"It's all fun and games..."

"It's more scared of you than you are of it."
So that's why it's going to hurt me?

"Survival of the fittest."

Kill or be killed, right?

"All's fair in love and war."

So what's the difference?

*sigh*
I don't much like these games.

Synchronization

The problem with all humans is we're not all robots. We don't all have the same programing. Free will and free thinking creates unpredictability. Unpredictability creates confusion. Confusion creates frustration. Frustration leads to all other kinds of addled emotions. Emotions make us unpredictable. It goes full circle and there's no way out. The worst thing about people and their emotions is their individuality. An emotion, felt by one person, uses the same name as a similar, yet possibly very different emotion felt by another person.

How are we supposed to properly communicate with one another when our words are so subjective and our emotions so ambiguous? It's all one giant muddled mess. And there's no fixing it. The best we can do is hope that whoever we decide to share our emotions with has a similar interpretation of the words we're trying to express. Or at least the two differing emotional constructions are in some way compatible.

As confounding as these differences are I cannot help but see it as the most beautiful piece of life. The variants of our species makes us interesting. The best parts of life come from exploring new people and deciphering their mental and emotional constructs. Some of our greatest problems with ourselves are also some of our greatest strengths. While the world would be quite a bit more simple if we were all robotic and emotionless, we would lose all the beauty in life. Although... if we were nothing but programs and metal... we wouldn't care much, would we?

... I'm talking myself in all kinds of directions here. I'll leave this post here. Point made.
Over and out.

Castle On The Beach

We all start from the same place. A primordial origin of potential in which all scores are even. We all begin at zero. Only then is it acceptable to be there. Only then can we succumb to our basic instincts. Only then can we feel free of expectations. Only then, when we have no capability to understand the beauty of it all.

We are expected to spend all of our days climbing to a higher place. We fight against every other force on earth pushing down on us. Gravity holds a stronger meaning the longer we live, bound to our earth by it. We struggle, first through living, then through dying, just to reach the high point. But nothing is permanent. Our foundations crumble and we all end just trying to fall as gently as possibly back to where we started.

It's easy to say you have no regrets. It's easy to feign happiness while wearing a mask of confidence. It seems effortless to simply say words such as, "trust," "faith," and "love." The value of these pronouncements weigh feebly against the true emotions behind the words. While the thought of helplessly watching while my world comes sinking back into the sea terrifies every fraction of my being, I think I can be okay. So long as I can stand close by, holding onto something real, something earned and truly bound to my heart, I will be content.

These thoughts may be premature, but nothing scares me as much as the thought of dying an incomplete person. And I believe there's no time too soon to begin, or finish piecing yourself together. Because you have no guarantee for tomorrow.

11/11/11 11:11 - My Wish

I made a wish for you. Because you will never know how much I really care about you. Because we've been through so much together. Because of all the late night conversations. Because of the ups. Because of the downs. Because I'm sorry for everything that's happened and I want you to be happy. Because you're one of the closest people to my heart. Because it seems like this is all I have left to give you. Because I can't offer you more. Because I'd do anything for you if I thought it was what you needed. Because you will always be one of my best friends. Because I love you.

I made a wish for you.

It's meant to be shared...

But always keep a piece for yourself.

Make It Happen

I think it's important to have personal goals. Ones not seen by or shared with the rest of the world. Ones that mean something to you and only you. It's easy to get caught up in wanting to please the ones you care about. It's easy to get worn down by the expectations of others. It's easy to get lost trying to impress then world. But step back and take a look at how important it is to impress yourself. The more you appreciate yourself and who you are the more content you will be, despite the views of others. So what if the outside world doesn't approve? So what if the outside world doesn't think you're good enough, smart enough, brave enough, pretty enough... They'll catch on. If you really want to change other people's views of you, you need to start with your own views. Do what it takes to be who you need to be.


"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie the Pooh

Remembering Me

I remember the girl back in high school. Who would say whatever was on her mind. Who used her emotions to relate to people. Who knew how to make people feel how she wanted them to. The girl who was an open book for whoever cared to read into her. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone within arms reach.

