Nevermind Me

Bottle up your smile.

Pour it in a cup.

I'll be on my way

... once I've sobered up.

Despair, among other things.

What a strange feeling... I don't want to be alive...
No... No that's not it. I don't want to be awake? ... But that implies I will wake up... I just don't want to be. I'm tired. I'm just overwhelmingly exhausted with life.
Putting the effort into fixing things I didn't mess up.
Forcing myself to feel more or less towards something when I just don't care.
Pretending it all really matters to me.
Being lonely.
Being emotionally abused by life... it must think it's funny..
Anymore I don't actually want specific things to get better. I just want to be done. It's not quite that i want to start over either. I don't. Why would I want to do it all AGAIN. I'm not smart enough to get it right the second time anyway. Probably not if I had a million chances. I know it will only get harder from here. I'm not weak exactly... I've fought through some intense things in this short life. I'm just sick of it. I just don't want to fight for anything else. What's worth fighting for anyway? What is supposed to be making all this worth it?
Love?
... It's love isn't it?
I can't feel it. This time last year I felt love for SO many of my friends. Over the summer I had a select few but I cared for all of them more than anything. Now... Now, I can't. It's so hard to explain I do love them... It's just a never ending battle to feel those connections. It hurts to feel hardly anything back. And I know it's not because people aren't trying to send me those messages... I just can't receive them. I can't manage to will myself into feeling. Even hurt is difficult to feel. It's so tiring I can't even explain properly. I'm just sick and tired of life. I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I just don't.

Lost Dream?

I had a dream last night that I don't think was mine. In the dream I was in a group of people who I knew. There was a tall girl with blonde hair and green eyes who I knew was my best friend. There was a guy there, that I knew I liked... Or had liked. We were all hanging out in someones house. It was a place I was familiar with. I've never seen myself in a dream but I saw me in a mirror and I wasn't myself. Well, not now anyway. I'm fairly certain that last night I had someone elses dream. The only problem with this idea is that the brain doesn't work like that. Does it? We all think of the mind as a self contained unit. The brain doesn't leak thoughts. It seems bizarre to imagine brain waves bouncing around the ionosphere just looking for a receiver for their electric messages. If that were true would people ever be able to finish a thought? Or even have a personality of their own? However, if you go back to the idea of thought simply being electrically powered particles holding information until it can be passed on somewhere else... why should they not get mixed up here and there. If things like the aurora can interfere with radio signals whats to say a radio signal or something of that sort can't interfere with thoughts? I wonder if there was an appearence of the northern lights last night... That seems to be the one way this would make sense. Brain waves surfing on synaptic junctions... Flowing around... and who knows, getting mixed up?

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Help?
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I don't know how to tell you...

... but I want you out of my life.

... but I miss you, and you think I hate you.

... I miss you, but I'm sick of fighting.

... but I'm scared of breaking your heart.

... I want to care about you too.

... but I'm jealous... and don't know why.

... but I won't miss you at all.

... but you mean a lot to me.

... but you'll never make things right.

Utopia

In Litish Britature we got an assignment to create a Utopia. In our group we explored the options and figured the only completely happy society would be run by virtual reality, death or drugs.

In a world run by virtual reality everyone would be hooked up to a computer and live their lives through virtual reality living however they want. We would have robots that harvested food and processed it for us. The robots would also clone people for us. No government would be necessary. No one would be lonely or have issues with other people because they could simply choose their world.

The other thought we had, death is rather simple. We just kill everyone. Let the world go with only animals and whatever other nature. All the humans are just dead.

Our last idea is drugs. We decided if we contaminate the water with systems with drugs people would have no choice but to be happy, and therefore no desire to change anything at all. We’ll create Super Prozac and Mega Ritalin.

Perspective

We all see things differently. Some people can look at a work of art and think, "Wow, that's horrible!" and the next person comes walking by and thinks, "Wow, That's beautiful."

I can say, "Alaska is horrible!" And that doesn't make Alaska horrible for everyone.

I can say, "Damn... That Juice Kid's hott!"(which he is...) But.. it doesn't mean Ashleigh, Caitlin or Allyson will agree.

It's all from where you're seeing it from. Some people see through filters and shadows... other people see through what they see as an open mind. However you see it it always boils down to it being YOU that sees it.

