I've Been Waiting

Thinking of him makes me sad. Being happy reminds me of him. What I thought we had was a lie, and the love I received was fake... but the way he made me feel, that was real. Am I still in love? ... No. I can't say that I am. I feel love, but it's changed. I do not need him anymore. I want to though. I don't hurt like I used to. Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I despise him. Sometimes I'm just lonely. I feel a longing for companionship from time to time. I look back in bitterness at the sweet memories I have. But no, I don't hurt anymore. No, I am not in love.

I've been waiting so long.

Paradise

We sat on the beach, to watch the sunset. grabbed some mats to sit on and our sweatshirts, forgetting we were in Hawaii. We walked through the sand, straining our muscles and enjoying the cool, softness of the sand. We sat down and looked up at the sky, loving it. We took pictures and walked in the water crashing upon the shore. Even the ocean water felt warm to me. Our feet covered in salt and sand we sat back, looking up at the sky. Watching as, one by one, the stars came out. The lights in the distance faded, the colors becoming darker. I layed back and marveled at the majesty of the moment. I felt so close to the sky. If I jumped high enough, I could reach up at scoop some of the stars into my hands. The street lights behind us cast shadows of the tress onto the beach where we sat. The sounds of the crashing waves echoed from the wall of trees. And we lay there, not saying a word, not caring about a thing. We lay in the sand watching the unfamiliar sky form around us until we feared we'd fall asleep there on the beach. We laughed and sang our way back up the hill. I hope I never forget this night.

Free Of You

Wow.. I wrote this blog way too fast. Needed to get this off my chest. Hope you understand =)

It's great. I mean even if we don't talk for long periods of time I still always felt you were a burden upon me. Now, now I feel free. I don't know why. Maybe because I finally told you exactly how I feel... maybe. Who knows. It's great yo be able to get a text from you and just delete it. Who knows what it said... who cares? lol I don't. You're going to tell everyone everything you can. You're going to try and hurt me and ruin things for me.. I'm sure of it. You'll say "well I wasn't going to but in your blog you said so so I did!" Or you'll justify it some way like that I dunno. Thing is you can't reach me. I guess I don't care if you ever understand that... I'm becoming happy. I really am, and no thanks to you.. it's all gotten better since you left. Since you stopped guilting me into things. Since you stopped making me feel like a bad person. Since you stopped complaining at me. I've improved. I've grown. You probably don't agree. But what do you know? lol What did you ever know?? You never did anything but hold me back or hurt me. Guess who has control over my life now? Me. You "wanted to make me happy." and wanted to "help." well then it should put a smile on your face to hear that I'm good. I'm sorry for the drama. I'm sorry for bringing this all up. I'm sorry you couldn't handle my first texts. I was being nice until you responded. By now you should know I'm fine until I'm provoked.

This is me apologizing to you for anything you ever thought I did to hurt you. This is me apologizing for accidentally hurting you whenever that may have happened. This is me... apologizing for not being honest with you all of the time.

This is me apologizing to myself for letting so much happen. This is me apologizing for treating myself like crap. This is me, setting myself free.

You probably won't even read this. I know sometimes you do. And after the "conversation" we just had you're probably looking for ways to hurt me. Like you think I do. *sigh* ... We could have been great. When our friendship was good it was amazing. But it's not worth it you know? In the long run we've always hurt each other more than we've helped. I've never been enough for you. And You've always intimidated me too much. I've grown from you that's for sure... I hope you've learned something from me. You can be mad at me. not that you need my permission but here it is... Why be angry though? What will that solve for you? It never got me anywhere. I kinda feel bad now because you're probably all mad... I just don't have the temper I used to have. I don't have the ability to be that angry. You told my secrets to the world, you lied to me... It just makes you slowly erase from my heart. Not worth any of the effort I put into you, because you've always been the same to me. Nice to my face, gossiping behind my back. Telling my secrets. Breaking your promises. It won't surprise me when you do the same thing this time. Whatever... It doesn't matter. I wasted my time writing this probably. I could post a blog confessing my undying love to you and you'd find a way to interpret that as "fuck you i hope you die" lol... Oy... Later homie. I'm sure this isn't done.. but I want it to be. I'm sure you do to. So.. we're done. I'm happy, and you... won? lol I dunno. Peace.

