New Years Resolution

This used to be my favorite holiday. It really did. Slowly things have just gotten really lame. 4 years ago Allyson was here, we watched Family Guy, ate noodles and had way too much fun. Year after at midnight I was at Caitlin's, with all my best friends and in the arms of Christian. Last year I was at Caitlin's.. and it was kinda lame. Caitlin, Allyson, Joe and I were the group. This year I'm sitting at home on my computer writing a blog wishing things could be better.
Better...
Better...... Yes. My New Years resolution. Better. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better Friend. I want to feel better about myself. I want life to get better. I'm not going to get any more specific because that will just end in me feeling like a failure. I don't want to be a failure anymore. I want to get better.

Screams

... and then I drove to the bottom of that dead end road, parked, turned off my lights and screamed. I screamed until my muscles cramped up, my ears popped and I could taste the blood in my throat. I clenched my hands into tight fists, brought my legs up, curled into a little ball and screamed into my knees. No words. No need for them. Raw emotion. My head throbbing with anger and hate pulsating through my veins. And I just kept screaming.

&sheRambles

Don't bother trying to see if you're one of these people... They might not even exist.

I wish you’d respect my wishes.I miss you.I hate you.You’re a horrible person.Remember that time…I need you.Forgive me.I’m sorry.What’s wrong with you.I want to help.Why won’t you help me.Give it up.Please believe me.Why’d you hurt me like that.Ask me what I think.I was lying.

Come back.Call me.Forget me.Ignore it all.Don’t read it.I just want you to be happy.You keep me alive.I don’t need you.I’m glad you’re gone.I did’t want you to know.Who needs you anyway.Listen to me dammitI love you.

Notice me.Find me.Help me.Get away.What can I do.You don’t even exist.I’ll do anything.I can be useful.I can love.I wish you could.Come understand me.Let me talk at you.Overlook me.I’m not here.I’m being kind.Make my life better.You have the power.I don’t need you.

Dante

My dog died yesterday. They put him to sleep without telling me...
wtf.
='(

Can't be fixed

"Everyone has the same problem once they get close to you. We can't fix you."

Dear World,
I've never asked anyone to fix me. But I can see how if you care about someone you'll want to. Or if you're close to someone you feel the obligation. I guess that really is how I lose all my closest friends. I'm frustrating because I don't like myself, I have problems and the only one who can fix any of it is me. And I don't bother... My biggest problem with friends is that I'm me. ... Somethings got to change. I generally feel if people REALLY want to be my friend they can be. But, I'm done fighting stupid battles. The root of the problem is always my flawed personality. I'm sorry I exist world!! I'm sorry I'm here!! I try not to hurt people. I care more about other people than I could ever care for myself. That's a good thing in other people... It's a bad thing in me. I'm sorry the rules don't apply to me. I'm sorry I'm too screwed up to make you feel good about yourself.

Fuck you.

IDK

I feel bad when I make people worry. You'd think it would be nice to know they care enough to worry. But it doesn't. I don't know what I want from people... I want them to leave me alone most of the time. But, damn you all for not being in my life. I've been trying to analyze myself. I guess I want there to be someone already close, already informed and trusted to be here for me. I have a lot of people who I trust to certain degrees, and I love a lot of my Friends dearly... but, I guess I'm wearing too many masks to give anyone a chance to really understand me. I don't want to tell anyone my whole story. I hate my whole story and I can't see anyone being accepting of it. It's probably wrong to assume that.. give them the benefit of the doubt emily! ... I'm scared. I miss some of my old friends... All but one walked away from me first. So there's no real point in trying to get them back. The one I walked away from probably doesn't care anymore. And even if he did... so much drama... I want to be someones favorite. I miss being someones number 1. Or, feeling like people really want me around. I'm quite a burden. I realize that. The emotional, irrational emily.

Yesterday I got to thinking about how amazing it would be to just leave here. If you could just move on with your life, start a new one. If after I do or don't graduate I just say, "goodbye life, it was interesting, time to move on!" But no... it's got to be the same life huh? It all get carried with you. Becomes a part of you.

I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want them to leave me alone or be my best friends. I don't know if I miss him, or if I'm glad the worst has finally got to be over. I don't know if I want to like that one guy... Or if I'm smarter than that. I just don't know.

Not Graduating?

I failed brit lit. Wonderfull. lets see I've failed: Photo, Euro 2 semesters, american lit, alg 1, brit lit... 8 classes. I've made up 1. ... I can't afford correspondance. I'm screwed. My life... Seriously reaching one of the all time low standards. ...I wish I could just quit.

I shouldn't drive

I've had my license for about 8 months. I've been hit 3 times. Once by the cat woman. Once in an intersection in my mom's van. And today, in the parking lot at school. My poor car.. It must hate me. I hate driving. I never do anything wrong. and in all the cases there's not even anything I can do to prevent the damage... people just don't multitask... THINK AND DRIVE AT THE SAME TIME!!! SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD!

Advice from East

When asked the question, "What's the meaning of Emily's life" Mr. East responded with, "It all kind of depends... Emily is an interesting character. She needs to stop picking guys and enjoy her life with her friends and take care of business, tackle problems, not avoid them."

He's close... Need to "stop picking guys".. Well yeah, I've been single for 6 months. My main goal in life lately has been to stay away from relationships. Check!

"Enjoy her life with friends." Well jee, maybe if my friends were a little more accepting I could talk to them about myself, and then I'd feel more comfortable around them. I don't enjoy my friends if i don't feel a connection with them. And, I can't feel connections with people who're mean to me or accepting.

"Tackle problems, not avoid them." Good idea I guess. With my personality not the best advice maybe... I try to tackle my problems but it always ends up in me getting lost in them and the only way out is to avoid them. The main problem is I'm weak willed and care very little about myself.

I wish there was still someone in my life who understood me to give me advice. I appreciate the thoughts... I don't even understand me. i don't really expect anyone else to.

parsnip

A few months ago a spider was climbing up my wall...
I smashed it with a shoe.

It's still there.

Then and Now

Three years ago. Freshman year... I had decent grades. I didn't sleep much.. my best friends were Allyson, Sam, Avi at times.. Loved the dance team with all my heart. Wanted to stick to it forever. No job. No relationship. No car. But I was happy.

Two years ago. Sophmore year... My grades sucked. I was in Euro. I had been dating Chirstian for a couple months. I was in love. I wasn't dancing.. My grades were too lame. And I missed it more than I knew I could miss anything. Best friends were Allyson, Caitlin, Timmy and Shelby.. Starting to become friends with Harry.

