Go Figure

I'm happy. Not completely... not ALL the time. But part of my happiness comes with realizing I don't need a perfect life to experience happiness. I knew it all along, but it's never been an option. I'm constantly on the brink of writing a new poem, "Ode To Antidepressants." I wasn't sure what they would do really. I've tried the illegal type drugs that make me happy. And I sure as hell wasn't expecting them to work like that. So I really had no idea. Basically I feel less weighed down. Before if things weren't going well I literally felt heavier. Like I really was carrying the world on my shoulders. Now I feel more like my picture! lol holding the world up, and doing just fine. Of course the pills do cause some problems... When things go wrong I have a hard time knowing how to react. I have my instinct reaction... which contradicts directly with how I actually feel.. It's weird. But apart from little things like that.. I'm happy. It's been a long time. And it feels good. A have some friends who don't think the pills are a good idea. "fake happiness" It's not fake... The pills I'm on simply help my brain transmit emotion better than it used to. The potential for happiness was always there but my body wasn't letting me feel it. I feel it now, and it's amazing to enjoy life sometimes. Thing aren't perfect, not even close... But I'm okay with it. The big parts of my life = School, Dance, Work, Caitlin, Lavina, Chai Tea. I love them all! <3

P.S. This blog is horribly formatted. Sorry. lol

I can't say it

Person 1 - You hurt me. You know me just well enough to trick me into anything. You twist my words and ignore my emotions. You're horrible.

Person 2 - I miss you... The wounds have healed. I not longer hurt... I'm no longer angry. But, I'll always miss you.

Person 3 - I love you. You're amazing... I'd be lost without you.

Person 4 - The thought of you alone makes it hard for me to breath. I don't need you. You don't need me. Leave me alone.

Person 5 - I think about you a lot... It's random. I hardly know you... I wonder if you think about me too...

Person 6 - If I told you you wouldn't believe me but you mean a lot to me. You're a good friend and a better person than you realize.

Honesty

If you know me at all you'll know that I'm very suspicious of people. It's not that I naturally don't trust. I have nothing against someone... but I don't have anything for them until i know they can be trusted. Speaking on the grand scale this makes sense. Why be friends with someone who will tell your secrets? Or lie to you about theirs? But do you ever wonder just how much of what people are saying is a lie? There's the instinct reaction lies such as when someone you don't really know asks how you're doing and despite how horribly your day's been going you respond with, "Oh fine, how're you?" I've been wondering lately just how much people really tell the truth about. I mean I've been there before when someone I don't really care for is having a hard time so I tell them, "It's okay... Things will work out. I'm here if you need me. I really care about you." And yeah, it's all been bullshit. I WOULD help... But I don't actually care. I don't do that anymore. A simple, "Damn homie... that sucks." Will do it for me if I don't actually care. How often do I talk to someone and what they're telling me is really, "Damn homie... that sucks." ... I wish there was a real way to tell. I can't lie. Well I guess I CAN But lately I don't see the point. The truth always floats to the surface in the end anyway so why not just push it up there to start with and save some time?? If more people were actually honest about their feelings or opinions sure the sweetness of sugar coating everything would be lost but at least we'd all know what's really going on in life.

Confined

Immobile… my life.. There’s no where for me to go at all. It seems like lately all I can do is let things happen. Nothing I do changes anything. I don’t try to do much I guess.. I don’t care enough.. I wish I had something to care about. I don’t care about dance anymore. It’s pointless. Waste of my time. I’ve never cared much about school.. I don’t have an super meaningful relationships right now. Okay.. A few but they’re not going anywhere new. I just.. I feel like the less goes on in my life the more satisfied I am. But I get no satisfaction from nothing. I get… nothing. I am nothing. I don’t matter. I don’t inspire anyone. I don’t make anyone angry. I just.. Am. Thrown in among the busy lives of others as a decoration or hurtle. But never anything too critical. Even when i try to make an impact I feel trapped within my emotional limits.. I realize most of my life’s situation is my own creation. I wanted to detach myself. It worked. Just how I wanted it to. I fell… of course. This time.. No one backed out of my life because of it. Why? Where would anyone go? No one’s close enough to feel the need to drift away. I love it. I think I’d be happy if I was completely alone by choice. Either that or if I actually had a stable emotional connection with someone. Maybe a few someones. But no. I’m just here… Doing god knows what for god knows why and confused as hell about it. I wish I actually cared more. That’s the only thing that REALLY bothers me. I stopped caring as much. I react a lot of the times out of habit, not out of passion. What passion? I feel it from time to time. There’s a few friends who spark it in me. I feel emotion towards them and I soak it in. Any hint of emotion or feeling… Give me something to fight for. Give me something to love. Give me a reason to care. Something… Anything at all. I miss loving.

