The thing is, you and I should have stopped being friends years ago. Probably about four years into our friendship it stopped being healthy. We would stay in contact, pretty much so we could tell each other how to run our lives. We'd be the "shoulder to cry on" because we wanted to feel needed. Slowly everything good we were for one another faded. And we ended up doing more harm than we'd ever thought possible.
Some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever. Some people have lives that intertwine for a brief moment, and then move on. Trying to hold onto these connections when it hurts more than it helps is silly. And I hope you see that's why I let go. I gave you everything I could. And honestly after seven years of friendship, I have nothing left to give and you have nothing to give back. We used to be best friends, but now, we don't know each other at all. The best thing we can be for each other now is a fond memory. And while I do miss you, and wish I had made more of the time I had as your friend, I've said goodbye.
Love, Emily
We spend so much of our lives not saying the things we want to say, and the things we should say we do so often in code. I have tried to not have regrets with our friendship and I have only a few. The good times out weight the bad for me and I admit I have not always been there for you when you needed me. Nor was I always great a being there for you when I was there. Many times, I just did not know what to do or to say so I elected to be the silent listener. I have never solely seen myself as a white knight for Emily. I have always just wanted to be the boy that walks somewhere near her no matter where she travels or whom with in life.
ReplyDeleteAlthough throughout our friendship it seems that we stood together, only to benefit and to help you or me, it all comes down to. I am scared to not have you in my life. I am not asking that you be there always, that would be too much to ask at this point but when I do call or when you call I would love to be able to call/answer as an old friend does and talk about how life has changed and where we hope life will be. A part of me wants to be told about how your children are being on any given day, how the anniversary gift your husband gives you is the best thing ever, and how good it is to hear our voices after such a long time. There is a part of me that feels I will be and have been alone for a long time now sense your departure. Is there hope that even with goodbyes there can be "hello, how are you my old friend"
also the fact that you posted this blog 13 days ago and I just text you last night for time sense June tells me that we still think about each other and even sometime at the same times.
Let me elaborate on why is scares me to lose you.
As you know, I am very driven to accomplish things in my life. certified welder by age 15, graduate high school with honors, join Air force, race stock cars on dirt track, be known as a good mechanic or hands on guy, graduate with a degree in engineering from Palmer, travel the US and make many new memories. Soon graduate college with 3 degrees Psychology, criminal justice, and Media Arts. When I meet people they say "is there anything you haven’t done or do not have"
YES, there are many. I do not have a place I call home, I do not have friends I grew up with throughout grade school and farther, I never played sports with friends and built that bond with. I do not have a lot of things normal people do have, that they take for granted... Emily you are all that to me. You are the one person I have always viewed and seen as my anchor. You are home to me. The one person that I have always called a friend. You are the only person I really remember about high school, I know poo sticks may not be a sport to any other person in the world but it was to me! That day was one of the best days of my life. The rain only added to the beauty.
I know all this seems selfish, but I am not willing to say goodbye. I am taking this very serious because you mean so very much more to me than just a friend I happened to make in school.
Can goodbyes sometimes mean hello, how are you my old friend?