Remembering Me

I remember the girl back in high school. Who would say whatever was on her mind. Who used her emotions to relate to people. Who knew how to make people feel how she wanted them to. The girl who was an open book for whoever cared to read into her. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone within arms reach.

But today she's different. And how could you expect anyone to stay the same for that long? Change is good. But sometimes I'm scared I've gone too far. I feel I've grown into a healthy state of mind and sense of awareness. Possibly too aware? It's hard for me to get people to see me for who I am. I look timid. I look weak. I look passive and insecure. I know this. But I am not this. If you could only see just how much fighting I've done. If you had been there as I have you would know I'm just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything being a battle. Yes, I'm quite, but give me a good reason and I'll scream. Yes, I'm an introvert, but attack something I care about and expect altercation. Yes, I'm guarded, but if you're something special and you show me you're sincere, I'll let you into my heart.  I want to make people happy. I can't help that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately this often comes across as me being scared of being uncomfortable, and me being scared of getting hurt. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to feel degraded or desolate. No one wants that. However, those emotions, I can deal with. But can you? I guess I need to have a little more faith in people.

I pretty much had this exact same conversation a few days ago with someone... for some reason it's still on my mind. I guess when someone has a pretty good grasp on your personality any little slip seems like a bigger deal than it probably is. Either way, I suppose I'm on a journey to take a few bricks off the wall around my inhibitions.

<3

Just when I think it's all falling apart...
Just when I'm starting to wonder if this was a good idea...
Just when I'm starting to question your motives...
And just when I start to let myself slip away...

You pull me back in.

You make me feel more like a woman than any man ever has. You make me feel sexy and irresistible. You make me feel special. You make me feel intelligent and confident. You make me feel amazing.

And then you let me starve. Hunger for you, crave you.

You tease me.

---

And I love it.

Greed?

For Halloween my friends and I are dressing up to each personify one of the seven deadly sins. Most of the sins and the people representing them had to be shuffled around a bit until they either fit the right people or weren't offending anyone. There were two that were a unanimous vote from the very start. Mine was one of those, and I'm tasked with finding a costume that symbolizes greed.

There's been this ongoing joke for the past 5 years that I am the "Designated Jew" of the group. Even when all but one or two members of said group have changed I am still, The Jew. It kinda fits anyway because I'm a workaholic and am generally pretty good with money.

But... does budgeting myself and being a hard worker make me greedy? The definition of Greed  is, "A selfish and excessive desire for more of something than is needed." If I stand back and look at it, that's not me at all. There's not much I have an excessive amount of. My car is nice, but not great. I don't own a bunch of expensive jewelry. Half my clothes I buy at Value Village.

As far as my greed with money.. It's not so much greed that keeps me comfortable having two or three jobs, working as much overtime as I can and being aware of where exactly my money is going. It's fear. I'm scared to need something and not be able to attain it. Also for me work has always been a great way to get my mind off things. I feel accomplished and useful after a good days work. The money is nice obviously but there are other reasons I like working.

So when I stop and think about it, me being the obvious choice for Greed is pretty inaccurate. But, in the end I can't possibly actually be upset about because... Well, I AM The Jew ;)

Dear Life,

If you don't mind, I think I'll be happy now.

Hopefully yours,
Emily

Deluuuusional???

I keep waking up to terrifying hallucinations. It started shortly after I began taking this new sleeping pill my doctor thought was a good idea. I woke up, opened my eyes and I was covered in spiders. I freaked out, jumped up, brushed some of the hundreds of spiders off me, was looking at my spider-covered bed... And they disappeared. I figured a bad dream just carried on a little too long, and went back to sleep. About fifteen minutes later I woke up, opened my eyes and the spiders were back. This went on, every fifteen to twenty minutes for the rest of the night.

A few weeks ago I was parked at Alaska Land, wasting time before I had to go to work. I dozed off. When my "get to work" alarm went off on my phone I opened my eyes, looked out my window and a foot tall spider was standing on the hood of my car, I spent a good five to ten seconds freaking out and then it was gone.

Yesterday when I woke up I turned over, looked at the other side of the bed, where my laptop was sitting and saw a spider with ridiculously long legs climb into my keyboard. I jumped up, ran my computer down to my garage, set it down and went back to bed. When I woke up again I realized how unlikely it was that a spider that size could even fit into my keyboard.

This is freaking me out and making me feel a bit crazy. It's not the first time something like this has happened either. Last winter I was sure I was being haunted. A few very horrifying events had me questioning between insanity or the paranormal. I'm really hoping this just goes away. and soon.

The Aimless

Someone who cares about me in that way.

Someone who loves me.

Someone who wants to take care of me.

... ... ...

What would I do with that anyway?

I don't care how cheesy this is.

We never thought we'd become so close. We didn't even really try to be friends. We both needed someone to motivate the other to go to the gym. One Sunday morning we decided to give it a try. A few weeks later we began getting food after the gym. After that we decided to hang out and continue the conversations we had started at Planet Fitness or over Thai food. Soon enough she was the friend I told everything to. The friend I could sit chatting with for hours at a time. Out of nowhere I had found me a great additive to my circle of best friends. And over the summer, Laci grew closer to me than anyone else. And she's gone now... And I miss her terribly.

We could have the best time doing the stupidest shit.

