Hello, Anger

I missed you. <3

"Anger is a secondary emotion."

And I live for it.

I feel alive. I feel powerful.

I used to turn every emotion into anger.
Loneliness. Guilt. Sadness. Jealousy. Love.

Whatever!

I knew how to deal with it that way.

Material Possessions

This is horribly written. Sorry.

I always get attached to intimate objects. Why? I can count on them? There's not going anywhere unless I want them to? Who knows.. Something like that. Lately I've been trying to get rid of some of those things...

• Goodbye sweatshirt, teddy bear, ring...
• Goodbye Key chains. I don't drive a Harley anyway. And I'm not a bus driver.
• Goodbye Lemmie... Yes, I'm getting rid of Lemmie! lol

I managed to detach myself from needing people so much. I've gotten good at losing people. Too good maybe. I'm a little strange now. It's hard to know how to react towards people. I switched my emotional attachment from people to things. In theory if I get rid of the things I'll either lose emotional attachment all together or I'll go back to needing people a bit more.

I need a change that's for sure. Somethings off in my life. Apart from not being happy.. there's something that just feels out of place. I think it's me. Finding my place isn't one of my better qualities though. I don't know what I want, sometimes I feel like I'm ready to love again. other times I feel like I'm ready to be completely alone. I think I'm waiting until I'm certain about something... Which in all likelihood will never happen.

One day it'll all come crashing down. I'll fall head over heels into someones arms. Or, I'll get in my car and drive... and... drive... Or I'll make some friends.. and learn to love them.. as I let go of the pain I used to feel. It'll fall into place and settle down in the right order. All I know is this isn't right. But there's nothing I can do right now but experiment. I've tried getting attached to a guy... I just don't feel like I used to about relationships. I've tried getting attached to a girl, but... girls are silly. I'm letting go of my material possessions that hold a place inside my heart... objects don't really mean anything. ... maybe.

Dancers of '09 (stolen from Lavina)

Goodbye memories of...