But today she's different. And how could you expect anyone to stay the same for that long? Change is good. But sometimes I'm scared I've gone too far. I feel I've grown into a healthy state of mind and sense of awareness. Possibly too aware? It's hard for me to get people to see me for who I am. I look timid. I look weak. I look passive and insecure. I know this. But I am not this. If you could only see just how much fighting I've done. If you had been there as I have you would know I'm just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything being a battle. Yes, I'm quite, but give me a good reason and I'll scream. Yes, I'm an introvert, but attack something I care about and expect altercation. Yes, I'm guarded, but if you're something special and you show me you're sincere, I'll let you into my heart.  I want to make people happy. I can't help that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately this often comes across as me being scared of being uncomfortable, and me being scared of getting hurt. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to feel degraded or desolate. No one wants that. However, those emotions, I can deal with. But can you? I guess I need to have a little more faith in people.

I pretty much had this exact same conversation a few days ago with someone... for some reason it's still on my mind. I guess when someone has a pretty good grasp on your personality any little slip seems like a bigger deal than it probably is. Either way, I suppose I'm on a journey to take a few bricks off the wall around my inhibitions.

<3

Just when I think it's all falling apart...
Just when I'm starting to wonder if this was a good idea...
Just when I'm starting to question your motives...
And just when I start to let myself slip away...

You pull me back in.

You make me feel more like a woman than any man ever has. You make me feel sexy and irresistible. You make me feel special. You make me feel intelligent and confident. You make me feel amazing.

And then you let me starve. Hunger for you, crave you.

You tease me.

---

And I love it.

Greed?

For Halloween my friends and I are dressing up to each personify one of the seven deadly sins. Most of the sins and the people representing them had to be shuffled around a bit until they either fit the right people or weren't offending anyone. There were two that were a unanimous vote from the very start. Mine was one of those, and I'm tasked with finding a costume that symbolizes greed.

There's been this ongoing joke for the past 5 years that I am the "Designated Jew" of the group. Even when all but one or two members of said group have changed I am still, The Jew. It kinda fits anyway because I'm a workaholic and am generally pretty good with money.

But... does budgeting myself and being a hard worker make me greedy? The definition of Greed  is, "A selfish and excessive desire for more of something than is needed." If I stand back and look at it, that's not me at all. There's not much I have an excessive amount of. My car is nice, but not great. I don't own a bunch of expensive jewelry. Half my clothes I buy at Value Village.

As far as my greed with money.. It's not so much greed that keeps me comfortable having two or three jobs, working as much overtime as I can and being aware of where exactly my money is going. It's fear. I'm scared to need something and not be able to attain it. Also for me work has always been a great way to get my mind off things. I feel accomplished and useful after a good days work. The money is nice obviously but there are other reasons I like working.

So when I stop and think about it, me being the obvious choice for Greed is pretty inaccurate. But, in the end I can't possibly actually be upset about because... Well, I AM The Jew ;)

Dear Life,

If you don't mind, I think I'll be happy now.

Hopefully yours,
Emily

Deluuuusional???

I keep waking up to terrifying hallucinations. It started shortly after I began taking this new sleeping pill my doctor thought was a good idea. I woke up, opened my eyes and I was covered in spiders. I freaked out, jumped up, brushed some of the hundreds of spiders off me, was looking at my spider-covered bed... And they disappeared. I figured a bad dream just carried on a little too long, and went back to sleep. About fifteen minutes later I woke up, opened my eyes and the spiders were back. This went on, every fifteen to twenty minutes for the rest of the night.

A few weeks ago I was parked at Alaska Land, wasting time before I had to go to work. I dozed off. When my "get to work" alarm went off on my phone I opened my eyes, looked out my window and a foot tall spider was standing on the hood of my car, I spent a good five to ten seconds freaking out and then it was gone.

Yesterday when I woke up I turned over, looked at the other side of the bed, where my laptop was sitting and saw a spider with ridiculously long legs climb into my keyboard. I jumped up, ran my computer down to my garage, set it down and went back to bed. When I woke up again I realized how unlikely it was that a spider that size could even fit into my keyboard.

This is freaking me out and making me feel a bit crazy. It's not the first time something like this has happened either. Last winter I was sure I was being haunted. A few very horrifying events had me questioning between insanity or the paranormal. I'm really hoping this just goes away. and soon.

The Aimless

Someone who cares about me in that way.