Everything was funnier and stranger.

And then that crazy little friend of mine left. 

I am so happy for you Laci. So glad you found a good man and got out of this horrible state. I'm so inspired by your courage, strength and ability to love. But damn, I miss you so much. Don't forget how much you mean to me and how grateful I am that we became friends! Love you always <3

A List

Things there aren't enough of:

Zebras Good long nights of sleep Ventriloquists Heroes Cashiers at Fred Meyers Radio stations that only play my favorite song on repeat forever Rainy days in Alaska Beaches in Alaska Coupons Compliments Sweet dreams Roller coasters Women leaders Fuel efficient vehicles Happy marriages Collage scholarships Reggae bands Non permanent hair dye colors Bubbles... ever Good old fashioned Disney movies Colors of eyes Flying cars Cheering crowds Healthy things that taste good Leopards Dragons Dr. Seuss Books Really old (but clean [duh]) Tupperware Chips with the perfect amount of cheese on them in your plate of nachos Real-bearded Santas Freckles Flavors of jell-o Good paying and easy jobs Tea... In my cup. Right now Redheads Acceptance letters to Hogwarts Seasons of "Fame" Seasons of love Hours in a day Really, really tall people Time machines Costume Parties

Delirium

 

"When love is not madness, it is not love."

-Pedro Calderon de la Barca

This Drug

You are pathologically insane. You let yourself become erratic and emptied your heart and mind waiting for something external to come take up the space. You were tired and lost and they found you at just the right moment. Offering you a place to rest and a flood of thoughts and ideas you can fill the empty spaces with.

It's a brilliant plan. Because getting someone lost on what they believe is their yellow brick road to happiness isn't something anyone else can fight. I want you to see how lost you are in yourself but dammit, if I say anything I instantly become the bad guy.

And no, I refuse to join in on this manic journey to a seemingly peaceful state of delusion. This epic fabrication has done nothing but harm the ones I love. It's taken more people from me than I care to admit. I hate losing someone I love so dearly but there are some things, even if worth fighting for, are best left alone.

(I am well aware that I may be wrong about this. But this is how I feel and what I believe with every fiber of my being.)

What if they find us?

They're not looking anyway.
=)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Summer '11 memories

This summer has been so full and exciting. I've spent so many beautiful days and nights reaching out and getting to know my friends better. Every Summer I wish I kept a list. Something to look back on. Then I realized that's kinda what my blog is for anyway. It's a place I can go to remind myself of what I've done, felt and thought. So here's my list from this summer so far. The most memorable of events =)

Time with friends...
Birthday festivities with Timmy and Meghan.
Floating the river with Ashleigh.
Playground time with Laci and Daniel.
Getting junk food with David and eating it on itchy terrible grassy fields.
Swings with Timmy and eclectic groups.
Hunting Cake with Marc and Joe
Solstice Fair walking around with Laci and Sean
Awkward bolwing with Hannah, Blaine, Vince and Buster.
Eventually finding and watching A Comedy of Errors with Lavina.
Dressing up getting ready for costume parties with Hannah.
Working out, eating Thai food and talking about boys with Laci.
Staying up until 7am talking philosophy with Ivyl, Jacob and Aaron.


The parties...
Harry Potter party at Sam's- Then seeing the movie with Sam, Sam, Laura and Marc
The Deity party- Tackled by a nun.
The movie character party- "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim, cha-roo!"
The white trash party- Then Family Restaurant group
Ashleigh's Birthday Party- We found a boat!
The accidental party at Timmy's- Battle Waltzing!
Girls night at Hannahs' =P

The events...
Clucking Blossom- Got The Court back together for a second.
The failed flash mob- Got to dance so whatever!
AYP- Painted Lavina's stomach, preformed, chilled with Mikey, Kat, Atigun, Sean, David.
The Hot Mess- Preformed at The Marlin


The trips...
Life altering trip to Arizona.
Hiking Trip with Laci, Elle and Alisha
Mind blowing trip to Anderson.
Chena Hot Springs trip with Laura and Sam.
Camping with Adam.

The boys...
Adam, Lee, Alex, Ethan
lol If nothing else I have some pretty good stories!

I'm sure there is more to come. The fair is coming up and that always ends up being an adventure. And I'll probably have to come back and add to what I remember anyway.

Loving Moments

It's nights like last night that really open up my mind to possibility. Enjoying the company of people who I do not know outside of that moment. A large conglomerate of people from different faces of life. Laughing, drinking, singing and loving the moment. Then a smaller group. Sitting, smoking, drawing, talking about life, love and loss. All of us just a step away from the boundaries of our comfort zones. We were exchanging opinions and thoughts. The room slowly filling up with smoke and the tensions we had been releasing from lips. Finding ways to communicate. Not understanding each other, but understanding life and the beauty of the confusion and unfamiliar ground we were so peacefully bound to, in that moment. It's impossible to describe. It's impossible to put into words or even clear thoughts. But if I can go to sleep this morning with this one absolute I am content. Right now things seem so clearly abstract. The world is a beautiful place.

By the way...

Please, if you have something to say and want it taken seriously, let me know who you are. All comments are subjective and if I don't know who's posting them (especially if they're rude or confrontational) they don't travel far into my emotions or thought processes.
Thank you =)

One more

And the Helix there at the top. Woops.