My Turn

It's MY turn! Someday soon it'll be ME who leaves someone! It'll be ME who drops someone like a hot rock and walks away without reason! Next time I'll break your heart. I'll hurt you! Whoever "you" are... I've had enough. There's been far to many of you... and there's not much left of me to give anymore. I'm so small these days.. You've all taken so much. Maybe I want a turn. Maybe I'll take some of you for myself and give nothing back. I'll build myself up and ignore your needs. Sound fair?? of course not, but it's MY turn dammit! I'll hurt you. I'll make you feel dead inside. I'll make you feel like you're worthless, like you don't matter...

... No... I won't. ... I couldn't do that. I love you. Whoever you are. I'd feel too bad. I'd feel it just as much. But one day... One day I'll stop hurting from you. ... One day someone will take me with them when they leave.

I'd like that.

Lines

A huge part of any human relationship with another person is knowing where to draw the lines. There's the friend you talk to if you happen to be sitting next to each other on a bus randomly one day... Then there's the friend you tell your deepest secrets to and see or talk to every day no matter what. There's the friend you can talk to in school but you wouldn't hang out with outside of it. Then there's the friend you occasionally casually sleep with when no one's around. ... Okay I'm taking this too far. My point is you have no know where to place the lines. It's dangerous because no friendship places their lines at the exact same point.. Sometimes crossing a line is what brings you to your next level in a relationship... sometimes it's what tears everything apart. If it were all the same no one would ever fight or break up or stop being friends. Nothing would really happen much. A problem I have is not knowing where the lines go. I'm usually scared to move them forward or get to close to them. When I cross a line I jump over it I think. I wish it were all more visual.. like if we could somehow literally place lines... But wait.. that doesn't make sense. ... This is the point where my blog tails off... disappears in the shadows... fades into the distance... uh, ... yeah...

Sad...

My best friends:
Lavina
Caitlin
Adam 1
Adam 2
Allyson
Hannah


I realized how sad my closest friendships are.

Lavina- Today she pointed out how her and I are only ever around each other when we have to be. It's totally true.

Caitlin- Kinda stopped talking to me so much. Like.. we're still friends but not like it was. And she never tells me anything about her relationships. At all.

Adam 1- Haven't seen in like 6 months. Doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first. We only text like twice a week for about 10 minutes.

Adam 2- We wouldn't be friends at all if either of us didn't have texting.

Allyson- Pretty much lost all contact. Until her boyfriend and her broke up. Now we're friends again... I should be upset, but mostly I'm just happy to help.

Hannah- We've never hung out outside of school. And I don't know if she even considers me a close friend.

What ever happened to depth? Love? ... Emotion?
*sigh* I think I like being lonely. (no sarcasm) I've just come to realize that I've distanced myself... mostly by myself. I know why. But... When will it stop?

You're Grand

What gives you the right to say the things you do? You're a hypocrite and you know it! You think just because you screwed up your own life so much you should move on to give OTHER people advice? I guess I understand it almost... I mean you don't want other people making your mistakes. But really, you need to realize they need to experience it to learn the lesson. But what is it you do to people... How come you change the best people into people like you? It isn't intentional.. but you do it! Stop making failure look so glamorous... You know it isn't. the only person you need to fool is yourself. I guess... if it makes you feel better...

Where do you think you're taking your life? Who are you taking with you?... I know the answers. Nowhere and No one. You're a piece of work...

As for your little secret. C'mon... how would you react if ANYONE told you something like that?? And you wonder why it hurts you... I guess I just don't see what you're getting out of any of it. You see it though. Somewhere in there. Please, explain to me if you can.

You know they're right don't you? The things they say are true... Listen to people for once in your life!! It WON'T kill you! ... Or will it? Your own self criticism is too much for you to handle sometimes. You don't like yourself. We all know that. Understand this, if you don't like yourself you do things that make other people dislike you.

I'm here for you. I really am but you won't listen to me much. You won't get in tune with me. I'm not trying to take you from your friends.. or push you at other ones. I'm not trying to change who you are.. That's up to you.

Listen closely

Do you hear that? That's the sound of my world falling apart.





.... No? Try again.

Listen.







Still nothing? No turbulent waves of sorrow? No sanity losing control and crashing? No Spiral of despair? No frantic breathing and horrified screams grieving for the shattered remains of hopes and dreams?

… No?



Well What about this.. ssshhhh... Listen closely!







Yes?

No... okay... If you just... hold your breath! Close your eyes! Now listen.





No? No happiness? No pleasure? No laughter, music, emotion, love, joy?! Nothing at all!?





No... You can't hear it. You won't.