Someone who loves me.

Someone who wants to take care of me.

... ... ...

What would I do with that anyway?

I don't care how cheesy this is.

We never thought we'd become so close. We didn't even really try to be friends. We both needed someone to motivate the other to go to the gym. One Sunday morning we decided to give it a try. A few weeks later we began getting food after the gym. After that we decided to hang out and continue the conversations we had started at Planet Fitness or over Thai food. Soon enough she was the friend I told everything to. The friend I could sit chatting with for hours at a time. Out of nowhere I had found me a great additive to my circle of best friends. And over the summer, Laci grew closer to me than anyone else. And she's gone now... And I miss her terribly.

We could have the best time doing the stupidest shit.

Everything was funnier and stranger.

And then that crazy little friend of mine left. 

I am so happy for you Laci. So glad you found a good man and got out of this horrible state. I'm so inspired by your courage, strength and ability to love. But damn, I miss you so much. Don't forget how much you mean to me and how grateful I am that we became friends! Love you always <3

A List

Things there aren't enough of:

Zebras Good long nights of sleep Ventriloquists Heroes Cashiers at Fred Meyers Radio stations that only play my favorite song on repeat forever Rainy days in Alaska Beaches in Alaska Coupons Compliments Sweet dreams Roller coasters Women leaders Fuel efficient vehicles Happy marriages Collage scholarships Reggae bands Non permanent hair dye colors Bubbles... ever Good old fashioned Disney movies Colors of eyes Flying cars Cheering crowds Healthy things that taste good Leopards Dragons Dr. Seuss Books Really old (but clean [duh]) Tupperware Chips with the perfect amount of cheese on them in your plate of nachos Real-bearded Santas Freckles Flavors of jell-o Good paying and easy jobs Tea... In my cup. Right now Redheads Acceptance letters to Hogwarts Seasons of "Fame" Seasons of love Hours in a day Really, really tall people Time machines Costume Parties

Delirium

 

"When love is not madness, it is not love."

-Pedro Calderon de la Barca

This Drug

You are pathologically insane. You let yourself become erratic and emptied your heart and mind waiting for something external to come take up the space. You were tired and lost and they found you at just the right moment. Offering you a place to rest and a flood of thoughts and ideas you can fill the empty spaces with.

It's a brilliant plan. Because getting someone lost on what they believe is their yellow brick road to happiness isn't something anyone else can fight. I want you to see how lost you are in yourself but dammit, if I say anything I instantly become the bad guy.

And no, I refuse to join in on this manic journey to a seemingly peaceful state of delusion. This epic fabrication has done nothing but harm the ones I love. It's taken more people from me than I care to admit. I hate losing someone I love so dearly but there are some things, even if worth fighting for, are best left alone.

(I am well aware that I may be wrong about this. But this is how I feel and what I believe with every fiber of my being.)

What if they find us?

They're not looking anyway.
=)


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Summer '11 memories

This summer has been so full and exciting. I've spent so many beautiful days and nights reaching out and getting to know my friends better. Every Summer I wish I kept a list. Something to look back on. Then I realized that's kinda what my blog is for anyway. It's a place I can go to remind myself of what I've done, felt and thought. So here's my list from this summer so far. The most memorable of events =)

Time with friends...
Birthday festivities with Timmy and Meghan.
Floating the river with Ashleigh.
Playground time with Laci and Daniel.
Getting junk food with David and eating it on itchy terrible grassy fields.
Swings with Timmy and eclectic groups.
Hunting Cake with Marc and Joe
Solstice Fair walking around with Laci and Sean
Awkward bolwing with Hannah, Blaine, Vince and Buster.
Eventually finding and watching A Comedy of Errors with Lavina.
Dressing up getting ready for costume parties with Hannah.
Working out, eating Thai food and talking about boys with Laci.
Staying up until 7am talking philosophy with Ivyl, Jacob and Aaron.