I've been realizing lately that I see things differently from inside my own mind... Mostly appearances. I rarely look at someone and get the sense that they're taller than me. I know.. sure I know how tall they are but standing next to them or speaking to them and I see eye to eye. I also rarely see myself as a certain body image. In my mind I slip into the body image of the person I'm talking to to better understand them. I don't see myself as an image. Mirrors are strange for me... I don't see me necessarily. I see the representation of me that's there every day. I can see what I look like but I don't really connect with it. And I'm certain that nearly every day I look in the mirror I think I see something different than what you might think you see...

Perspective is so confusing...

Finding Nemo

Wrote this a few weeks ago... It was either "delete" or "post" ... So here.

I HATE FINDING NEMO!!!
I don't know why even...
Never mind fuck that yes I do!
- I first saw it with my mother.
- We watched it in Marine Bio.
- Dory reminds me of me.
- It's NOT as good as everyone said it was! IT'S NOT!!!
IT'S A LIE!!!!!!!

You can't write a blog about any of this!!

Life inside a ping pong ball.
The space between countertop tiles.
Bubble wrap.
Garlic
The common cold.
Your mom.
Yesterdays weather.
Other people's dreams.
Office procedures.
Traffic.
The yellow pages.
Scrap-booking
"Just a spoon full of sugar..."
Algeria
Sports Equipment
English cheese
Acetone
Scented candles
Jello
Rubber bands

Emotionally Colorblind

Reading back through the past twp years of emails, myspace comments and messages I discovered something. My plan worked. I was reading back from my big fight with Harry... How passionately I felt for him. How hurt I was. How emotional I let myself get... I saw all the comments my friends left on his blog. They all loved me so much. They all spat hateful words at Harry for all the times they saw me cry.

I read back through e-mails I sent Christian when we were still together. "I can't wait until we're back together. It's the only thing that's keeping me going..." I read back through e-mails from when I hadn't heard from him in a while, "Babe I'm worried... Are you okay? Are we okay? What's going on I'm so lost." I read back through e-mails from when I hadn't heard from him in 4 months. "How could you do this to me? What happened to you and why the fuck don't I get to know?! I deserve at least that!" How painful... How... pathetic.

I read back through some letters/e-mails I never sent to some people... Garrett... Egan... Adam Friend...Joe... And everywhere in those letters there was sadness and Passion and love or hate. How does someone feel that much? I realized then that it was after all of them... all the people just named that I built up a resistance to emotion. I CAN feel it I'm sure... But I don't anymore. There's things I'm stuck with... Family stuff, stress, school...but as far as my friendships and relationships I choose not to get too emotionally involved. I care about my friends.. Yes, I love them... But not like I used to love people. Not the crazy passionate emotion I used to live with. Loving anything "with all my heart" seems impossible.


I feel bad for my Adam friend... he had my back through the issue with Harry when they didn't even know each other. He's been there to listen to me cry over Christian for the past year.. He was there to listen and give advice when I first fell into my new habit. He's been watching it all.. He promised to be the one trying to break down my brick wall... He made it all come together for me to understand. It's all been a series of cruel people and stupid mistakes. And slowly I've been working on getting everyone closed off. He must have known I was waiting for a reason to detach myself from him... he must have known.

I feel like I'm running on auto-pilot these days. Remembering the words I used to describe my emotions is as far as I can get. I'm emotionally def... Emotionally numb... Emotionally frozen. I can see it but I can't feel it. I can't get attached. The feeling of detaching is close right? It's a feeling. I guess I kinda like this. ... I damn well better I've been working for it for years now. It won't last I know that... If I've learned one thing so far it's that all good things must come to an end.

What if it doesn't end though? What if I never care again? Never love, feel happiness, feel affection, feel trust. ... I'd never feel hate, feel anger, feel loneliness, feel heartache. ... Looks like it doesn't really matter. I just don't care. Give me something to actually care about world! Give me a sign... Anything. I used to thrive off personal attachments. I loved being needed by friends. I love needing friends. I'm not needed and I don't need anymore. One extreme to the next. It's peaceful and annoying at the same time. My mind and I are still negotiating a deal on this. I don’t even know what I hope we decide.

WTF...

WTF...

There's this game I like to play when my stomach gets rumbly. I put my phone on vibrate, set it on my stomach and make bets with myself on wether or not I'm getting a text or if I'm just hungry.

I have specific rules of cookie eating. I have to get either 1 or multiples of 3.

