Catch and Release

I'm not going to shed a single tear for this. Another missed opportunity. Another name to add to the list of "what ifs." One more fish in the sea. But I can accept this. I didn't get a chance to know you very well, but I know enough to see you as a beautiful human being. It's sad. It's frustrating. Also, it's not a big deal. I have other options and better things coming. But loneliness wasn't my motivation. You were. I'm not writing this off completely. The future is a mystery and I wouldn't doubt our paths will cross one day. Until then, if then exists, I'm content just knowing I live in the same world as you. That thought alone makes things a little brighter.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Just ranting. Will probably delete later.

You may have fooled me at the time, but given 24hours thought on the conversation shed some new light. You tried disguising your insecurities with yourself in concern for me. "How are you going to handle this?" "We don't want you to get hurt." "You're awfully young." ... Like anyone cares that much about someone they just met. I'll be fine I'm a big girl, I know what I'm getting into and I fully understand the risks involved. Yes, this is confusing and new but since when is new a bad thing?? Yes, I have conflicting emotions... So what? You're not the one who has to feel them. You kept imying that I don't know what I want and I contradict myself. That may be but you know who else doesn't know how I feel or what I want?? You. So don't you dare pull this mothering, protective bull shit on me. Babe, I'm not buying it. You demand all this truth from me but you're hiding your real emotions under this transparent blanket of condescending insults. I gave you full control of the situation and you're abusing it to the best of your abilities. The reason you have complete control? You deserve it and obviously have the right to it. This much, I know and accept. But if you want to take advantage the way you are you better know you're disapointing more than just me. If you want me gone, fine I'm gone. But at least have the nerve to realize it for what it is. You don't believe me, but I don't need this. Just say the word. I can handle it. I'm only 20, but I'm not a god damn child.

Happiness vs Love

I know what I want... But I'm kind of hoping I can't have it. The one thing standing in my way is starting to feel like a blessing... Maybe I'm not just scared. Maybe I know what's good for me and for once I'm telling myself to protect me. Me, before anyone else. Maybe this time together isn't enough. No matter how safe it is, no matter how direct the situation is, no matter how right it feels... Maybe this time I'm not willing to be another kind of miserable. Love and happiness are not the same thing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Jealousy

What is jealousy really? To me jealousy is a lot like anger. A mixture of other emotions we've given a name to. If I break down my feelings of jealousy I'm left looking fear straight in the eye.


I'm afraid you like her better than me.
I'm afraid what I have won't support me as well as what you have.
I'm afraid he's having more fun than me.
I'm afraid she's prettier.

And why am I afraid? I want the best life for myself that I can manage. Every little piece counts. Fear drives us to better ourselves and our state of being in life. Without fear we have a harder time getting where we want to be. Fear and jealousy are powerful driving forces. Giving into them can either be harmful or helpful. Depending on how you face them. The important thing is that you do face them.


And I want you to know that in the process of writing this blog I changed my own mind.


... That complicates things. Dang it.

Who's morals are these?

I never thought I would be in this position. This is one of those places in life that has always seemed so black and white. And suddenly I'm standing in a giant, confusing blob of gray. I'm torn between what I've grown up believing, and what feels right. The social norm clashes so comically with the logical yet twisted reasonings of this situation. I can't help but to laugh. At the same time however, I can see this with a potentially harmful end. But the normal routs leading to companionship and happiness rarely work for me. Maybe it is time to branch out. I'm making no rash decisions.

Clarity

I've been on very unsure ground lately and regaining my footing unstabilizes things more and more. So I've been letting things flow and I'm realizing some of my delusions. I'm not who I thought I was to most people in my life. I've found myself meaning less to people who mean a lot to me and a lot to people who mean little to me. Some adjustments need to be made. There are people at my door waiting, with open arms to be let in. Then there are people I love and care for unconditionally who keep me no closer than arms length. I can't tell if it's because of the way I love that the ones I love aren't letting me in. Or if I really do just need to learn to love the right people. Either way, things are breaking apart and coming back together. Where people end up in my heart is up to them and I need to let my friendships place themselves instead of trying to control everything. So far, that's all I've got. It's a work in progress. =]

Square One

I can hardly begin to describe how overwhelmed I am right now. If I were to say everything is going wrong I'd be lying. But I can't exactly say things are going well either. Things just Are. I'm without a home now. Spending a few weeks with my parents. I'm single again. And I may be forced to leave my job. All my friendships are teetering on the edge and me, myself feels torn in a thousand different directions. Does it bother me? No, not exactly. I can see good and bad ways for all of this to work out. The problem is it's all happening at once and making this many decisions is driving me crazy. On the plus side I can go anywhere from here. There's this freedom I'm being forced to face that has never been there before. So when all is said and done. Square one is a great place to start.

