Saying Goodbye

It's just an understanding. It's a realization of time and fate, of love and loss... of mortality. I'd give anything to live in a world of blissful ignorance. I'd do anything to remove this understanding. I've been aware since the beginning that forever is a myth and every piece of life is temporary. We get what we need from outside influences, but nothing can give forever. No one has an infinite supply of anything and no one should give everything to one person alone. It's holding on that hurts, not letting go. A broken heart can heal, but a heart forever under fire will never be whole. So let us break our hearts, dear friend. I will always love you for everything you are and everything you've ever done for me. I'll carry a piece of you in my heart and find comfort knowing you exist somewhere in my world. And that will have to be enough.

Mostly For Me

Okay no one reads this blog anymore. Maybe Sam... Hi Sam!!! Anyway, this is personal, but nothing worth hiding and something I really just need to find a way to put into words. Some stories probably. Some inner workings of my brain. I don't know really. To whom it may concern I recently realized my anxiety issues extend beyond normal anxiety. I'm not just shy. I'm not just tense. And I'm very annoyed I didn't realize I had these issues until recently.

I'm constantly worried about how people are perceiving me. I'm scared I'm saying something dumb. I'm scared I'm not speaking clearly. I'm scared they're judging me. ... For HOURS after a conversation I will still have my stupid, fragmented sentences floating around in my head. I can't help but figure out how exactly I SHOULD have said everything I said wrong. And no, not only after some conversations. After EVERY conversation. I'm okay around Arthur. I'm usually okay around Sam. But 90% of my conversations leave behind a lingering sinking feeling of regret.

I get nervous when I'm shopping. The worst was the day I just wanted a can of soup, a Harry Potter DVD and a diet coke. I went to Walmart. Before I even made it into the store I started worrying. What if someone sees me and thinks I'm supposed to be working? Will they think I'm a slacker? Will they think less of me? So I left and went to Fred Meyer. The parking lot at Fred's was way too full and just trying to find a parking spot was making my hands shake and my lungs shrink. I went to Safeway. At Safeway I found the soda and went to find the soup I wanted. I stood in front of the soup for maybe half an hour. I couldn't decide. I kept wondering which soup would make the least of an impression on the cashier. What does chicken noodle say about me? Am I boring? Tomato? No... The cashier will wonder if I have stained teeth. Well if they wonder they'll HAVE to look. What if I DO have stained teeth? Can I get away with checking out without saying anything/opening my mouth at all? No... What if they ask me a question? I can't just NOT say anything. Okay no, not Tomato, definitely NOT tomato! Chicken and dumplings? How many calories? 310?? Oh god no the cashier will think I have no self control! Chili? No... Then the cashier will think I'm gassy. Never mind! I'm going to the Fred Meyer across town! So there I was at the other Fred's, when I ran into a Vendor who used to work at Walmart. I got freaked out and went to the second Safeway. At Safeway before I even tried to do my shopping I saw a guy I had taken a class with the previous semester. Immediately, I left. I went to blockbuster where I knew no one ever shops. I got my movie, got my soda, gave up on the idea of soup and went home to have a panic attack.

I've lost most of my friends in the past few years. And I know now that It's entirely my fault. I can blame it on my anxiety all I want but my anxiety IS me. I get hurt very easily. I'm hyper-sensitive to the words of other people and my brain and heart feed off the feelings emoted in my direction. I've had a lot of people in my life "leave" me. I've had a lot of people break up with me. I've had a lot of people hate me. And I guess that's normal. But however hard I try to fight it, my brain takes everything SO personally. I've got to a point in the recent years where I am just scared of my friends. I'm terrified. I'm constantly worried about saying something wrong, Every time I go to see my friends I'm scared that will be the time I say that awful thing, the time I do something so rude and thoughtless that I will lose that friend forever. I avoid seeing my friends in fear that I will push them away. And yes, I know I can't freeze time and keep my friendships the way they are. I know not seeing or talking to people DOES push them away. But I'm just SO scared of messing up. I've had close conversations with friends on Facebook chat that have made me so uncomfortable I need sleeping pills to get ANY sleep for days after. Whenever I open up to someone I worry I've said too much and now that that person knows more about me they're going to realize I'm not someone they want to know at all. I've blocked friends on Facebook for that reason. I've gone too far, now the only way to save the friendship is to freeze it. Block them and never say another word. But no... That's not how you save friendships... That's how you lose them. But mustering up the courage to open a dialog seems impossible sometimes. Every single text I send is written out and deleted about 10 times before I feel comfortable enough to send it. Most of the time I never find a wording that doesn't make me feel self conscious and I just never send the text. I've written hundreds of "I miss you"s and "I need your help"s in the past few years. None of them have made it to the other side. It's all my own doing. I just wish I was in more control of me.I have been fighting it lately. But it's hard.

