Nice Guys

I'm tired of guys always complaining about how girls date jerks and "nice guys finish last," and all that other bull. Let me lay it down for ya guys.

The Asshole Guy go to a party determined to hook up. He doesn't care who with. He honestly doesn't care if one girl turns him down. He doesn't care if five girls turn him down. He's totally prepared to move on to the next set of walking boobs. This guy, at most, is looking for a steady lay. He has zero interest in taking you out for a walk under the stars, ending with hot chocolate and a sweet kiss goodnight. Most likely he's just looking for some ass. The Asshole Guy has nothing to lose. He's only going to gain, however many girls he has to hit on before achieving this goal. Because he doesn't care about you, he can't get hurt by you. So he'll continue asking and asking until someone says yes, and that's good enough for him.

The Nice Guy isn't going to approach a girl he likes, get turned down, brush it off and move on to the next possible candidate that same minute. Nice Guy wants to make a connection, Nice Guy wants to share his feelings. But shared feelings lead to pain. Nice Guy knows this and is scared to approach a woman he shows real interest in because she has the ability to hurt him. So Nice Guy sits back, wishing he had the confidence to ask that pretty lady at the bar if he can buy her a drink, and watching as all the Assholes achieve his goals for him.

It's not that nice guys finish last. It's not that girls want to date douche-bag bros... It's that they're the only ones asking.

Also people wonder why nice guys date skanky hoes. Well Skanky Hoe is much like Asshole Guy. She's got nothing to lose, so she's the one walking up to Mr. Nice Guy. Any guy, really. And Nice Guy is just pleased to get the attention, and goes for it.

So there you have it. Granted many Nice Guy and Nice Girl couples do get together. But this whole messed up system of self consciousness and fear is really just making this crazy little thing called love a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

Walmart

When I applied to work at Walmart I was truly desperate for a job. I had applied to every bank in town. (I really wanted to be a teller.) Walmart was my, "well why the hell not" idea, before I resorted back to cafe work. The only place to call me back was Walmart. I got hired to work nights as a stocker. I can remember sitting around at home saying, "I don't want to work at fucking Walmart," the whole day before my first night, truly dreading what was coming. My feelings turned out to be both totally justified and completely incorrect.

I hate that I work at Walmart. The pay is pretty good for what I do and surprisingly I really enjoy the night shift gig. However I hate seeing people I know shopping while I'm working. I hate telling people what I do. I hate the social stigma that accompanies my source of income. Also, I hate the drama of the place. Honestly it's like being back in high school. There's cliques and rumors and this really weird hierarchy among the employees. Everyone is always talking crap behind their "friends" backs. Everyone dates each other. Honestly, I hate it. I don't want to be connected to most of those people. Some of them I dislike with such a passion I haven't known since I was like 16. The managers are all insane and no one can seem to just leave me alone to do my work. Everyone thinks they know more than everyone else and it feels like everyone has something to prove. All my usual daily complaints are completely different then what I was expecting them to be.

On the other side of things, some great stuff has come from my time there. Soon after I started work I began hanging out with some of my coworkers. It felt nice to be invited places with people I was just getting to know. They wanted me around, and I was flattered. I become close with one of the girls I worked along side with and that friendship just gets more interesting. I found a whole new party crew to drink and have fun with. That all doesn't happen as much as it used to but I've really enjoyed being a part of it. About a month after being there I was approached by someone I instantly knew belonged in my life. Being with Arthur may have gotten me "kicked out" of my original "new group" of "friends," but my relationship with him has made me cherish every turn in my life I was either forced to make or chose to make that lead me to the seemingly desperate moment filling out a Walmart employee application. Looking back at almost all my favorite memories from this past winter I realize none of them would have happened without that application.

Moral of the story?

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Good things come to those who wait.

"God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." ?

One of those silly cliches.

And just so everyone knows, I am properly ashamed that I just wrote a blog post about Walmart.

"Identity Crisis" Clarification

I've heard a few peoples comment on my "Identity Crisis" post. Someone was disagreeing and saying, yes people can change. Someone else said it was a sad post because I said people cannot change. I think my point was missed. People can change. My point however was that the change is coming from a piece of the person that has always been there. People choose to highlight certain points of their personality or come to realize there is a stronger emotion or opinion within them worth building upon, and that's where I believe change comes from. Also I think everything you've ever felt, done or experienced becomes a part of who you are from that moment on. Yes, you can take it however you want, and you can change the placement of said thing to another area of your heart, but it's always there. Clarification success?

