Saying Goodbye

It's just an understanding. It's a realization of time and fate, of love and loss... of mortality. I'd give anything to live in a world of blissful ignorance. I'd do anything to remove this understanding. I've been aware since the beginning that forever is a myth and every piece of life is temporary. We get what we need from outside influences, but nothing can give forever. No one has an infinite supply of anything and no one should give everything to one person alone. It's holding on that hurts, not letting go. A broken heart can heal, but a heart forever under fire will never be whole. So let us break our hearts, dear friend. I will always love you for everything you are and everything you've ever done for me. I'll carry a piece of you in my heart and find comfort knowing you exist somewhere in my world. And that will have to be enough.

Mostly For Me

Okay no one reads this blog anymore. Maybe Sam... Hi Sam!!! Anyway, this is personal, but nothing worth hiding and something I really just need to find a way to put into words. Some stories probably. Some inner workings of my brain. I don't know really. To whom it may concern I recently realized my anxiety issues extend beyond normal anxiety. I'm not just shy. I'm not just tense. And I'm very annoyed I didn't realize I had these issues until recently.

I'm constantly worried about how people are perceiving me. I'm scared I'm saying something dumb. I'm scared I'm not speaking clearly. I'm scared they're judging me. ... For HOURS after a conversation I will still have my stupid, fragmented sentences floating around in my head. I can't help but figure out how exactly I SHOULD have said everything I said wrong. And no, not only after some conversations. After EVERY conversation. I'm okay around Arthur. I'm usually okay around Sam. But 90% of my conversations leave behind a lingering sinking feeling of regret.

I get nervous when I'm shopping. The worst was the day I just wanted a can of soup, a Harry Potter DVD and a diet coke. I went to Walmart. Before I even made it into the store I started worrying. What if someone sees me and thinks I'm supposed to be working? Will they think I'm a slacker? Will they think less of me? So I left and went to Fred Meyer. The parking lot at Fred's was way too full and just trying to find a parking spot was making my hands shake and my lungs shrink. I went to Safeway. At Safeway I found the soda and went to find the soup I wanted. I stood in front of the soup for maybe half an hour. I couldn't decide. I kept wondering which soup would make the least of an impression on the cashier. What does chicken noodle say about me? Am I boring? Tomato? No... The cashier will wonder if I have stained teeth. Well if they wonder they'll HAVE to look. What if I DO have stained teeth? Can I get away with checking out without saying anything/opening my mouth at all? No... What if they ask me a question? I can't just NOT say anything. Okay no, not Tomato, definitely NOT tomato! Chicken and dumplings? How many calories? 310?? Oh god no the cashier will think I have no self control! Chili? No... Then the cashier will think I'm gassy. Never mind! I'm going to the Fred Meyer across town! So there I was at the other Fred's, when I ran into a Vendor who used to work at Walmart. I got freaked out and went to the second Safeway. At Safeway before I even tried to do my shopping I saw a guy I had taken a class with the previous semester. Immediately, I left. I went to blockbuster where I knew no one ever shops. I got my movie, got my soda, gave up on the idea of soup and went home to have a panic attack.

I've lost most of my friends in the past few years. And I know now that It's entirely my fault. I can blame it on my anxiety all I want but my anxiety IS me. I get hurt very easily. I'm hyper-sensitive to the words of other people and my brain and heart feed off the feelings emoted in my direction. I've had a lot of people in my life "leave" me. I've had a lot of people break up with me. I've had a lot of people hate me. And I guess that's normal. But however hard I try to fight it, my brain takes everything SO personally. I've got to a point in the recent years where I am just scared of my friends. I'm terrified. I'm constantly worried about saying something wrong, Every time I go to see my friends I'm scared that will be the time I say that awful thing, the time I do something so rude and thoughtless that I will lose that friend forever. I avoid seeing my friends in fear that I will push them away. And yes, I know I can't freeze time and keep my friendships the way they are. I know not seeing or talking to people DOES push them away. But I'm just SO scared of messing up. I've had close conversations with friends on Facebook chat that have made me so uncomfortable I need sleeping pills to get ANY sleep for days after. Whenever I open up to someone I worry I've said too much and now that that person knows more about me they're going to realize I'm not someone they want to know at all. I've blocked friends on Facebook for that reason. I've gone too far, now the only way to save the friendship is to freeze it. Block them and never say another word. But no... That's not how you save friendships... That's how you lose them. But mustering up the courage to open a dialog seems impossible sometimes. Every single text I send is written out and deleted about 10 times before I feel comfortable enough to send it. Most of the time I never find a wording that doesn't make me feel self conscious and I just never send the text. I've written hundreds of "I miss you"s and "I need your help"s in the past few years. None of them have made it to the other side. It's all my own doing. I just wish I was in more control of me.I have been fighting it lately. But it's hard.

