Game Over

I'm having a REALLY hard time not posting about how hurtful you're being.
I'm having a really hard time not posting about how it makes absolutely no sense.
I'm having a really hard time understanding how your brain could possibly be working right now.
I'm having a really hard time staying angry at you.
I'm having a really hard time understanding how I deserve to be used as your punching bag.
I'm having a really hard time letting it all go.

But if that's what you want, I can try. Six years of friendship isn't something I want to lose over literally nothing. But if that's what you've decided to do, okay. I'm getting really good at goodbyes. Just know I'm not mad at you, I didn't do anything to betray your trust and you've broken my heart. And no, I don't expect you to care about any of that. You've made it clear that you're not going to. I just thought I'd give you some of the honesty you've kept from me. I don't want to play these games anymore. So fine, you win.

Finished

Surrounded in my bubbly, warm happy place, I expected to feel more comforted. I haven't had the accommodations to relax and take a bubble bath in nearly a year. This is where I always went when I felt negative emotions. Sadness, stress, frustration. Somehow now it is not the same. I have enough bubbles. I have my book, my wine, a friend to text and confide in. But here I am, lifting my leg up, watching the small avalanche of bubbles slowly make it's way back into the water. Submerging my face, concentrating on exhaling; a steady flow of evenly sized bubbles. This used to calm me down. But now, in this soggy, wet atmosphere, I'm not sure where condensation ends and tears begin.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Location:W Sophia St,Carson City,United States

A Good Day

I just had a really pleasant day I would like to document. Woke up feeling well rested. I didn't have a headache for the first time in a few weeks. Which was admittedly only because I had this super mysterious dream where I had a headache. I woke up from the dream at 4:00am and had a headache. So I took an Advil and went back to sleep; securing a comfortable morning for myself 3 hours later.

After waking up feeling quite well I went to get ice on the way to my job at the church. The gas station I always stop at never has ice ready. They advertise it but it's never there. They have to go to the back and waste their and my time and bag it up during their early morning rush. It might be cruel of me but I've kept going there just waiting for the day they wise up and bag some ice before it gets busy, before Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning. At the exact same time. Today, they caught on.

So I got my ice in time and therefore got to work on time and had a really good time making coffee and talking with my co workers. I went home after work at cleaned the apartment. Listening to music and dancing like a fool. Home alone, and having fun. Arthur got home, we relaxed together for a bit. After a while we did the last of the cleaning just in time to invite some friends into our home. I haven't had that many people in my home since last summer so I was a little bit nervous but things worked out well. We spent a really fun few hours playing board games with Josh, Tyler, Alisha and Katie. Four people I did not know this time last year. A nice reminder that there will always be new people to meet and new friends to make. I just wanted to post a little reminder to myself that even though there are a lot of stressful days. Some days are a lot of fun. Even when nothing particularly interesting happens. Life is good. =)

Live and Let Live

I keep wanting to write a post about this thing on my mind. This weird way everyone seems to be thinking and feeling that I am just not getting. But every time I try, I end sounding ambivalent. Which I am not. I can't find a way to express this situation. It's driving me a little bit crazy.

Dirty Little Secrets

I'm hoping to blur the lines a little bit between my two blogs. I have this one, in which I'm very filtered. An awful lot of this blog is me, trying to convince myself of something. I have a second blog; a very raw and honest place. A completely private place. I think I should start opening up to the world a little more. I know it's just a little blog that hardly anyone reads, but it's a start.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Another Lesson In Letting Go

It seems like I've spent most of my life trying to strengthen my relationships with the people I care about. I love having friends. Who doesn't? I love feeling love for someone else. I love being loved. I get jealous very easily. I feel left out constantly. I very often see myself standing on the outside looking in, hoping I'll make it to the center one day.

The problem is I also love being alone. I love being alone with my thoughts. I love to sit for hours writing, drawing, cooking, watching movies, or just jammin' around on the Internet.  I love driving around by myself listening to music, singing. I don't sing around other people. Not the way I do alone.

I'm also very busy. I work full time, go to school part time, and maintain a relationship with my boyfriend. I don't have as much time to spend with friends as other people do. If I didn't live with Arthur I probably would hardly ever see him. My friends like to hang out late at night. I work early in the morning, six days a week. I don't mind being tired, but if I don't sleep I get sick. I guess that's what I get for getting older. Anyway, being busy and needing to sleep leaves me with very little free time. I have to kind of choose between moments of solitude, and moments with friends.

I think I'd be less upset if I accepted that the people who have more free time and time together are going to be closer than I can ever be to them. I enjoy my limited time with them but I think it's time I let go of needing to be a "best friend." I don't need to be anyones favorite. I'm not a best friend. I'm a loner, with friends. Friends I love deeply. Friends who can hang out all the time with each other. I may be on the outside looking in, and that's okay. It's pretty nice out here too. =)

The Strangest Friend

Does it make sense to desire wanting something you know is bad for you? Even with the countless warnings and studies and books and blah blah blah... When it's the only thing that makes you feel complete... When it's the only thing that makes you feel in control... The only thing that makes you feel... But it's hard to even want it. It's hard to commit. But you know, if you try, it'll stick. And for a couple weeks (at best) you will stop feeling so lonely. I'm not sure if the word, "addiction" fits. I guess you can be addicted to anything. Even sickness.

Robot Ramblings

It's been a long time since I had one of those conversations. One of those reassuring, bonding, connecting conversations. Sitting at a coffee shop with a friend. A late night phone call. It's been a long time since I felt like anyones best friend. It's been a long time since I last gave it any real thought. I haven't felt sad in a while. I haven't felt sad in months. Maybe it's the dark. Maybe I'm just tired. For whatever reason, I'm feeling it now. It's nice to feel human again.