The parties...
Harry Potter party at Sam's- Then seeing the movie with Sam, Sam, Laura and Marc
The Deity party- Tackled by a nun.
The movie character party- "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim, cha-roo!"
The white trash party- Then Family Restaurant group
Ashleigh's Birthday Party- We found a boat!
The accidental party at Timmy's- Battle Waltzing!
Girls night at Hannahs' =P

The events...
Clucking Blossom- Got The Court back together for a second.
The failed flash mob- Got to dance so whatever!
AYP- Painted Lavina's stomach, preformed, chilled with Mikey, Kat, Atigun, Sean, David.
The Hot Mess- Preformed at The Marlin


The trips...
Life altering trip to Arizona.
Hiking Trip with Laci, Elle and Alisha
Mind blowing trip to Anderson.
Chena Hot Springs trip with Laura and Sam.
Camping with Adam.

The boys...
Adam, Lee, Alex, Ethan
lol If nothing else I have some pretty good stories!

I'm sure there is more to come. The fair is coming up and that always ends up being an adventure. And I'll probably have to come back and add to what I remember anyway.

Loving Moments

It's nights like last night that really open up my mind to possibility. Enjoying the company of people who I do not know outside of that moment. A large conglomerate of people from different faces of life. Laughing, drinking, singing and loving the moment. Then a smaller group. Sitting, smoking, drawing, talking about life, love and loss. All of us just a step away from the boundaries of our comfort zones. We were exchanging opinions and thoughts. The room slowly filling up with smoke and the tensions we had been releasing from lips. Finding ways to communicate. Not understanding each other, but understanding life and the beauty of the confusion and unfamiliar ground we were so peacefully bound to, in that moment. It's impossible to describe. It's impossible to put into words or even clear thoughts. But if I can go to sleep this morning with this one absolute I am content. Right now things seem so clearly abstract. The world is a beautiful place.

By the way...

Please, if you have something to say and want it taken seriously, let me know who you are. All comments are subjective and if I don't know who's posting them (especially if they're rude or confrontational) they don't travel far into my emotions or thought processes.
Thank you =)

One more

And the Helix there at the top. Woops.

Masks

Liking someone is never as straightforward as you'd like. Being honest, is honestly pretty difficult. Being together isn't as simple as being. Loving isn't as facile as love.

And more often than not what's easy isn't what's right.

Speaking from the heart at 1:30am...

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Piercings

For some reason I have decided to document my piercings. So.. um well here they are! In order of how exciting they are.

Three in my left lobe and a cartilage.

Three in my right lobe and a Tragus.

Navel

 Two dermal anchors in my nape

So there you have it.At the moment I have to plans for future piercings. Unfortunately I'm out of ones I want. But if I change my mind I might post a picture depending on where it is =P lol jk

Wishing

Days like this remind me why I go to the lengths I go to to become this person I'm working at becoming. Days like this when I go to the gym and work off every last bite of food I've consumed. Days like this when I reach out to people who give me little to nothing back. Days like this when I make appointments to get my hair done for a price I can't afford. Days like this when I try my very hardest not to say anything disagreeable or offensive. Days like this when I keep my mouth shut in fear of saying something wrong. Days like this when I stare into the mirror for lengthy amounts of time, wishing I was born with different skin. Days like this break my heart. There aren't many days like this. I love life and I love me. But sometimes, on days like this, I wish someone else did too. 

Chin up Bright Eyes, loneliness can't last forever.

Love Birds

I found a baby bird yesterday in Alaska Land. Adam and I were walking around and found him on the ground. Put him back in the nest but an hour later he was on the ground again. So I took it with me. I was going to take the poor thing to the vet but they were closed until Monday so I just took it home. Made a little nest type thing in a box, put it under a lamp and have been feeding it little pieces of shrimp. I must say I rally do enjoy the company. Right now it's perched on the lamp singing with me. I turn on music and it just kinda looks around but once I start singing it chirps with me! I feel like freaking snow white. It's great. Gonna miss this little thing come Monday.

The Hot Mess

"I'm sorry about this. It's like I only Drag you into things that suck." -David
"Haha yeah I don't know why I listen to you anymore." -Me
"Because It's all you got." -David

Well shit...