Emily is slowly moving forward.

Slowly: My favorite speed.

Forward: My favorite direction.

I'm in a good place.

ssshhhh.....

I don't want to jinx myself... so I won't say what I'm thinking.

But it's nice.

I can't say it. Not a good idea...

It makes me smile...

Like this =)

But I won't explain.

Life would take it away if I started talking about it.

I don't want that. Because this makes me happy.

SSSHHHH.....

Redeeming Love

I just finsihed this book... Redeeming Love. And To anyone and everyone who reads my blog, READ THIS BOOK!!! It's my new favorite. The story a of girl who feels she has nothing to offer... and the man who is deternined to help her break down the walls she built against the rest of man kind. She learns to love... until fear of her emotions overwhelms her and she returns to her former life. It's basically a retelling of the biblical story of Gomer and Hosea.

I personally found a connection with this book that set it very near to my heart. I'm not going to bother explaining that because it's a bit of a streatch and.. personal I guess. But I'm gonna try to get as many people as I can to read it.

So, READ IT!!! =P

Dear... You,

It's odd how you can make me feel terrible when you're not trying at all. No one makes me feel quite as inferior and self conscience as you do... and again, you don't even try. It really confuses me how a person can have that effect on me... when we're not even that close. I can't even find a way to sneak in a "this is to you" in this blog without telling everyone else. It's not your intention... but I feel ashamed of myself because of you, often. Why is this...??

And why are you ALWAYS represented in green in my blogs?? lol

I don't get you. Or me. Us? ... Whatever.

I love you.

Oy...

Apparently if they're too long it won't spell check it for me. Drat.
Ashleigh wrote a blogt like this.. I wrote this a while back and never posted it for some reason. Anyway, if you're REALLY bored go for it =P good luck!
btw the point of this was to write for one solid hour... and just write what came into my head.. So yeah...