It's a damn good day if I can answer a phone call. What if it's someone calling to yell at me? I'll usually wait for my phone to stop ringing, with intent to send a text in response. But of course the text usually gets caught somewhere in the inhibitions between reason and fear.

I've made countless excuses for not going out. I get so stressed at the idea of being in a social situation that getting ready to go turns me into an angry, emotional, irrational lunatic. Sometimes I force it out of myself. Sometimes I can't muster the energy and just make excuses. "I have to work late." "I have other plans." "Car troubles." (That one is true more than I'd like it to be.) "I'm broke." "Headache" after giving the excuse I usually sit at home being angry at myself the rest of the day.

I have a hard time getting things done.

I know I have to get my car fixed... But I'll have to talk to the mechanic and I KNOW he's going to tell me I've done something awful and stupid to my car and I KNOW he's going to judge me on my messy car with no bumper and bald tires.

I know I need to go get my test results, but what if I have some kind of gross disease or something's so wrong with me that the doctor will think I'm stupid for not coming in sooner??

I know I need to deposit my check. But what if the teller looks in my account and sees that I'm poor? Or looks at my checks and see I work at Walmart and a Church. Surely the teller could come up with some reason to judge me just on those things!

I know I need a haircut. But I've dyed my own hair since I last got a haircut. And maybe the hairdresser will notice I did a bad job. Maybe the hairdresser won't put as much effort into my hair because I'm one of "those" people that dye their own hair. Too poor for a professional. To incompitant to do it right. Maybe I'll look worse after. I already hate the way I look... I can't even stomach the thought of looking WORSE!!!

I'm a mess at work. I'm a manager, so the stress is going to be high no matter what. But with all the insanity in my head sometimes it's unbearable. I'm always wondering if the people over me are regretting promoting me. Are they plotting to replace me? Do they think I'm any good at all? And on the other side I'm worried about how the people under me are perceiving me. Do they take me seriously? Do they have faith in me? Do they respect me? Am I even good at being a leader?
I'm a hard worker. But it's honestly only because I'm terrified of being yelled at. I'm terrified of someone thinking I'm lazy. I'm terrified of not being good enough in someone else's eyes. Which is normal. But... to this extent?

The first real memory I have of this kind of anxiety is way back in elementary school. I can remember missing the school bus and having a panic attack. Yes, a little 7 year old panic attack. I'd hyperventilate and cry. My parents always laughed at me for it. But it was no laughing matter in my little brain. I was horrified by the thought of walking into school late. The teachers asking why, all the other students looking at me, watching me come in to class and sit down. Having everyone's eyes on me at the same time... Judging. This fear carried on into my adult life. Very few things are as scary to me as being late. What will my coworkers think of me? Will their views of me change if I'm late? Will they trust me? Will they make assumptions? 
There was one day a few months ago, I was about ready to leave for work, I looked out my bedroom window to our little parking lot to make sure the coast was clear. I don't go out to my car if one of our neighbors is out there. Unfortunately this day my neighbor was cleaning out his car. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it would be okay I could not make myself go outside to my car. I waited there at the window, watching, waiting for the guy to leave so I could get to my car. I ended up being half an hour late to work. The stress of being late and the thoughts of what everyone must be thinking about me where weighing so heavily on me that day I must have spent half my day hiding in the back room crying.

Apart from all these stories there's the little things. The nightmares. The self destruction. The violence. The secrets. The shame. Craving alcohol daily to help me express myself and feel less. It's exhausting. It's lonely. It's me.

How I went so long without realizing I have a social anxiety disorder is beyond me. Ever since the idea was brought up to me it's been painfully obvious. I know everyone gets stressed. I know everyone worries. But I feel like if I keep lying to myself about not being any different than everyone else, I'll never be able to fix me.

I feel better today.

That is all.

Stuck

I just want to scream! All the time! I want to yell and cry and find a way to get someone, ANYONE to understand this feeling!!! 

... But I can't. And finally realizing why has made it so much worse. I need help. But I can't find it. I don't know how to ask for it.

I'm stuck.

Wasted

It's funny how the people who want to hurt me most end up becoming my best and most powerful motivational forces. 

You want to hurt me? Okay, but you'll have to play by my rules.

Let the games begin.

