The Quote Book

My old group of friends used to have the craziest, silliest and stupidest nights ever. We wrote a bunch of quotes from those nights down in a little notebook I just found. I need to declutter my bookslef so I decided to just make a document of those quotes here.

Reading through these I honestly don't know where half of them came from. But I also remember that that group of friends was the best group of friends I have ever and will ever be a part of. Yes, other(and some of the same) great friends exist in my world, and I'm sure more are to come. But that group was a family. Or so we thought. Never in my life had my heart been filled with so much love for so many different beautiful people. And nothing and no one will ever be able to erase it from my memory.

Now, I'm done with the sentimental rambling.
Here are The Quotes!

"Lavina is a peaceful warrior. She wouldn't understand your Blood Tribe ways." -Timmy

"Who's my perfect match again?" -Hannah
"Santa Clause." -Will

"No pagan God can save THIS!" -Timmy

"Bitch be mocking me!" -Timmy

"I say we behead the sea cow." -Timmy

"Fucking Timmy..." -Everyone

"I don't turn my back on my sea cows." -Timmy

"He would have bled. But he would have slept!" -David

"That's a G.... That's a G... That's a G.... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE A 9!!?" -David
 
"You were a cartoon duck!" -Lavina

"You need to... I forget." - Emily

"Woah, look at his face!" -Timmy
"It's creepin' me out!" -Lavina

"It's like... It's like... a demon sheep goat!" -David

"That's stupid."-Emily
"That's logic." -Timmy
"Same thing!" -Emily

"You can't just be a monkey and not expect to get murdered." -Emily

"Speaking of pockets, did you ever find that onion?" -Emily

"Dammit! I forgot my name again!" -Hannah

"Aww Shit, that's some pissed off laundry!" -David

"I wasn't blind. I just couldn't see." -Emily

"Who would want their last words to be, 'Now I'm pissed... Oops?!'" -Lavina

"You don't even know what you're talking about. They don't have cereal at taco bell." -Emily

"I don't think you want to smell this movie..." -Unknown?

"Did you just call David a winner?" -Emily
"No. I called him a cheater." -Timmy

"The world is overpopulated because we're saving the sick!" -Jade

"Cripples. My biggest turn-on." -Emily

"That's an unfair fight. There's TWO balloons and only ONE battle axe!" -Emily

"You would." -Lavina
"Yes, we would!" -Timmy
"Und we did." -Emily

"You're a baby murderer!" -Timmy
"You're a skinny, gray, venus fly trap!" -Emily

"Okay so... What's an A.I.?" -Cody
"Artificial Intelligence." -Lavina
"Oh. I didn't see that movie." -Cody

"Look at my fucking squid!" -Will

"Moo. ... I said MOO DAMMIT!!" -Emily

Derp.

I thought going back to school would make me feel smarter. I assumed that getting a promotion meant I was more capable than I had been previously. I thought I'd feel better about and more comfortable inside my own brain as time went on. But when I do my school assignments, I'm never happy with them. At work I feel like I don't know a damn thing. The older I get the less comfortable I become in my level of maturity and intelligence. This could be because I am constantly challenging myself. I went for a new job, even when I didn't feel ready. Twice! I went back to school even though I feel like one of those people who doesn't belong there. I am surrounded by people older than me. Most of my friends are older than I am. I've been the youngest in my position level at work for almost a year. Even my boyfriend is seven years older than me. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of time playing catch up. And living with this intense hope that no one else can tell.

More than anything I want to sink back into a quiet, dark, inconspicuous little existence.Where I can do what I want without being noticed, live a supremely unimpressive life and have nothing expected of me. But it's like I have two voices in my head. The quieter one is more persuasive, and keeps me dragging the loud, terrified, uncomfortable voice along, through whatever new adventure I'm told to pursue.

Game Over

I'm having a REALLY hard time not posting about how hurtful you're being.
I'm having a really hard time not posting about how it makes absolutely no sense.
I'm having a really hard time understanding how your brain could possibly be working right now.
I'm having a really hard time staying angry at you.
I'm having a really hard time understanding how I deserve to be used as your punching bag.
I'm having a really hard time letting it all go.