Too much

Too much drama. Too much life. My life was really boring for a while there. I prefer it that way. A lot of people know that something happened this past weekend that's sent me into this downward spiral of confusion and depression. There's a VERY select few who know the story. Let me start this by saying IT'S NOT PERSONAL!!! The issue is NOT if I told YOU or not. If anyone goes off on me for it I'll hit you. I didn't tell you the story for a reason. Except it. I just feel like I need to be doing something. There's absolutely nothing I can do but wait and talk. So here I am. I don't know what to do. I know what I'm going to do I guess I just don't know how to feel. I'm having issues with two of my best friends now because of this one thing. The school showed up in my life and I had to do some creative speaking to get out of the councilors office. Poor Mr. East... I randomly run into his room and ask for advice on extremely vague issues.. Poor dance people... I'm such a grouch. Poor Adam... He just happened to be on the phone at the wrong time... I just don't know how to control myself anymore. I'm sorry.. Anyone who reads this. I don't mean to be so horrible. It'll pass. In the mean time ignore me. This is generally the point in the routine where most my friends would leave my life. But I don't have much of anyone close. I'm thankful for that. I don't know where I'm supposed to be going with this blog. it's pointless. I just need to be talking. I need to be doing something. I'm failing 3 classes. I've run off the road twice now.. I can't understand dance anymore... Falling apart. Please forgive me.

I'm looking for a friend...

You may have seen this on my MySpace. Just thought I'd share. Again.

I'm looking for a friend. It isn't urgent. I can wait. But I've always got an eye open. I connect better with guys but sadly I'm bad at keeping them in my life. I'm looking for the one you can trust. The friend who may not agree with me, but respects my opinions. The one who trust me to help them and be a part of their life. A friend who bothers being in mine... Someone who will keep a promise. Someone who will stick around. Someone who will support me and give me modivation. Someone who WON'T try to date me! But someone who can learn to love me anyway. As a friend. Someone who can accept my imperfections and understand my insecurities. Someone who can stand back and give me an outside opinion when I need it. Someone with advice. Good or bad, as long as they care enough to give it. I'm not looking for someone to write the lyrics of my life... Just someone who will sing along.

Where Am I?

Unfamiliar ground. I'm sitting here alone, alone and content. Confused as ever and habitually upset. But for what? I'm lonely by choice this time. It's easier to deal with being alone if you don't fight against it first. People tell me I'm not dealing with my problems. What problems? I don't have any other than medical stuff. Guy problems? No... I don't have a boy, and don't want one. Friend problems? No... All my friends are where they want to be in my life. Most are farther away than usual but I'm fine with that. Truly and honestly, I'm fine with it. Something's clearly missing in my life. What? I don't know. It's not that I miss anyone really. I'll always miss being with Christian... I'll always miss Adam and Ashley. But as far as people I can actually see, I don't feel the need to draw anyone closer. The only problem in my life is I'm lonely. But what I'm missing isn't something or someone I miss, it's an unknown. I'm not unhappy. I'm not happy. I simply... am. Where am I? I've been asking myself that question since I got here. Feels like I'm somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere. Where to from here?

It really is a battle...

I was in a good mood today. I mean.. I got plenty of sleep… had fun in all my classes. Skipped math with Allyson, got coffee, had fun with Lavina and Hannah after school. Had a decent time at dance, got an awesome surprise text… don’t even have homework. So.. I’m in a good mood right? Well I told myself today I’d be happy. And I was but it’s like catching smoke. Happiness just slips through my grasp. I don’t even have much to be terribly depressed over right now. I’m not heartbroken from Christian anymore, I don’t care about Garrett, school’s easy, I’m enjoying work, dance is… well it’s decent. I’m less miserable than I’ve been in the past year but I’m just not happy. I can’t be happy. Life goes well and I have to struggle to not fall into this stupor… It’s like my fall back plan. If I don’t know what emotion to feel go to sadness because I’m used to dealing with it. ??? I really don’t know. I’m just sick of being unhappy. Everyone say, “Create your own happiness.” I try, and I can’t. I can decide to be in a good mood… but it doesn’t work. I just slip back to where I started. Not depression, just… this low feeling. I can laugh and appreciate life and the people around me. I just don’t feel how I should. I don’t know what to do. Or if there’s even anything I can do. Not entirely sure why I wrote this.. But, here it is.

Because of them...

You really do learn something new from every person you meet. No matter how small a lesson or how big.. Everyone you encounter in your life makes some kind of change in you.

