Synchronization

The problem with all humans is we're not all robots. We don't all have the same programing. Free will and free thinking creates unpredictability. Unpredictability creates confusion. Confusion creates frustration. Frustration leads to all other kinds of addled emotions. Emotions make us unpredictable. It goes full circle and there's no way out. The worst thing about people and their emotions is their individuality. An emotion, felt by one person, uses the same name as a similar, yet possibly very different emotion felt by another person.

How are we supposed to properly communicate with one another when our words are so subjective and our emotions so ambiguous? It's all one giant muddled mess. And there's no fixing it. The best we can do is hope that whoever we decide to share our emotions with has a similar interpretation of the words we're trying to express. Or at least the two differing emotional constructions are in some way compatible.

As confounding as these differences are I cannot help but see it as the most beautiful piece of life. The variants of our species makes us interesting. The best parts of life come from exploring new people and deciphering their mental and emotional constructs. Some of our greatest problems with ourselves are also some of our greatest strengths. While the world would be quite a bit more simple if we were all robotic and emotionless, we would lose all the beauty in life. Although... if we were nothing but programs and metal... we wouldn't care much, would we?

... I'm talking myself in all kinds of directions here. I'll leave this post here. Point made.
Over and out.

Castle On The Beach

We all start from the same place. A primordial origin of potential in which all scores are even. We all begin at zero. Only then is it acceptable to be there. Only then can we succumb to our basic instincts. Only then can we feel free of expectations. Only then, when we have no capability to understand the beauty of it all.

We are expected to spend all of our days climbing to a higher place. We fight against every other force on earth pushing down on us. Gravity holds a stronger meaning the longer we live, bound to our earth by it. We struggle, first through living, then through dying, just to reach the high point. But nothing is permanent. Our foundations crumble and we all end just trying to fall as gently as possibly back to where we started.

It's easy to say you have no regrets. It's easy to feign happiness while wearing a mask of confidence. It seems effortless to simply say words such as, "trust," "faith," and "love." The value of these pronouncements weigh feebly against the true emotions behind the words. While the thought of helplessly watching while my world comes sinking back into the sea terrifies every fraction of my being, I think I can be okay. So long as I can stand close by, holding onto something real, something earned and truly bound to my heart, I will be content.

These thoughts may be premature, but nothing scares me as much as the thought of dying an incomplete person. And I believe there's no time too soon to begin, or finish piecing yourself together. Because you have no guarantee for tomorrow.

11/11/11 11:11 - My Wish

I made a wish for you. Because you will never know how much I really care about you. Because we've been through so much together. Because of all the late night conversations. Because of the ups. Because of the downs. Because I'm sorry for everything that's happened and I want you to be happy. Because you're one of the closest people to my heart. Because it seems like this is all I have left to give you. Because I can't offer you more. Because I'd do anything for you if I thought it was what you needed. Because you will always be one of my best friends. Because I love you.

I made a wish for you.

It's meant to be shared...

But always keep a piece for yourself.

Make It Happen

I think it's important to have personal goals. Ones not seen by or shared with the rest of the world. Ones that mean something to you and only you. It's easy to get caught up in wanting to please the ones you care about. It's easy to get worn down by the expectations of others. It's easy to get lost trying to impress then world. But step back and take a look at how important it is to impress yourself. The more you appreciate yourself and who you are the more content you will be, despite the views of others. So what if the outside world doesn't approve? So what if the outside world doesn't think you're good enough, smart enough, brave enough, pretty enough... They'll catch on. If you really want to change other people's views of you, you need to start with your own views. Do what it takes to be who you need to be.


"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie the Pooh

Remembering Me

I remember the girl back in high school. Who would say whatever was on her mind. Who used her emotions to relate to people. Who knew how to make people feel how she wanted them to. The girl who was an open book for whoever cared to read into her. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone within arms reach.

But today she's different. And how could you expect anyone to stay the same for that long? Change is good. But sometimes I'm scared I've gone too far. I feel I've grown into a healthy state of mind and sense of awareness. Possibly too aware? It's hard for me to get people to see me for who I am. I look timid. I look weak. I look passive and insecure. I know this. But I am not this. If you could only see just how much fighting I've done. If you had been there as I have you would know I'm just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything being a battle. Yes, I'm quite, but give me a good reason and I'll scream. Yes, I'm an introvert, but attack something I care about and expect altercation. Yes, I'm guarded, but if you're something special and you show me you're sincere, I'll let you into my heart.  I want to make people happy. I can't help that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately this often comes across as me being scared of being uncomfortable, and me being scared of getting hurt. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to feel degraded or desolate. No one wants that. However, those emotions, I can deal with. But can you? I guess I need to have a little more faith in people.

I pretty much had this exact same conversation a few days ago with someone... for some reason it's still on my mind. I guess when someone has a pretty good grasp on your personality any little slip seems like a bigger deal than it probably is. Either way, I suppose I'm on a journey to take a few bricks off the wall around my inhibitions.

<3

Just when I think it's all falling apart...
Just when I'm starting to wonder if this was a good idea...
Just when I'm starting to question your motives...
And just when I start to let myself slip away...

You pull me back in.

You make me feel more like a woman than any man ever has. You make me feel sexy and irresistible. You make me feel special. You make me feel intelligent and confident. You make me feel amazing.

And then you let me starve. Hunger for you, crave you.

You tease me.

---

And I love it.

Greed?