But if that's what you want, I can try. Six years of friendship isn't something I want to lose over literally nothing. But if that's what you've decided to do, okay. I'm getting really good at goodbyes. Just know I'm not mad at you, I didn't do anything to betray your trust and you've broken my heart. And no, I don't expect you to care about any of that. You've made it clear that you're not going to. I just thought I'd give you some of the honesty you've kept from me. I don't want to play these games anymore. So fine, you win.

A Good Day

I just had a really pleasant day I would like to document. Woke up feeling well rested. I didn't have a headache for the first time in a few weeks. Which was admittedly only because I had this super mysterious dream where I had a headache. I woke up from the dream at 4:00am and had a headache. So I took an Advil and went back to sleep; securing a comfortable morning for myself 3 hours later.

After waking up feeling quite well I went to get ice on the way to my job at the church. The gas station I always stop at never has ice ready. They advertise it but it's never there. They have to go to the back and waste their and my time and bag it up during their early morning rush. It might be cruel of me but I've kept going there just waiting for the day they wise up and bag some ice before it gets busy, before Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning. At the exact same time. Today, they caught on.

So I got my ice in time and therefore got to work on time and had a really good time making coffee and talking with my co workers. I went home after work at cleaned the apartment. Listening to music and dancing like a fool. Home alone, and having fun. Arthur got home, we relaxed together for a bit. After a while we did the last of the cleaning just in time to invite some friends into our home. I haven't had that many people in my home since last summer so I was a little bit nervous but things worked out well. We spent a really fun few hours playing board games with Josh, Tyler, Alisha and Katie. Four people I did not know this time last year. A nice reminder that there will always be new people to meet and new friends to make. I just wanted to post a little reminder to myself that even though there are a lot of stressful days. Some days are a lot of fun. Even when nothing particularly interesting happens. Life is good. =)

Live and Let Live

I keep wanting to write a post about this thing on my mind. This weird way everyone seems to be thinking and feeling that I am just not getting. But every time I try, I end sounding ambivalent. Which I am not. I can't find a way to express this situation. It's driving me a little bit crazy.

Another Lesson In Letting Go

It seems like I've spent most of my life trying to strengthen my relationships with the people I care about. I love having friends. Who doesn't? I love feeling love for someone else. I love being loved. I get jealous very easily. I feel left out constantly. I very often see myself standing on the outside looking in, hoping I'll make it to the center one day.

The problem is I also love being alone. I love being alone with my thoughts. I love to sit for hours writing, drawing, cooking, watching movies, or just jammin' around on the Internet.  I love driving around by myself listening to music, singing. I don't sing around other people. Not the way I do alone.

I'm also very busy. I work full time, go to school part time, and maintain a relationship with my boyfriend. I don't have as much time to spend with friends as other people do. If I didn't live with Arthur I probably would hardly ever see him. My friends like to hang out late at night. I work early in the morning, six days a week. I don't mind being tired, but if I don't sleep I get sick. I guess that's what I get for getting older. Anyway, being busy and needing to sleep leaves me with very little free time. I have to kind of choose between moments of solitude, and moments with friends.

I think I'd be less upset if I accepted that the people who have more free time and time together are going to be closer than I can ever be to them. I enjoy my limited time with them but I think it's time I let go of needing to be a "best friend." I don't need to be anyones favorite. I'm not a best friend. I'm a loner, with friends. Friends I love deeply. Friends who can hang out all the time with each other. I may be on the outside looking in, and that's okay. It's pretty nice out here too. =)

Goodbye

The thing is, you and I should have stopped being friends years ago. Probably about four years into our friendship it stopped being healthy. We would stay in contact, pretty much so we could tell each other how to run our lives. We'd be the "shoulder to cry on" because we wanted to feel needed. Slowly everything good we were for one another faded. And we ended up doing more harm than we'd ever thought possible.

Some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever. Some people have lives that intertwine for a brief moment, and then move on. Trying to hold onto these connections when it hurts more than it helps is silly. And I hope you see that's why I let go. I gave you everything I could. And honestly after seven years of friendship, I have nothing left to give and you have nothing to give back. We used to be best friends, but now, we don't know each other at all. The best thing we can be for each other now is a fond memory. And while I do miss you, and wish I had made more of the time I had as your friend, I've said goodbye.

 

Love, Emily

Spoiler Allert, Kids!