What have I gotten myself into? This is going to be insane! the problem with doing this is I think a LOT faster than I type... I really enjoyed talking to Marcy today. She's sweet... No one ever told me. I hated her.. okay I didn't HATE her... disliked her. Christian's ex... But she's nice... I need to mail that box. I want an oreo. I can;t beleive I'm almost a high school graduate. I honestly was all prepared to fail. the strings on my pj pants are laying on my lap.. In a shape like a deflated X.... why do I like rings so much? Rings and pants.... i love pants. Will used to try and stop me from buying MORE pants.. much like Chris does now with scarves. but really Chirs just likes to stop people dfrom doing what they want. little chirs... gonna miss that kid. i really want some chai tea. What if I did marry Marc? lol I was joking and told my mom I totally would if only they didn't want me to.. she responds with "I hate him." lol sometimes... SOMETIMES.. here and there.. on occasion I like my mom... my dad's alright I guess.. He has a temper but he... eh... why am I drawing a blank? this is odd... I wish I could actually type correctly. I think they should have MADE us learn how.. instead of pretending they cared for a month or so in 4th grade then never caring again. Just like the school system... that I don't have to deal with anymore. ... where the hell is my cap and gown? I rememeber when we made fun of Will for wearing the purple dress! funny funny. Why does will keep coming up... hmm... I dunno just makes me think of shannon... which makes me think of the whole dance team.. who i misss. Sharks. water. finding nemo. there's marc again... lol Will and Marc. I wanna see a battle!!! In a battle between Will and Marc... laura would win. like the ffight between Ashleigh and Caitlin... Eli would win. Duh. Why doesn;t anyone know Eli's girlfriend? It's odd... but ok.. butter knives are completely useless. paper cuts are useless too. most injury is useless.. or not.. okay so it isn't shut up. i'm not goging to try to get all deep here... stream of consciencness doesn;t work that way for me.. okay sometimes it does. I wonder who owes that dog I liked.. the one who just jams around at the road and is all friendly and adorable. I want a dog. i miss Dante. and I'm going to miss Laura. Huh... there's Laura again.. I hope I don't think of anything or type anything that offends people. i hate drama! the paystreak is going to laugh at me. Your mom's going to laugh at me. melanie's nose is going to laugh at me. melanie mealnie melanie.... I wonder if she emails me back... which reminds me of Laura. maybe I'm in love with Laura. ... wtf? lol oh boy the weird things that go through my mind... saving... saving... saving... I hate econ. mr Romans is my least favorite teacher ever. Maybe not ever but at the moment I really really really don't like the guy. I have a lot of time left.. I hope no one reads this whole thing.. whoever reads this is freaking out of their mind! I probably won't even go back and read all this and it's my blog! Shay is really pretty.... Allyson should dye her hair back to brown... Vincent and his lip peircing.. I hate when the sun shines through the window and hits my arm like that.... It's gross... and they wonder why I always keep the blinds closed... I'm embaressed to be seen by meself!!! EMO EMO EMO hee hee I wonder if Adam will ever text me back.. I guess I didn't give him much to work with.. just "lol" but then... he gave me "no comment" which is in itself a comment... idiod. nidiot. Mr. East is a weirdo... But then so am I I guess for eating there so much... Is Lavina a bigger weirdo... naw.. she may be there more but one day she'll turn into a fish.. a lavina fish would be awesome! I can picture it... it's be a really angry though.... I don't want that fish. that's the kindda fish you should be scared of! I need to water my ficus. apparently talking to plants and touching them and singing to them really does help them grow... I should be a farmer! r a florist! I love talking to things that will never talk back... unless I turn into emore from Little Shop Of Horrors and end up in love with a slut and then my plants try to eat her.... Maybe I won't be a florist. I'll be a fire fighter!! no i won't I never had that desire... except maybe that time Sam and I rode to her house in that fire truck. that was really cool.. shame I don't actually rememeber it. I wish I still had that shirt. I wish I still had a lot of shirts like that. my S.S. Weller shirt! omg I hope I still have that. I don't think I like the senior shirts. I don't think I like shirts. I wish we could all just wear togas.... But i'd need a bra... not comfortable without a bra. Maybe without underwear.... but still.... eh... spandex suits would be cool.. but I'm sure a lot of other people would hate that. my stomache would hate that. A lot. when I eat too much sometimes I look a little bit pregnant. I really should eat something.. soup, jelly beans and fries... hmm..... peanut butter. I still have the hiccups... how the hell do I still have the hiccups. Austyn just signed into msn... she's pretty. I think a lot of people are pretty. The juice kid is pretty. also dumb.. lavina was right... lavina like vagina! Ashleigh sucks. lol not really I love that girl. my neck itches... i thought we were over this. i should be reading.. I have to write an mpj! still about 100 pages left until I'm done witht eh section.... I wonder if the extra credit for length points are worth it. I guess If i'm tryign to graduate... Wow.. still