Looking back I’ve realized that every guy who’s played a big part in my life has taught me one of those amazing, life altering lessons. Yes, girls have taught me things too.. But the impressions are never as deep. Not sure why… It’s not the issue either. I made a short list…

Seth(1st boyfriend) taught me confidence.
-- Okay not a lesson I learned well from. But if you can believe it I used to be less self confident.
Brad(2nd boyfriend) taught me acceptance.
-- Don’t ask questions. Accept it.
Egan(friend) taught me, over the course of about 2 years, forgiveness.
-- Or… Well I learned it because of him.
Christian(3rd boyfriend. First love) taught me just how strong I can really be.
Timmy(friend) taught me it is possible to have fun even if life’s not going the way you planned.
-- This may be because he’s just insane. Oh well.
Adam(friend) taught me that it’s okay to trust.
-- Even if it hurts.
Harry(best friend) taught me how to truly care for another person.
-- By letting me. If only for a short amount of time.
Joe(friend) taught me how to give space when needed.
Garrett(4th boyfriend) gave me what I needed to learn to let go.

My point… I guess is that no matter how much any of these people hurt me (they ALL did) I regret nothing. I wouldn’t be half of who I was without these people. Honestly I don’t like myself much. But I would be even worse off without the guys in my life.

Girls don’t hurt me. With one exception no girl has ever really harmed me emotionally. I care about my girl friends very much. I love them deeply. But what is it about the opposite sex? Why do they effect us the way they do? It’s not necessarily sexual. My friends listed above… Nothing sexual. Just.. Emotional. And not the most emotional people even. I’m not even looking for an answer. Just sending this thought out into the world. What is it about them? Why do they effect us so?

The Last First Day

School starts today. I'm a senior this year. It's kinda of sad... I went into freshmen year thinking, "Great! High school! This is going t be amazing!!" I went into Sophmore year thinking, "This year will be even better. I love all my friends!" I went into Junior year thinking, "Well shit, what more could go wrong?" And I'm going into Senior year thinking, "Nothing to lose." Most of the high school life lessons I think I've got. Broken heart, lost best friend, death, failed classes, car crash, job, drugs, alcohol... Now it's just learning to live without things. Learning to take everything that's happened to me and become a successful, independent person. Actually... Grow up? By now I think one of the only things holding me back is that I have forgotten how to love as I once could. My friends are dear to me, but I've been hurt too much to let myself lean on anyone. But I guess it's all part of growing up and becoming your own person. So... here we go. Senior year.

Experience

Okay so this was a blog I wrote and posted on mysapce almost a year ago. But as the world knows no one takes myspace seriously. So I decided to replace it here.



Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a book or a course manual to life? We would no longer wonder who to trust, what do expect or which way to turn. It would all be right there in front of us. However it's no secret that the answers to life aren't lined up before us with a cheat sheet attached. We have to learn. We have to work for our wisdom.

Learning. We go to school to learn. That's why we're there. Most of us go to school thinking our teachers will tell us all we need to know. The inteligent people being paid to make us smarter. Surely they have all the answers. But how much of what we read or discuss in school can be used in life?

Oscar Wilde once said, "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught." I have never heard of words spoken in more truth. The real learning we do, the real lessons can only be taught by the most cynical of all teachers, experience. Man kind is forced to undergo the process of receiving our lessons in the form of our results. Instinct can only get you so far. Other words come to mind as I consider this topic: Regret, luck, disappointment, mistakes. I've had to learn the hard way just how effective going through these things can be and I am sure I am not the only one.

So often life does not seem to be about doing the right thing but about not doing the wrong thing. Process of elimination. With enough attempts and enough failures eventually you will learn the correct way of going about your life. If there was a way to make this easier or less painful, now that would be a relief to us all. It's a shame how much damage can be done in the quest for the wisdom we need to conduct our lives properly. You may lose friends, respect, faith, hope, courage and countless other securities. With luck, what you learn in life will make up for the harm caused on your journey towards knowledge.

No matter how hard you may try, Or how much you learn, sometimes the wounds are just too deep. Sometimes the regrets do not fade away. Is this the result of experience being too harsh of a teacher? Is this the result of a weak person combined with difficult situations? No one can say for sure. Of course it depends entirely on the person in question and the situation in which they are placed. So many times you might here, "Had I known then..." or, "What was I thinking when..." The comfort in those words rests only in the knowledge that the same mistake will not happen twice. A faint ray of hope, but what more can we really expect?