The older I get the more frustrated I find myself becoming with the lessons they taught us as children growing up in this world. Disney teaches us that we will all find love and that love is worth any sacrifice. Our 1st grade teachers tell us we can achieve anything we want with enough hard work and we should never give up. Our parents constantly remind us that it is what's on the inside that counts.

These are all truly beautiful ideas. If the world worked this way it would be a much simpler and kinder place. And maybe that's why we were taught these ideals so young. The generations before us projecting their image of a perfect world onto us. It's a great thought. Really, it is... but life does not work this way. Don't get me wrong living your life with that kind of optimism and faith can really take you far. It's great to be so positive and you will reap the benefits. However...

You may not find love.
It's possible you'll be alone forever.
There's more to life than romantic love, and sometimes, there are thing far more important.
You cannot achieve "anything." There are many things that are impossible. And far too many things really do rely on natural talent.
You have to give up sometimes, otherwise you'll probably die at a young age over something really very stupid.
What's on the inside does matter a lot. But lets get real, life is easier for the aesthetically pleasing individual.

There are a hundred different ways I can take this thought from here. And someday I may expand on this. However today, the topic on my mind is sacrifice. One thing the sheltered 10 year old Emily had no concept of was graceful surrender. 10 year old me had no idea that loss was one of the hardest things to accept. 10 year old me was oblivious to the unavoidable lesson creeping up.
 
Give it a few years...

The first few times I lost something close to my heart I couldn't accept it. I held on to what I loved and fought for it tooth and nail. Even after the thing was gone I spent far too long holding on to what I thought was left. Had I known how much easier it was to let go. How much happier I would have been accepting the loss... It seemed like such a weak thing to do. I convinced myself that if I held on to these lost things, they'd somehow find their way back to me. Like they wouldn't have a choice. I thought I was being strong by holding on. Looking back I realize I was just too weak to abandon my delusions.

So here we reach one of the most difficult things I found about "the real world." Knowing when giving up is the bravest thing you can do. Knowing when letting go is the right course of action and accepting that you may have to hurt people, to do the right thing. I see so many people dragging their loved ones through hell just to hold onto a sliver of hope for a happy ending encompassing the team. I do believe that love is the most powerful thing on this earth. I think if you've found a connection that sparks and feeds off itself and lights the way thought the tough times, you should hold onto it tightly and give it your all. I also think that if you love someone (romantic or platonic) you should be willing to do what's best for them. At no, little or great sacrifice.

I've been feeling a little out of place the past week or two. I'm generally fairly happy with my life right now but something just seems off. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not sure where to go from here. Even if I did I'm not certain I'd know how to get there.

I like to think of myself not as a puzzle piece, but a puzzle, missing pieces. I've got one, maybe two sides matched up. But there's something that doesn't quite fit. It's not an empty space, but a space occupied by the wrong thing.

"You'll get by without me if you want."

I over think most things. Those who are close to me know this. I'm scared of hurting people. I'm scared of getting hurt. But honestly, playing it safe all the time is working against me. I spend so much of my life in fear. I'm constantly worried about what other people are thinking, or how they will react to something I do, say, or feel. I'm sick of it. I didn't used to be this way. It's just so difficult to do something again, that's hurt so terribly in the past. But dammit... I'm tired of hiding how I feel. I'm tired of being scared. I'm not doing it anymore. If you can't handle how I feel, or the way I act, I don't need you. If I feel more strongly than you do, so what? I'm an emotional and passionate person. Fucking deal with it.

11/11/11 11:11 - My Wish

I made a wish for you. Because you will never know how much I really care about you. Because we've been through so much together. Because of all the late night conversations. Because of the ups. Because of the downs. Because I'm sorry for everything that's happened and I want you to be happy. Because you're one of the closest people to my heart. Because it seems like this is all I have left to give you. Because I can't offer you more. Because I'd do anything for you if I thought it was what you needed. Because you will always be one of my best friends. Because I love you.

I made a wish for you.

I don't care how cheesy this is.

We never thought we'd become so close. We didn't even really try to be friends. We both needed someone to motivate the other to go to the gym. One Sunday morning we decided to give it a try. A few weeks later we began getting food after the gym. After that we decided to hang out and continue the conversations we had started at Planet Fitness or over Thai food. Soon enough she was the friend I told everything to. The friend I could sit chatting with for hours at a time. Out of nowhere I had found me a great additive to my circle of best friends. And over the summer, Laci grew closer to me than anyone else. And she's gone now... And I miss her terribly.