Peaceful Loss

I seem to be playing a lot of games lately. There's this theme in life right now that I'm beginning to catch onto. The art of peaceful loss. I learned a few months ago that some things can be let go of without struggle. And I don't just have to pretend anymore. I can let go with confidence and ease. Finally I am capable of saying, "Hey, this isn't good for me. I don't need it in my life."
A friend who didn't respect me.
A man who could never love me.
A sister who didn't want me.
And a boy who used me.
All of these people I love on various levels. All four of them I care about to no end. Each one of them has made my life better and brightened my world. But right now, none of them need to be in my life. They might wonder back. I may have let my emotional attachments go but I am not above working to rebuild. Life will never stop moving and changing and I think a big part of finding happiness is learning to move and change with life, without losing yourself along the way. And that's my 2am rant on friends and lovers and the in-between.

"Frankly my dear..."

"She just doesn't like you."

"I always got the impression you were kind of a slut in high school."

"You said you don't normally make a good first impression. ... I'm gonna have to agree with that."

"You're just unpleasant to be around."

These are all things that have been expressed to me about myself and my life in the past few weeks. They hurt to hear but hearing these statements helps me a lot. I have some serious work to do. Most of my personality has been formed by my need and want to be loved. And it's led me to this. A life where only a very few select people seek my company. I've been standing in this uncomfortable and confining box for far too long. Goodbye limits! Goodbye over-abundance of self control! Goodbye insecurities! Because you know what world? I'm young. I'm beautiful. I'm interesting and I'm fun. Maybe not in the ways you're looking for. Maybe not in the ways you expect. But I am everything I need to be. I just need to find it all within myself. And I will. And when I do I'm not going running after anyone looking for approval. Because I don't give a damn what you think.

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Gravity Be Dammed

Things are confusing, hectic and difficult lately. I'm losing and gaining and compromising left and right. Nearly all aspects of my life the way I knew it three months ago have changed. I'm succeeding and failing in places I didn't previously know even existed. Times are hard... And times are great. I'm getting all this crazy exposure and I can feel it rounding out the jagged edges of my life. I have a long way to go and I honestly would not have it any other way. I've learned to love new things and people while learning I can still love the things I've lost and am losing with respect and appreciation for how they've helped shape my life. I've opened up my heart and mind to the idea of possibility. What is gone isn't lost and what is not yet or ever present still exists. I love life. More than that I love MY life. And all the little attached or broken pieces. Life is looking up.


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Catch and Release

I'm not going to shed a single tear for this. Another missed opportunity. Another name to add to the list of "what ifs." One more fish in the sea. But I can accept this. I didn't get a chance to know you very well, but I know enough to see you as a beautiful human being. It's sad. It's frustrating. Also, it's not a big deal. I have other options and better things coming. But loneliness wasn't my motivation. You were. I'm not writing this off completely. The future is a mystery and I wouldn't doubt our paths will cross one day. Until then, if then exists, I'm content just knowing I live in the same world as you. That thought alone makes things a little brighter.


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Just ranting. Will probably delete later.

You may have fooled me at the time, but given 24hours thought on the conversation shed some new light. You tried disguising your insecurities with yourself in concern for me. "How are you going to handle this?" "We don't want you to get hurt." "You're awfully young." ... Like anyone cares that much about someone they just met. I'll be fine I'm a big girl, I know what I'm getting into and I fully understand the risks involved. Yes, this is confusing and new but since when is new a bad thing?? Yes, I have conflicting emotions... So what? You're not the one who has to feel them. You kept imying that I don't know what I want and I contradict myself. That may be but you know who else doesn't know how I feel or what I want?? You. So don't you dare pull this mothering, protective bull shit on me. Babe, I'm not buying it. You demand all this truth from me but you're hiding your real emotions under this transparent blanket of condescending insults. I gave you full control of the situation and you're abusing it to the best of your abilities. The reason you have complete control? You deserve it and obviously have the right to it. This much, I know and accept. But if you want to take advantage the way you are you better know you're disapointing more than just me. If you want me gone, fine I'm gone. But at least have the nerve to realize it for what it is. You don't believe me, but I don't need this. Just say the word. I can handle it. I'm only 20, but I'm not a god damn child.

Happiness vs Love

I know what I want... But I'm kind of hoping I can't have it. The one thing standing in my way is starting to feel like a blessing... Maybe I'm not just scared. Maybe I know what's good for me and for once I'm telling myself to protect me. Me, before anyone else. Maybe this time together isn't enough. No matter how safe it is, no matter how direct the situation is, no matter how right it feels... Maybe this time I'm not willing to be another kind of miserable. Love and happiness are not the same thing.

