It's Settled

After many late nights, tossing and turning...
After years wondering and wishing...
After all the confusion, stress and agony...

I've finally found a solution.

I've decided to live forever.

Suck it.

Esprit De Corps

To be alone is one of the most feared fates of mankind. Some fear isolation above all else. Above failure, above pain and even above death. Without companionship we don't feel human. We don't feel safe. Without love in our hearts our negative thoughts and feelings bounce off the walls, piercing and reverberating through our very bones. The cushion of friendship saves us from ourselves. We need each other. We know we need each other. Yet somehow this is a world filled with lonely hearts. An incommodious bubble of disarray, collectively filing and floating through the waves of humanity without a clue as to where we will land. All of us, searching for the same thing. We're all a little scared. We're all a little lost. And from time to time it is good to remember that we all, recurrently, feel loneliness enter our hearts. While you may feel lonesome, you can be sure that in that, you are not alone.

Dialectics

Lately I've been torn between two seemingly right conflicting actions. I've tried picking the more correct choice and there isn't one. I tried choosing the lesser of the two evils and that too, led me straight to a dead end. I've danced around it every way possible. But here I am... realizing that there has to be some bad with every good. Like a yin and yang. A day and night. There is a dark side to every situation. A shadowed corner in every human soul. Thing is, life ain't no either-or proposition. It's give and take. The good and bad merging into us as one. You can run but you can't hide. My conclusion, face the darkness. Challenge it. Become it. Take control of it. Own it. When asked to dance with your dark abettor, stare it in the eye and howl a sure and confident "Yes!" Pack up your bright side and your good intentions, strap them to your back and head off on an adventure.

Home

I have an odd perception of "home" I think. I don't know if I've ever felt "home." My parents house was always uncomfortable. I felt bad vibes in that place since I can remember. And The last few years I was there, I can't remember a time I really wanted to be there. I'm sure there were times I enjoyed myself. But I can't pick any out. My immediate family is all I've ever known. Mom, Dad and Brother. Pamela, Frank and Aaron. But apparently, home, to me, is not family.

After my parent's place I moved into "The Heezy." This was a great idea at the start. Allyson had been my friend for 17 years. She was the closest thing I'd ever known to a sister. Caitlin and I had always gotten along great. The three of us together used to have so much fun. And they seemed to have their shit together. Shortly after moving in there I realized I had been blinded by the glamor of freedom to realize the reunion was a foolish idea. We were in different places in our lives. Me, trying to get everything together. Testing myself and my freedom and maturity. Them, blowing off steam and living it day by day. Testing their limits. I could only take so much of it and soon realized to me, home is not freedom.

After escaping The Heezy I moved into Fairview with Timmy. This has been a bit of an adventure. And quite a relief after my last living situation. We get along great and I can't say I have a better friend then him. I've tried to make the place comfortable. At least somewhat. However, there really is only so much you can do with Fairview Manor. It is relieving to know Timmy will be there. Sooner or later I will run into one of my best friends. And he's one of the only people I can open up to lately. I've been house sitting the past few days. And already when I refer to going there I say I'm going "home." Apparently home, to me, is not relief.

I guess to me "home" is wherever I sleep. Where my essentials are kept. A place to take a shower and charge my phone. "Home" is an illusion. Nothing more. At least, for now.

The feeling of being "at home" I understand. When I reach out for an attachment to the phrase images come to mind. On the phone with Adam late at night. Riding around blaring music with Lavina, Timmy and David. Sitting on the bridge in the summer. Sitting on the pipeline in the woods, watching the sunset. Sitting on the grass downtown, talking with Marc. Watching glee at the Sabo's with the gang. My feeling of being "at home" is a collage of moments. Beautiful, touching, memorable moments. I may have no sense of  "home" But the feeling of being there will do for now.

Maybe this time...

He makes me:

Smile

Laugh

Blush

Hope

Dream

Feel

Excited

Nervous

Grateful

Comfortable

He makes me happy.

Happy

Feeling good again. I only wish there were more comfort in happiness. I'm just always scared it's going to go away as fast as it always comes. As it always does. But I'm trying to enjoy it. Trying to not be scared. Live in the moment for once. And just be content. Better than content. Happy. =)