Who am I without you?

Who am I if I have to hear this alone?

What have I become?

My Family

My family's confusing... The 4 of us.. Mom, Dad, Aaron and Emily. The best explanation f my family is sitting in my driveway. My brother's truck is red. My fathers truck is red. My mothers car is red. My car is black... the three of them are all lined up together facing the house... Mine's up the driveway a bit, behind a tree, facing away from the house.

My mom's my least favorite... She's not a good person. Not a good parent. In 8th grade we got in a fight and she didn't talk to me for 3 months. A parent holding a grudge against her 14 year old daughter... Mature mom... real mature.. And Summer before Junior year she got mad at me.. for no reason really.. I was grounded. For me grounded meant I didn't leave my house AT ALL for a month and a half. And no one in my house talked to me. At all... Keep in mind this was right after Christian moved. I was falling apart in every way and my mom knew that.. So she kept me away from anyone who could possibly help. ... All I wanted to do was see Allyson... or Harry... But no... I fell into depression.. First time I ever SERIOUSLY cut myself.. I showed my mom... She laughed. ... My mom is a terrible person. I have no respect for her.

My dad's my favorite. That's not really saying much but he is. He's smart and funny when he wants to be. He's also rude and hurtful when he feels like it. The one thing I think I'll always remember my dad saying is, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself." ... I don't enjoy complaining... It's me calling out for help. But my dad's never seen that. I can tell him anything... anything at all and if it's a complaint I'm "feeling sorry for myself." He's also a push over with my mom... Whatever she says goes. If she's mad at me, so is he... because she tells him not to show me affection. I've heard her say it. Another thing I'll remember my dad saying is, "Your opinion doesn't matter." ... And that's just the way it is for me.

My Brother... Oh boy.. He's 21. He's a horrible influence and he's selfish as hell. In the past 4 years we've only had 5 conversations about my life. I started counting in 8th grade just for fun... turned out to be easier to count than I thought so I kept going. He's good at getting himself in trouble. He'll die from drug abuse or alcohol poisoning.. I'm sure of it. He's weak. I'll blame my parents for that one... They idolize their little boy. Treat him like a prince. He's been spoiled and loved since he was born... He got his heart broken his junior year and he fell apart... started doing drugs, fighting, drinking, lieing.. but my parents were there for him.. Still cared for him.. I got my heart broken and they did absolutely nothing. I don't know why they adore him. He's not a good person either.

I don't like my family... They don't like me. We all know it. We all say it. I've felt completely abandoned by them since I started middle school. I think that's why I get so upset when I lose friends. My friends were the closest thing I've had to a family... But I've realized that my friends don't have families that openly hate their guts.... and I can't expect them to be my family. I've been working on my issues... I try not to get attached as people... I really want connections with people because I don't get them at home... I'm kind of needy I guess. I like to love. But it hurts. I love my family... I don't like them, I have no respect for them but I love them. I know that only because they hurt me so bad. It wouldn't hurt if I didn't care. I dream of having my own family one day... doing it right and feeling needed and loved. It'd be nice. But mostly I'm too scared of screwing it up like my parents to want a family at all. I don't want to hurt anyone like this. It's not fair to treat someone that way when they can't escape. I'll feel wanted one day... I'll be loved... I'll be needed, trusted and cared for.... At least, I hope so..

I'll sleep on it

I had a really good dream a few nights ago... I was happy in it and things were going really well for me. I hate waking up from dreams like that. Happy dreams are the worst because you always just have to go back into a less satisfying world.

But when dreams come true... Doesn't happen often but wow.. amazing huh? I had a dream come true once. I dreamed about someone... a really vague dream but eventually the guy of my dreams showed up.. then he left. Never said goodbye but he came back in a dream and said it. "Will you be here when I wake up?" "Only in your heart babe... Always, in your heart." And that's all I have. That's all I'll ever have..

I dreamed I was happy. And I will be... How? I don't know. I have ideas. I have hopes. No one likes hearing me complain all the time. Trust me I don't enjoy it either. There's some simple answers to what would make me happy. However getting there is difficult. That dream is kind of haunting me... Things were so good. I was happy. I had friends. I had a boyfriend. There's got to be a way to be happy.. Even if I can't make my dream come true. Bleh... I'll sleep on it.