If I can't quite wake up and there's ample opportunity I throw myself in the snow( wearing shorts and a tank top) to shock to body awake. Don't believe me? Check my yard.

When I was young I got in trouble a lot of turning photographs around to face the wall because I believed the real people in the pictures could see me through their photo. I still have this fear.

I usually spend the first hour or so of every morning talking to myself about how strange I am for talking to myself for the first hour or so of every morning.

I'm a bit repetitive...Yes.

I love the smells of gasoline, bleach, permanent marker, nail polish, "unscented" hair spray and rubbing alcohol. Bleach is my favorite. I love bleach.

Every day for the past 7 years I've wished the exact same thing twice a day at 11:11. If I mess up the word order I get paranoid.

I think yogurt only tastes good if you eat it with a fork.

It's not uncommon for me to just randomly imagine what a person would taste like if I cooked and ate them.

I like to draw weird things on my face when I get bored. In eyeliner... in face paint... in marker...

... WTF!!

MySpace vs Facebook

MySpace vs. Facebook

The controversy between the two sites is nearly an impossible one to actually come to a conclusion about. I have been on both a lot the past few days and the question of which is better is a futile battle that is somehow important to many people.

One of the main reasons people like MySpace is because of the users ability to personalize their accounts. If your favorite color is green and you want the entire world to know that you can make your whole page glow with the most obnoxious green you can find. To some people this is the main reason to use MySpace, to others this is the reason to stay away. The neat and trim formatting of Facebook is quite an attraction to some. In MySpace the profiles can be hard to navigate around, in Facebook you know where everything is and what it all does with little exception.

It’s hard to judge the sites based fully on popularity. While MySpace has over 110 million registered members(making it more popular by Facebook by far) it’s hard to know how many of the accounts are even used. On average only about 50% of the account on MySpace pick up any activity within a 30 day period. Also on MySpace there are band pages, groups, people with multiple accounts and other accounts not linked directly to a particular user. Is this necessarily a bad thing though? If my computer were better I know I would spend a lot of time looking through the band pages and the like. The application of music is what draws a lot of people into MySpace to begin with.

There is little argument as to which site is more secure. You know when your prude friend sends half the people on her list a link to “come see my boobs!” she is a victim to one of MySpace many hackers. Almost everyone’s account has been hacked into at some point. This doesn’t seem to happen often in Facebook. It is also hard for MySpace to escape it’s reputation as an online predator congregational revelry unit. The stupid 12 year old girls who post pictures of themselves sucking off popsicles in their bathrooms get themselves in trouble flirting with psychos. Just because MySpace has a history of stupid users doesn’t automatically make every user a 12 year old whore. MySpace does have some bad reputations fallowing it around but from my own experience I can say that it’s not hard at all to avoid that kind of MySpace scene.

For those of you that have had MySpace for a number of years, you know it has slowly been adding applications making it more appealing to Facebook users. One of the main draws Facebook once had was their format of keeping up photos. Unlimited photos are now a part of the MySpace set-up as well. Also MySpace adopted the function of photo tagging a while back which was another lure Facebook possessed. Photo Albums were also added, replicating the arrangement of Facebook.

Many people would argue that the news feed on Facebook is far superior to that of MySpace. Most Facebook users have spent a large amount of time at some point just waiting to see when someone comments on the same photo as you or waiting for someone to comment on their status update. It’s true that you can keep tabs on other people’s activity on Facebook. This may or may not be a good thing. I personally don’t like my comments to someone being posted on everyone’s news feed, but it is an appeal to many people. On MySpace you can chose which of your friends you want to receive a news feed about. On Facebook you receive a constant update of what everyone is doing.

As I see it the two sites are slowly turning into each other. More and more people feel the drag towards face book as it grows in popularity. That’s why half of us got a MySpace right? We don’t want to be left out of the fun. But now the competition is growing and the two sites take bits and pieces of the other to make it easier for people to choose their sites. Soon enough they’ll be the same site with different names. Or.. The same site all together. FaceSpace, Spacebook, MyFace.

Senior Ball

I couldn't find a date. No one would dance with me. ... Stupid Juice Kid... lol.. I was the only one in the group to not get a superlative. People before ball we in lame moods. The DJ sucked. I had a headache the whole time....

I was always determined Senior Ball would be amazing. Bleh... I can't wait to be out of high school.