We could have the best time doing the stupidest shit.

Everything was funnier and stranger.

And then that crazy little friend of mine left. 

I am so happy for you Laci. So glad you found a good man and got out of this horrible state. I'm so inspired by your courage, strength and ability to love. But damn, I miss you so much. Don't forget how much you mean to me and how grateful I am that we became friends! Love you always <3

This Drug

You are pathologically insane. You let yourself become erratic and emptied your heart and mind waiting for something external to come take up the space. You were tired and lost and they found you at just the right moment. Offering you a place to rest and a flood of thoughts and ideas you can fill the empty spaces with.

It's a brilliant plan. Because getting someone lost on what they believe is their yellow brick road to happiness isn't something anyone else can fight. I want you to see how lost you are in yourself but dammit, if I say anything I instantly become the bad guy.

And no, I refuse to join in on this manic journey to a seemingly peaceful state of delusion. This epic fabrication has done nothing but harm the ones I love. It's taken more people from me than I care to admit. I hate losing someone I love so dearly but there are some things, even if worth fighting for, are best left alone.

(I am well aware that I may be wrong about this. But this is how I feel and what I believe with every fiber of my being.)

Summer '11 memories

This summer has been so full and exciting. I've spent so many beautiful days and nights reaching out and getting to know my friends better. Every Summer I wish I kept a list. Something to look back on. Then I realized that's kinda what my blog is for anyway. It's a place I can go to remind myself of what I've done, felt and thought. So here's my list from this summer so far. The most memorable of events =)

Time with friends...
Birthday festivities with Timmy and Meghan.
Floating the river with Ashleigh.
Playground time with Laci and Daniel.
Getting junk food with David and eating it on itchy terrible grassy fields.
Swings with Timmy and eclectic groups.
Hunting Cake with Marc and Joe
Solstice Fair walking around with Laci and Sean
Awkward bolwing with Hannah, Blaine, Vince and Buster.
Eventually finding and watching A Comedy of Errors with Lavina.
Dressing up getting ready for costume parties with Hannah.
Working out, eating Thai food and talking about boys with Laci.
Staying up until 7am talking philosophy with Ivyl, Jacob and Aaron.


The parties...
Harry Potter party at Sam's- Then seeing the movie with Sam, Sam, Laura and Marc
The Deity party- Tackled by a nun.
The movie character party- "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim, cha-roo!"
The white trash party- Then Family Restaurant group
Ashleigh's Birthday Party- We found a boat!
The accidental party at Timmy's- Battle Waltzing!
Girls night at Hannahs' =P

The events...
Clucking Blossom- Got The Court back together for a second.
The failed flash mob- Got to dance so whatever!
AYP- Painted Lavina's stomach, preformed, chilled with Mikey, Kat, Atigun, Sean, David.
The Hot Mess- Preformed at The Marlin


The trips...
Life altering trip to Arizona.
Hiking Trip with Laci, Elle and Alisha
Mind blowing trip to Anderson.
Chena Hot Springs trip with Laura and Sam.
Camping with Adam.

The boys...
Adam, Lee, Alex, Ethan
lol If nothing else I have some pretty good stories!

I'm sure there is more to come. The fair is coming up and that always ends up being an adventure. And I'll probably have to come back and add to what I remember anyway.

Loving Moments

It's nights like last night that really open up my mind to possibility. Enjoying the company of people who I do not know outside of that moment. A large conglomerate of people from different faces of life. Laughing, drinking, singing and loving the moment. Then a smaller group. Sitting, smoking, drawing, talking about life, love and loss. All of us just a step away from the boundaries of our comfort zones. We were exchanging opinions and thoughts. The room slowly filling up with smoke and the tensions we had been releasing from lips. Finding ways to communicate. Not understanding each other, but understanding life and the beauty of the confusion and unfamiliar ground we were so peacefully bound to, in that moment. It's impossible to describe. It's impossible to put into words or even clear thoughts. But if I can go to sleep this morning with this one absolute I am content. Right now things seem so clearly abstract. The world is a beautiful place.