A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

You wouldn't understand

I know a lot of people get frustrated with me because I don't open up so easily. I get close to people and I trust them but I'm still guarded.. There's still a wall. If you were me you'd have that wall too. I've opened up to 5 people about the worst and most difficult parts of my life. Only 1 of those people is still in my life today. Imagine how it feels for the people who knows the most about you to hate you or not talk to you. How can a person be comfortable with that? Also there's a lot more to me than a person might think. I know EVERYONE has a lot of little secrets and they don't tell they're Friends everything. But.. if I tried to explain how much shit I'm going through that no one knows about it'd just sound like I was bragging or something.. I'm not looking for attention, the opposite actually... I want people to understand that it's because I care about my friendships that I don't tell them everything going on. Because no one wants to be friends with someone who has that much shit in their life. You'll probably all say you would.. you want to help... But when my daily life consists of doing things that goes against the values you most believe a person should have.... I like people to think I'm a good person. So I don't open my world up for people to look at. I could explain it all but that would take more effort and energy than I have. There have been a few people who have complained lately that I don't tell them everything. Well this is why. I'm embarrassed. I'm scared. And I care too much about my friendships.

Hypocrites (an angry blog)

I LOVED how Friday when a few of us decided to leave the group to get away.. get a break it somehow turned into Emily you're wrong for not spending every second of every day in the same spot of the school! The people who dipped the fuck out last year were fine. The people who aren't ALWAYS there this year aren't doing anything wrong but if I do anything slightly out of the ordinary it's not okay. Maybe I needed a day away from the people who make me feel bad about myself. Maybe I needed to not feel like an idiot. Maybe I didn't feel like being annoyed by the pathetic low maturity level.. Maybe I wanted some quiet. What the hell is wrong with that?! People freaking the fuck out about me trying to help myself! Me leaving for a bit doesn't help anyone... Well what if I don't care FOR ONCE about helping someone else? What if for one single day I try to do what's best for me. That's right, it's STILL wrong!! I don't care. Fuck off. If you have a problem with it talk to someone else about it behind my back because I won't give a shit. It's my business. I'm not hurting anyone.

You know if this is directed at you. Trust me. I'm not lashing out on everyone.

My Scar

Little line... Tiny really. But it's there. I'm sick of it. Dance partners turning my hand over... doctors taking my pulse... Boyfriends holding my hand. All things that cause me embarrassment. Why? Because I hated my life. Because he left me. Because she hated me. I was alone anyway, who would care? To this day I wonder from time to time how things would be without me. Suicidal? No. Not anymore. I don't know what changed. I grew up I guess. I was ashamed. Still am. I wouldn't post this but it's not like you all haven't seen. *sigh* Stupid scar... It haunts me.


To save you all time I'll make fun of myself:
Psh what am I Harry Potter?! (lol quote by Allyson)

Please

Someone... Anyone... Take me away?

It must be nice...

... to be Marc.

To have such a high opinion of yourself that very little fazes you.

Someone says something rude, and it doesn't matter because they probably could have said it with more bite if they had your way with words.

To think, I'm the shit. And for there to not be a single thing anyone can do to PROVE you wrong.

Don't need a job, don't hate your family life or your friends...

To only really try when you feel like it.

For your extra mile to be a trip around the world.

To have the ability to make someone feel however you feel about them. To burst out with an opinion, and have in accepted... because it's you.

For the ONLY person willing to argue with you for long to be Laura!

To win. ... Always.

.... Must be nice.

Is this what they wanted?

I wrote a myspace bulletin this morning. One of those top friends surveys. This one happened to be on my top 4. Ashley, Adam, Lavina and Caitlin. I used to love doing those surveys because it reminded me how amazing my friends were and how much fun I had being in their lives. This time however as I read back over the bulletin I realized how depressing my answers were...
Here's some examples:

Why is number 1 your number 1? Habit really
When did you last talk to your number 2 in person? Few months ago
Have you talked to any of them today? not yet. I'll probably talk to Lavina and maybe Caitlin.. through text
When your crying, who do you call? no one
Which one was the last one in your house? uh.. I think caitlin was at my house once for like 2 seconds last year

Last year I got mad when I lost all my friends. By the end of the year the only friends that cared enough to stick around were Allyson, Caitlin, Hannah and Kylie. I thought I was mad because I was lonely... But really my feelings were just hurt. Like when a person you didn't REALLY like breaks up with you... it still hurts because it's a direct insult to you as a person. Last year I felt abandoned... Christian left, my mom moved for like 3 months, my best Friend stopped talking to me and slowly everyone else left too. This year I get annoyed when people are too close. I like my time alone. I guess it's because of last year. I'm so incredibly resentful of what happened that I don't even want people to be close to me. Currently the only friend I have that hasn't hurt me in some way is Caitlin. And no I'm not saying I'm holding every little grudge I could possibly hold. I don't care if you hate me or talk shit about me... That's your issue. I just generally feel that people aren't really worth my dedication or affection. Again, I don't want people to take this too seriously I'm NOT saying I don't love some of you I just don't feel connections or obligations. I don't owe anyone a damn thing. But in all honesty I'd like to. I'd like to have a Friend return the feelings I once tried to give them. I'd like someone to try and understand why I've become so numb to friendship. No one feels close to me, so I feel close to no one. I've given up fighting for friendships. If they're good friends you shouldn't have to fight. And never once has someone met me half way. It's always me putting my heart and soul into something that only matters to me. I hadn't really analyzed it this much until now. I love my friends. I love being with them and I do wish I was closer to them. But yes, I've lost faith in that happening and I don't expect it at all.

