Piercings

For some reason I have decided to document my piercings. So.. um well here they are! In order of how exciting they are.

Three in my left lobe and a cartilage.

Three in my right lobe and a Tragus.

Navel

 Two dermal anchors in my nape

So there you have it.At the moment I have to plans for future piercings. Unfortunately I'm out of ones I want. But if I change my mind I might post a picture depending on where it is =P lol jk

Wishing

Days like this remind me why I go to the lengths I go to to become this person I'm working at becoming. Days like this when I go to the gym and work off every last bite of food I've consumed. Days like this when I reach out to people who give me little to nothing back. Days like this when I make appointments to get my hair done for a price I can't afford. Days like this when I try my very hardest not to say anything disagreeable or offensive. Days like this when I keep my mouth shut in fear of saying something wrong. Days like this when I stare into the mirror for lengthy amounts of time, wishing I was born with different skin. Days like this break my heart. There aren't many days like this. I love life and I love me. But sometimes, on days like this, I wish someone else did too. 

Chin up Bright Eyes, loneliness can't last forever.

Love Birds

I found a baby bird yesterday in Alaska Land. Adam and I were walking around and found him on the ground. Put him back in the nest but an hour later he was on the ground again. So I took it with me. I was going to take the poor thing to the vet but they were closed until Monday so I just took it home. Made a little nest type thing in a box, put it under a lamp and have been feeding it little pieces of shrimp. I must say I rally do enjoy the company. Right now it's perched on the lamp singing with me. I turn on music and it just kinda looks around but once I start singing it chirps with me! I feel like freaking snow white. It's great. Gonna miss this little thing come Monday.

The Hot Mess

"I'm sorry about this. It's like I only Drag you into things that suck." -David
"Haha yeah I don't know why I listen to you anymore." -Me
"Because It's all you got." -David

Well shit...

Peaceful Loss

I seem to be playing a lot of games lately. There's this theme in life right now that I'm beginning to catch onto. The art of peaceful loss. I learned a few months ago that some things can be let go of without struggle. And I don't just have to pretend anymore. I can let go with confidence and ease. Finally I am capable of saying, "Hey, this isn't good for me. I don't need it in my life."
A friend who didn't respect me.
A man who could never love me.
A sister who didn't want me.
And a boy who used me.
All of these people I love on various levels. All four of them I care about to no end. Each one of them has made my life better and brightened my world. But right now, none of them need to be in my life. They might wonder back. I may have let my emotional attachments go but I am not above working to rebuild. Life will never stop moving and changing and I think a big part of finding happiness is learning to move and change with life, without losing yourself along the way. And that's my 2am rant on friends and lovers and the in-between.

"Frankly my dear..."

"She just doesn't like you."

"I always got the impression you were kind of a slut in high school."

"You said you don't normally make a good first impression. ... I'm gonna have to agree with that."

"You're just unpleasant to be around."

These are all things that have been expressed to me about myself and my life in the past few weeks. They hurt to hear but hearing these statements helps me a lot. I have some serious work to do. Most of my personality has been formed by my need and want to be loved. And it's led me to this. A life where only a very few select people seek my company. I've been standing in this uncomfortable and confining box for far too long. Goodbye limits! Goodbye over-abundance of self control! Goodbye insecurities! Because you know what world? I'm young. I'm beautiful. I'm interesting and I'm fun. Maybe not in the ways you're looking for. Maybe not in the ways you expect. But I am everything I need to be. I just need to find it all within myself. And I will. And when I do I'm not going running after anyone looking for approval. Because I don't give a damn what you think.

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Gravity Be Dammed

Things are confusing, hectic and difficult lately. I'm losing and gaining and compromising left and right. Nearly all aspects of my life the way I knew it three months ago have changed. I'm succeeding and failing in places I didn't previously know even existed. Times are hard... And times are great. I'm getting all this crazy exposure and I can feel it rounding out the jagged edges of my life. I have a long way to go and I honestly would not have it any other way. I've learned to love new things and people while learning I can still love the things I've lost and am losing with respect and appreciation for how they've helped shape my life. I've opened up my heart and mind to the idea of possibility. What is gone isn't lost and what is not yet or ever present still exists. I love life. More than that I love MY life. And all the little attached or broken pieces. Life is looking up.


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Catch and Release

I'm not going to shed a single tear for this. Another missed opportunity. Another name to add to the list of "what ifs." One more fish in the sea. But I can accept this. I didn't get a chance to know you very well, but I know enough to see you as a beautiful human being. It's sad. It's frustrating. Also, it's not a big deal. I have other options and better things coming. But loneliness wasn't my motivation. You were. I'm not writing this off completely. The future is a mystery and I wouldn't doubt our paths will cross one day. Until then, if then exists, I'm content just knowing I live in the same world as you. That thought alone makes things a little brighter.


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Just ranting. Will probably delete later.