A year ago. Junior year... My grades.. eh, not TOO bad. My heart, falling apart. My best freind Harry, but things were starting to fall appart. Still good friends with Allyson, Caitlin. I was dancing again. Getting ready to go to competition in Utah. I lived for it.

This year. Senior year... Grades, all over the place. Heart, broken. I dance, but it's not much fun anymore. Frustrating mostly. No relationship. I refuse. best friends... It changes with the day. But I'm not very close to anyone. Anyone gets to close and I push them away...

Can I go back to Freshman year and try this again?

Interesting.

I just had this random feeling that it would be pretty amazing feeling if someone just took my apart and put me back together.

Analysis:

I don't feel real. As I imagine it I don't see blood or any kind of gore. mainly I see myself as a Barbie or a Mr. Potato Head...

Maybe I do see it hurting... the things that hurt the most end up helping us the most. ... mmm, I don't think that's it.

Maybe I'm not put together right. I feel like there's a reason everything goes wrong in my life. Chances are if everything goes wrong in MY life... It probably has something to do with me... Simple enough. Maybe if I was put back together something would connect right.. I'd be fixed.

Everyone Deserves Explanations

I can't seem to get my thoughts around the right words to explain how I feel towards you. I was trying to help... I knew it was a bad idea.. but I didn't want you hurt. Somehow me doing that ended in me being the one who doesn't care and can't be trusted. ... I'm at a loss... You said you decided to ignore it.. forget about it or something.. Oh good, my risk at my own expense ends up only changing things between you and I. I know you'll say it's only changing because I'm making it. Well... I need it to change. You asked if we could just be friends... Hasn't that been the problem question for years? Lately things have changed... I know it's not the same for you. But my emotions changed a lot because of it. Okay, I'm jealous. Happy? Again, I bet this whole thing is all my fault in one way or another. Have you ever noticed that NOTHING is ever your fault?? *Sigh* ... You said you could have used me today. Well how about all those days when you really could have if you wanted to and didn't. It only ever seems to be when we're fighting that you suddenly need me. ... I'm not feeling guilty about it anymore. I refuse. You say you COULD have used me. ... I miss being needed. And I'm tired of being used. I wish you could see it from my point of view. But you won't... Yes it hurts me. Happy? Yes, I was up all night crying. Happy? Yes, I care about you. Happy? Yes, You have the power to control my emotions and make me feel however bad you feel I should feel... Happy? .... You used to help me. Then you just stopped. You just gave up thinking of me like that. You've always hurt me. But in the past there was a reason to look beyond it. What about now? ... What do I have to help me look past the hurt? I'm having problems and you know that... even though you know it you won't give me a break... you won't give me some slack.. or some help.. It's not always about you. And right now I can't stand it being about you anymore. ... This is where my decision comes from.. I am sorry. You may not believe me but I'm sorry.

Dear Santa,

This year for Christmas I don't want any material object. I want true and complete happiness. I know this is a lot.. but I think I've been... as good as I could have been under the circumstances this year. There's many steps to this Christmas wish..

1- I want my boys back. All the guys who I put all my effort into and then they left me when they didn't need me anymore. I want them back. I want to be needed again. Make Christian talk to me. Fix my uncertainty with Adam. Give Adam 2 his cell phone back. Bring me Harry. I miss Joe...

2- For me to be completely happy I need some things with my friends to change. Caitlin needs to have better luck with vehicles! It's getting ridiculous. She needs better luck, that's where we can start. Next, Hannah needs an extra couple good friends.. a boy too maybe.. someone who will treat her how she deserves to be treated. Fix Allyson's heart please. Don't let Lavina lose anything more. Throw some joy into Sam's life. Kylie could use a few extra good friends too. Let Ashleigh have her boy. Make Ashley's parents more accepting.

3- I'm going to need a few extra little things okay? Courage, self esteem.. little things like that alright?

4- Medically, we have ourselves a challenge. Santa I don't want doctors, those are expensive just bring me a Christmas miracle of health. You do that right?

Bring all this together and I might be able to handle life a little better... I can't change any of this stuff by myself. I can't get help with any of it. I need a miracle. I may not have been the best person this year, but I've kept my head above water for the most part. I'm trying, that deserves something right? Santa, I know your Schedule is busy and you have a LOT to do in the nest few weeks, but if you happen to get things done early, I'd really appreciate some help in my life.

Sincerely,
Emily Borecki

Solitude

Marc showed this poem to me last year.. He said it reminded him of me.

Solitude
By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,—
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Random

What do you think would cost more? Busy bodies or annoyance?

Is there any meaning in random thoughts?

Do you ever just get really pissed off at wheat bread?


-Parenthetical me-

Imperceptible me. Tenacious me. Neglectful, impractical, entertaining, despondent, uncertain, detested and unrelenting me. Enchanting, ambiguous, vivacious, scheming, mysterious me...


Yes?

"Adam Friend"

I don't have the courage to send this directly to him. It's less nerve racking to just leave it to chance that he might read this randomly.

Dear Adam,

Where are you? What happened with us? I can't actually decide whose fault it is that we don't talk anymore. I know how it started. I messed up. But I messed up me! It had nothing to do with you. But yes, I messed up. I can understand your frustration but... what ever happened to always being there for me? I don't even know what's been going on with you... Apart from the obvious issues of space and time(and phone phobias...) I just don't feel like I'm allowed to talk to you anymore. I get the vibe you WANT this. ... Adam I miss you. Sometimes when I'm having a breakdown and crying all over myself I consider calling you, texting you... But I don't. I won't. You were my best friend. You knew everything. Now you know absolutely nothing! And it feels weird to call you friend. Show me a sign. Give me a hint. I'm drowning. You've made it onto my list of every other guy in my life. You gave up... at least, I think you did. I have to tell you, I gave up on you right back. It feels horrible.

Wish I could be...

... part of your world.

I watched The Little Mermaid last night. At the end of the movie I cried for about half an hour.
It just isn't fair. Her lover boy risks his life for her, saves her(and everyone else) and in the end she gets to be with him because her father loves her just that much. Happily ever after.

My family hates me and I lost my prince!

