"Frankly my dear..."

"She just doesn't like you."

"I always got the impression you were kind of a slut in high school."

"You said you don't normally make a good first impression. ... I'm gonna have to agree with that."

"You're just unpleasant to be around."

These are all things that have been expressed to me about myself and my life in the past few weeks. They hurt to hear but hearing these statements helps me a lot. I have some serious work to do. Most of my personality has been formed by my need and want to be loved. And it's led me to this. A life where only a very few select people seek my company. I've been standing in this uncomfortable and confining box for far too long. Goodbye limits! Goodbye over-abundance of self control! Goodbye insecurities! Because you know what world? I'm young. I'm beautiful. I'm interesting and I'm fun. Maybe not in the ways you're looking for. Maybe not in the ways you expect. But I am everything I need to be. I just need to find it all within myself. And I will. And when I do I'm not going running after anyone looking for approval. Because I don't give a damn what you think.

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Gravity Be Dammed

Things are confusing, hectic and difficult lately. I'm losing and gaining and compromising left and right. Nearly all aspects of my life the way I knew it three months ago have changed. I'm succeeding and failing in places I didn't previously know even existed. Times are hard... And times are great. I'm getting all this crazy exposure and I can feel it rounding out the jagged edges of my life. I have a long way to go and I honestly would not have it any other way. I've learned to love new things and people while learning I can still love the things I've lost and am losing with respect and appreciation for how they've helped shape my life. I've opened up my heart and mind to the idea of possibility. What is gone isn't lost and what is not yet or ever present still exists. I love life. More than that I love MY life. And all the little attached or broken pieces. Life is looking up.


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Catch and Release

I'm not going to shed a single tear for this. Another missed opportunity. Another name to add to the list of "what ifs." One more fish in the sea. But I can accept this. I didn't get a chance to know you very well, but I know enough to see you as a beautiful human being. It's sad. It's frustrating. Also, it's not a big deal. I have other options and better things coming. But loneliness wasn't my motivation. You were. I'm not writing this off completely. The future is a mystery and I wouldn't doubt our paths will cross one day. Until then, if then exists, I'm content just knowing I live in the same world as you. That thought alone makes things a little brighter.


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Just ranting. Will probably delete later.

You may have fooled me at the time, but given 24hours thought on the conversation shed some new light. You tried disguising your insecurities with yourself in concern for me. "How are you going to handle this?" "We don't want you to get hurt." "You're awfully young." ... Like anyone cares that much about someone they just met. I'll be fine I'm a big girl, I know what I'm getting into and I fully understand the risks involved. Yes, this is confusing and new but since when is new a bad thing?? Yes, I have conflicting emotions... So what? You're not the one who has to feel them. You kept imying that I don't know what I want and I contradict myself. That may be but you know who else doesn't know how I feel or what I want?? You. So don't you dare pull this mothering, protective bull shit on me. Babe, I'm not buying it. You demand all this truth from me but you're hiding your real emotions under this transparent blanket of condescending insults. I gave you full control of the situation and you're abusing it to the best of your abilities. The reason you have complete control? You deserve it and obviously have the right to it. This much, I know and accept. But if you want to take advantage the way you are you better know you're disapointing more than just me. If you want me gone, fine I'm gone. But at least have the nerve to realize it for what it is. You don't believe me, but I don't need this. Just say the word. I can handle it. I'm only 20, but I'm not a god damn child.

Happiness vs Love

I know what I want... But I'm kind of hoping I can't have it. The one thing standing in my way is starting to feel like a blessing... Maybe I'm not just scared. Maybe I know what's good for me and for once I'm telling myself to protect me. Me, before anyone else. Maybe this time together isn't enough. No matter how safe it is, no matter how direct the situation is, no matter how right it feels... Maybe this time I'm not willing to be another kind of miserable. Love and happiness are not the same thing.

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Jealousy

What is jealousy really? To me jealousy is a lot like anger. A mixture of other emotions we've given a name to. If I break down my feelings of jealousy I'm left looking fear straight in the eye.


I'm afraid you like her better than me.
I'm afraid what I have won't support me as well as what you have.
I'm afraid he's having more fun than me.
I'm afraid she's prettier.

And why am I afraid? I want the best life for myself that I can manage. Every little piece counts. Fear drives us to better ourselves and our state of being in life. Without fear we have a harder time getting where we want to be. Fear and jealousy are powerful driving forces. Giving into them can either be harmful or helpful. Depending on how you face them. The important thing is that you do face them.


And I want you to know that in the process of writing this blog I changed my own mind.


... That complicates things. Dang it.

Who's morals are these?

I never thought I would be in this position. This is one of those places in life that has always seemed so black and white. And suddenly I'm standing in a giant, confusing blob of gray. I'm torn between what I've grown up believing, and what feels right. The social norm clashes so comically with the logical yet twisted reasonings of this situation. I can't help but to laugh. At the same time however, I can see this with a potentially harmful end. But the normal routs leading to companionship and happiness rarely work for me. Maybe it is time to branch out. I'm making no rash decisions.