Derp.

I thought going back to school would make me feel smarter. I assumed that getting a promotion meant I was more capable than I had been previously. I thought I'd feel better about and more comfortable inside my own brain as time went on. But when I do my school assignments, I'm never happy with them. At work I feel like I don't know a damn thing. The older I get the less comfortable I become in my level of maturity and intelligence. This could be because I am constantly challenging myself. I went for a new job, even when I didn't feel ready. Twice! I went back to school even though I feel like one of those people who doesn't belong there. I am surrounded by people older than me. Most of my friends are older than I am. I've been the youngest in my position level at work for almost a year. Even my boyfriend is seven years older than me. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of time playing catch up. And living with this intense hope that no one else can tell.

More than anything I want to sink back into a quiet, dark, inconspicuous little existence.Where I can do what I want without being noticed, live a supremely unimpressive life and have nothing expected of me. But it's like I have two voices in my head. The quieter one is more persuasive, and keeps me dragging the loud, terrified, uncomfortable voice along, through whatever new adventure I'm told to pursue.

Another Promotion

First I was an overnight stocker at Walmart. Then, 10 months later, I became a department manager. Now 9 more months later I have been promoted yet again to zms. I take no pride in working for wallmart. None at all. But to be honest the job has done a lot for my life. I found my Arthur there, I gained the momentum and the funds to go back to school, and I have met some great friends. The thing I am most grateful for is the confidence the store has instilled in me regarding my abilities in the workplace. It is rare for someone with no day-time floor experience to become a department manager. And it is rare for someone with so little department manager experience to become a zms. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but I am a hard worker. And it seems like wherever I go, I do well. Getting promoted is scary, it's a lot to take in and the zms I am replacing is a hard act to fallow. But the raise is nice, and the authority is nice. I am a little annoyed that I still work at wallmart, after a year and a half with the company, but it is getting me the experience and money I need to further my education and get me on my way to wherever I am going in life.

Now what can I buy with $300 more a month?
I can get my nails done again!
I can pay someone else to dye my hair!
I can get contacts again! I can see again!
I can have more spending money for my Germany trip!

... One way or another I WILL convince myself I 100% want this promotion... I hope.