For Halloween my friends and I are dressing up to each personify one of the seven deadly sins. Most of the sins and the people representing them had to be shuffled around a bit until they either fit the right people or weren't offending anyone. There were two that were a unanimous vote from the very start. Mine was one of those, and I'm tasked with finding a costume that symbolizes greed.

There's been this ongoing joke for the past 5 years that I am the "Designated Jew" of the group. Even when all but one or two members of said group have changed I am still, The Jew. It kinda fits anyway because I'm a workaholic and am generally pretty good with money.

But... does budgeting myself and being a hard worker make me greedy? The definition of Greed  is, "A selfish and excessive desire for more of something than is needed." If I stand back and look at it, that's not me at all. There's not much I have an excessive amount of. My car is nice, but not great. I don't own a bunch of expensive jewelry. Half my clothes I buy at Value Village.

As far as my greed with money.. It's not so much greed that keeps me comfortable having two or three jobs, working as much overtime as I can and being aware of where exactly my money is going. It's fear. I'm scared to need something and not be able to attain it. Also for me work has always been a great way to get my mind off things. I feel accomplished and useful after a good days work. The money is nice obviously but there are other reasons I like working.

So when I stop and think about it, me being the obvious choice for Greed is pretty inaccurate. But, in the end I can't possibly actually be upset about because... Well, I AM The Jew ;)

Dear Life,

If you don't mind, I think I'll be happy now.

Hopefully yours,
Emily

Deluuuusional???

I keep waking up to terrifying hallucinations. It started shortly after I began taking this new sleeping pill my doctor thought was a good idea. I woke up, opened my eyes and I was covered in spiders. I freaked out, jumped up, brushed some of the hundreds of spiders off me, was looking at my spider-covered bed... And they disappeared. I figured a bad dream just carried on a little too long, and went back to sleep. About fifteen minutes later I woke up, opened my eyes and the spiders were back. This went on, every fifteen to twenty minutes for the rest of the night.

A few weeks ago I was parked at Alaska Land, wasting time before I had to go to work. I dozed off. When my "get to work" alarm went off on my phone I opened my eyes, looked out my window and a foot tall spider was standing on the hood of my car, I spent a good five to ten seconds freaking out and then it was gone.

Yesterday when I woke up I turned over, looked at the other side of the bed, where my laptop was sitting and saw a spider with ridiculously long legs climb into my keyboard. I jumped up, ran my computer down to my garage, set it down and went back to bed. When I woke up again I realized how unlikely it was that a spider that size could even fit into my keyboard.

This is freaking me out and making me feel a bit crazy. It's not the first time something like this has happened either. Last winter I was sure I was being haunted. A few very horrifying events had me questioning between insanity or the paranormal. I'm really hoping this just goes away. and soon.

The Aimless

Someone who cares about me in that way.

Someone who loves me.

Someone who wants to take care of me.

... ... ...

What would I do with that anyway?

I don't care how cheesy this is.

We never thought we'd become so close. We didn't even really try to be friends. We both needed someone to motivate the other to go to the gym. One Sunday morning we decided to give it a try. A few weeks later we began getting food after the gym. After that we decided to hang out and continue the conversations we had started at Planet Fitness or over Thai food. Soon enough she was the friend I told everything to. The friend I could sit chatting with for hours at a time. Out of nowhere I had found me a great additive to my circle of best friends. And over the summer, Laci grew closer to me than anyone else. And she's gone now... And I miss her terribly.

We could have the best time doing the stupidest shit.

Everything was funnier and stranger.

And then that crazy little friend of mine left. 

I am so happy for you Laci. So glad you found a good man and got out of this horrible state. I'm so inspired by your courage, strength and ability to love. But damn, I miss you so much. Don't forget how much you mean to me and how grateful I am that we became friends! Love you always <3

A List

Things there aren't enough of:

Zebras Good long nights of sleep Ventriloquists Heroes Cashiers at Fred Meyers Radio stations that only play my favorite song on repeat forever Rainy days in Alaska Beaches in Alaska Coupons Compliments Sweet dreams Roller coasters Women leaders Fuel efficient vehicles Happy marriages Collage scholarships Reggae bands Non permanent hair dye colors Bubbles... ever Good old fashioned Disney movies Colors of eyes Flying cars Cheering crowds Healthy things that taste good Leopards Dragons Dr. Seuss Books Really old (but clean [duh]) Tupperware Chips with the perfect amount of cheese on them in your plate of nachos Real-bearded Santas Freckles Flavors of jell-o Good paying and easy jobs Tea... In my cup. Right now Redheads Acceptance letters to Hogwarts Seasons of "Fame" Seasons of love Hours in a day Really, really tall people Time machines Costume Parties

Delirium

 

"When love is not madness, it is not love."

-Pedro Calderon de la Barca

This Drug

You are pathologically insane. You let yourself become erratic and emptied your heart and mind waiting for something external to come take up the space. You were tired and lost and they found you at just the right moment. Offering you a place to rest and a flood of thoughts and ideas you can fill the empty spaces with.

It's a brilliant plan. Because getting someone lost on what they believe is their yellow brick road to happiness isn't something anyone else can fight. I want you to see how lost you are in yourself but dammit, if I say anything I instantly become the bad guy.

And no, I refuse to join in on this manic journey to a seemingly peaceful state of delusion. This epic fabrication has done nothing but harm the ones I love. It's taken more people from me than I care to admit. I hate losing someone I love so dearly but there are some things, even if worth fighting for, are best left alone.

(I am well aware that I may be wrong about this. But this is how I feel and what I believe with every fiber of my being.)