a lot of time left. I didn't know this many different thoughts could come out in this short amount of time. I miss Dude. I need to go see her. Why do I get attached to some teachers the way I do? why does my eyebrow itch too?!? ahhh! this sucks.. "who's eyelid gets dry??" MINE!!! my skin... my hair... my teeth.. glad I'm not a fatty. although I think I've always had the mentality of a fat person... I've never succeded in explaining what that means very well... I guess you have to be in my head.. which right now anyone who is insane enough to read this kind of is. Who might do that.... I probably would if someone else did a full hour. I was quite enjoying reading Ashleighs.... oh boy.. oh dear.. oh darn... oh my... O-grady... Omally... Obama!! I think I drink too much tea. and coffee probably. it's not even the caffine I like... I can be fine drinking water but I lOVE the taste of the other two. my brother's a weird kid. I hate rumors and gossip. i'm learning to not care so much but it could be bad because you never know when your brain will switch on you. I could be fine one second the next second be terrible. I guesss I'm kinda bipolar. I need to stay on my medication. I really really do. I enjoy life. i can;t be happy alone. there's no reason to be ashamed of that. none at all. I am happy with my pills. So who cares! lol I matter. I do. I do. I do. I do. I miss my Ashley. did I already talk about that.... ??? Maybe. Not that anyone else will read this.. I'm sure I've talked about that already about a billion times. my mind... this blanket is so soft. and fred meyers is freaking awesome! i really like to text and I have a feeling lavina and i really are going to bring ziplock bags and text in the rain in hawaii. I wonder when I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.. Does it matter? I always get mad and say stuff.. but lately I can;y hold grudges or stay mad so It doesn;t last.... then i feel dumb. I always say I won't talk when I'm angry again... but when I'm angry it really REALLY does feel right so i do it... one day I'll learn. Or people will stop making me angry.. happyland. Amazing land. Disney land! lol good luck dance team. ms Brown will probably be pregnant... so she won't be doing competition.. I'm kindda glad it happened this year... she's not going to put much of any effort into the team anymore. she's been wanting a life for too long.... I guess we got the good years? No.. '06 got the good years for sure. Graduating.. it's gonne be... actually I can;t decide how I feel at all. I just can't.... maybe it hasn;t hit me yet. Okay I know it hasn't. I don't feel excited. or relaived anymore.. i just.. don't feel. But I'm not in a bad mood. I'm in a good place lately. I'm very very tired.. and I still have 20 minutes to go on this thing... that disturbs me. a lot in fact, doo doo da loo! oh damn. this summer is going to be so freaking different! I dunno how to think... like last summer I had different best friends, a boyfriend and a vdifferent job. and I was going back to school.... this summer.. it's all new. I love new. shiny and new. maybe not shiny I don't like the sun so good. my favorite kindda day is the rainy ones... I don't like getting rained on though.. not untless I can change my clothes and clean up very soon afterwords. do you ever wonder if you have actually lived more than one life? like what if we just keep repeating life over and over until we got it right? THEN we can move onto a heaven of some sorts.. Like can you tell how old a person's soul is by how well they live their life. Those people who are mature at young ages, and learn quikely.. all that. Maybe they've just been around longer than most people their same age. You could tell the young souls apart for sure... LIke the hurtfull, foolish, lazy, unhappy people... they're young. What age would you be? What age would I be... Well to answer that I'd probably have to figure out when souls and existance actually started... and even then I suppose I couldn;t come up with Any idea whatsoever about how old anyone might be... I don't think everyone becomes old at the same rate anyway.. it's like our bodies.. some people age a little faster.. But in souls.. I dunno maybe people age within a close rage of each other.. but as far as souls go close in years might be a few million. Or less. Or more. Maybe there's people around us who have been around forever. Of course they don't know it but they have been.. they're slow.. everyone else of their age is gone, come back and gone a thousand times and they're still doing heroin. I wonder who fast a person could age.. like dependsing on what happens in your life your soul might age faster.. Finally, when people have lived long enough.. when their soul is complete and theyhave gained all the knolage at one point... maybe it all comes back to you. Everything you knew.. Everything you ever knew... You know. And what problems do people have if there are no unknowns. Maybe that alone is heaven. Maybe... However I might have just done the stargest rant in the world. Wow I on;y have like five minutes to go. Apple apple apple apple jig-saw! airplanes! coasters! grass! window!oy..... I'm out.. I'm out of stuff to write about.. after all this I'm clean out of thought.. To be honest a lot of that soul.. death... stuff is still running through my head. like a llama. Or nothing like a llama. I'll probably never know. doo... doo... doo... time's UP! I reallly hope no one read all the way through this =P Or maybe I hope someone did... who knows.. I can;t think anymore. TTFN!