And to answer your question Timmy, I paid every cent for those $5 words. That post took me about 6 hours.

Hello?

Out of curiosity, does ANYONE read this blog anymore? I haven't gotten a comment in forever. If you read this would you mind leaving a quick comment? Just so I know if I'm rambling to myself or not. Thanks.

Identity Crisis

"I don't care about the past, I believe in the power to reinvent yourself." - Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) in Season One of Smallville.

This is one of my favorite quotes. Such strong belief in the dominance over his own own identity is initially inspiring. I look back at pictures of me in high school, or even just last year and there's a part of me that feels very detached from the girl I see. Who was she? Who is she now? Time disregarded, how much metaphysical space can be created between a previous and current individual? To what depth is this change capable of achieving? I love knowing people can, and often do, adjust their actions and disposition to become better versions of themselves. However the longer I think about this purported reformation the less I find myself having any faith in it at all. One might question, if after a considerable magnitude of development, how they can be held to the same identity as before. Is it possible for a being to undergo enough characteristic modification to become another person entirely? Is the reformed sinner truly a new man? Or has he merely been brought back to an innate setting, balancing out a natural assemblage of good and evil? To me, the practicability to an absolute recreation of the core components of personality seems impossible. I believe there are key points forming an identity that belong to a set of some irremovable primordial cluster of traits. These inborn attributes are brought to the forefront of complexion by varying factors and experiences. Whether the evolution of self is progressing in a positive or negative direction I think the action manifests by a brightened spark that can neither be added nor removed from within the individual. Is it possible for someone to reinvent himself, such as my favored quotes sates? No, I don't think so. Sorry Smallville, not this time.

Yes. Exactly.

I've tried to put this subject into my own words countless times. But discussing religion is a tricky thing. But basically this video says it all. Here goes...

"You'll get by without me if you want."

I over think most things. Those who are close to me know this. I'm scared of hurting people. I'm scared of getting hurt. But honestly, playing it safe all the time is working against me. I spend so much of my life in fear. I'm constantly worried about what other people are thinking, or how they will react to something I do, say, or feel. I'm sick of it. I didn't used to be this way. It's just so difficult to do something again, that's hurt so terribly in the past. But dammit... I'm tired of hiding how I feel. I'm tired of being scared. I'm not doing it anymore. If you can't handle how I feel, or the way I act, I don't need you. If I feel more strongly than you do, so what? I'm an emotional and passionate person. Fucking deal with it.

Directions

I can see very specific paths set out in front of me right now. There are three ways I can see my life going from here, all in the short term. There's one I definitely do not want. I know this for a fact and I refuse to let it become my future. However there are two more I want to pursue. I want two different things from life right now. And I'm trying desperately to figure out a way to combine them. It would take some cooperation, some sacrifice and some very stable common ground. It is possible, I can see that. But I don't want to be presumptuous. I don't want to rush life. I don't want to force anything. However, If it's what I want, why not just take it? There are just some things I will not live without.

"It's all fun and games..."

"It's more scared of you than you are of it."
So that's why it's going to hurt me?

"Survival of the fittest."

Kill or be killed, right?

"All's fair in love and war."

So what's the difference?

*sigh*
I don't much like these games.

Synchronization

The problem with all humans is we're not all robots. We don't all have the same programing. Free will and free thinking creates unpredictability. Unpredictability creates confusion. Confusion creates frustration. Frustration leads to all other kinds of addled emotions. Emotions make us unpredictable. It goes full circle and there's no way out. The worst thing about people and their emotions is their individuality. An emotion, felt by one person, uses the same name as a similar, yet possibly very different emotion felt by another person.

How are we supposed to properly communicate with one another when our words are so subjective and our emotions so ambiguous? It's all one giant muddled mess. And there's no fixing it. The best we can do is hope that whoever we decide to share our emotions with has a similar interpretation of the words we're trying to express. Or at least the two differing emotional constructions are in some way compatible.