I always think I'm over it. It never seems real until it hits me that hard. How, HOW can I STILL curl up in a little ball and scream and cry and feel complete and total agony... because he's gone? I dig deep inside my heart and find a hole. An empty space. I have to ask myself what was even there to begin with?! A pretty face... A compassionate romance... A caring soul... A detached person... A secretive being... A shy and timid child... A liar... I cheater... A coward. ... My Prince? Ugh I try again and again to convince myself he's not worth hurting over. It doesn't work I gave him everything I had. I promised love... forever. A word to the wise never feel any emotion with ALL your heart. When it leaves you're left with nothing. I'm still pulling myself back together. I'm still suffering and hurting. There's no possible way to explain it. Every time I hear our song I have to tear my mind away from thoughts of him. Late at night when I'm feeling lonely and have no one to talk to I think of him.. and I cry. I see him walking up those stairs at the airport... I see him waking up to the kiss I gave him... I see him holding me in his arms and telling me how much he loves me... And I see myself, alone, tortured and forgotten. It's been a year and a half since I last saw him! Why can't I forget??! Why can't I move on!!? Why won't it stop hurting!!?! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of him!! Anything before him doesn't matter. And, neither does anything in the future. Because he's not in it... I have no reason to still love him. He'd think I'm a horrible fool if he knew how I felt. He doesn't love me. He doesn't like me, think about me or care what the fuck happens to me! He's moved on. It doesn't hurt him. ...I always knew he was a super hero. We used to say we both were... Super heroes don't fall apart like I have.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Do I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I haven't forgotten anything about him... Anything at all. My mind won't let me. Someone find me a new prince. I feel like Sleeping beauty.. I'm trapped. Immobile until my Prince comes and releases me from my spell. It sounds SO dumb to say this stuff.. I'm 18!!! But hey... I found love. I lost love. I'll never be a Disney Princess. I'll never be that happy. *sigh* I want to get away. I want someone to take me away. I've been struggling through this pain alone for too long.. I want love. I miss love. Yes, thank you Lavina I know I have a bouquet of freaks to pick from. And yes, thank you Chris, believe it or not I HAVE noticed I'm the only one who hasn't been in a relationship this year. ... I don't think people realize how unbearable my life is to me. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I feel empty and lonely. I feel useless and unimportant. But.. I am strong. I will make it one way or another. I just wish I had some help. I wish I had a Flounder to swing through life with... A cheery tea set to sing to me and give me advice... A guardian dragon to make things fun and give me motivation. ...Stupid Disney. I'm alone. I lost my prince. I don't have those companions. I'm Bell before the beast. I'm Cinderella before the fairy god mother(and without the mice I guess). I'm Aurora, trapped in the woods, living as a peasant girl. But hey.. I can dream right? What else do I have?

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I can't say it- Part 2

Person 1- You're SO absorbed in your own issues you can't ACTUALLY see problems other people are having as real problems at all! You're a pain in the ass. and you're NOT nice!! You're a snooty, self centered jerk.

Person 2- You're a fool. If you would just listen to me your life would make more sense to you. I'm sure of it. Shit, listen to anyone else... Anyone but her.

Person 3- I gave up on you. I tend to do that when people give up on me.

Person 4- Get out of my head. I'm sick of you being there and I have no right to let you be there anyway. I'm over it. Now go away! Even farther away than you are!

Person 5- I still think of you a lot. Not as much... but I still wonder if you think about me too.

Person 6- I don't like being used. Stop. I won't always be here for you to cry on.

Person 7- Just leave. I beg you... Just leave my life. Leave me alone... I don't have the courage to tell you I hate you being in my life.

Person 8- Pathetic... How much I want to just tell you you're a horrible friend... It's... Pathetic. That's the only word that fits.

My Turn

It's MY turn! Someday soon it'll be ME who leaves someone! It'll be ME who drops someone like a hot rock and walks away without reason! Next time I'll break your heart. I'll hurt you! Whoever "you" are... I've had enough. There's been far to many of you... and there's not much left of me to give anymore. I'm so small these days.. You've all taken so much. Maybe I want a turn. Maybe I'll take some of you for myself and give nothing back. I'll build myself up and ignore your needs. Sound fair?? of course not, but it's MY turn dammit! I'll hurt you. I'll make you feel dead inside. I'll make you feel like you're worthless, like you don't matter...

... No... I won't. ... I couldn't do that. I love you. Whoever you are. I'd feel too bad. I'd feel it just as much. But one day... One day I'll stop hurting from you. ... One day someone will take me with them when they leave.

I'd like that.

Lines

A huge part of any human relationship with another person is knowing where to draw the lines. There's the friend you talk to if you happen to be sitting next to each other on a bus randomly one day... Then there's the friend you tell your deepest secrets to and see or talk to every day no matter what. There's the friend you can talk to in school but you wouldn't hang out with outside of it. Then there's the friend you occasionally casually sleep with when no one's around. ... Okay I'm taking this too far. My point is you have no know where to place the lines. It's dangerous because no friendship places their lines at the exact same point.. Sometimes crossing a line is what brings you to your next level in a relationship... sometimes it's what tears everything apart. If it were all the same no one would ever fight or break up or stop being friends. Nothing would really happen much. A problem I have is not knowing where the lines go. I'm usually scared to move them forward or get to close to them. When I cross a line I jump over it I think. I wish it were all more visual.. like if we could somehow literally place lines... But wait.. that doesn't make sense. ... This is the point where my blog tails off... disappears in the shadows... fades into the distance... uh, ... yeah...

Sad...

My best friends:
Lavina
Caitlin
Adam 1
Adam 2
Allyson
Hannah


I realized how sad my closest friendships are.

Lavina- Today she pointed out how her and I are only ever around each other when we have to be. It's totally true.

Caitlin- Kinda stopped talking to me so much. Like.. we're still friends but not like it was. And she never tells me anything about her relationships. At all.

Adam 1- Haven't seen in like 6 months. Doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first. We only text like twice a week for about 10 minutes.

Adam 2- We wouldn't be friends at all if either of us didn't have texting.

Allyson- Pretty much lost all contact. Until her boyfriend and her broke up. Now we're friends again... I should be upset, but mostly I'm just happy to help.

Hannah- We've never hung out outside of school. And I don't know if she even considers me a close friend.

What ever happened to depth? Love? ... Emotion?
*sigh* I think I like being lonely. (no sarcasm) I've just come to realize that I've distanced myself... mostly by myself. I know why. But... When will it stop?

You're Grand

What gives you the right to say the things you do? You're a hypocrite and you know it! You think just because you screwed up your own life so much you should move on to give OTHER people advice? I guess I understand it almost... I mean you don't want other people making your mistakes. But really, you need to realize they need to experience it to learn the lesson. But what is it you do to people... How come you change the best people into people like you? It isn't intentional.. but you do it! Stop making failure look so glamorous... You know it isn't. the only person you need to fool is yourself. I guess... if it makes you feel better...

Where do you think you're taking your life? Who are you taking with you?... I know the answers. Nowhere and No one. You're a piece of work...

As for your little secret. C'mon... how would you react if ANYONE told you something like that?? And you wonder why it hurts you... I guess I just don't see what you're getting out of any of it. You see it though. Somewhere in there. Please, explain to me if you can.