Sorry Lavina... Here you go. ... For reals.

Now that Lavina already posted a blog about clouds this is less cool but.. Shlina kept telling me to post a blog I wrote(this one) that I just hadn't posted yet... I took some of it out but this is basically it.

A while ago I was talking to Lavina. She was asking me why I was doing something... I gave a VERY vague answer. She said to me, "You're like a cloud!"

Why?...


-- "A visible body of very fine water droplets or ice particles suspended in the atmosphere at altitudes ranging up to several miles above sea level."

-- "Something that darkens or fills with gloom."

-- "Something that obscures."

-- "Suspicion or a charge affecting a reputation."

-- "Imaginary; unreal; fanciful."


Okay... I guess I can see it. In our conversation she said it was hard to understand me or get me to be clear. I told her if I got too clear and solid I get scared of storming and raining on people. I guess this works pretty well. Obscure, unreal, darkens... Everyone asks me why I draw away from my friends when life gets complicated. Wouldn't it make more sense to bring them closer? ... I realize the effect I have on people and I don't like it... I like to be part of the scenery. Like a fluffy, beautiful cloud in the sky on a hot summer day. When I feel myself becoming weighed down I drift away from other people so I don't ruin there day with darkness and drama. Like a cloud I start light.. as time goes on I carry more and more with me until I explode and let it all out until I feel relieved of some stress. ... I'd rather be a pretty, nice part of someones day than the rain on their parade or the dark sky over their picnic.

Here you go Lavina

So a little while ago one of my friends told me, "no way omg:" and then... the space pirates were after the excentric heroine, our far fetched and slightly distubred, Emiliy.....not releated to your friend of course, good heavens no, STOP MAKING IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU LAVINA!!!

where was I? not here, for i am the narrator, the man who tells the story, ah yes, so this chick in space, and pirates after her, i dunno sex joke to booty >_> anywhos, yeah she laid some mines down and using awesome powers of hiding she made the mines almost disapper and then and then and then, when the pirates came one was like "click" and the pirate man dude looked down and was like D: WHO WOULD DO THAT?! COME ON!@@@ and he bleweded up.

but the rest of the pirates were hot on her trail, even though they were in space...and its actually not hot....nor is there sound, so theres not going to be any of that crappy space sounds you fucktwad. goddamn learn some fucking science....

so with these pirates on her tail, she ducks into an asteriod belt, this messed ed up there radar, then there was a crackle over the radio. Her mum had gotten scared, and said, " You'r moving in with your Aunt and uncle in Bel-air. So she whistled for a space taxi and when it came nere there where space dice in the mirrior and she said damn this is rare, but naw fuck it nigga, YO HOLMES TO BEL-AIR! she pulleed up to the planet in about 700 or 800 parsecs and said to the taxi Yo holmes Smell ya later. She looked around at the planet of Bel-Air and said, "I hear by elect, Dweasle, the government Cat, ^_9

My goodword Miss Emilily I hear by thank you for promoting to such a staunch and respected position, I dub thee king of Bel-Air, so our odd herion hero took her seat as the king of bel air...

THE END!@ HOLY FUCK YOU NKOW YUO LOVED THAT DAKN+DAMN STORY FUCK MAN@

I’m sensing a theme.

It’s funny how you go about your life feeling like you’re the only person who feels the way you do. Sure you may think that other people feel sadness, happiness, fear or love…. But do they feel it like you? Do they think like you do? No of course not, that would be impossible! No one understands you and no one ever will!

Or maybe we’re all just far too alike to see that we have anything in common at all. This year I’ve had very few serious talks with people. I’m not close to many people. But when the chances spring up and I get into an in depth conversation about how someone feels it all boils down to everyone feeling alone this year. Everyone feels detached, separated and forgotten. We’re all alone… together.

… You’d think it’d be comforting.

Jeffery,

do I look like I belong on the back of a camel?


I just wanted to take this small moment out of my day to declare my departure from this worlds realm of sanity.

Thank you and goodnight.