Go Figure

I'm happy. Not completely... not ALL the time. But part of my happiness comes with realizing I don't need a perfect life to experience happiness. I knew it all along, but it's never been an option. I'm constantly on the brink of writing a new poem, "Ode To Antidepressants." I wasn't sure what they would do really. I've tried the illegal type drugs that make me happy. And I sure as hell wasn't expecting them to work like that. So I really had no idea. Basically I feel less weighed down. Before if things weren't going well I literally felt heavier. Like I really was carrying the world on my shoulders. Now I feel more like my picture! lol holding the world up, and doing just fine. Of course the pills do cause some problems... When things go wrong I have a hard time knowing how to react. I have my instinct reaction... which contradicts directly with how I actually feel.. It's weird. But apart from little things like that.. I'm happy. It's been a long time. And it feels good. A have some friends who don't think the pills are a good idea. "fake happiness" It's not fake... The pills I'm on simply help my brain transmit emotion better than it used to. The potential for happiness was always there but my body wasn't letting me feel it. I feel it now, and it's amazing to enjoy life sometimes. Thing aren't perfect, not even close... But I'm okay with it. The big parts of my life = School, Dance, Work, Caitlin, Lavina, Chai Tea. I love them all! <3

P.S. This blog is horribly formatted. Sorry. lol

I can't say it

Person 1 - You hurt me. You know me just well enough to trick me into anything. You twist my words and ignore my emotions. You're horrible.

Person 2 - I miss you... The wounds have healed. I not longer hurt... I'm no longer angry. But, I'll always miss you.

Person 3 - I love you. You're amazing... I'd be lost without you.

Person 4 - The thought of you alone makes it hard for me to breath. I don't need you. You don't need me. Leave me alone.

Person 5 - I think about you a lot... It's random. I hardly know you... I wonder if you think about me too...

Person 6 - If I told you you wouldn't believe me but you mean a lot to me. You're a good friend and a better person than you realize.

Honesty

If you know me at all you'll know that I'm very suspicious of people. It's not that I naturally don't trust. I have nothing against someone... but I don't have anything for them until i know they can be trusted. Speaking on the grand scale this makes sense. Why be friends with someone who will tell your secrets? Or lie to you about theirs? But do you ever wonder just how much of what people are saying is a lie? There's the instinct reaction lies such as when someone you don't really know asks how you're doing and despite how horribly your day's been going you respond with, "Oh fine, how're you?" I've been wondering lately just how much people really tell the truth about. I mean I've been there before when someone I don't really care for is having a hard time so I tell them, "It's okay... Things will work out. I'm here if you need me. I really care about you." And yeah, it's all been bullshit. I WOULD help... But I don't actually care. I don't do that anymore. A simple, "Damn homie... that sucks." Will do it for me if I don't actually care. How often do I talk to someone and what they're telling me is really, "Damn homie... that sucks." ... I wish there was a real way to tell. I can't lie. Well I guess I CAN But lately I don't see the point. The truth always floats to the surface in the end anyway so why not just push it up there to start with and save some time?? If more people were actually honest about their feelings or opinions sure the sweetness of sugar coating everything would be lost but at least we'd all know what's really going on in life.

Confined

Immobile… my life.. There’s no where for me to go at all. It seems like lately all I can do is let things happen. Nothing I do changes anything. I don’t try to do much I guess.. I don’t care enough.. I wish I had something to care about. I don’t care about dance anymore. It’s pointless. Waste of my time. I’ve never cared much about school.. I don’t have an super meaningful relationships right now. Okay.. A few but they’re not going anywhere new. I just.. I feel like the less goes on in my life the more satisfied I am. But I get no satisfaction from nothing. I get… nothing. I am nothing. I don’t matter. I don’t inspire anyone. I don’t make anyone angry. I just.. Am. Thrown in among the busy lives of others as a decoration or hurtle. But never anything too critical. Even when i try to make an impact I feel trapped within my emotional limits.. I realize most of my life’s situation is my own creation. I wanted to detach myself. It worked. Just how I wanted it to. I fell… of course. This time.. No one backed out of my life because of it. Why? Where would anyone go? No one’s close enough to feel the need to drift away. I love it. I think I’d be happy if I was completely alone by choice. Either that or if I actually had a stable emotional connection with someone. Maybe a few someones. But no. I’m just here… Doing god knows what for god knows why and confused as hell about it. I wish I actually cared more. That’s the only thing that REALLY bothers me. I stopped caring as much. I react a lot of the times out of habit, not out of passion. What passion? I feel it from time to time. There’s a few friends who spark it in me. I feel emotion towards them and I soak it in. Any hint of emotion or feeling… Give me something to fight for. Give me something to love. Give me a reason to care. Something… Anything at all. I miss loving.

Too much

Too much drama. Too much life. My life was really boring for a while there. I prefer it that way. A lot of people know that something happened this past weekend that's sent me into this downward spiral of confusion and depression. There's a VERY select few who know the story. Let me start this by saying IT'S NOT PERSONAL!!! The issue is NOT if I told YOU or not. If anyone goes off on me for it I'll hit you. I didn't tell you the story for a reason. Except it. I just feel like I need to be doing something. There's absolutely nothing I can do but wait and talk. So here I am. I don't know what to do. I know what I'm going to do I guess I just don't know how to feel. I'm having issues with two of my best friends now because of this one thing. The school showed up in my life and I had to do some creative speaking to get out of the councilors office. Poor Mr. East... I randomly run into his room and ask for advice on extremely vague issues.. Poor dance people... I'm such a grouch. Poor Adam... He just happened to be on the phone at the wrong time... I just don't know how to control myself anymore. I'm sorry.. Anyone who reads this. I don't mean to be so horrible. It'll pass. In the mean time ignore me. This is generally the point in the routine where most my friends would leave my life. But I don't have much of anyone close. I'm thankful for that. I don't know where I'm supposed to be going with this blog. it's pointless. I just need to be talking. I need to be doing something. I'm failing 3 classes. I've run off the road twice now.. I can't understand dance anymore... Falling apart. Please forgive me.