Bitter Sweet

Impossible. A word that haunts the very existence of mankind. However it's not the super hero, cartoon world, abarcadabra impossible that nips at our dreams. No, it's the possible impossibilities that make us stand still, hold our breath and wish with all our heart and soul. I cannot, myself alone, fly off into the sky and spin and twirl around like a bird. And that, I have learned to accept as a piece of life the way it is in this world. I cannot, in any reality of this world, make a person love me. I can't be the one to decide how another person feels or what they say or do. It's these impossibilities that shake us. Because a person CAN love me. A person CAN say what I'd like them to. Situational impossibility is the most frustrating concept I have yet to come across in life. When you pull out all the stops, release inhibitions and do everything in your power to make your dreams into reality and still find your self facing a dead end. It brings to life a question of worth. Does it make sense to play a game you know you cannot win? Do you enjoy the limited journey to the best of your ability and prepare yourself to start anew when you reach your predestined end? Or do you search for a more fulfilling and rewarding task? Life is all about the journey right? It's the emotions we feel along the way that count. It's the depths of our friendships and connections with people that we love to look back on. Seems to me if you've found something worth fighting for, whatever the chances of success are it will be worth the journey. Do what you love. Be with who you love. But keep in mind that the only constant in this world is change. There's no way of avoiding pain. And no one gets out of this world alive. I often hear the phrase, "Live like you're dying." Half the time I see people living their lives as if already dead. wondering through life half asleep, waiting for happiness to find them. Take chances. Take risks and make your own decisions. Live like you're in control, even if you're not. Live life like you're dying? No. Live life like you're living.

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams, whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me


Dream a little dream of me.

It's Settled

After many late nights, tossing and turning...
After years wondering and wishing...
After all the confusion, stress and agony...

I've finally found a solution.

I've decided to live forever.

Suck it.

Esprit De Corps

To be alone is one of the most feared fates of mankind. Some fear isolation above all else. Above failure, above pain and even above death. Without companionship we don't feel human. We don't feel safe. Without love in our hearts our negative thoughts and feelings bounce off the walls, piercing and reverberating through our very bones. The cushion of friendship saves us from ourselves. We need each other. We know we need each other. Yet somehow this is a world filled with lonely hearts. An incommodious bubble of disarray, collectively filing and floating through the waves of humanity without a clue as to where we will land. All of us, searching for the same thing. We're all a little scared. We're all a little lost. And from time to time it is good to remember that we all, recurrently, feel loneliness enter our hearts. While you may feel lonesome, you can be sure that in that, you are not alone.

Dialectics

Lately I've been torn between two seemingly right conflicting actions. I've tried picking the more correct choice and there isn't one. I tried choosing the lesser of the two evils and that too, led me straight to a dead end. I've danced around it every way possible. But here I am... realizing that there has to be some bad with every good. Like a yin and yang. A day and night. There is a dark side to every situation. A shadowed corner in every human soul. Thing is, life ain't no either-or proposition. It's give and take. The good and bad merging into us as one. You can run but you can't hide. My conclusion, face the darkness. Challenge it. Become it. Take control of it. Own it. When asked to dance with your dark abettor, stare it in the eye and howl a sure and confident "Yes!" Pack up your bright side and your good intentions, strap them to your back and head off on an adventure.

Home

I have an odd perception of "home" I think. I don't know if I've ever felt "home." My parents house was always uncomfortable. I felt bad vibes in that place since I can remember. And The last few years I was there, I can't remember a time I really wanted to be there. I'm sure there were times I enjoyed myself. But I can't pick any out. My immediate family is all I've ever known. Mom, Dad and Brother. Pamela, Frank and Aaron. But apparently, home, to me, is not family.

After my parent's place I moved into "The Heezy." This was a great idea at the start. Allyson had been my friend for 17 years. She was the closest thing I'd ever known to a sister. Caitlin and I had always gotten along great. The three of us together used to have so much fun. And they seemed to have their shit together. Shortly after moving in there I realized I had been blinded by the glamor of freedom to realize the reunion was a foolish idea. We were in different places in our lives. Me, trying to get everything together. Testing myself and my freedom and maturity. Them, blowing off steam and living it day by day. Testing their limits. I could only take so much of it and soon realized to me, home is not freedom.

After escaping The Heezy I moved into Fairview with Timmy. This has been a bit of an adventure. And quite a relief after my last living situation. We get along great and I can't say I have a better friend then him. I've tried to make the place comfortable. At least somewhat. However, there really is only so much you can do with Fairview Manor. It is relieving to know Timmy will be there. Sooner or later I will run into one of my best friends. And he's one of the only people I can open up to lately. I've been house sitting the past few days. And already when I refer to going there I say I'm going "home." Apparently home, to me, is not relief.

I guess to me "home" is wherever I sleep. Where my essentials are kept. A place to take a shower and charge my phone. "Home" is an illusion. Nothing more. At least, for now.

The feeling of being "at home" I understand. When I reach out for an attachment to the phrase images come to mind. On the phone with Adam late at night. Riding around blaring music with Lavina, Timmy and David. Sitting on the bridge in the summer. Sitting on the pipeline in the woods, watching the sunset. Sitting on the grass downtown, talking with Marc. Watching glee at the Sabo's with the gang. My feeling of being "at home" is a collage of moments. Beautiful, touching, memorable moments. I may have no sense of  "home" But the feeling of being there will do for now.

Maybe this time...

He makes me:

Smile

Laugh

Blush

Hope

Dream

Feel

Excited

Nervous

Grateful

Comfortable

He makes me happy.

Happy

Feeling good again. I only wish there were more comfort in happiness. I'm just always scared it's going to go away as fast as it always comes. As it always does. But I'm trying to enjoy it. Trying to not be scared. Live in the moment for once. And just be content. Better than content. Happy. =)