Right or Left?

The problem, I've found, with successfully ignoring all your emotions for quite a while is the recovery. When they come back. It's terrifying. It's easier to act by logic and habit than by emotions. But it makes you cold and distant. Distant from yourself. You know it's wrong, but it is what it is. And then, your heart wakes up. And suddenly it hurts, and is excited, worried, hopeful, giddy, confused and completely unmanageable. Torn by the need to finally feel again in an attempt to be happy and the defence mechanism of pushing those emotions to the back burner where they belong. I'm good at pretending. It's come to be a defining piece of my personality. I'm currently at a crossroads of self management. And at a total loss of which way to go. I don't have a clue. I can't figure out what's best for me.
I don't want advice.

Let me tell you something

You hurt me. Every day. We both pretend, me out of courtesy, you out of fear. I miss you. I can help you. I need you. I love you. When asked who's the most important person in my life, I replied with your name. You are my number one. You were here for so long. You helped me like no one else could. You make my existence make sense. You're falling away from me... again. And I'm so scared to move in any direction. I'm losing you. I can feel it. And I'm not going to do anything about it.

Marriage

Is happening tomorrow. It'll be a great life.
He's amazing, and he loves me for me. What more can you ask for?

Rear View Mirror

Wrote this a little while ago...

Dear Keenan,
There's no way to put into words the way you've made me feel. And let's be honest, there never was. A part of me knows that I'm okay without you. A part of me knows I don't need you. But then there's this part that doesn't remember how to be without you. There's this part that simply was not ready to have myself torn from you. We did everything together. For a year. Over a year. We ate together, played together, laughed together and cried together. We breathed together. Our brains caught onto a similar frequency and we just went with it. Together. I don't need you to live. I don't need you to be happy. But that's what I want. More than anything right now in my life that is what I want. And for that, I need you. You've left me at this point where I don't know how to feel. confused by your mood changes and detached words and phrases. You asked me if I would take you back. And yes, I would. Because I don't feel this is the end. Whatever you decide, don't keep me waiting...

Good Morning Heartache

Good Morning Heartache
Billie Holiday

Good morning heartache, you old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache, thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you heve gone
But here you are with the dawn

Wish I forget you, but you're here to stay
It seems I met you when my love went away
Now everyday I stop I'm saying to you
"Good morning heartache, what's new?"

Stop haunting me now
Can't shake you nohow, just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight to Sunday blues

Good morning heartache, here we go again
Good morning heartache, you're the one who knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache, sit down

The Catalyst

The prospect of the upcoming winter is starting to make me very nervous. Every year I have something that gets me through. I can always keep myself occupied with work and goals. I can find people to hang out with and funny movies to watch and little adventures to go on. But I need something else. I need that little driving force that pushes me on. A little reminder to keep moving when my body and mind slow down and sink into the seeming never-ending Alaskan winter. Freshman year of high school it was all my new and amazing friends. Sophmore year it was a select few amazing friends, plus a boy, and dance. Junior year it was dance. Senior year it was dance. Last year it was Keenan.

This year... I'm scared. Which is odd for me. I'm not one to admit these fears. But here they are. So plainly set out in from of me. I don't want to be one of those girls that needs a guy. I'm not one of those girls. But anyone knows, to much time alone in winter is dangerous here. And you cannot rely on friends to just always be there, available, or even willing to help. It's a nice thought, but unrealistic.

I want to do things this winter. I want to have fun despite the cold and dark. I want to play in the snow. Have those meaningful and memorable conversations over tea or coffee, looking out into our frozen world. Safe from it. And part of it. I want to wake up on Saturday morning and marvel at the beautiful blankets of sparkling  snow covering absolutely everything. I want to appreciate winter. I want to love it.

But without that drive... Winter is dark. I'm always tired because it's always bedtime. I wake up on a Saturday morning. Cold. I wake up and I'm still tired. I wake up, put in a movie, get some food and sit on the computer all day. I go to sleep wondering how to change my stagnant life. And slip off into my dreams with feelings of loneliness and fear. Work seems harder. Sadness seems sadder. And the light that makes it's way into the small window of opportunity just looks feeble and shy.

