What is it about him,

that makes me care so much? Evey idea, every opinion, every word is important. The fewer the words the more important. It all effects the way I think and I just don't know why. I want to never lose contact with him. But at the exact same time I want to disappear from his life. I don't know why. It's not admiration, lust, jealousy or spite. Makes me want to be a better person. Makes me want to go back and erase all the mistakes. Makes me want to fall apart. Lose myself. I want to say, "See! You didn't fallow me! You didn't care! I knew it!" ... But I don't know that. I know that wouldn't happen and I love him for that. But I want it to happen anyway. I want to find a flaw in the pristine being he is. I want to be friends with him because he's so perfect. And I don't know why. I'm not crazy, I know it's unjustifiable. I know it's ridiculous. I know I have no reason to feel any of it. But I do. and I don't know why. I've only acted on this once. And it was stupid. I felt like an idiot. So now they're just thoughts in my head. Nothing more. But if I were him I would want to know. But he wouldn't... How about you? Would you want to know? Please answer.

Gives them all a bad name.

It's a truth we can't escape, our world is full of social prejudice. However we can't escape knowing that some biases are justly placed. Keenan and I were at Chena Hot Springs this weekend and not even a minute after we sat down in the hot tub this guy gets in... well, stumbled in. He nearly fell on me on his way down. He sits down after gaining coordination, and starts talking to us. It's very easy to tell that the guy is drunk. And one of the first things he tells us is he's in the military. Soon after that he's telling us about "getting lucky last weekend." We humor him for a while. Just when I'm starting to feel uncomfortably hot and wanting to go outside he calls his friend over. His friend (also in the military) has two blood-shot eyes... The kind that comes from broken blood vessels. Bright red. They tell us how he got in a fight in a bar a few weeks ago. And how they were no longer allowed in. After a little more small talk they ask us about ourselves, Keenan said he was in collage and they talked about that for a minute. Then the first guy to get into hot tub, Steve, asks, "What about you?" I say, "Well, I haven't made it to collage yet but I plan on it." Steve says (very loudly) "HIGH SCHOOL!!" and then he and his blood-shot friend high five. At this point I am really wishing to leave, too hot. Keenan just stood up and leaned against the railing. Me, being in a hot tub with three guy, two of them being drunk crude GIs, didn't think it was a good idea to stand up and lean anywhere. The next topic Steve and his buddy come to is how much "Fairbanks hates the military." They can't figure out why people don't like them or how they get their bad name. "F*ck you Fairbanks!" .... If you can't see the irony in this at this point, trying reading this through again... lol

'Repitivie Patten Phobia' or 'Textophobia' ... Makes my skin crawl.

It's a phobia that hasn't been in my life long. At least not to this degree. Texture. Bumps, holes, indents, ridges, ruffles. All close together. I think it might be the fact that I can't see the whole surface.. I don't know if there's something in there, behind the bumps, behind every little edge. I don't like small moving things, and something about extreme tiny textures forces my mind to imagine something coming out of them. Even if I KNOW there's nothing in there, behind there what have you, I can't touch the thing. My bare skin cannot make contact. So even if nothing is emerging, I find it frightening in a sense. I've looked this up online and found next to nothing. I know there's other people with the weird fear. One of my friends actually has it too. The topic came up today when sponge at work. I wasn't freaked out about it... probably because I'm too used to them. But it sparked my interest on how I can be completely unable to touch these kind of textures, but I can get used to them individually? If this were any kind of real problem in my life I think I could probably familiarize myself with objects I don't like enough to where they didn't gross me out anymore... But I'm not about to even try that.

This is keenan writing now. See, emily didn't want to look at the page after she put the honeycomb picture up lol. Her fear mostly lies in organic textures, (bone marrow, shriveled things, sunflower centers, fish scales etc etc). This phobia is not as bad as her toe touching phobia.... don't ever touch her toes

Me, Myself, I and Emily Robyn.

I can't tell if I've changed into someone so different that it's just taking a long time to catch up to... Or if this me just won't connect with the rest of Me's the way myself once did with Emily. I know myself hasn't changed all that much. But I have. It's hard to see if you're not this Emily. It's not even seen. Felt. Or... Not felt. I just do not feel in tune with me. Like my emotions are sitting on a shelf neatly lined up and evenly spaced. And then there's me on the other wall. With my blond poofy hair and my blue blue eyes. Lined up among the other people. Other "Emily's." There's a clear space between me and the emotions of myself. Easy to see, hard to reach. I've always wanted to be a part of something. Half a couple. Part of a team. Someone's best friend. But now I want me to know myself. I want to be the two parts of me combined. I want to fill the space between with whatever's missing. Collage. Independence. Health. Faith. I don't know what goes in the space but I know I'll need that bridge at some point...

Allergies

So about two months ago I had some blood drawn. The doctors idea was that my skin issues might be brought on be a food allergy. So I payed like $300 to get my blood tested and I'm allergic to:

Yeast.
Eggs.
Cranberries.
Flour.
Mushrooms.
Wheat.
Whey.
Red Grapes.
Cheese.

And I don't understand completely but there's something about an intolerance to large amounts of sugar and dairy.

Which leaves me with meat and veggies mostly. A lot of fruits too, but for one reason or another my doctor is asking that I go three weeks without eating anything but meant and vegetables. same I live off fruit and bread... Fortunately she said it's probably not ALL of these hurting my skin.. I suggested I just stop eating one at a time.. But apparently it can take up to a week for a food allergy reaction to occur after you've actually eaten it. So.. it would take s while to do all that. Hopefully I can narrow it down to just one or two of these that I need to avoid. Or just changing my diet to MOSTLY meat and vegetables, but not cutting everything else out. We'll see. Basically I'm annoyed. If I have to choose between good skin and good food... I'll probably go for the good skin but that would make the rest of my life annoying. or not.. lol I actually have no idea it's just bothersome right now. Anyway, I'm off to eat another potato.