Relief

A curse has been lifted, my weight feels so light,
I'm done with that battle, I'm done with the fight,
I can walk in a room without looking both ways,
I can forget your existence most of my days,

I can breath in so deep and I can sing any song,
I can be who I am, now that you're gone.

I forgave you, I loved you and accepted the excuse,
I tried to patch us up, despite the abuse,
I wanted so badly to believe what you said,
Another chance, another try and look what you did...

I made my best effort, I tried to be strong,
I should have just waited, 'cause now, you are gone.

But here I am and I don't care about you,
And finally, finally! We're finally through.
And the world looks so much brighter, so pleasant, so kind,
The darkness I've lived in is left far behind,

You held me down, made me fight, and you knew all along,
How great I would feel if you were were just... gone,

We're done with the awkward and done with the tears,
We're done with the hate and the secretive fears,
I'm done wanting justice and done making plans,
I'm done hoping someday you might understand,

And I realize quite well that you'll "never be wrong."
But it's enough for me that you're finally gone.

Demented

I had a dream last night that makes me question the sanity of my subconscious.

I'm there in a group of people. Around 30 I'm assuming. Two of which are talking crabs and one of which is an infant. There's a guy standing in the middle of the group of people giving some kind of speech. He's tall, dark and wearing a cape. He asks the woman with the baby if he can borrow her child. She lets him.. The man grabs the kid and continues with his speech. After a few minutes he takes the sword from his side and stabs the baby. The only "people" who seem effected at all is the mother and the two crabs. The man hols up the dead baby and continues his speech.

A Ray Of Dark Sunshine

The world makes a little more sense if you keep in mind that everyone, when you really get down to the core, is looking out for #1...

Themselves.

--------

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Ready for Summer

I am ready for summer. Completely and totally ready. In every way possible. I'm ready to stay up late and get up early, thanks to the spectacular Alaskan summer sun. I'm ready to be reunited with old friends. And ready to say goodbye to others. I'm ready to sit on my car at Pioneer Park, Alaska land, if you will, reading, talking on the phone, drinking smoothies and sun bathing. I'm ready to tackle on the challenge of hundreds of tourists a day. Ready to smile, flirt, compliment and earn all the tip money I can squeeze out of them. I'm ready to go on a road trip with two of my favorite friends. I'm ready to go camping and hiking and swimming and playing in the grass. I'm ready to sit on those huge ass pipes and watch the sunset, hoping I don't get caught trespassing. I'm ready to make plans, have fun and make the most of anything and everything I can. C'mon summer.... Hurry up! Bring it on!

A plan. Finally.

So earlier this week I decided what I'm gonna do with my life. I want to work with special ed. I'm not sure why I didn't consider it earlier... back in 8th grade I found out for one reason or another the special ed kids in our classes were drawn to me and connected with me. Up until senior year I really enjoyed helping out where I could with the disabled students at Lathrop. In my gym class senior year I got away with not doing gym work, and playing ghost pirates instead =P Milo always made fun or me, "They just wanna be around the pretty blonde!" No. I treated them like people. Because they ARE people. Other's regarded them with an awkward attitude if not with cruelty or a strange sense of fear. I cannot stand the way some people treat the disabled... And I want to make a stand against it. I want to do SOMETHING useful with my life and this is the way I think I'll go. I know it's a hard thing to do. I understand it'll be frustrating and sad at times but I've come through enough to deal with that. I used to want to find a career in the medical field. Unfortunately I don't have the focus for the schooling and I'm glad I've realized that now. I have the intelligence to be whatever. But I'd rather do something in life that uses more heart and common sense rather than knowledge. Opinions? I'd appreciate it.

Not sure why I remember these so easily.

"I love the guy... But he's not for me."

"I want to be with him but I just can't deal with his attitude."

"If she could just wait for like... four years."

"I loved her to death but the relationship needed to end."

"I liked [her] for years, but [she] never let us date..."

"We always blamed it on timing but I think we were just scared to find out we weren't perfect for each other like we had always thought."

"Yeah I still love her, but we're going in two different directions."

"I never should have left [her]. But I had my eyes on someone else at the time."

" I will always love him. But I can't do this anymore."

"Some day, after we have mastered the winds and the waves, the tides and gravity, we will harness the energies of love. And, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."

Justice...

I try not to wish unfortunate happenings upon other people... But there's some people that just deserve to feel pain. Some people should know what it feels like to get hurt. The kind of people that harm others. The kind of people that hurt the ones they "care" about. If nothing else they should at least understand what they've done. But to those people things will never become clear. To them nothing will ever click because to them, they will always be right. It will ALWAYS be another person fault. They are never at fault. Whatever we say. Whatever we've said goes straight in their ears, and our of their mouths as something else. And it leave us here... All we can do is accept that it is our responsibility to come to terms with what happens around us. We have to take what they force upon us and turn it into something useful. We have to make up for them. We have to keep our faith and work twice as hard. we have to.