You may have fooled me at the time, but given 24hours thought on the conversation shed some new light. You tried disguising your insecurities with yourself in concern for me. "How are you going to handle this?" "We don't want you to get hurt." "You're awfully young." ... Like anyone cares that much about someone they just met. I'll be fine I'm a big girl, I know what I'm getting into and I fully understand the risks involved. Yes, this is confusing and new but since when is new a bad thing?? Yes, I have conflicting emotions... So what? You're not the one who has to feel them. You kept imying that I don't know what I want and I contradict myself. That may be but you know who else doesn't know how I feel or what I want?? You. So don't you dare pull this mothering, protective bull shit on me. Babe, I'm not buying it. You demand all this truth from me but you're hiding your real emotions under this transparent blanket of condescending insults. I gave you full control of the situation and you're abusing it to the best of your abilities. The reason you have complete control? You deserve it and obviously have the right to it. This much, I know and accept. But if you want to take advantage the way you are you better know you're disapointing more than just me. If you want me gone, fine I'm gone. But at least have the nerve to realize it for what it is. You don't believe me, but I don't need this. Just say the word. I can handle it. I'm only 20, but I'm not a god damn child.

Happiness vs Love

I know what I want... But I'm kind of hoping I can't have it. The one thing standing in my way is starting to feel like a blessing... Maybe I'm not just scared. Maybe I know what's good for me and for once I'm telling myself to protect me. Me, before anyone else. Maybe this time together isn't enough. No matter how safe it is, no matter how direct the situation is, no matter how right it feels... Maybe this time I'm not willing to be another kind of miserable. Love and happiness are not the same thing.

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Jealousy

What is jealousy really? To me jealousy is a lot like anger. A mixture of other emotions we've given a name to. If I break down my feelings of jealousy I'm left looking fear straight in the eye.


I'm afraid you like her better than me.
I'm afraid what I have won't support me as well as what you have.
I'm afraid he's having more fun than me.
I'm afraid she's prettier.

And why am I afraid? I want the best life for myself that I can manage. Every little piece counts. Fear drives us to better ourselves and our state of being in life. Without fear we have a harder time getting where we want to be. Fear and jealousy are powerful driving forces. Giving into them can either be harmful or helpful. Depending on how you face them. The important thing is that you do face them.


And I want you to know that in the process of writing this blog I changed my own mind.


... That complicates things. Dang it.

Who's morals are these?

I never thought I would be in this position. This is one of those places in life that has always seemed so black and white. And suddenly I'm standing in a giant, confusing blob of gray. I'm torn between what I've grown up believing, and what feels right. The social norm clashes so comically with the logical yet twisted reasonings of this situation. I can't help but to laugh. At the same time however, I can see this with a potentially harmful end. But the normal routs leading to companionship and happiness rarely work for me. Maybe it is time to branch out. I'm making no rash decisions.

Clarity

I've been on very unsure ground lately and regaining my footing unstabilizes things more and more. So I've been letting things flow and I'm realizing some of my delusions. I'm not who I thought I was to most people in my life. I've found myself meaning less to people who mean a lot to me and a lot to people who mean little to me. Some adjustments need to be made. There are people at my door waiting, with open arms to be let in. Then there are people I love and care for unconditionally who keep me no closer than arms length. I can't tell if it's because of the way I love that the ones I love aren't letting me in. Or if I really do just need to learn to love the right people. Either way, things are breaking apart and coming back together. Where people end up in my heart is up to them and I need to let my friendships place themselves instead of trying to control everything. So far, that's all I've got. It's a work in progress. =]

Square One

I can hardly begin to describe how overwhelmed I am right now. If I were to say everything is going wrong I'd be lying. But I can't exactly say things are going well either. Things just Are. I'm without a home now. Spending a few weeks with my parents. I'm single again. And I may be forced to leave my job. All my friendships are teetering on the edge and me, myself feels torn in a thousand different directions. Does it bother me? No, not exactly. I can see good and bad ways for all of this to work out. The problem is it's all happening at once and making this many decisions is driving me crazy. On the plus side I can go anywhere from here. There's this freedom I'm being forced to face that has never been there before. So when all is said and done. Square one is a great place to start.

Bitter Sweet

Impossible. A word that haunts the very existence of mankind. However it's not the super hero, cartoon world, abarcadabra impossible that nips at our dreams. No, it's the possible impossibilities that make us stand still, hold our breath and wish with all our heart and soul. I cannot, myself alone, fly off into the sky and spin and twirl around like a bird. And that, I have learned to accept as a piece of life the way it is in this world. I cannot, in any reality of this world, make a person love me. I can't be the one to decide how another person feels or what they say or do. It's these impossibilities that shake us. Because a person CAN love me. A person CAN say what I'd like them to. Situational impossibility is the most frustrating concept I have yet to come across in life. When you pull out all the stops, release inhibitions and do everything in your power to make your dreams into reality and still find your self facing a dead end. It brings to life a question of worth. Does it make sense to play a game you know you cannot win? Do you enjoy the limited journey to the best of your ability and prepare yourself to start anew when you reach your predestined end? Or do you search for a more fulfilling and rewarding task? Life is all about the journey right? It's the emotions we feel along the way that count. It's the depths of our friendships and connections with people that we love to look back on. Seems to me if you've found something worth fighting for, whatever the chances of success are it will be worth the journey. Do what you love. Be with who you love. But keep in mind that the only constant in this world is change. There's no way of avoiding pain. And no one gets out of this world alive. I often hear the phrase, "Live like you're dying." Half the time I see people living their lives as if already dead. wondering through life half asleep, waiting for happiness to find them. Take chances. Take risks and make your own decisions. Live like you're in control, even if you're not. Live life like you're dying? No. Live life like you're living.