It's a damn good day if I can answer a phone call. What if it's someone calling to yell at me? I'll usually wait for my phone to stop ringing, with intent to send a text in response. But of course the text usually gets caught somewhere in the inhibitions between reason and fear.

I've made countless excuses for not going out. I get so stressed at the idea of being in a social situation that getting ready to go turns me into an angry, emotional, irrational lunatic. Sometimes I force it out of myself. Sometimes I can't muster the energy and just make excuses. "I have to work late." "I have other plans." "Car troubles." (That one is true more than I'd like it to be.) "I'm broke." "Headache" after giving the excuse I usually sit at home being angry at myself the rest of the day.

I have a hard time getting things done.

I know I have to get my car fixed... But I'll have to talk to the mechanic and I KNOW he's going to tell me I've done something awful and stupid to my car and I KNOW he's going to judge me on my messy car with no bumper and bald tires.

I know I need to go get my test results, but what if I have some kind of gross disease or something's so wrong with me that the doctor will think I'm stupid for not coming in sooner??

I know I need to deposit my check. But what if the teller looks in my account and sees that I'm poor? Or looks at my checks and see I work at Walmart and a Church. Surely the teller could come up with some reason to judge me just on those things!

I know I need a haircut. But I've dyed my own hair since I last got a haircut. And maybe the hairdresser will notice I did a bad job. Maybe the hairdresser won't put as much effort into my hair because I'm one of "those" people that dye their own hair. Too poor for a professional. To incompitant to do it right. Maybe I'll look worse after. I already hate the way I look... I can't even stomach the thought of looking WORSE!!!

I'm a mess at work. I'm a manager, so the stress is going to be high no matter what. But with all the insanity in my head sometimes it's unbearable. I'm always wondering if the people over me are regretting promoting me. Are they plotting to replace me? Do they think I'm any good at all? And on the other side I'm worried about how the people under me are perceiving me. Do they take me seriously? Do they have faith in me? Do they respect me? Am I even good at being a leader?
I'm a hard worker. But it's honestly only because I'm terrified of being yelled at. I'm terrified of someone thinking I'm lazy. I'm terrified of not being good enough in someone else's eyes. Which is normal. But... to this extent?

The first real memory I have of this kind of anxiety is way back in elementary school. I can remember missing the school bus and having a panic attack. Yes, a little 7 year old panic attack. I'd hyperventilate and cry. My parents always laughed at me for it. But it was no laughing matter in my little brain. I was horrified by the thought of walking into school late. The teachers asking why, all the other students looking at me, watching me come in to class and sit down. Having everyone's eyes on me at the same time... Judging. This fear carried on into my adult life. Very few things are as scary to me as being late. What will my coworkers think of me? Will their views of me change if I'm late? Will they trust me? Will they make assumptions? 
There was one day a few months ago, I was about ready to leave for work, I looked out my bedroom window to our little parking lot to make sure the coast was clear. I don't go out to my car if one of our neighbors is out there. Unfortunately this day my neighbor was cleaning out his car. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it would be okay I could not make myself go outside to my car. I waited there at the window, watching, waiting for the guy to leave so I could get to my car. I ended up being half an hour late to work. The stress of being late and the thoughts of what everyone must be thinking about me where weighing so heavily on me that day I must have spent half my day hiding in the back room crying.

Apart from all these stories there's the little things. The nightmares. The self destruction. The violence. The secrets. The shame. Craving alcohol daily to help me express myself and feel less. It's exhausting. It's lonely. It's me.

How I went so long without realizing I have a social anxiety disorder is beyond me. Ever since the idea was brought up to me it's been painfully obvious. I know everyone gets stressed. I know everyone worries. But I feel like if I keep lying to myself about not being any different than everyone else, I'll never be able to fix me.