spaghetti
hatu!
Thea having the glue
Will's excuses
cake
smoooothies!!
heels
tears
love
anger
Darek...
6am practices
14 hour Joseph days
cold stone
trips
your mom jokes
bus rides
you ordered it
you talk to the grossest things... and Tim!
the moo mixer.. to mix her chocolate moo
smooooottthhhhiiieee!!!!!!!!!!
16!!!!
OLIVES!!!!
Petunia bell
doodle heads
chickens of the sea
Egan's gallon of milk...just walking down the hall
it was Chelsea's birthday!
GAVIN!!??
singing to V. Waltz...
parties at Caitlin's house
HELLan...who took an hour to walk a mile!
Keith
distraction dances
cuddle piles
bus rides
lunch at the deli
Euro hang overs
photo shoots
6am practices
ALL of the excuses!!!
all of the your mom jokes...
peopoopoopope
KeviM
woolie
turkeys
Ralph the dancing pirate in bunny boots
dancing penguins
lists
nutilla
blood
Shlina Pants
our days in the smelly mat room
the Bakers
air hockey
pool
H2Oasis
late nights of gossip
basket ball games
corn fritters
so much singing!!
the songs...
all of the songs...
the make up
the costumes
the stress
the first time talking to people
not liking ANY of the new people :P
loving them all later
the garage sales
Saturday night fever
Vday Balls
February shows
achy balls
"shake yo bootay!"
shwank!
spankies!
Fairbanks summer arts festivals
last minute shows
routines made in a day
dancing with the Fairbanks stars
TAN BRAS!!!
WATER BRA!! HAHA!!
finally... EVERY YEAR!!!
our heroes... the class of 06
GO GO JOE!
Mandi's bandage falling off her tattoo magically b4 the show ;)
"I don't like men so good. They're pigs." -Brent Mills
Chris FOREVER owing Ms. Brown smoothies and push ups
"HEY BRANDON! WATCH THIS!!!" *smack!*
"OH MANDI! You came and you left... Before you graduated!" -David Leslie
Chrissss
MOON PIES!!! *YUM*
Cameron's eye browns...
Allyson giving me Cameron eyebrows
Allyson painting my eyebrows blue and pink
Lavina screaming at my eyebrows
Brandon as Elvis
Chris and Egan competing for who jumps highest
Truth or dare in the girl's dressing room
Using the guy's dressing room
OUR version of the Joseph dresses
quick changes
Chelsea saved a Chihuahua!
"I have a wedding... my feet hurt... my knee... I have a headache!"
the "Alex Smile"
Emily's dance dreams
"Misery loves company"
Picture with OBAMA!
Serious Hottie Pants!!!
Victoria secret bras!
Lavina fearing her life during Joseph choreography!(Everyone was pissed at her!)
RYAN!
...and the school lol
GREEN WALLS...
MIRRORS!!!
ties
sunglasses
sitting at the pick nick table for hours
that Elevator... then Kelly came out...
"Password?" "POOOOP!!!"
Phalange bones!
Melanie clapping the counts
Rumba walks
Marie Roberts
Brent Mills
Paul Winkelman
Manilow
Beating Chris with my belt
Brandon and Chris body rolling into each other
them STEALING me...
MY present from Brandon... (Chris' wallet)
Hustling at prom!
sitting at Fred Meyer
Lavina and Carley lost in north pole, convinced they were in a horror film!
the Horror stories written on bus rides
waiting for dance under the stairs... "Will's gay!"
The 5th year of a trees life is the party year!!
1...2...3...85!!!
so much caffeine...
ALL of my inside jokes with Mikey! "HIIIYA!!!"
everyone feeling sorry for me when we went swimming in Anchorage =P
Jessie's knee... knees... damn.
back when we hated Edie being a part of the team
talking with her in Anchorage when Ms. Brown was losing it!
"Where's your coat?" -Tim
"Where's you HAT?!" - Me ... OOPS! lol
WOOOOOOOO WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOOOO!!! AQUARIUM!!!!
cookie dough!!
spanking machine
ALL the couples!!
"I'm a cracker! A Stupid cracker!" -Michael
formal apology, "Sorry for skankin it up."
when PAUL says, "oh shit" you KNOW there's something wrong!
crying during senior recognition
Lavina, Emily and Carley comment trains of love

the past four years of our lives...
We're a family.

I'm sure I will update this as i think of more.. or.. steal more from Lavina.. lol
<3

Out Of Time

All last night I felt it. Loss. I’ve only ever felt this way losing people. But this feels the same. It’s coming in waves. At practice Lavina and I kept saying, “Remember that!” when cool things happened. Cherishing our last official practice. Derek sitting down and pushing the balance bean from behind us. Carley and Shaunessy being crazy. Me and Mikey dancing on the side to Hustle… Chris in the hustle costume! … I feel like I should have recorded it all. I know I never wasted a second… I want more time. I’m not done… All my life people and things leave me… Finally something stays in place and I’m forced to leave. I put everything into that team. Freshman year when I joined and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I finally felt accepted and loved in a group. Sophomore year when I met Christian during rumba choreography. Got kicked off for grades… But even then, I could come back. Junior year, pretty much all I remember about that year was dance. Competitions. Medley to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream-Coat. Utah… Anchorage trips… This whole years drama… I need the team. What else do I have? I lost my circle of friends for the most part. I depend on them for company. I use dance as my one constant in life. The thing I can for sure count on no matter what. I wasn’t sure I still had a functioning heart, until I felt it break as I drove away from the Ryan Parking lot.

Bitches, Hoes and Niggas... Nigga.

-Undeveloped Thoughts-

Woman... Orange... “fake”... Herb... Lenard.

The more tired I get the larger my hands look to me.

What’s the name for my phobia? I can’t find it but I know I’m not the only one who has it!! Kat’s totally a freak too!