Goodbye

The thing is, you and I should have stopped being friends years ago. Probably about four years into our friendship it stopped being healthy. We would stay in contact, pretty much so we could tell each other how to run our lives. We'd be the "shoulder to cry on" because we wanted to feel needed. Slowly everything good we were for one another faded. And we ended up doing more harm than we'd ever thought possible.

Some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever. Some people have lives that intertwine for a brief moment, and then move on. Trying to hold onto these connections when it hurts more than it helps is silly. And I hope you see that's why I let go. I gave you everything I could. And honestly after seven years of friendship, I have nothing left to give and you have nothing to give back. We used to be best friends, but now, we don't know each other at all. The best thing we can be for each other now is a fond memory. And while I do miss you, and wish I had made more of the time I had as your friend, I've said goodbye.

 

Love, Emily

Confused =/

When you truly believe that you've lost someone that means the world to you, it's very hard to convince yourself that you've got them back. And maybe even if they are back, how are you supposed to feel confident that that person will stay in your life?
It is possible. I know it is.
But building that faith back up is hard. I guess when something happens so repeatedly to you one of two things comes of it.

You get used to it.

or

You become hyper-sensitive to the situation.

Neither is good and I probably don't need to explain which of these conclusions I've fallen into.
My point is I'm confused. I'm happy and in love. Also hurt and feeling lost. For some reason I don't feel I can ask for help on this one either. I'm afraid it would do more harm than good. Anyway, I've explained how I felt a number of times. If you're saying how you feel, stating a problem, being honest and blunt and people still don't grasp the seriousness of the situation.... What's left to do?

This isn't meant to impress anyone. Sorry I haven't written anything very good in a while. I just needed to get some thoughts out.

Sometimes I freak out.
I obsess over stuff that isn't real.
Sometimes I get jealous for no reason.
I come up with scenarios and psych myself out.
Sometimes I think people are thinking something they aren't.
I'm probably wasting time and energy to things that only exist in my head.

But what if this one time, there's actually a problem?

That Moment

That terrifying moment when you wake up from a dream in which you die...

That comforting moment when you remember there's someone there to console you...

That sad moment when you realize you were wrong...

That confusing moment when you wonder if you're still in a nightmare...

That desperate moment when you run outside and cry on the ground...

That frustrating moment when your hands shake too much to text, so you have to call... even though it's 3:00am.

That hysterical moment when your voice shakes too much to talk...

That awkward moment when you realize there's been a misunderstanding...

That relieving moment when you've been brought back form the "beyond tears" stage...

That long moment when you wonder how a person can still live through feeling this way...

That depressing moment when you cuddle a sweater... because that's all you have...

That uncomfortable moment when you don't know if you'll ever be the same again...

I could have gone the rest of my life without this sequence of moments.

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

"The past is a candle at great distance: too close to let you quit, too far to comfort you.”

- Amy Bloom

I stumbled across this picture today. My kindergarten class. A Facebook friend uploaded it a few years ago. That's me, second from the right on the top row. Can't see too well from this picture but I looked like a boy. Short hair, because I liked to play with scissors. I was the tallest one in the class. And everybody loved me. I always say that kindergarten was my best year. It's when the most people liked me. My classmates used to fight over who got to play with me on recess. I was a cool kid. Always happy, energetic and creative. I'm still friends with some of those kids. Sam, Laura, Avi, Allyson. I have a few more on my Facebook. Some I only remember from this class. Some I don't remember at all. And as far as I know only one is no longer with us. (RIP Riley.) I remember the smallest things from this class. The clean up song, the playground, the sink (don't know why), The rug we all used to sit on fro story time...

Nostalgia don't see like a strong enough word. I wish I had known then how beautiful those days were. I was rarely unhappy. Life was fun and simple. I wish I had known how fondly I would look back on it. But, how can a 6 year old know these things? How do you know what you'll miss? What you'll look back fondly on...

I miss kindergarten, it was just before people started making fun on me. Before I became a "dork." I don't miss the rest of elementary school, people were mean to me. I miss middle school. I started having friends again, and started feeling like a real person. I miss freshman year of high school. Grades were good, dance, band, friends... Life was fun. I don't miss the rest of high school. I don't miss the year after high school, living at "The Heezy," wasting oxygen. I miss last year sometimes, things were hard but I had the best friends I've ever had. This past year... Who knows? I think I'm still too close to it to know. And right now... I wonder if I'll miss these days. I guess it depends on where life goes from here. You miss the times that were better than the times that fallow... So in a way, I kind of hope I don't miss this. I don't want to miss my job, because I want a better one. I don't want to miss my boyfriend, because I'd like to keep him. I don't want to miss this apartment, because I don't want to make another step down.

I guess it all comes down to living in the moment. Why miss anything if you're making the most of what you have now? Why wish for a time machine when you're exactly where you want to be? And why not be where you want to be? There's no reason for that.

Amour

Me: "You really are a conflict seeker."

Arthur: "No you're a hippopotamus."

Me: "And you don't listen to a word I say."

Arthur: "Thank you, I've been going to the gym lately."

Woops

Ever have one of those moments when you've realized you've made a drastic step backwards in the development of your emotional, physical, or spiritual advancement?

Yeah... It sucks. However with that realization you can pick yourself up and jump back on the right track. It's easier getting on the right track once you've been there before.

So thank you Me for that insight. I needed that.