Lost Within

It sucks having something really messing up your life that you can't even talk about. When every single action and decision takes into account something no one knows about, it's hard for others to see any sense in it.

I know I look strange.

I know I act strange.

But it's all because I'm scared.

Of what exactly?

...I don't know.

And I couldn't explain it if I did know. And that's half the problem right there

Isn't it?

Waves

There I was, sitting silent and still, watching the ground fade away, then return. Every last blade of grass flowed together in a fluid, synchronized motion. The surrounding flowers and trees seemed to share my apprehention. They breathed with me. Swelling with air and confidence at every inhale... Then deflating with doubt and fear with my escaping breath.

With nowhere to go I felt the strongest urge to leave. I had to try. I had no choice but to trust on the tiniest glimmer of hope hiding in the back corner of my mind, telling me that one cannot sink into grass, dirt and stone like one may sink into the darkest, deepest ocean. I suppose I knew that. I must have known... But there the ground was. And there the ground wasn't. I was sure it was taunting me, daring me to call it on its bluff, only to let me sink deep into the ever-changing, submerging waves of grass.

I stepped into it. On the way down I experienced, not for the first time, that kind of sad and slow surreal decent into madness. But there I stood, perfectly grounded and stable on the grassy path in the garden.

Welcome back, Emily.

Lonely

Me: "I'm off Friday, do you work?"

Arthur: "No I'm off too."

Me: "Woo! Party!"

Arthur: "Do you want to have a party?"

Me: "Oh god no."

Me: "I'm not anti-social."

Arthur: "You're not. You just don't have any friends, never go anywhere and hate everyone."

Both of these conversations make me laugh. And they'd probably make me laugh more if they wernt laced with unfortunate truth.

Why do I keep myself so isolated? 

a. It's out of my control. I try but I don't get along with many people or our schedules don't mesh.

b. I'm scared of getting hurt. So I'm scared of getting close.

c. I have secrets that I'm hiding from the world. If anyone gets too close, it might blow my cover.

d. I'm self conscious and anxious the idea of social interaction terrifies me.

e. I like feeling sorry for myself.

f. I simply like being a loner. I only need 1 or 2 friends and 90% of the time I'd rather be alone because I don't like people.

g. I have a hard time expressing my emotions. So much of a hard time that I'd really rather just not do it at all.

This may sound odd but I honestly have NO clue with option is the truth. How does anyone know so little about themselves??

The Quote Book

My old group of friends used to have the craziest, silliest and stupidest nights ever. We wrote a bunch of quotes from those nights down in a little notebook I just found. I need to declutter my bookslef so I decided to just make a document of those quotes here.

Reading through these I honestly don't know where half of them came from. But I also remember that that group of friends was the best group of friends I have ever and will ever be a part of. Yes, other(and some of the same) great friends exist in my world, and I'm sure more are to come. But that group was a family. Or so we thought. Never in my life had my heart been filled with so much love for so many different beautiful people. And nothing and no one will ever be able to erase it from my memory.

Now, I'm done with the sentimental rambling.
Here are The Quotes!

"Lavina is a peaceful warrior. She wouldn't understand your Blood Tribe ways." -Timmy

"Who's my perfect match again?" -Hannah
"Santa Clause." -Will

"No pagan God can save THIS!" -Timmy

"Bitch be mocking me!" -Timmy

"I say we behead the sea cow." -Timmy

"Fucking Timmy..." -Everyone

"I don't turn my back on my sea cows." -Timmy

"He would have bled. But he would have slept!" -David

"That's a G.... That's a G... That's a G.... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE A 9!!?" -David
 
"You were a cartoon duck!" -Lavina

"You need to... I forget." - Emily

"Woah, look at his face!" -Timmy
"It's creepin' me out!" -Lavina

"It's like... It's like... a demon sheep goat!" -David

"That's stupid."-Emily
"That's logic." -Timmy
"Same thing!" -Emily

"You can't just be a monkey and not expect to get murdered." -Emily

"Speaking of pockets, did you ever find that onion?" -Emily

"Dammit! I forgot my name again!" -Hannah

"Aww Shit, that's some pissed off laundry!" -David

"I wasn't blind. I just couldn't see." -Emily

"Who would want their last words to be, 'Now I'm pissed... Oops?!'" -Lavina

"You don't even know what you're talking about. They don't have cereal at taco bell." -Emily

"I don't think you want to smell this movie..." -Unknown?