I'm sure I will find my something. Or hold onto a pre-existing something perhaps. But there are no promises being made. There are no high hopes. All I got is small ideas and wishes. I'm sure I will figure it out. I have to... But all the same,

I'm scared.

Compulsion

I was driving around Fairbanks. From Fairview Manor to the airport. From the airport to the University. From the University down Collage Road and around into downtown. For the first time in notable memory I hit every single green light. Every little happy, round, signal of accession. Why I was driving, I'm not sure. All I wanted to do was stop. All I wanted was one of those little lights to give me a break. Let me rest for a bit. Give me time to breath between my agitated breaths. But none of them permitted. It was as if they wanted me to keep driving. They wanted me to keep going... keep moving. It might make me crazy but a small part of me found myself wishing those inanimate and persistent glowing, emerald lights could hear me say, "Thank you."

Carefull

Your friends don't have to like you.
They don't have to forgive you.
They don't have to be there.

Carefull.

Restraint

I wish I could let myself expand who I am to people. I take on a very specific role in a person's life. And however much I want to expand I feel restricted to the place I feel I have to be.

To you I'm your emotional outlet. Wish we could just have fun...
To you I'm your verbal punching bag. Can't we have a nice conversation???
To you I'm a goofball. The silly one who always has something to say. Can you take me seriously???
To you I'm held at a distance. You've built a wall we both know I can see through. Wish you'd build me an invisible door...

Some people know how to just get to people. They know how to make people open up. Know how to appeal to their emotions. Know how to make them let their hair down. Know how to draw them closer. I need an invitation.

Stuck

Sometimes I just get scared. Where is my life going? I know I have plans. But plans rarely work. The only real way I get anything done is if I do things in the moment. Spontaneously. But that's not even my personality anymore. I don't feel comfortable making rash decisions. Also, I'm a procrastinator. A cautious procrastinator with little sense of direction.

Not really sure how to get anywhere...

Capricorn

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Technically, I am a Gemini. However, I am nothing like one. More than anything else I resemble a Capricorn. Actually, I pretty much fit the mold exactly. And I'm not just talking in the good ways.

On the bright side I am patient, loyal, ambitious, trustworthy, self-reliant, appreciative, dependable and have copious amounts of self control.

On the dark side I am an over-critical, over-cautious, greedy, boring prude with an exaggerated interest with material possessions.

I wish this blog was coming to some kind of point. But it's not. I guess the point is I renounce my Gemini birth right for boring life of Capricornism.

So much wasted time!

I spent hours last night laying awake in bed, writing blogs to post once I got internet to my computer. Blogs that really came from my heart. This kind of raw emotion like I haven't been able to muster in months. It felt amazing. And now... I If I had posted them I would be deleting them now.

Why won't I let myself show emotion?

Again

There will never be a day when your name doesn't cross my mind. I can't fall asleep without putting my mind to rest from the thought of you. I will never hear someone make me a promise without thinking of your broken ones. I will never think of the past without having to push through the gate of you. Every corner of this town. Every movie. Every resuaraunt. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. People say I'm strong, and I think of you. People say I'm boring, and I think of you. The scars on my hands and top of my writsts. You are so much of who I am. I am who I am despite you. I am me because of dealing with me, because of you. It doesn't bother me. I'm generally at peace with it. But forgive me for speaking of it, it's who I am.

Remember

The sheepish, embarassed smile you get when you know you've said something wrong.

The spark in your eyes when you're playing your music.

The happiness that radiates, because someone's there.

The look on your face when I kiss your cheek when you're asleep.

The random shit you say, the way I have to skip through your thoughts and points to keep up.

How much I hate making you feel bad.

Growing Up

There was a girl. A girl who knew who she was and what she stood for. A girl who had her own opinions and her own rules. A girl unlike any other. A girl who spoke her mind, whatever the cost. A girl who suffered through a fair amount. Mean boys, bad friends, random tragedies and unfair parents at times. She  was a girl who never stop being her. 

Until now.