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Jealousy

What is jealousy really? To me jealousy is a lot like anger. A mixture of other emotions we've given a name to. If I break down my feelings of jealousy I'm left looking fear straight in the eye.


I'm afraid you like her better than me.
I'm afraid what I have won't support me as well as what you have.
I'm afraid he's having more fun than me.
I'm afraid she's prettier.

And why am I afraid? I want the best life for myself that I can manage. Every little piece counts. Fear drives us to better ourselves and our state of being in life. Without fear we have a harder time getting where we want to be. Fear and jealousy are powerful driving forces. Giving into them can either be harmful or helpful. Depending on how you face them. The important thing is that you do face them.


And I want you to know that in the process of writing this blog I changed my own mind.


... That complicates things. Dang it.

Who's morals are these?

I never thought I would be in this position. This is one of those places in life that has always seemed so black and white. And suddenly I'm standing in a giant, confusing blob of gray. I'm torn between what I've grown up believing, and what feels right. The social norm clashes so comically with the logical yet twisted reasonings of this situation. I can't help but to laugh. At the same time however, I can see this with a potentially harmful end. But the normal routs leading to companionship and happiness rarely work for me. Maybe it is time to branch out. I'm making no rash decisions.

Clarity

I've been on very unsure ground lately and regaining my footing unstabilizes things more and more. So I've been letting things flow and I'm realizing some of my delusions. I'm not who I thought I was to most people in my life. I've found myself meaning less to people who mean a lot to me and a lot to people who mean little to me. Some adjustments need to be made. There are people at my door waiting, with open arms to be let in. Then there are people I love and care for unconditionally who keep me no closer than arms length. I can't tell if it's because of the way I love that the ones I love aren't letting me in. Or if I really do just need to learn to love the right people. Either way, things are breaking apart and coming back together. Where people end up in my heart is up to them and I need to let my friendships place themselves instead of trying to control everything. So far, that's all I've got. It's a work in progress. =]

Square One

I can hardly begin to describe how overwhelmed I am right now. If I were to say everything is going wrong I'd be lying. But I can't exactly say things are going well either. Things just Are. I'm without a home now. Spending a few weeks with my parents. I'm single again. And I may be forced to leave my job. All my friendships are teetering on the edge and me, myself feels torn in a thousand different directions. Does it bother me? No, not exactly. I can see good and bad ways for all of this to work out. The problem is it's all happening at once and making this many decisions is driving me crazy. On the plus side I can go anywhere from here. There's this freedom I'm being forced to face that has never been there before. So when all is said and done. Square one is a great place to start.

Bitter Sweet

Impossible. A word that haunts the very existence of mankind. However it's not the super hero, cartoon world, abarcadabra impossible that nips at our dreams. No, it's the possible impossibilities that make us stand still, hold our breath and wish with all our heart and soul. I cannot, myself alone, fly off into the sky and spin and twirl around like a bird. And that, I have learned to accept as a piece of life the way it is in this world. I cannot, in any reality of this world, make a person love me. I can't be the one to decide how another person feels or what they say or do. It's these impossibilities that shake us. Because a person CAN love me. A person CAN say what I'd like them to. Situational impossibility is the most frustrating concept I have yet to come across in life. When you pull out all the stops, release inhibitions and do everything in your power to make your dreams into reality and still find your self facing a dead end. It brings to life a question of worth. Does it make sense to play a game you know you cannot win? Do you enjoy the limited journey to the best of your ability and prepare yourself to start anew when you reach your predestined end? Or do you search for a more fulfilling and rewarding task? Life is all about the journey right? It's the emotions we feel along the way that count. It's the depths of our friendships and connections with people that we love to look back on. Seems to me if you've found something worth fighting for, whatever the chances of success are it will be worth the journey. Do what you love. Be with who you love. But keep in mind that the only constant in this world is change. There's no way of avoiding pain. And no one gets out of this world alive. I often hear the phrase, "Live like you're dying." Half the time I see people living their lives as if already dead. wondering through life half asleep, waiting for happiness to find them. Take chances. Take risks and make your own decisions. Live like you're in control, even if you're not. Live life like you're dying? No. Live life like you're living.

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams, whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me


Dream a little dream of me.