"Did you just call David a winner?" -Emily
"No. I called him a cheater." -Timmy

"The world is overpopulated because we're saving the sick!" -Jade

"Cripples. My biggest turn-on." -Emily

"That's an unfair fight. There's TWO balloons and only ONE battle axe!" -Emily

"You would." -Lavina
"Yes, we would!" -Timmy
"Und we did." -Emily

"You're a baby murderer!" -Timmy
"You're a skinny, gray, venus fly trap!" -Emily

"Okay so... What's an A.I.?" -Cody
"Artificial Intelligence." -Lavina
"Oh. I didn't see that movie." -Cody

"Look at my fucking squid!" -Will

"Moo. ... I said MOO DAMMIT!!" -Emily

Feelings?

I'm not sure when it happened but sometime within the past 5 or 6 years I've trained myself to be ashamed of having emotions. I guess part of it is after those terrible teen age years the emotional roller coaster has slowed down and is now more like an emotional mini van. So feeling strongly about things happens less often then it did before. Emotions are a natural and healthy thing for a person to experience, but for some reason I don't always feel entitled to them. I feel especially strange if I express said emotions to someone else. If I'm ever angry, sad, scared or whatever and I break down and tell someone how I feel... DISASTER!!! I feel so incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable. It's hard for me to know how to talk to that person after they know how my brain works. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to look them in the eye. I want nothing more than to dig a deep dark empty pit and just lay in it. People feel things, and that's okay. Just not for me.

Nobodys Perfect

This might be a touchy subject for some people. Not that anyone reads this blog anymore, but if you do: I'm not trying to be offensive! I just need to vent!

So there's a lot of times in my life where really fat women have made fun of me for having small boobs. And as far as I can remember it's only ever fat women.

Yes, I do have small boobs. I have small boobs because I am a small person. You have big boobs because you are a big person.... See how that works?? If I gained 80 pounds I'd most likely have big boobs too. As well as big everything else!

(And yes I know there are those super lucky girls who are skinny with a big chest but let not go into that!)

I would never, ever, in a hundred years make fun of someone for being fat. That would be a terribly rude and heartless thing to do. So why do people think it's okay to make fun of someone for being little? Making fun of anyone for how their body looks is cruel and tasteless. I have to hold myself back every time.

"You have tiny boobs!"
"Yeah, well you're a whale."

.... No. I would never. But SHUT UP ABOUT MY BODY!

Derp.

I thought going back to school would make me feel smarter. I assumed that getting a promotion meant I was more capable than I had been previously. I thought I'd feel better about and more comfortable inside my own brain as time went on. But when I do my school assignments, I'm never happy with them. At work I feel like I don't know a damn thing. The older I get the less comfortable I become in my level of maturity and intelligence. This could be because I am constantly challenging myself. I went for a new job, even when I didn't feel ready. Twice! I went back to school even though I feel like one of those people who doesn't belong there. I am surrounded by people older than me. Most of my friends are older than I am. I've been the youngest in my position level at work for almost a year. Even my boyfriend is seven years older than me. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of time playing catch up. And living with this intense hope that no one else can tell.

More than anything I want to sink back into a quiet, dark, inconspicuous little existence.Where I can do what I want without being noticed, live a supremely unimpressive life and have nothing expected of me. But it's like I have two voices in my head. The quieter one is more persuasive, and keeps me dragging the loud, terrified, uncomfortable voice along, through whatever new adventure I'm told to pursue.

Another Promotion

First I was an overnight stocker at Walmart. Then, 10 months later, I became a department manager. Now 9 more months later I have been promoted yet again to zms. I take no pride in working for wallmart. None at all. But to be honest the job has done a lot for my life. I found my Arthur there, I gained the momentum and the funds to go back to school, and I have met some great friends. The thing I am most grateful for is the confidence the store has instilled in me regarding my abilities in the workplace. It is rare for someone with no day-time floor experience to become a department manager. And it is rare for someone with so little department manager experience to become a zms. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but I am a hard worker. And it seems like wherever I go, I do well. Getting promoted is scary, it's a lot to take in and the zms I am replacing is a hard act to fallow. But the raise is nice, and the authority is nice. I am a little annoyed that I still work at wallmart, after a year and a half with the company, but it is getting me the experience and money I need to further my education and get me on my way to wherever I am going in life.

Now what can I buy with $300 more a month?
I can get my nails done again!
I can pay someone else to dye my hair!
I can get contacts again! I can see again!
I can have more spending money for my Germany trip!

... One way or another I WILL convince myself I 100% want this promotion... I hope.

Confessions

Sometimes it feels like I have these large pieces missing from me. Like I have these holes straight through my body that everyone else can see. Like everyone can tell I'm not finished.