Everyone knows experience is the best teacher, but how many of us are greatfull how painful learning is? I've found truth in that the more agonizing or dramatic something is the more I learn from it. It makes an impression on me. Makes me stronger, or so I'd like to believe. The most you can do is learn the lesson and do whatever it takes to heal the wounds. Some things cannot be healed. Some are not meant to be. Perhaps the trials and errors in life are no more than a test. In my opinion though, the only way to be sure of complete sucsess is to understand and suffer failure.

Why You Runnin'?

You know that feeling where you have so much flooding into your mind all at once you literally feel weighed down by the stress and pressure of your own imagination and concerns? Well last night was something like that for me. So much running through my mind... So much pain, so much confusion, excitement, desire, shame, fear, relief and on and on so many different kinds of emotions battling against one another and my brain unable to focus on one emotion, thought or issue.

I tried to watch a movie to distract myself. No luck I was simply unable to focus. I took a hot shower, made some tea and tried to go to bed.. An hour and half into my attempt at sleeping I got up, put some shoes on and stepped outside. Then I ran. Down the hill onto the trail I used to walk all the time when I was younger... And I just kept running... through the dark. The longer I ran the fewer emotions I seemed to have in my way. I kept running until I was out of breath and aching from pains in my sides, legs and feet. I stopped. Sat down in the wet ground on the side of the road.. I tried to think of my problems... Nothing came to me. I tried to think of my blessings... Still nothing. I was at that moment completely neutral to everything in my life. Nothing was harmful.. The past week, however self destructive I may have been didn't seem important. My friends, whom I love dearly were just another small puzzle piece in my life. No one had hurt me, no one had helped me.. I hadn't hurt or helped myself.. I was just... There. I tried to analyze it.. but my brain simply refused. My thoughts were no longer fighting one another.. they had given up. I was nothing. So I walked home. Unusually aware of my surroundings.. The lights from the nearest houses bringing the only distinction into my life.. guiding me home. Why I was walking didn't matter... Where I was going didn't matter. I just wanted to sleep. So I got home, crawled into bed and went my first night without dreams since about three weeks ago. Blissful, undisturbed sleep.

Struck By Lightning

Something I've learned about myself over the past few years is when I get hurt physically, I more or less just brush it off. Emotionally, I dwell in it and fall to pieces. Once again this blog idea started whith a conversation with a freind. I told him i had really bad luck. He said, "what about people who get struck by lightning, twice.... you know the odds of that? Your lucky you havent even been struck once." And my first reaction was to say I'd rather be struck by lightning once than dumped twice by guys I really liked.

I'm a very emotional person. And I'm sick of it! Shlina wrote a blog about "tomorrow for sale." Well how about emotion for sale? I don't want to feel as much as I do. I don't want to care, hurt, love, hate... I'm sick of them all. The option is so rarely happiness! "make your own happiness emily!" "law of attracation!!" Fuck you Chase. I've tried to make myself happy. I've tried to pretend I'm happy hoping I'll trick myself into it. In my last blog I wrote how I agree you have to fight for what you want.. I still agree. The annoying thing is that the things that I truly want, the things that will actually make me happy aren't things you can fight to get.

P.S. I don't hate Chase btw. Just his law of attraction rants. Also if anyone knows how to sell emotion, please tell me how.

"Struggle, Fight, Overcome."

The best advice was given to me tonight... In the middle of a horrible ordeal too. Such advice as this makes me mostly angry that no one's ever worded it right before as to where I connect to it..

"Struggle, Fight, Overcome. Such is life. You have to fight for what you want or you'll never have it. Emily, you have to take it!"

You know... Fighting for things hasn't always got me what I wanted. Shit, in one experience it pushed what I wanted away. A best friend, who only started hating me when I started fighting for him. But you know... I ask myself now, "Would I be okay knowing that I didn't try?" And then I answer myself, "Of course not!"

I'm currently in the middle of losing another person... Well, honestly he's trying to lose me. But I took that advice to heart. I'm not letting go without a fight. I want to keep this person with me... And I'll find a way. Okay so far all I've done is beg. And yeah I feel stupid about it. ... Real stupid. But, I'll make it right.

People are always saying they're sick of fighting for things. I guess at some point you have to realize it's never going to end. As long as you love, as long as you feel for another person you'll find yourself fighting. Sitting around waiting for life to change isn't the worst idea... but certainly not the best.

"Struggle, Fight, Overcome." ... Then write a blog about it.

What I Don't Say

I guess the reason I'm trying to start this blog is to get stuff off my chest without annoying people. I dunno it seems like when I talk about important stuff with a lot of my friends they get irritated with me. With a blog people can chose to ignore me, but I still get the thoughts out there. So here they are.. Or, here they will be. What I don't say. The bits and pieces of me I don't lay out there on my personality billboard. So if you're interested. Here I am.