Words, Names, Labels

What they call you is one thing...

What you answer to is another.

Accidental Poem

I should have known all along...
That you'd be the one to make things clear
That you'd be the one to raise this fear
You'd be the one to prove me wrong.

Oops.?

My Words

I'm having a hard time putting these thoughts into words. Words aren't my strength, I spend so much time molding and shaping my speech. Trying to find the right angles, trying to catch the light in just the right way. When some people talk their words twist and spiral around your throat, constricting the very air your breath. When some people talk, their words just float away and dissipate like smoke, When I talk my words collect in a thick cloud around my head. I add pieces here, pieces there. I fill in the blank places with stuffing and fluff. I speak in fog. Fighting the speech of smoke, the speech of rain, the speech of tear gas... We don't all speak the same language. I don't speak what makes sense to me. I'm no artist.

I've Been Waiting

Thinking of him makes me sad. Being happy reminds me of him. What I thought we had was a lie, and the love I received was fake... but the way he made me feel, that was real. Am I still in love? ... No. I can't say that I am. I feel love, but it's changed. I do not need him anymore. I want to though. I don't hurt like I used to. Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I despise him. Sometimes I'm just lonely. I feel a longing for companionship from time to time. I look back in bitterness at the sweet memories I have. But no, I don't hurt anymore. No, I am not in love.

I've been waiting so long.

Paradise

We sat on the beach, to watch the sunset. grabbed some mats to sit on and our sweatshirts, forgetting we were in Hawaii. We walked through the sand, straining our muscles and enjoying the cool, softness of the sand. We sat down and looked up at the sky, loving it. We took pictures and walked in the water crashing upon the shore. Even the ocean water felt warm to me. Our feet covered in salt and sand we sat back, looking up at the sky. Watching as, one by one, the stars came out. The lights in the distance faded, the colors becoming darker. I layed back and marveled at the majesty of the moment. I felt so close to the sky. If I jumped high enough, I could reach up at scoop some of the stars into my hands. The street lights behind us cast shadows of the tress onto the beach where we sat. The sounds of the crashing waves echoed from the wall of trees. And we lay there, not saying a word, not caring about a thing. We lay in the sand watching the unfamiliar sky form around us until we feared we'd fall asleep there on the beach. We laughed and sang our way back up the hill. I hope I never forget this night.

Free Of You

Wow.. I wrote this blog way too fast. Needed to get this off my chest. Hope you understand =)

It's great. I mean even if we don't talk for long periods of time I still always felt you were a burden upon me. Now, now I feel free. I don't know why. Maybe because I finally told you exactly how I feel... maybe. Who knows. It's great yo be able to get a text from you and just delete it. Who knows what it said... who cares? lol I don't. You're going to tell everyone everything you can. You're going to try and hurt me and ruin things for me.. I'm sure of it. You'll say "well I wasn't going to but in your blog you said so so I did!" Or you'll justify it some way like that I dunno. Thing is you can't reach me. I guess I don't care if you ever understand that... I'm becoming happy. I really am, and no thanks to you.. it's all gotten better since you left. Since you stopped guilting me into things. Since you stopped making me feel like a bad person. Since you stopped complaining at me. I've improved. I've grown. You probably don't agree. But what do you know? lol What did you ever know?? You never did anything but hold me back or hurt me. Guess who has control over my life now? Me. You "wanted to make me happy." and wanted to "help." well then it should put a smile on your face to hear that I'm good. I'm sorry for the drama. I'm sorry for bringing this all up. I'm sorry you couldn't handle my first texts. I was being nice until you responded. By now you should know I'm fine until I'm provoked.

This is me apologizing to you for anything you ever thought I did to hurt you. This is me apologizing for accidentally hurting you whenever that may have happened. This is me... apologizing for not being honest with you all of the time.

This is me apologizing to myself for letting so much happen. This is me apologizing for treating myself like crap. This is me, setting myself free.

You probably won't even read this. I know sometimes you do. And after the "conversation" we just had you're probably looking for ways to hurt me. Like you think I do. *sigh* ... We could have been great. When our friendship was good it was amazing. But it's not worth it you know? In the long run we've always hurt each other more than we've helped. I've never been enough for you. And You've always intimidated me too much. I've grown from you that's for sure... I hope you've learned something from me. You can be mad at me. not that you need my permission but here it is... Why be angry though? What will that solve for you? It never got me anywhere. I kinda feel bad now because you're probably all mad... I just don't have the temper I used to have. I don't have the ability to be that angry. You told my secrets to the world, you lied to me... It just makes you slowly erase from my heart. Not worth any of the effort I put into you, because you've always been the same to me. Nice to my face, gossiping behind my back. Telling my secrets. Breaking your promises. It won't surprise me when you do the same thing this time. Whatever... It doesn't matter. I wasted my time writing this probably. I could post a blog confessing my undying love to you and you'd find a way to interpret that as "fuck you i hope you die" lol... Oy... Later homie. I'm sure this isn't done.. but I want it to be. I'm sure you do to. So.. we're done. I'm happy, and you... won? lol I dunno. Peace.

Emily is slowly moving forward.

Slowly: My favorite speed.

Forward: My favorite direction.

I'm in a good place.

ssshhhh.....

I don't want to jinx myself... so I won't say what I'm thinking.

But it's nice.

I can't say it. Not a good idea...

It makes me smile...

Like this =)

But I won't explain.

Life would take it away if I started talking about it.

I don't want that. Because this makes me happy.

SSSHHHH.....

Redeeming Love

I just finsihed this book... Redeeming Love. And To anyone and everyone who reads my blog, READ THIS BOOK!!! It's my new favorite. The story a of girl who feels she has nothing to offer... and the man who is deternined to help her break down the walls she built against the rest of man kind. She learns to love... until fear of her emotions overwhelms her and she returns to her former life. It's basically a retelling of the biblical story of Gomer and Hosea.

I personally found a connection with this book that set it very near to my heart. I'm not going to bother explaining that because it's a bit of a streatch and.. personal I guess. But I'm gonna try to get as many people as I can to read it.

So, READ IT!!! =P

Dear... You,

It's odd how you can make me feel terrible when you're not trying at all. No one makes me feel quite as inferior and self conscience as you do... and again, you don't even try. It really confuses me how a person can have that effect on me... when we're not even that close. I can't even find a way to sneak in a "this is to you" in this blog without telling everyone else. It's not your intention... but I feel ashamed of myself because of you, often. Why is this...??

And why are you ALWAYS represented in green in my blogs?? lol

I don't get you. Or me. Us? ... Whatever.

I love you.