You know they're right don't you? The things they say are true... Listen to people for once in your life!! It WON'T kill you! ... Or will it? Your own self criticism is too much for you to handle sometimes. You don't like yourself. We all know that. Understand this, if you don't like yourself you do things that make other people dislike you.

I'm here for you. I really am but you won't listen to me much. You won't get in tune with me. I'm not trying to take you from your friends.. or push you at other ones. I'm not trying to change who you are.. That's up to you.

Listen closely

Do you hear that? That's the sound of my world falling apart.





.... No? Try again.

Listen.







Still nothing? No turbulent waves of sorrow? No sanity losing control and crashing? No Spiral of despair? No frantic breathing and horrified screams grieving for the shattered remains of hopes and dreams?

… No?



Well What about this.. ssshhhh... Listen closely!







Yes?

No... okay... If you just... hold your breath! Close your eyes! Now listen.





No? No happiness? No pleasure? No laughter, music, emotion, love, joy?! Nothing at all!?





No... You can't hear it. You won't.

Who am I without you?

Who am I if I have to hear this alone?

What have I become?

My Family

My family's confusing... The 4 of us.. Mom, Dad, Aaron and Emily. The best explanation f my family is sitting in my driveway. My brother's truck is red. My fathers truck is red. My mothers car is red. My car is black... the three of them are all lined up together facing the house... Mine's up the driveway a bit, behind a tree, facing away from the house.

My mom's my least favorite... She's not a good person. Not a good parent. In 8th grade we got in a fight and she didn't talk to me for 3 months. A parent holding a grudge against her 14 year old daughter... Mature mom... real mature.. And Summer before Junior year she got mad at me.. for no reason really.. I was grounded. For me grounded meant I didn't leave my house AT ALL for a month and a half. And no one in my house talked to me. At all... Keep in mind this was right after Christian moved. I was falling apart in every way and my mom knew that.. So she kept me away from anyone who could possibly help. ... All I wanted to do was see Allyson... or Harry... But no... I fell into depression.. First time I ever SERIOUSLY cut myself.. I showed my mom... She laughed. ... My mom is a terrible person. I have no respect for her.

My dad's my favorite. That's not really saying much but he is. He's smart and funny when he wants to be. He's also rude and hurtful when he feels like it. The one thing I think I'll always remember my dad saying is, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself." ... I don't enjoy complaining... It's me calling out for help. But my dad's never seen that. I can tell him anything... anything at all and if it's a complaint I'm "feeling sorry for myself." He's also a push over with my mom... Whatever she says goes. If she's mad at me, so is he... because she tells him not to show me affection. I've heard her say it. Another thing I'll remember my dad saying is, "Your opinion doesn't matter." ... And that's just the way it is for me.

My Brother... Oh boy.. He's 21. He's a horrible influence and he's selfish as hell. In the past 4 years we've only had 5 conversations about my life. I started counting in 8th grade just for fun... turned out to be easier to count than I thought so I kept going. He's good at getting himself in trouble. He'll die from drug abuse or alcohol poisoning.. I'm sure of it. He's weak. I'll blame my parents for that one... They idolize their little boy. Treat him like a prince. He's been spoiled and loved since he was born... He got his heart broken his junior year and he fell apart... started doing drugs, fighting, drinking, lieing.. but my parents were there for him.. Still cared for him.. I got my heart broken and they did absolutely nothing. I don't know why they adore him. He's not a good person either.

I don't like my family... They don't like me. We all know it. We all say it. I've felt completely abandoned by them since I started middle school. I think that's why I get so upset when I lose friends. My friends were the closest thing I've had to a family... But I've realized that my friends don't have families that openly hate their guts.... and I can't expect them to be my family. I've been working on my issues... I try not to get attached as people... I really want connections with people because I don't get them at home... I'm kind of needy I guess. I like to love. But it hurts. I love my family... I don't like them, I have no respect for them but I love them. I know that only because they hurt me so bad. It wouldn't hurt if I didn't care. I dream of having my own family one day... doing it right and feeling needed and loved. It'd be nice. But mostly I'm too scared of screwing it up like my parents to want a family at all. I don't want to hurt anyone like this. It's not fair to treat someone that way when they can't escape. I'll feel wanted one day... I'll be loved... I'll be needed, trusted and cared for.... At least, I hope so..

I'll sleep on it

I had a really good dream a few nights ago... I was happy in it and things were going really well for me. I hate waking up from dreams like that. Happy dreams are the worst because you always just have to go back into a less satisfying world.

But when dreams come true... Doesn't happen often but wow.. amazing huh? I had a dream come true once. I dreamed about someone... a really vague dream but eventually the guy of my dreams showed up.. then he left. Never said goodbye but he came back in a dream and said it. "Will you be here when I wake up?" "Only in your heart babe... Always, in your heart." And that's all I have. That's all I'll ever have..

I dreamed I was happy. And I will be... How? I don't know. I have ideas. I have hopes. No one likes hearing me complain all the time. Trust me I don't enjoy it either. There's some simple answers to what would make me happy. However getting there is difficult. That dream is kind of haunting me... Things were so good. I was happy. I had friends. I had a boyfriend. There's got to be a way to be happy.. Even if I can't make my dream come true. Bleh... I'll sleep on it.


A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

You wouldn't understand

I know a lot of people get frustrated with me because I don't open up so easily. I get close to people and I trust them but I'm still guarded.. There's still a wall. If you were me you'd have that wall too. I've opened up to 5 people about the worst and most difficult parts of my life. Only 1 of those people is still in my life today. Imagine how it feels for the people who knows the most about you to hate you or not talk to you. How can a person be comfortable with that? Also there's a lot more to me than a person might think. I know EVERYONE has a lot of little secrets and they don't tell they're Friends everything. But.. if I tried to explain how much shit I'm going through that no one knows about it'd just sound like I was bragging or something.. I'm not looking for attention, the opposite actually... I want people to understand that it's because I care about my friendships that I don't tell them everything going on. Because no one wants to be friends with someone who has that much shit in their life. You'll probably all say you would.. you want to help... But when my daily life consists of doing things that goes against the values you most believe a person should have.... I like people to think I'm a good person. So I don't open my world up for people to look at. I could explain it all but that would take more effort and energy than I have. There have been a few people who have complained lately that I don't tell them everything. Well this is why. I'm embarrassed. I'm scared. And I care too much about my friendships.