Peaceful Loss

I seem to be playing a lot of games lately. There's this theme in life right now that I'm beginning to catch onto. The art of peaceful loss. I learned a few months ago that some things can be let go of without struggle. And I don't just have to pretend anymore. I can let go with confidence and ease. Finally I am capable of saying, "Hey, this isn't good for me. I don't need it in my life."
A friend who didn't respect me.
A man who could never love me.
A sister who didn't want me.
And a boy who used me.
All of these people I love on various levels. All four of them I care about to no end. Each one of them has made my life better and brightened my world. But right now, none of them need to be in my life. They might wonder back. I may have let my emotional attachments go but I am not above working to rebuild. Life will never stop moving and changing and I think a big part of finding happiness is learning to move and change with life, without losing yourself along the way. And that's my 2am rant on friends and lovers and the in-between.

Jealousy

What is jealousy really? To me jealousy is a lot like anger. A mixture of other emotions we've given a name to. If I break down my feelings of jealousy I'm left looking fear straight in the eye.


I'm afraid you like her better than me.
I'm afraid what I have won't support me as well as what you have.
I'm afraid he's having more fun than me.
I'm afraid she's prettier.

And why am I afraid? I want the best life for myself that I can manage. Every little piece counts. Fear drives us to better ourselves and our state of being in life. Without fear we have a harder time getting where we want to be. Fear and jealousy are powerful driving forces. Giving into them can either be harmful or helpful. Depending on how you face them. The important thing is that you do face them.


And I want you to know that in the process of writing this blog I changed my own mind.


... That complicates things. Dang it.

Home

I have an odd perception of "home" I think. I don't know if I've ever felt "home." My parents house was always uncomfortable. I felt bad vibes in that place since I can remember. And The last few years I was there, I can't remember a time I really wanted to be there. I'm sure there were times I enjoyed myself. But I can't pick any out. My immediate family is all I've ever known. Mom, Dad and Brother. Pamela, Frank and Aaron. But apparently, home, to me, is not family.

After my parent's place I moved into "The Heezy." This was a great idea at the start. Allyson had been my friend for 17 years. She was the closest thing I'd ever known to a sister. Caitlin and I had always gotten along great. The three of us together used to have so much fun. And they seemed to have their shit together. Shortly after moving in there I realized I had been blinded by the glamor of freedom to realize the reunion was a foolish idea. We were in different places in our lives. Me, trying to get everything together. Testing myself and my freedom and maturity. Them, blowing off steam and living it day by day. Testing their limits. I could only take so much of it and soon realized to me, home is not freedom.

After escaping The Heezy I moved into Fairview with Timmy. This has been a bit of an adventure. And quite a relief after my last living situation. We get along great and I can't say I have a better friend then him. I've tried to make the place comfortable. At least somewhat. However, there really is only so much you can do with Fairview Manor. It is relieving to know Timmy will be there. Sooner or later I will run into one of my best friends. And he's one of the only people I can open up to lately. I've been house sitting the past few days. And already when I refer to going there I say I'm going "home." Apparently home, to me, is not relief.

I guess to me "home" is wherever I sleep. Where my essentials are kept. A place to take a shower and charge my phone. "Home" is an illusion. Nothing more. At least, for now.

The feeling of being "at home" I understand. When I reach out for an attachment to the phrase images come to mind. On the phone with Adam late at night. Riding around blaring music with Lavina, Timmy and David. Sitting on the bridge in the summer. Sitting on the pipeline in the woods, watching the sunset. Sitting on the grass downtown, talking with Marc. Watching glee at the Sabo's with the gang. My feeling of being "at home" is a collage of moments. Beautiful, touching, memorable moments. I may have no sense of  "home" But the feeling of being there will do for now.

Let me tell you something

You hurt me. Every day. We both pretend, me out of courtesy, you out of fear. I miss you. I can help you. I need you. I love you. When asked who's the most important person in my life, I replied with your name. You are my number one. You were here for so long. You helped me like no one else could. You make my existence make sense. You're falling away from me... again. And I'm so scared to move in any direction. I'm losing you. I can feel it. And I'm not going to do anything about it.

Carefull

Your friends don't have to like you.
They don't have to forgive you.
They don't have to be there.

Carefull.