Emotionally Colorblind

Reading back through the past twp years of emails, myspace comments and messages I discovered something. My plan worked. I was reading back from my big fight with Harry... How passionately I felt for him. How hurt I was. How emotional I let myself get... I saw all the comments my friends left on his blog. They all loved me so much. They all spat hateful words at Harry for all the times they saw me cry.

I read back through e-mails I sent Christian when we were still together. "I can't wait until we're back together. It's the only thing that's keeping me going..." I read back through e-mails from when I hadn't heard from him in a while, "Babe I'm worried... Are you okay? Are we okay? What's going on I'm so lost." I read back through e-mails from when I hadn't heard from him in 4 months. "How could you do this to me? What happened to you and why the fuck don't I get to know?! I deserve at least that!" How painful... How... pathetic.

I read back through some letters/e-mails I never sent to some people... Garrett... Egan... Adam Friend...Joe... And everywhere in those letters there was sadness and Passion and love or hate. How does someone feel that much? I realized then that it was after all of them... all the people just named that I built up a resistance to emotion. I CAN feel it I'm sure... But I don't anymore. There's things I'm stuck with... Family stuff, stress, school...but as far as my friendships and relationships I choose not to get too emotionally involved. I care about my friends.. Yes, I love them... But not like I used to love people. Not the crazy passionate emotion I used to live with. Loving anything "with all my heart" seems impossible.


I feel bad for my Adam friend... he had my back through the issue with Harry when they didn't even know each other. He's been there to listen to me cry over Christian for the past year.. He was there to listen and give advice when I first fell into my new habit. He's been watching it all.. He promised to be the one trying to break down my brick wall... He made it all come together for me to understand. It's all been a series of cruel people and stupid mistakes. And slowly I've been working on getting everyone closed off. He must have known I was waiting for a reason to detach myself from him... he must have known.

I feel like I'm running on auto-pilot these days. Remembering the words I used to describe my emotions is as far as I can get. I'm emotionally def... Emotionally numb... Emotionally frozen. I can see it but I can't feel it. I can't get attached. The feeling of detaching is close right? It's a feeling. I guess I kinda like this. ... I damn well better I've been working for it for years now. It won't last I know that... If I've learned one thing so far it's that all good things must come to an end.

What if it doesn't end though? What if I never care again? Never love, feel happiness, feel affection, feel trust. ... I'd never feel hate, feel anger, feel loneliness, feel heartache. ... Looks like it doesn't really matter. I just don't care. Give me something to actually care about world! Give me a sign... Anything. I used to thrive off personal attachments. I loved being needed by friends. I love needing friends. I'm not needed and I don't need anymore. One extreme to the next. It's peaceful and annoying at the same time. My mind and I are still negotiating a deal on this. I don’t even know what I hope we decide.