look back on it. But, how can a 6 year old know these things? How do you know what you'll miss? What you'll look back fondly on...

I miss kindergarten, it was just before people started making fun on me. Before I became a "dork." I don't miss the rest of elementary school, people were mean to me. I miss middle school. I started having friends again, and started feeling like a real person. I miss freshman year of high school. Grades were good, dance, band, friends... Life was fun. I don't miss the rest of high school. I don't miss the year after high school, living at "The Heezy," wasting oxygen. I miss last year sometimes, things were hard but I had the best friends I've ever had. This past year... Who knows? I think I'm still too close to it to know. And right now... I wonder if I'll miss these days. I guess it depends on where life goes from here. You miss the times that were better than the times that fallow... So in a way, I kind of hope I don't miss this. I don't want to miss my job, because I want a better one. I don't want to miss my boyfriend, because I'd like to keep him. I don't want to miss this apartment, because I don't want to make another step down.

I guess it all comes down to living in the moment. Why miss anything if you're making the most of what you have now? Why wish for a time machine when you're exactly where you want to be? And why not be where you want to be? There's no reason for that.