Hypocrites (an angry blog)

I LOVED how Friday when a few of us decided to leave the group to get away.. get a break it somehow turned into Emily you're wrong for not spending every second of every day in the same spot of the school! The people who dipped the fuck out last year were fine. The people who aren't ALWAYS there this year aren't doing anything wrong but if I do anything slightly out of the ordinary it's not okay. Maybe I needed a day away from the people who make me feel bad about myself. Maybe I needed to not feel like an idiot. Maybe I didn't feel like being annoyed by the pathetic low maturity level.. Maybe I wanted some quiet. What the hell is wrong with that?! People freaking the fuck out about me trying to help myself! Me leaving for a bit doesn't help anyone... Well what if I don't care FOR ONCE about helping someone else? What if for one single day I try to do what's best for me. That's right, it's STILL wrong!! I don't care. Fuck off. If you have a problem with it talk to someone else about it behind my back because I won't give a shit. It's my business. I'm not hurting anyone.

You know if this is directed at you. Trust me. I'm not lashing out on everyone.

My Scar

Little line... Tiny really. But it's there. I'm sick of it. Dance partners turning my hand over... doctors taking my pulse... Boyfriends holding my hand. All things that cause me embarrassment. Why? Because I hated my life. Because he left me. Because she hated me. I was alone anyway, who would care? To this day I wonder from time to time how things would be without me. Suicidal? No. Not anymore. I don't know what changed. I grew up I guess. I was ashamed. Still am. I wouldn't post this but it's not like you all haven't seen. *sigh* Stupid scar... It haunts me.


To save you all time I'll make fun of myself:
Psh what am I Harry Potter?! (lol quote by Allyson)

Please

Someone... Anyone... Take me away?

It must be nice...

... to be Marc.

To have such a high opinion of yourself that very little fazes you.

Someone says something rude, and it doesn't matter because they probably could have said it with more bite if they had your way with words.

To think, I'm the shit. And for there to not be a single thing anyone can do to PROVE you wrong.

Don't need a job, don't hate your family life or your friends...

To only really try when you feel like it.

For your extra mile to be a trip around the world.

To have the ability to make someone feel however you feel about them. To burst out with an opinion, and have in accepted... because it's you.

For the ONLY person willing to argue with you for long to be Laura!

To win. ... Always.

.... Must be nice.

Is this what they wanted?

I wrote a myspace bulletin this morning. One of those top friends surveys. This one happened to be on my top 4. Ashley, Adam, Lavina and Caitlin. I used to love doing those surveys because it reminded me how amazing my friends were and how much fun I had being in their lives. This time however as I read back over the bulletin I realized how depressing my answers were...
Here's some examples:

Why is number 1 your number 1? Habit really
When did you last talk to your number 2 in person? Few months ago
Have you talked to any of them today? not yet. I'll probably talk to Lavina and maybe Caitlin.. through text
When your crying, who do you call? no one
Which one was the last one in your house? uh.. I think caitlin was at my house once for like 2 seconds last year

Last year I got mad when I lost all my friends. By the end of the year the only friends that cared enough to stick around were Allyson, Caitlin, Hannah and Kylie. I thought I was mad because I was lonely... But really my feelings were just hurt. Like when a person you didn't REALLY like breaks up with you... it still hurts because it's a direct insult to you as a person. Last year I felt abandoned... Christian left, my mom moved for like 3 months, my best Friend stopped talking to me and slowly everyone else left too. This year I get annoyed when people are too close. I like my time alone. I guess it's because of last year. I'm so incredibly resentful of what happened that I don't even want people to be close to me. Currently the only friend I have that hasn't hurt me in some way is Caitlin. And no I'm not saying I'm holding every little grudge I could possibly hold. I don't care if you hate me or talk shit about me... That's your issue. I just generally feel that people aren't really worth my dedication or affection. Again, I don't want people to take this too seriously I'm NOT saying I don't love some of you I just don't feel connections or obligations. I don't owe anyone a damn thing. But in all honesty I'd like to. I'd like to have a Friend return the feelings I once tried to give them. I'd like someone to try and understand why I've become so numb to friendship. No one feels close to me, so I feel close to no one. I've given up fighting for friendships. If they're good friends you shouldn't have to fight. And never once has someone met me half way. It's always me putting my heart and soul into something that only matters to me. I hadn't really analyzed it this much until now. I love my friends. I love being with them and I do wish I was closer to them. But yes, I've lost faith in that happening and I don't expect it at all.

Sorry Lavina... Here you go. ... For reals.

Now that Lavina already posted a blog about clouds this is less cool but.. Shlina kept telling me to post a blog I wrote(this one) that I just hadn't posted yet... I took some of it out but this is basically it.

A while ago I was talking to Lavina. She was asking me why I was doing something... I gave a VERY vague answer. She said to me, "You're like a cloud!"

Why?...


-- "A visible body of very fine water droplets or ice particles suspended in the atmosphere at altitudes ranging up to several miles above sea level."

-- "Something that darkens or fills with gloom."

-- "Something that obscures."

-- "Suspicion or a charge affecting a reputation."

-- "Imaginary; unreal; fanciful."


Okay... I guess I can see it. In our conversation she said it was hard to understand me or get me to be clear. I told her if I got too clear and solid I get scared of storming and raining on people. I guess this works pretty well. Obscure, unreal, darkens... Everyone asks me why I draw away from my friends when life gets complicated. Wouldn't it make more sense to bring them closer? ... I realize the effect I have on people and I don't like it... I like to be part of the scenery. Like a fluffy, beautiful cloud in the sky on a hot summer day. When I feel myself becoming weighed down I drift away from other people so I don't ruin there day with darkness and drama. Like a cloud I start light.. as time goes on I carry more and more with me until I explode and let it all out until I feel relieved of some stress. ... I'd rather be a pretty, nice part of someones day than the rain on their parade or the dark sky over their picnic.

Here you go Lavina

So a little while ago one of my friends told me, "no way omg:" and then... the space pirates were after the excentric heroine, our far fetched and slightly distubred, Emiliy.....not releated to your friend of course, good heavens no, STOP MAKING IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU LAVINA!!!

where was I? not here, for i am the narrator, the man who tells the story, ah yes, so this chick in space, and pirates after her, i dunno sex joke to booty >_> anywhos, yeah she laid some mines down and using awesome powers of hiding she made the mines almost disapper and then and then and then, when the pirates came one was like "click" and the pirate man dude looked down and was like D: WHO WOULD DO THAT?! COME ON!@@@ and he bleweded up.

but the rest of the pirates were hot on her trail, even though they were in space...and its actually not hot....nor is there sound, so theres not going to be any of that crappy space sounds you fucktwad. goddamn learn some fucking science....

so with these pirates on her tail, she ducks into an asteriod belt, this messed ed up there radar, then there was a crackle over the radio. Her mum had gotten scared, and said, " You'r moving in with your Aunt and uncle in Bel-air. So she whistled for a space taxi and when it came nere there where space dice in the mirrior and she said damn this is rare, but naw fuck it nigga, YO HOLMES TO BEL-AIR! she pulleed up to the planet in about 700 or 800 parsecs and said to the taxi Yo holmes Smell ya later. She looked around at the planet of Bel-Air and said, "I hear by elect, Dweasle, the government Cat, ^_9

My goodword Miss Emilily I hear by thank you for promoting to such a staunch and respected position, I dub thee king of Bel-Air, so our odd herion hero took her seat as the king of bel air...