Just A Note

I feel like I can’t share my opinions with you lately. You’re so hostile and offensive these days… just in the way you talk sometimes. I’d let you know… but you’d bite my head off!

I’m most scared of losing you after graduation because we never talk outside school… But, it’s awkward to bring it up.

I wish I could help you, but you’ll never admit you need the help… and I don’t want to be the enemy.

I hope you don’t expect me to fight it… I’m embracing the fall out. You just insult me anyway.

I love you lots, but you make me feel like a bad friend. I don’t think you notice how much I actually put into things.

Some day I’ll look back on this one and hardly remember I ever had to miss you as a friend… I’m sure of it.

Clockwork Orange- Personal Response

I never wanted to be one of the people who posted their homework as blogs. Honestly, with a few exceptions, that's really lame. But I guess I was in more of a bloggy mood when I wrote this. Anyway, this is my Personal Response for my MPJ on the last section of A Clockwork Orange.

I really liked this book. Overall I think it showed some very good points. To think that being a horrible person is harmful, but being a “perfect person” can also be harmful. I myself cannot completely decide if there is more evil in crime and violence or in oppression and domination of a persons spiritual existence. Granted Alex didn’t seem to have much of a moral standard on anything, but what Anthony Burgess was getting to was clearly not on the specifics of his character, Alex. Really it all comes down to whether or not you believe free will is best including the possibility of chaos… Or if you think free will should be limited to those who society regards as a proper citizen. I guess when it boils down to that question I would chose the limits on free will. Though, I suppose if that wasn’t the usual decision the world would have no use or want for a organized government of any kind. In A Clockwork Orange the author shows an example of what could possibly happen in a world of anarchy. On the other side he also shows what horrible things could happen if we were all fully controlled and conditioned by the government. Basically… It’s not a perfect world. No one is ever going to be completely satisfied. Utopia is fiction, through and through.

Next I would like to share a personal discovery I recently made about oranges. I do not like them. I sat in 6th period Philosophy the other day, eating an orange. At least I was trying to eat one… I’m rather particular about the way I eat my food. It has to be done in a specific way or it doesn’t feel right. I am not a sloppy eater. I drill little wholes through the peel with my finger nails, around the circumference of the fruit. Each circle is about � an inch apart from the next. After that I go back and take out the peel bits between my circles. Then, very carefully, I peel off one side of the orange as one piece. This is very difficult and I often wish I had more than two tries at it. If one of the sides rips I rip it into tiny bits and put it in the other side(now functioning as a bowl) I then begin to peel all those annoying little white bits from around the orange. All of them. I’m fairly certain I don’t pay that close attention to anything else I eat. But for some reason I do so when it comes to oranges. When I have all those pieces off the surface of my orange I break it down into it’s wedge like sections. I then go to work at pulling off all the little white bits from the insides, between the wedges. Finally once I’m finished, I carefully tear into the inner skin of each the orange slice. Once I have exposed the inner morsels of the fruit, I finally, eat the orange. Then, I move onto the next slice. The whole process takes about an hour. After spending almost the whole time In philosophy working on my orange, I came to the conclusion that they are simply more trouble than they are worth. I don’t like oranges.

And for the record… I don’t like clocks either.

Pet My Peeves

Take my philosophy homework from my hands, and read it.
Look over my shoulder as I wrote down my econ notes.
Lean over and read my MPJs in Pop Novels.
I hate when people read my stuff when I don't ask them to.

Tell me my deadlines.
Then, the next day, tell me again.
Text me and ask if I'm done yet.
I hate when people remind me of how little time I have left.
I KNOW when it needs to be done. Thank you.

Take my phone from me.
I don't care if you don't want me texting people right now.
I know when it's simply not appropriate to text.
I don't care if you're a guy who wants to hold the hand my phone is in.
Chances are that's why it's there.
I hate when people take my phone.

Tell me about your skin problems.
Do you have a reoccurring case of shingles?
Have you had more than 5 staff infections?
Does your eczema keep you awake all night?
I hate when people complain about their decent skin.

Ask to take a "sip" of my drink... and swallow as much as you can in one gulp.
Assume because I said one, that means more.
Ask for a "bite" and stuff as much in your mouth as you possibly can.
If I payed for it, it's mine. Back off... Unless I say otherwise of course.
I hate when people eat my food.

Make fun of the way I talk.
If I have a lisp that day, laugh every time I say something weird.
Imitate the weird voices I don't know I make.
If I'm not laughing, I don't want it to be made fun of.
I hate when people make fun of my occasional speech issues.

I miss you

I sit at home on weekends. Friday nights I wait around in town(usually alone) until polar brear practice, I dance for an hour then go home, fall asleep around 12, sleep for 12 hours... wake up and watch a movie, write a blog, jam around on facebook and myspace. I spend Saturday evenings texting and watching the same movies over and over again in different languages to get a different take on them. Sundays sometimes I can bum a ride into town with my mom to go to Fred Meyers and do some grocery shopping. I come home, do homework, text, jam around online... wait for everyone else to fall asleep... read... and wake up ready for Monday, which I love. I love week days. At school I see my friends. I sit in the hall with Chris in the mornings. Sometimes I go to lunch with Ashleigh or go sit in Mr. Easts room with Lavina. After school I sit around and wait until I'm the last one there. Then I go home, read, text, watch movies in foreign languages, sleep...