Anafranil... Really? Who would be comfortable enough to try and get on a anti-depressant that has a side effect of orgasms? Or.. what kindda sick doctor would prescribe that?? Oy.. This world..

Am I like I am now because I’m not someone I would have liked then. Or am I me because I don’t like who I was. Does it count if I still don’t. Never did… Never mind. Nothing’s changed.

If I was never awake for evening and night I'd be a lot more content with my life. I'm rarely lonely during the day.

They all ran away together so no one would know they were still alive!
Tupac
Elvis
Anastasia
Jesse James
Hitler
Jesus Christ

Let Down

I'm so angry at you... I've NEVER been angry at you like this. I've been upset. I've been disappointed. I've been annoyed. I've been frustrated. But never actually mad at you. What am I supposed to DO with this?? You mean so much to me and I was so hopeful... You MADE me hopeful! Now you make me angry. You make me sad. There was a time when you made me so happy. You made me smile. You made me blush. You made me weak in the knees. And now... Now I'm at a loss. Now... now I'm confused. Where did it all go? It was ALL there. Then suddenly, *poof* gone. The magic disappearing trick of happiness. You're a magician. You're a performer. You're a ring leader and I'm the clown. I'm the entertainment. And don't try to fool me. You meant what you said.

My family is fucking retarded!

--My mother signed up for a class on improving memory.--
Me- "Hey mom, how'd your memory class go?"
Mother- "Oh my god... I forgot to go!"

--The famous argument.--
Mother- "Emily, bring home your English work today or I'm taking your phone."
Me- *brings home work.* *Hands it to mother.*
Mother- "Give me your phone right now."
Me- "Why? I brought home my assignment..."
Mother- "Don't argue with me!"
Me- "I'm not I'm just confused."
*BIG fight*

--I print off my grades and brought them home.--
Father- "So you're still flunking things."
Me- "No... I have 3 Ds, 2 Cs and an A."
Father- "but you're still failing half your classes."
Me- "No. D is passing."
Father- "I know that!"
Me- "So I'm not failing anything."
Father- "Yes you are don't argue with me!"

--I missed the bus like an idiot and wait for Aaron to get up.--
Me- "Hey Aaron, are you going to work?"
Aaron- "Yeah... but not for like 2 hours."
Me- "Can you give me a ride?"
Aaron- "Fuck! Then I'll be late!"
Me- "Well if you have 2 hours...."
Aaron- "Fine whatever! You're a pain in the ass."

Nevermind Me

Bottle up your smile.

Pour it in a cup.

I'll be on my way

... once I've sobered up.

Despair, among other things.

What a strange feeling... I don't want to be alive...
No... No that's not it. I don't want to be awake? ... But that implies I will wake up... I just don't want to be. I'm tired. I'm just overwhelmingly exhausted with life.
Putting the effort into fixing things I didn't mess up.
Forcing myself to feel more or less towards something when I just don't care.
Pretending it all really matters to me.
Being lonely.
Being emotionally abused by life... it must think it's funny..
Anymore I don't actually want specific things to get better. I just want to be done. It's not quite that i want to start over either. I don't. Why would I want to do it all AGAIN. I'm not smart enough to get it right the second time anyway. Probably not if I had a million chances. I know it will only get harder from here. I'm not weak exactly... I've fought through some intense things in this short life. I'm just sick of it. I just don't want to fight for anything else. What's worth fighting for anyway? What is supposed to be making all this worth it?
Love?
... It's love isn't it?
I can't feel it. This time last year I felt love for SO many of my friends. Over the summer I had a select few but I cared for all of them more than anything. Now... Now, I can't. It's so hard to explain I do love them... It's just a never ending battle to feel those connections. It hurts to feel hardly anything back. And I know it's not because people aren't trying to send me those messages... I just can't receive them. I can't manage to will myself into feeling. Even hurt is difficult to feel. It's so tiring I can't even explain properly. I'm just sick and tired of life. I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I just don't.