I don't know if I'm scared to talk to my friends, or if I know better. I'm scared they won't care, because no one seems to anymore. I'm scared they'll make things worse. I'm scared I'll feel like I've lost control. I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if I'm learning.

I can't tell if I don't know how to ask for help, or if I'm strong enough not to.

I don't know why I have to go to extremes. It's all or nothing. And I get stuck in nothing. It's scary... I feel like I'm making progress. I know I'm doing damage. I can't find a way out. Addiction is powerful. And comes in many forms... I know I was looking for it. But was I looking for this?

Why is it so easy for people to walk out of my life without explanation? I know people grow apart. I know friendships don't last forever. I know mistakes are made that can't be fixed. But why is it so common for people in my life to disappear? Am I just often in the presence of very weak people? Or very rude people? Or do I make it hard for people to leave? Oddly enough it's always the people who mean the most who do this... Curiouser and curiouser...

I'm weird. I know I'm weird. Lately I even feel the weird happening as it happens. I can't stop it. Mid weirdism I notice it, and then it gets weirder. The weird is getting awkward. The awkward is getting uncomfortable. The uncomfortable is getting old.

I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point of all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway.

My Declaration

There is no such thing as a perfect person. I am no exception. I have a bad temper. I'm prone to procrastination, pessimism, self hatred, dishonesty, jealousy, selfishness, self harm, sarcasm and many other bad qualities I won't go into for the sake of saving time. I was okay with myself for a long time. Lately however, I'm learning to battle myself again. It seems the more alone I am, the less I like myself. The less I like myself, the more alone I become. I hurt people. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose, sometimes without knowing it at all. I want to become someone who brings nothing but happiness to other people. I want to learn to appreciate the good in every single person I meet. I want to learn how to forgive properly. I want to be a person worth knowing, because right now, I don't feel that I am. I realize this is why I am so alone. I've spent too much time working on my friendships, working on how other people see me. I see my flaws now. I see that I need to focus on me. When I can like myself again, I'll work on introducing that person to new people. Maybe in the future I'll be better at holding on to the people I love. So while I wish I could make a declaration about how I am going to be a better friend and help people out more, I can't. All I can do is promise to work on me. The rest... well, I'll get back to you.

These feelings and thoughts: Brought to you by weeks of introspection.

The inspiration to write it out and post it to the gaping Internet void:
http://youtu.be/eVDXzZabTaI

Sorry Michael, No quite what you were looking for.

Dreams

I remember a time when I felt so much passion for life that I could barely contain it. I remember contemplating the vast possibilities that lay before me at a very young age. I had dreams once. It's hard to remember now but I can vaguely recall wanting to be older, wanting to be doing these great things I knew I would one day do. A little bit of life happened, and a moment later, all I wanted was to be happy. The more I lost, the less I wanted. I lost sight of the things I wanted after I lost what I needed. When someone asks me what I want from life I respond modestly; "I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want enough money to live comfortably. I want love." Why have I let my necessities become my goals? Living a comfortable life isn't a dream. It's something I should simply refuse to live without. But after I have everything I need in place, what do I work for? Some people are lucky. Some people have dreams. I forgot how to dream a long time ago. What's the point of a person with no dreams?

Game Over

I'm having a REALLY hard time not posting about how hurtful you're being.
I'm having a really hard time not posting about how it makes absolutely no sense.
I'm having a really hard time understanding how your brain could possibly be working right now.
I'm having a really hard time staying angry at you.
I'm having a really hard time understanding how I deserve to be used as your punching bag.
I'm having a really hard time letting it all go.

But if that's what you want, I can try. Six years of friendship isn't something I want to lose over literally nothing. But if that's what you've decided to do, okay. I'm getting really good at goodbyes. Just know I'm not mad at you, I didn't do anything to betray your trust and you've broken my heart. And no, I don't expect you to care about any of that. You've made it clear that you're not going to. I just thought I'd give you some of the honesty you've kept from me. I don't want to play these games anymore. So fine, you win.

Finished

Surrounded in my bubbly, warm happy place, I expected to feel more comforted. I haven't had the accommodations to relax and take a bubble bath in nearly a year. This is where I always went when I felt negative emotions. Sadness, stress, frustration. Somehow now it is not the same. I have enough bubbles. I have my book, my wine, a friend to text and confide in. But here I am, lifting my leg up, watching the small avalanche of bubbles slowly make it's way back into the water. Submerging my face, concentrating on exhaling; a steady flow of evenly sized bubbles. This used to calm me down. But now, in this soggy, wet atmosphere, I'm not sure where condensation ends and tears begin.


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