Synchronization

The problem with all humans is we're not all robots. We don't all have the same programing. Free will and free thinking creates unpredictability. Unpredictability creates confusion. Confusion creates frustration. Frustration leads to all other kinds of addled emotions. Emotions make us unpredictable. It goes full circle and there's no way out. The worst thing about people and their emotions is their individuality. An emotion, felt by one person, uses the same name as a similar, yet possibly very different emotion felt by another person.

How are we supposed to properly communicate with one another when our words are so subjective and our emotions so ambiguous? It's all one giant muddled mess. And there's no fixing it. The best we can do is hope that whoever we decide to share our emotions with has a similar interpretation of the words we're trying to express. Or at least the two differing emotional constructions are in some way compatible.

As confounding as these differences are I cannot help but see it as the most beautiful piece of life. The variants of our species makes us interesting. The best parts of life come from exploring new people and deciphering their mental and emotional constructs. Some of our greatest problems with ourselves are also some of our greatest strengths. While the world would be quite a bit more simple if we were all robotic and emotionless, we would lose all the beauty in life. Although... if we were nothing but programs and metal... we wouldn't care much, would we?

... I'm talking myself in all kinds of directions here. I'll leave this post here. Point made.
Over and out.

Castle On The Beach

We all start from the same place. A primordial origin of potential in which all scores are even. We all begin at zero. Only then is it acceptable to be there. Only then can we succumb to our basic instincts. Only then can we feel free of expectations. Only then, when we have no capability to understand the beauty of it all.

We are expected to spend all of our days climbing to a higher place. We fight against every other force on earth pushing down on us. Gravity holds a stronger meaning the longer we live, bound to our earth by it. We struggle, first through living, then through dying, just to reach the high point. But nothing is permanent. Our foundations crumble and we all end just trying to fall as gently as possibly back to where we started.

It's easy to say you have no regrets. It's easy to feign happiness while wearing a mask of confidence. It seems effortless to simply say words such as, "trust," "faith," and "love." The value of these pronouncements weigh feebly against the true emotions behind the words. While the thought of helplessly watching while my world comes sinking back into the sea terrifies every fraction of my being, I think I can be okay. So long as I can stand close by, holding onto something real, something earned and truly bound to my heart, I will be content.

These thoughts may be premature, but nothing scares me as much as the thought of dying an incomplete person. And I believe there's no time too soon to begin, or finish piecing yourself together. Because you have no guarantee for tomorrow.

11/11/11 11:11 - My Wish

I made a wish for you. Because you will never know how much I really care about you. Because we've been through so much together. Because of all the late night conversations. Because of the ups. Because of the downs. Because I'm sorry for everything that's happened and I want you to be happy. Because you're one of the closest people to my heart. Because it seems like this is all I have left to give you. Because I can't offer you more. Because I'd do anything for you if I thought it was what you needed. Because you will always be one of my best friends. Because I love you.

I made a wish for you.

It's meant to be shared...

But always keep a piece for yourself.

Make It Happen

I think it's important to have personal goals. Ones not seen by or shared with the rest of the world. Ones that mean something to you and only you. It's easy to get caught up in wanting to please the ones you care about. It's easy to get worn down by the expectations of others. It's easy to get lost trying to impress then world. But step back and take a look at how important it is to impress yourself. The more you appreciate yourself and who you are the more content you will be, despite the views of others. So what if the outside world doesn't approve? So what if the outside world doesn't think you're good enough, smart enough, brave enough, pretty enough... They'll catch on. If you really want to change other people's views of you, you need to start with your own views. Do what it takes to be who you need to be.


"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie the Pooh

Remembering Me

I remember the girl back in high school. Who would say whatever was on her mind. Who used her emotions to relate to people. Who knew how to make people feel how she wanted them to. The girl who was an open book for whoever cared to read into her. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone within arms reach.

But today she's different. And how could you expect anyone to stay the same for that long? Change is good. But sometimes I'm scared I've gone too far. I feel I've grown into a healthy state of mind and sense of awareness. Possibly too aware? It's hard for me to get people to see me for who I am. I look timid. I look weak. I look passive and insecure. I know this. But I am not this. If you could only see just how much fighting I've done. If you had been there as I have you would know I'm just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything being a battle. Yes, I'm quite, but give me a good reason and I'll scream. Yes, I'm an introvert, but attack something I care about and expect altercation. Yes, I'm guarded, but if you're something special and you show me you're sincere, I'll let you into my heart.  I want to make people happy. I can't help that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately this often comes across as me being scared of being uncomfortable, and me being scared of getting hurt. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to feel degraded or desolate. No one wants that. However, those emotions, I can deal with. But can you? I guess I need to have a little more faith in people.

I pretty much had this exact same conversation a few days ago with someone... for some reason it's still on my mind. I guess when someone has a pretty good grasp on your personality any little slip seems like a bigger deal than it probably is. Either way, I suppose I'm on a journey to take a few bricks off the wall around my inhibitions.

<3