Lost Dream?

I had a dream last night that I don't think was mine. In the dream I was in a group of people who I knew. There was a tall girl with blonde hair and green eyes who I knew was my best friend. There was a guy there, that I knew I liked... Or had liked. We were all hanging out in someones house. It was a place I was familiar with. I've never seen myself in a dream but I saw me in a mirror and I wasn't myself. Well, not now anyway. I'm fairly certain that last night I had someone elses dream. The only problem with this idea is that the brain doesn't work like that. Does it? We all think of the mind as a self contained unit. The brain doesn't leak thoughts. It seems bizarre to imagine brain waves bouncing around the ionosphere just looking for a receiver for their electric messages. If that were true would people ever be able to finish a thought? Or even have a personality of their own? However, if you go back to the idea of thought simply being electrically powered particles holding information until it can be passed on somewhere else... why should they not get mixed up here and there. If things like the aurora can interfere with radio signals whats to say a radio signal or something of that sort can't interfere with thoughts? I wonder if there was an appearence of the northern lights last night... That seems to be the one way this would make sense. Brain waves surfing on synaptic junctions... Flowing around... and who knows, getting mixed up?

_-_-_-_-_-_

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Help?
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I don't know how to tell you...

... but I want you out of my life.

... but I miss you, and you think I hate you.

... I miss you, but I'm sick of fighting.

... but I'm scared of breaking your heart.

... I want to care about you too.

... but I'm jealous... and don't know why.

... but I won't miss you at all.

... but you mean a lot to me.

... but you'll never make things right.

Utopia

In Litish Britature we got an assignment to create a Utopia. In our group we explored the options and figured the only completely happy society would be run by virtual reality, death or drugs.

In a world run by virtual reality everyone would be hooked up to a computer and live their lives through virtual reality living however they want. We would have robots that harvested food and processed it for us. The robots would also clone people for us. No government would be necessary. No one would be lonely or have issues with other people because they could simply choose their world.

The other thought we had, death is rather simple. We just kill everyone. Let the world go with only animals and whatever other nature. All the humans are just dead.

Our last idea is drugs. We decided if we contaminate the water with systems with drugs people would have no choice but to be happy, and therefore no desire to change anything at all. We’ll create Super Prozac and Mega Ritalin.

Perspective

We all see things differently. Some people can look at a work of art and think, "Wow, that's horrible!" and the next person comes walking by and thinks, "Wow, That's beautiful."

I can say, "Alaska is horrible!" And that doesn't make Alaska horrible for everyone.

I can say, "Damn... That Juice Kid's hott!"(which he is...) But.. it doesn't mean Ashleigh, Caitlin or Allyson will agree.

It's all from where you're seeing it from. Some people see through filters and shadows... other people see through what they see as an open mind. However you see it it always boils down to it being YOU that sees it.

I've been realizing lately that I see things differently from inside my own mind... Mostly appearances. I rarely look at someone and get the sense that they're taller than me. I know.. sure I know how tall they are but standing next to them or speaking to them and I see eye to eye. I also rarely see myself as a certain body image. In my mind I slip into the body image of the person I'm talking to to better understand them. I don't see myself as an image. Mirrors are strange for me... I don't see me necessarily. I see the representation of me that's there every day. I can see what I look like but I don't really connect with it. And I'm certain that nearly every day I look in the mirror I think I see something different than what you might think you see...

Perspective is so confusing...

Finding Nemo

Wrote this a few weeks ago... It was either "delete" or "post" ... So here.

I HATE FINDING NEMO!!!
I don't know why even...
Never mind fuck that yes I do!
- I first saw it with my mother.
- We watched it in Marine Bio.
- Dory reminds me of me.
- It's NOT as good as everyone said it was! IT'S NOT!!!
IT'S A LIE!!!!!!!