As confounding as these differences are I cannot help but see it as the most beautiful piece of life. The variants of our species makes us interesting. The best parts of life come from exploring new people and deciphering their mental and emotional constructs. Some of our greatest problems with ourselves are also some of our greatest strengths. While the world would be quite a bit more simple if we were all robotic and emotionless, we would lose all the beauty in life. Although... if we were nothing but programs and metal... we wouldn't care much, would we?

... I'm talking myself in all kinds of directions here. I'll leave this post here. Point made.
Over and out.

Castle On The Beach

We all start from the same place. A primordial origin of potential in which all scores are even. We all begin at zero. Only then is it acceptable to be there. Only then can we succumb to our basic instincts. Only then can we feel free of expectations. Only then, when we have no capability to understand the beauty of it all.

We are expected to spend all of our days climbing to a higher place. We fight against every other force on earth pushing down on us. Gravity holds a stronger meaning the longer we live, bound to our earth by it. We struggle, first through living, then through dying, just to reach the high point. But nothing is permanent. Our foundations crumble and we all end just trying to fall as gently as possibly back to where we started.

It's easy to say you have no regrets. It's easy to feign happiness while wearing a mask of confidence. It seems effortless to simply say words such as, "trust," "faith," and "love." The value of these pronouncements weigh feebly against the true emotions behind the words. While the thought of helplessly watching while my world comes sinking back into the sea terrifies every fraction of my being, I think I can be okay. So long as I can stand close by, holding onto something real, something earned and truly bound to my heart, I will be content.

These thoughts may be premature, but nothing scares me as much as the thought of dying an incomplete person. And I believe there's no time too soon to begin, or finish piecing yourself together. Because you have no guarantee for tomorrow.

11/11/11 11:11 - My Wish

I made a wish for you. Because you will never know how much I really care about you. Because we've been through so much together. Because of all the late night conversations. Because of the ups. Because of the downs. Because I'm sorry for everything that's happened and I want you to be happy. Because you're one of the closest people to my heart. Because it seems like this is all I have left to give you. Because I can't offer you more. Because I'd do anything for you if I thought it was what you needed. Because you will always be one of my best friends. Because I love you.

I made a wish for you.

It's meant to be shared...

But always keep a piece for yourself.

Make It Happen

I think it's important to have personal goals. Ones not seen by or shared with the rest of the world. Ones that mean something to you and only you. It's easy to get caught up in wanting to please the ones you care about. It's easy to get worn down by the expectations of others. It's easy to get lost trying to impress then world. But step back and take a look at how important it is to impress yourself. The more you appreciate yourself and who you are the more content you will be, despite the views of others. So what if the outside world doesn't approve? So what if the outside world doesn't think you're good enough, smart enough, brave enough, pretty enough... They'll catch on. If you really want to change other people's views of you, you need to start with your own views. Do what it takes to be who you need to be.


"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie the Pooh

Remembering Me

I remember the girl back in high school. Who would say whatever was on her mind. Who used her emotions to relate to people. Who knew how to make people feel how she wanted them to. The girl who was an open book for whoever cared to read into her. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone within arms reach.

But today she's different. And how could you expect anyone to stay the same for that long? Change is good. But sometimes I'm scared I've gone too far. I feel I've grown into a healthy state of mind and sense of awareness. Possibly too aware? It's hard for me to get people to see me for who I am. I look timid. I look weak. I look passive and insecure. I know this. But I am not this. If you could only see just how much fighting I've done. If you had been there as I have you would know I'm just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything being a battle. Yes, I'm quite, but give me a good reason and I'll scream. Yes, I'm an introvert, but attack something I care about and expect altercation. Yes, I'm guarded, but if you're something special and you show me you're sincere, I'll let you into my heart.  I want to make people happy. I can't help that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately this often comes across as me being scared of being uncomfortable, and me being scared of getting hurt. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to feel degraded or desolate. No one wants that. However, those emotions, I can deal with. But can you? I guess I need to have a little more faith in people.

I pretty much had this exact same conversation a few days ago with someone... for some reason it's still on my mind. I guess when someone has a pretty good grasp on your personality any little slip seems like a bigger deal than it probably is. Either way, I suppose I'm on a journey to take a few bricks off the wall around my inhibitions.

<3