Confessions

Sometimes it feels like I have these large pieces missing from me. Like I have these holes straight through my body that everyone else can see. Like everyone can tell I'm not finished.

I don't know if I'm scared to talk to my friends, or if I know better. I'm scared they won't care, because no one seems to anymore. I'm scared they'll make things worse. I'm scared I'll feel like I've lost control. I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if I'm learning.

I can't tell if I don't know how to ask for help, or if I'm strong enough not to.

I don't know why I have to go to extremes. It's all or nothing. And I get stuck in nothing. It's scary... I feel like I'm making progress. I know I'm doing damage. I can't find a way out. Addiction is powerful. And comes in many forms... I know I was looking for it. But was I looking for this?

Why is it so easy for people to walk out of my life without explanation? I know people grow apart. I know friendships don't last forever. I know mistakes are made that can't be fixed. But why is it so common for people in my life to disappear? Am I just often in the presence of very weak people? Or very rude people? Or do I make it hard for people to leave? Oddly enough it's always the people who mean the most who do this... Curiouser and curiouser...

I'm weird. I know I'm weird. Lately I even feel the weird happening as it happens. I can't stop it. Mid weirdism I notice it, and then it gets weirder. The weird is getting awkward. The awkward is getting uncomfortable. The uncomfortable is getting old.

I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point of all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway.

My Declaration

There is no such thing as a perfect person. I am no exception. I have a bad temper. I'm prone to procrastination, pessimism, self hatred, dishonesty, jealousy, selfishness, self harm, sarcasm and many other bad qualities I won't go into for the sake of saving time. I was okay with myself for a long time. Lately however, I'm learning to battle myself again. It seems the more alone I am, the less I like myself. The less I like myself, the more alone I become. I hurt people. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose, sometimes without knowing it at all. I want to become someone who brings nothing but happiness to other people. I want to learn to appreciate the good in every single person I meet. I want to learn how to forgive properly. I want to be a person worth knowing, because right now, I don't feel that I am. I realize this is why I am so alone. I've spent too much time working on my friendships, working on how other people see me. I see my flaws now. I see that I need to focus on me. When I can like myself again, I'll work on introducing that person to new people. Maybe in the future I'll be better at holding on to the people I love. So while I wish I could make a declaration about how I am going to be a better friend and help people out more, I can't. All I can do is promise to work on me. The rest... well, I'll get back to you.

These feelings and thoughts: Brought to you by weeks of introspection.

The inspiration to write it out and post it to the gaping Internet void:
http://youtu.be/eVDXzZabTaI

Sorry Michael, No quite what you were looking for.