I miss having a group. I miss the "uber bitch." I miss "twons." I miss "fat parties." I miss "double Es." I miss coming up with a bunch of unnecessary group names. lol I miss the dance team.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever missed.
Usually I try not to though. My brain likes to answer those questions for me...

Emilys Favorite Musicals

Top Favorites

• Hello Dolly- All time favorite. it's amazingly old fashioned and kind of cheesy but it's great. Barbra Streisand is my hero.
• Moulin Rouge- This movie completely and totally breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces every time I watch it. It's fantastic. The music is powerful and moving.
• Calamity Jane- I'm pretty sure I'm the only person i know who's seen this. it's another all time favorite. pretty much one of the best musicals ever made. Doris Day is another hero of mine.
• Little Shop of Horrors- Ridiculous. In the good way =)
• Singin' In The Rain- Truly classic. I love the dance choreography. Makes me wish people still made these kind of musicals...
• Chicago- Just pure fun. No other way to describe it.

Other Great Ones

• Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
• Marry Poppins
• Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dream-Coat =P
• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• The Sound of Music
• Cabaret
• Funny Girl
• Phantom of The Opera
• White Christmas

Less... And Less...

Me-"You never text me back... I text you all the time about important stuff."
Him-"Oh. I don't get your texts. I get texts from everyone but you..."
Me-"Right... You don't seem to care. Makes me hate you more lol"
Him-"The more you hate the less I care."

The less you care the less I trust you.

The less you respond the more I dislike you.

The less you say the less I know you.

The less I hear from you the less I feel like trying.

The less I text the more accomplished I feel.

The less honest I am the more I feel protected.

The more you say the less I believe you.

The farther you get the more I miss you.

But the more I miss you the less I feel like chasing.

...I shouldn't have to.

Duh.

Just so people know... I got my blog so I didn't have to complain at people so much.
If you don't want to hear me complain.
Don't. Read. My. Blog.
Not a difficult concept.
If you're interested in how I'm feeling or what's on my mind, read away!
But you have no right to tell me I'm thinking the wrong things. If you don't like it. ... I don't care. Stop reading.

It's A Secret...

Is this what they meant? When they said I was “depressed” ? It’s starting to feel like a sickness. I feel contaminated. People say I can be hard to be around because I’m depressing and sad. If only they knew how impossible it was… It’s so hard to fight it. Slap on a smile, put on some make up and hold back tears. Try to blend in because I know what happens when I show myself… When I’m honest with the world. That’s when they leave. I need to keep them around so I pretend. They don’t have to know I’m sick. They don’t need to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Or their arms to hide in. They don’t have to see me cry. They don’t have to know how I feel. How the weight of my emotions drags me down. I can feel it in my core. I’m stronger than you think, I can stand up straight and hold my head high even with the burden of a deep pit in my heart and a head full of tears and lonely thoughts. I look up and I see darkness. I’m surrounded. I’m hopeless. I don’t ask much help. I used to. But my help couldn’t handle me either. Imagine being the one who has to hear me complain. Imagine being the one who gets the texts at 2am. Imagine being the one I count on for everything. Imagine this now… Imagine being the only person in the world who can’t run from me. Imagine being the one who is MOST sick of me… and you’re the one who is irrevocably placed in the center of my life. Imagine being me. What wouldn’t I give to get out?? Suicide? No, I’m not brave enough. Drugs? No, I’m too poor. A good friend. Honestly I feel guilty being a persons friend. I feel like I’m cheating them out of something. They put their time and energy into something... Like me. You fools. Don’t you know I have nothing to offer. It’s all pretend. I’m a fake. I have more secrets than you could imagine. I keep everything from you… Don’t you know I’m worthless? Don’t you know I’m sick? No… You don’t. And that’s why you’re still around. You don’t know the half of it.

So don't take my photograph
‘Cause I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow
--Newton Falkner