THE END!@ HOLY FUCK YOU NKOW YUO LOVED THAT DAKN+DAMN STORY FUCK MAN@

I’m sensing a theme.

It’s funny how you go about your life feeling like you’re the only person who feels the way you do. Sure you may think that other people feel sadness, happiness, fear or love…. But do they feel it like you? Do they think like you do? No of course not, that would be impossible! No one understands you and no one ever will!

Or maybe we’re all just far too alike to see that we have anything in common at all. This year I’ve had very few serious talks with people. I’m not close to many people. But when the chances spring up and I get into an in depth conversation about how someone feels it all boils down to everyone feeling alone this year. Everyone feels detached, separated and forgotten. We’re all alone… together.

… You’d think it’d be comforting.

Jeffery,

do I look like I belong on the back of a camel?


I just wanted to take this small moment out of my day to declare my departure from this worlds realm of sanity.

Thank you and goodnight.

Go Figure

I'm happy. Not completely... not ALL the time. But part of my happiness comes with realizing I don't need a perfect life to experience happiness. I knew it all along, but it's never been an option. I'm constantly on the brink of writing a new poem, "Ode To Antidepressants." I wasn't sure what they would do really. I've tried the illegal type drugs that make me happy. And I sure as hell wasn't expecting them to work like that. So I really had no idea. Basically I feel less weighed down. Before if things weren't going well I literally felt heavier. Like I really was carrying the world on my shoulders. Now I feel more like my picture! lol holding the world up, and doing just fine. Of course the pills do cause some problems... When things go wrong I have a hard time knowing how to react. I have my instinct reaction... which contradicts directly with how I actually feel.. It's weird. But apart from little things like that.. I'm happy. It's been a long time. And it feels good. A have some friends who don't think the pills are a good idea. "fake happiness" It's not fake... The pills I'm on simply help my brain transmit emotion better than it used to. The potential for happiness was always there but my body wasn't letting me feel it. I feel it now, and it's amazing to enjoy life sometimes. Thing aren't perfect, not even close... But I'm okay with it. The big parts of my life = School, Dance, Work, Caitlin, Lavina, Chai Tea. I love them all! <3

P.S. This blog is horribly formatted. Sorry. lol

I can't say it

Person 1 - You hurt me. You know me just well enough to trick me into anything. You twist my words and ignore my emotions. You're horrible.

Person 2 - I miss you... The wounds have healed. I not longer hurt... I'm no longer angry. But, I'll always miss you.

Person 3 - I love you. You're amazing... I'd be lost without you.

Person 4 - The thought of you alone makes it hard for me to breath. I don't need you. You don't need me. Leave me alone.

Person 5 - I think about you a lot... It's random. I hardly know you... I wonder if you think about me too...

Person 6 - If I told you you wouldn't believe me but you mean a lot to me. You're a good friend and a better person than you realize.

Honesty

If you know me at all you'll know that I'm very suspicious of people. It's not that I naturally don't trust. I have nothing against someone... but I don't have anything for them until i know they can be trusted. Speaking on the grand scale this makes sense. Why be friends with someone who will tell your secrets? Or lie to you about theirs? But do you ever wonder just how much of what people are saying is a lie? There's the instinct reaction lies such as when someone you don't really know asks how you're doing and despite how horribly your day's been going you respond with, "Oh fine, how're you?" I've been wondering lately just how much people really tell the truth about. I mean I've been there before when someone I don't really care for is having a hard time so I tell them, "It's okay... Things will work out. I'm here if you need me. I really care about you." And yeah, it's all been bullshit. I WOULD help... But I don't actually care. I don't do that anymore. A simple, "Damn homie... that sucks." Will do it for me if I don't actually care. How often do I talk to someone and what they're telling me is really, "Damn homie... that sucks." ... I wish there was a real way to tell. I can't lie. Well I guess I CAN But lately I don't see the point. The truth always floats to the surface in the end anyway so why not just push it up there to start with and save some time?? If more people were actually honest about their feelings or opinions sure the sweetness of sugar coating everything would be lost but at least we'd all know what's really going on in life.

Confined

Immobile… my life.. There’s no where for me to go at all. It seems like lately all I can do is let things happen. Nothing I do changes anything. I don’t try to do much I guess.. I don’t care enough.. I wish I had something to care about. I don’t care about dance anymore. It’s pointless. Waste of my time. I’ve never cared much about school.. I don’t have an super meaningful relationships right now. Okay.. A few but they’re not going anywhere new. I just.. I feel like the less goes on in my life the more satisfied I am. But I get no satisfaction from nothing. I get… nothing. I am nothing. I don’t matter. I don’t inspire anyone. I don’t make anyone angry. I just.. Am. Thrown in among the busy lives of others as a decoration or hurtle. But never anything too critical. Even when i try to make an impact I feel trapped within my emotional limits.. I realize most of my life’s situation is my own creation. I wanted to detach myself. It worked. Just how I wanted it to. I fell… of course. This time.. No one backed out of my life because of it. Why? Where would anyone go? No one’s close enough to feel the need to drift away. I love it. I think I’d be happy if I was completely alone by choice. Either that or if I actually had a stable emotional connection with someone. Maybe a few someones. But no. I’m just here… Doing god knows what for god knows why and confused as hell about it. I wish I actually cared more. That’s the only thing that REALLY bothers me. I stopped caring as much. I react a lot of the times out of habit, not out of passion. What passion? I feel it from time to time. There’s a few friends who spark it in me. I feel emotion towards them and I soak it in. Any hint of emotion or feeling… Give me something to fight for. Give me something to love. Give me a reason to care. Something… Anything at all. I miss loving.

