It's been too long.

I had a dream last night that he was there. Everyone was there... But he was next to me. I tried to leave but he put his hand on my shoulder. He held me there. And Everyone was pretending not to notice. All my best friends were there. I looked over at Hannah and Sam and they looked away. He leaned in and started talking to me. I don't know what he was saying but it hurt. I tried to get up but he held me there. His voice got angrier and angrier. I kept hoping someone would say or do something. I started crying. I looked across the room at Adam and he just stared at me. I looked at Marc and he looked away. His voice got louder and angrier...

Then I woke up. Crying. Terrified.
It makes me feel so pathetic.

When will this go away?

Missplaced

Lately I just feel out of place everywhere I go. Like I've always felt out of place in my family.. That's one of the things I thought moving out would help me with. But I met up with Allyson and Caitlin a few days ago and I don't think I can connect with them like I used to. They didn't have a single story that didn't involve getting "SO fucked up." I'm not saying they're bad people they just have a completely different outlook on life than I do. They made me feel like such an uninteresting person. So I can tell already that being around them is going to get a little unnerving... Apart from living situations I don't feel in place with my friends. They're all in Collage... I am missing a big part of their lives. I don't feel like I fit in with them. I also work with a family. Mother, two daughters and a cousin. I guess there's David. But our shifts never match up. And he's far less than friendly anyway. When I'm not working I'm often over at Keenan's. And clearly I'm the odd man out there. lol The thing about functional families... I guess I just feel like the black sheep of wherever I go. It doesn't bother me a whole bunch. It just gets old not being a real part of anything. My feet are firmly on the ground these days. I just don't have a comfortable place to stand. =/

Importance

I understand now.

It's hard to be friends with someone depressed.

It's hard to be friends with someone boring.

It's hard to be the only one who CAN be there.

It's hard trying to be the "perfect friend."

It's hard. Very hard.

But worth it.

Not Alone

Here I am, sitting alone in this cafe. Been here for a while. about 9 hours actually. I'm writing, alone, snuggled up with my computer and my hot cocoa.

I wonder how many more of "me" there are in the world right now.
How many sitting in cafe corners on their computers.

Sipping a hot drink.

Waiting for something interesting to happen.

Perfectly content in sitting, waiting, watching.

How many people are wishing their fake nails are gone by now?
How many people are chewing this same type of gum I just spit out?
Or wearing this ring?
Or feeling this way?
How many people are listening to this same song?
How many people miss their best friend?
How many people just don't wanna go home?
How many people want to be accomplishing something beyond their means?
How many people are sure that they were meant to do something much, much more important? Like helping someone.

Or saving someone.

Stopping someone from doing something stupid or harmful.

How Many people are having a hard time comprehending this worlds twisted laws and "normalities"?
How many people believe in something better?

Something no one has even thought of before....

How many people are OUT there?
How many people can call themselves people at all?
How many people can hear me?

Not if I scream.
Not if I become famous.
Not even if I publish this blog.

How many people can HEAR me.

People who can relate?
Listen.
Feel.
Understand.




I think everyone can.
Everyone is.
We can't help ourselves.
Why do we try so damn hard?

One New Message

Late at night when I should be sleeping I often pick up my phone and look through my contacts, finding memories to match everyone in my phone book. It makes me feel closer to people I don't see anymore to have them a push of a button away. But that push of a button is another story entirely. I should be asleep, my boy just left and I feel like texting someone. Someone who knows my current life story. Someone who can level with me and share opinions. Someone who isn't going to blow me off or say something rude. Someone I can trust. And I know everyone who reads this is going to be like, "Hey, you can always text me!" But honestly, am I the one you go to in the middle of the night? How much do you actually know about the dynamics of my world as of the recent months? How close are we? I'll just set my phone down for now. Thank goodness for blogs.