I have to.

Why Today?

I haven't had a conversation with you in over 9 months....

I've seen you only once in the past 7 months...

Why are you making me feel so sad today??

=)

Every day I feel a little better about myself. I like to surround myself with good people. People with values and morals. People who show me the respect I show them and people who know how to respect themselves. My best friends are who they are because they're good people. Because they have a good sense of what's important in life. I guess that's why I learned to think less of myself than I should. In comparison I've always felt a little outdone. But lately, lately I feel responsible. Lately I feel intelligent and reliable. In contrast to my background and surroundings I feel superior. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong to feel like that. Then after some time I realize these feelings really are justifiable. I have my life together. I know what I want. I work for what I want and what I want is WORTH working for.

It's been too long.

I had a dream last night that he was there. Everyone was there... But he was next to me. I tried to leave but he put his hand on my shoulder. He held me there. And Everyone was pretending not to notice. All my best friends were there. I looked over at Hannah and Sam and they looked away. He leaned in and started talking to me. I don't know what he was saying but it hurt. I tried to get up but he held me there. His voice got angrier and angrier. I kept hoping someone would say or do something. I started crying. I looked across the room at Adam and he just stared at me. I looked at Marc and he looked away. His voice got louder and angrier...

Then I woke up. Crying. Terrified.
It makes me feel so pathetic.

When will this go away?

Missplaced

Lately I just feel out of place everywhere I go. Like I've always felt out of place in my family.. That's one of the things I thought moving out would help me with. But I met up with Allyson and Caitlin a few days ago and I don't think I can connect with them like I used to. They didn't have a single story that didn't involve getting "SO fucked up." I'm not saying they're bad people they just have a completely different outlook on life than I do. They made me feel like such an uninteresting person. So I can tell already that being around them is going to get a little unnerving... Apart from living situations I don't feel in place with my friends. They're all in Collage... I am missing a big part of their lives. I don't feel like I fit in with them. I also work with a family. Mother, two daughters and a cousin. I guess there's David. But our shifts never match up. And he's far less than friendly anyway. When I'm not working I'm often over at Keenan's. And clearly I'm the odd man out there. lol The thing about functional families... I guess I just feel like the black sheep of wherever I go. It doesn't bother me a whole bunch. It just gets old not being a real part of anything. My feet are firmly on the ground these days. I just don't have a comfortable place to stand. =/

Importance

I understand now.

It's hard to be friends with someone depressed.

It's hard to be friends with someone boring.

It's hard to be the only one who CAN be there.

It's hard trying to be the "perfect friend."

It's hard. Very hard.

But worth it.

Not Alone

Here I am, sitting alone in this cafe. Been here for a while. about 9 hours actually. I'm writing, alone, snuggled up with my computer and my hot cocoa.

I wonder how many more of "me" there are in the world right now.
How many sitting in cafe corners on their computers.

Sipping a hot drink.

Waiting for something interesting to happen.

Perfectly content in sitting, waiting, watching.

How many people are wishing their fake nails are gone by now?
How many people are chewing this same type of gum I just spit out?
Or wearing this ring?
Or feeling this way?
How many people are listening to this same song?
How many people miss their best friend?
How many people just don't wanna go home?
How many people want to be accomplishing something beyond their means?
How many people are sure that they were meant to do something much, much more important? Like helping someone.

Or saving someone.

Stopping someone from doing something stupid or harmful.

How Many people are having a hard time comprehending this worlds twisted laws and "normalities"?
How many people believe in something better?

Something no one has even thought of before....

How many people are OUT there?
How many people can call themselves people at all?
How many people can hear me?

Not if I scream.
Not if I become famous.
Not even if I publish this blog.

How many people can HEAR me.

People who can relate?
Listen.
Feel.
Understand.




I think everyone can.
Everyone is.
We can't help ourselves.
Why do we try so damn hard?

One New Message

Late at night when I should be sleeping I often pick up my phone and look through my contacts, finding memories to match everyone in my phone book. It makes me feel closer to people I don't see anymore to have them a push of a button away. But that push of a button is another story entirely. I should be asleep, my boy just left and I feel like texting someone. Someone who knows my current life story. Someone who can level with me and share opinions. Someone who isn't going to blow me off or say something rude. Someone I can trust. And I know everyone who reads this is going to be like, "Hey, you can always text me!" But honestly, am I the one you go to in the middle of the night? How much do you actually know about the dynamics of my world as of the recent months? How close are we? I'll just set my phone down for now. Thank goodness for blogs.

A WHAT!?

A guy came up to the counter today and asked for a "quickie." After a couple minutes of offended confusion and rude comments I realized he wanted a quiche.