Too much

Too much drama. Too much life. My life was really boring for a while there. I prefer it that way. A lot of people know that something happened this past weekend that's sent me into this downward spiral of confusion and depression. There's a VERY select few who know the story. Let me start this by saying IT'S NOT PERSONAL!!! The issue is NOT if I told YOU or not. If anyone goes off on me for it I'll hit you. I didn't tell you the story for a reason. Except it. I just feel like I need to be doing something. There's absolutely nothing I can do but wait and talk. So here I am. I don't know what to do. I know what I'm going to do I guess I just don't know how to feel. I'm having issues with two of my best friends now because of this one thing. The school showed up in my life and I had to do some creative speaking to get out of the councilors office. Poor Mr. East... I randomly run into his room and ask for advice on extremely vague issues.. Poor dance people... I'm such a grouch. Poor Adam... He just happened to be on the phone at the wrong time... I just don't know how to control myself anymore. I'm sorry.. Anyone who reads this. I don't mean to be so horrible. It'll pass. In the mean time ignore me. This is generally the point in the routine where most my friends would leave my life. But I don't have much of anyone close. I'm thankful for that. I don't know where I'm supposed to be going with this blog. it's pointless. I just need to be talking. I need to be doing something. I'm failing 3 classes. I've run off the road twice now.. I can't understand dance anymore... Falling apart. Please forgive me.

I'm looking for a friend...

You may have seen this on my MySpace. Just thought I'd share. Again.

I'm looking for a friend. It isn't urgent. I can wait. But I've always got an eye open. I connect better with guys but sadly I'm bad at keeping them in my life. I'm looking for the one you can trust. The friend who may not agree with me, but respects my opinions. The one who trust me to help them and be a part of their life. A friend who bothers being in mine... Someone who will keep a promise. Someone who will stick around. Someone who will support me and give me modivation. Someone who WON'T try to date me! But someone who can learn to love me anyway. As a friend. Someone who can accept my imperfections and understand my insecurities. Someone who can stand back and give me an outside opinion when I need it. Someone with advice. Good or bad, as long as they care enough to give it. I'm not looking for someone to write the lyrics of my life... Just someone who will sing along.

Where Am I?

Unfamiliar ground. I'm sitting here alone, alone and content. Confused as ever and habitually upset. But for what? I'm lonely by choice this time. It's easier to deal with being alone if you don't fight against it first. People tell me I'm not dealing with my problems. What problems? I don't have any other than medical stuff. Guy problems? No... I don't have a boy, and don't want one. Friend problems? No... All my friends are where they want to be in my life. Most are farther away than usual but I'm fine with that. Truly and honestly, I'm fine with it. Something's clearly missing in my life. What? I don't know. It's not that I miss anyone really. I'll always miss being with Christian... I'll always miss Adam and Ashley. But as far as people I can actually see, I don't feel the need to draw anyone closer. The only problem in my life is I'm lonely. But what I'm missing isn't something or someone I miss, it's an unknown. I'm not unhappy. I'm not happy. I simply... am. Where am I? I've been asking myself that question since I got here. Feels like I'm somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere. Where to from here?

It really is a battle...

I was in a good mood today. I mean.. I got plenty of sleep… had fun in all my classes. Skipped math with Allyson, got coffee, had fun with Lavina and Hannah after school. Had a decent time at dance, got an awesome surprise text… don’t even have homework. So.. I’m in a good mood right? Well I told myself today I’d be happy. And I was but it’s like catching smoke. Happiness just slips through my grasp. I don’t even have much to be terribly depressed over right now. I’m not heartbroken from Christian anymore, I don’t care about Garrett, school’s easy, I’m enjoying work, dance is… well it’s decent. I’m less miserable than I’ve been in the past year but I’m just not happy. I can’t be happy. Life goes well and I have to struggle to not fall into this stupor… It’s like my fall back plan. If I don’t know what emotion to feel go to sadness because I’m used to dealing with it. ??? I really don’t know. I’m just sick of being unhappy. Everyone say, “Create your own happiness.” I try, and I can’t. I can decide to be in a good mood… but it doesn’t work. I just slip back to where I started. Not depression, just… this low feeling. I can laugh and appreciate life and the people around me. I just don’t feel how I should. I don’t know what to do. Or if there’s even anything I can do. Not entirely sure why I wrote this.. But, here it is.

Because of them...

You really do learn something new from every person you meet. No matter how small a lesson or how big.. Everyone you encounter in your life makes some kind of change in you.

Looking back I’ve realized that every guy who’s played a big part in my life has taught me one of those amazing, life altering lessons. Yes, girls have taught me things too.. But the impressions are never as deep. Not sure why… It’s not the issue either. I made a short list…

Seth(1st boyfriend) taught me confidence.
-- Okay not a lesson I learned well from. But if you can believe it I used to be less self confident.
Brad(2nd boyfriend) taught me acceptance.
-- Don’t ask questions. Accept it.
Egan(friend) taught me, over the course of about 2 years, forgiveness.
-- Or… Well I learned it because of him.
Christian(3rd boyfriend. First love) taught me just how strong I can really be.
Timmy(friend) taught me it is possible to have fun even if life’s not going the way you planned.
-- This may be because he’s just insane. Oh well.
Adam(friend) taught me that it’s okay to trust.
-- Even if it hurts.
Harry(best friend) taught me how to truly care for another person.
-- By letting me. If only for a short amount of time.
Joe(friend) taught me how to give space when needed.
Garrett(4th boyfriend) gave me what I needed to learn to let go.

My point… I guess is that no matter how much any of these people hurt me (they ALL did) I regret nothing. I wouldn’t be half of who I was without these people. Honestly I don’t like myself much. But I would be even worse off without the guys in my life.

Girls don’t hurt me. With one exception no girl has ever really harmed me emotionally. I care about my girl friends very much. I love them deeply. But what is it about the opposite sex? Why do they effect us the way they do? It’s not necessarily sexual. My friends listed above… Nothing sexual. Just.. Emotional. And not the most emotional people even. I’m not even looking for an answer. Just sending this thought out into the world. What is it about them? Why do they effect us so?

The Last First Day

School starts today. I'm a senior this year. It's kinda of sad... I went into freshmen year thinking, "Great! High school! This is going t be amazing!!" I went into Sophmore year thinking, "This year will be even better. I love all my friends!" I went into Junior year thinking, "Well shit, what more could go wrong?" And I'm going into Senior year thinking, "Nothing to lose." Most of the high school life lessons I think I've got. Broken heart, lost best friend, death, failed classes, car crash, job, drugs, alcohol... Now it's just learning to live without things. Learning to take everything that's happened to me and become a successful, independent person. Actually... Grow up? By now I think one of the only things holding me back is that I have forgotten how to love as I once could. My friends are dear to me, but I've been hurt too much to let myself lean on anyone. But I guess it's all part of growing up and becoming your own person. So... here we go. Senior year.

Experience

Okay so this was a blog I wrote and posted on mysapce almost a year ago. But as the world knows no one takes myspace seriously. So I decided to replace it here.



Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a book or a course manual to life? We would no longer wonder who to trust, what do expect or which way to turn. It would all be right there in front of us. However it's no secret that the answers to life aren't lined up before us with a cheat sheet attached. We have to learn. We have to work for our wisdom.

Learning. We go to school to learn. That's why we're there. Most of us go to school thinking our teachers will tell us all we need to know. The inteligent people being paid to make us smarter. Surely they have all the answers. But how much of what we read or discuss in school can be used in life?

Oscar Wilde once said, "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught." I have never heard of words spoken in more truth. The real learning we do, the real lessons can only be taught by the most cynical of all teachers, experience. Man kind is forced to undergo the process of receiving our lessons in the form of our results. Instinct can only get you so far. Other words come to mind as I consider this topic: Regret, luck, disappointment, mistakes. I've had to learn the hard way just how effective going through these things can be and I am sure I am not the only one.

So often life does not seem to be about doing the right thing but about not doing the wrong thing. Process of elimination. With enough attempts and enough failures eventually you will learn the correct way of going about your life. If there was a way to make this easier or less painful, now that would be a relief to us all. It's a shame how much damage can be done in the quest for the wisdom we need to conduct our lives properly. You may lose friends, respect, faith, hope, courage and countless other securities. With luck, what you learn in life will make up for the harm caused on your journey towards knowledge.

No matter how hard you may try, Or how much you learn, sometimes the wounds are just too deep. Sometimes the regrets do not fade away. Is this the result of experience being too harsh of a teacher? Is this the result of a weak person combined with difficult situations? No one can say for sure. Of course it depends entirely on the person in question and the situation in which they are placed. So many times you might here, "Had I known then..." or, "What was I thinking when..." The comfort in those words rests only in the knowledge that the same mistake will not happen twice. A faint ray of hope, but what more can we really expect?

Everyone knows experience is the best teacher, but how many of us are greatfull how painful learning is? I've found truth in that the more agonizing or dramatic something is the more I learn from it. It makes an impression on me. Makes me stronger, or so I'd like to believe. The most you can do is learn the lesson and do whatever it takes to heal the wounds. Some things cannot be healed. Some are not meant to be. Perhaps the trials and errors in life are no more than a test. In my opinion though, the only way to be sure of complete sucsess is to understand and suffer failure.

Why You Runnin'?

You know that feeling where you have so much flooding into your mind all at once you literally feel weighed down by the stress and pressure of your own imagination and concerns? Well last night was something like that for me. So much running through my mind... So much pain, so much confusion, excitement, desire, shame, fear, relief and on and on so many different kinds of emotions battling against one another and my brain unable to focus on one emotion, thought or issue.

I tried to watch a movie to distract myself. No luck I was simply unable to focus. I took a hot shower, made some tea and tried to go to bed.. An hour and half into my attempt at sleeping I got up, put some shoes on and stepped outside. Then I ran. Down the hill onto the trail I used to walk all the time when I was younger... And I just kept running... through the dark. The longer I ran the fewer emotions I seemed to have in my way. I kept running until I was out of breath and aching from pains in my sides, legs and feet. I stopped. Sat down in the wet ground on the side of the road.. I tried to think of my problems... Nothing came to me. I tried to think of my blessings... Still nothing. I was at that moment completely neutral to everything in my life. Nothing was harmful.. The past week, however self destructive I may have been didn't seem important. My friends, whom I love dearly were just another small puzzle piece in my life. No one had hurt me, no one had helped me.. I hadn't hurt or helped myself.. I was just... There. I tried to analyze it.. but my brain simply refused. My thoughts were no longer fighting one another.. they had given up. I was nothing. So I walked home. Unusually aware of my surroundings.. The lights from the nearest houses bringing the only distinction into my life.. guiding me home. Why I was walking didn't matter... Where I was going didn't matter. I just wanted to sleep. So I got home, crawled into bed and went my first night without dreams since about three weeks ago. Blissful, undisturbed sleep.

Struck By Lightning

Something I've learned about myself over the past few years is when I get hurt physically, I more or less just brush it off. Emotionally, I dwell in it and fall to pieces. Once again this blog idea started whith a conversation with a freind. I told him i had really bad luck. He said, "what about people who get struck by lightning, twice.... you know the odds of that? Your lucky you havent even been struck once." And my first reaction was to say I'd rather be struck by lightning once than dumped twice by guys I really liked.

I'm a very emotional person. And I'm sick of it! Shlina wrote a blog about "tomorrow for sale." Well how about emotion for sale? I don't want to feel as much as I do. I don't want to care, hurt, love, hate... I'm sick of them all. The option is so rarely happiness! "make your own happiness emily!" "law of attracation!!" Fuck you Chase. I've tried to make myself happy. I've tried to pretend I'm happy hoping I'll trick myself into it. In my last blog I wrote how I agree you have to fight for what you want.. I still agree. The annoying thing is that the things that I truly want, the things that will actually make me happy aren't things you can fight to get.

P.S. I don't hate Chase btw. Just his law of attraction rants. Also if anyone knows how to sell emotion, please tell me how.

"Struggle, Fight, Overcome."

The best advice was given to me tonight... In the middle of a horrible ordeal too. Such advice as this makes me mostly angry that no one's ever worded it right before as to where I connect to it..

"Struggle, Fight, Overcome. Such is life. You have to fight for what you want or you'll never have it. Emily, you have to take it!"

You know... Fighting for things hasn't always got me what I wanted. Shit, in one experience it pushed what I wanted away. A best friend, who only started hating me when I started fighting for him. But you know... I ask myself now, "Would I be okay knowing that I didn't try?" And then I answer myself, "Of course not!"

I'm currently in the middle of losing another person... Well, honestly he's trying to lose me. But I took that advice to heart. I'm not letting go without a fight. I want to keep this person with me... And I'll find a way. Okay so far all I've done is beg. And yeah I feel stupid about it. ... Real stupid. But, I'll make it right.

People are always saying they're sick of fighting for things. I guess at some point you have to realize it's never going to end. As long as you love, as long as you feel for another person you'll find yourself fighting. Sitting around waiting for life to change isn't the worst idea... but certainly not the best.

"Struggle, Fight, Overcome." ... Then write a blog about it.

What I Don't Say

I guess the reason I'm trying to start this blog is to get stuff off my chest without annoying people. I dunno it seems like when I talk about important stuff with a lot of my friends they get irritated with me. With a blog people can chose to ignore me, but I still get the thoughts out there. So here they are.. Or, here they will be. What I don't say. The bits and pieces of me I don't lay out there on my personality billboard. So if you're interested. Here I am.