New Years Resolution

This used to be my favorite holiday. It really did. Slowly things have just gotten really lame. 4 years ago Allyson was here, we watched Family Guy, ate noodles and had way too much fun. Year after at midnight I was at Caitlin's, with all my best friends and in the arms of Christian. Last year I was at Caitlin's.. and it was kinda lame. Caitlin, Allyson, Joe and I were the group. This year I'm sitting at home on my computer writing a blog wishing things could be better.
Better...
Better...... Yes. My New Years resolution. Better. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better Friend. I want to feel better about myself. I want life to get better. I'm not going to get any more specific because that will just end in me feeling like a failure. I don't want to be a failure anymore. I want to get better.

Screams

... and then I drove to the bottom of that dead end road, parked, turned off my lights and screamed. I screamed until my muscles cramped up, my ears popped and I could taste the blood in my throat. I clenched my hands into tight fists, brought my legs up, curled into a little ball and screamed into my knees. No words. No need for them. Raw emotion. My head throbbing with anger and hate pulsating through my veins. And I just kept screaming.

&sheRambles

Don't bother trying to see if you're one of these people... They might not even exist.

I wish you’d respect my wishes.I miss you.I hate you.You’re a horrible person.Remember that time…I need you.Forgive me.I’m sorry.What’s wrong with you.I want to help.Why won’t you help me.Give it up.Please believe me.Why’d you hurt me like that.Ask me what I think.I was lying.

Come back.Call me.Forget me.Ignore it all.Don’t read it.I just want you to be happy.You keep me alive.I don’t need you.I’m glad you’re gone.I did’t want you to know.Who needs you anyway.Listen to me dammitI love you.

Notice me.Find me.Help me.Get away.What can I do.You don’t even exist.I’ll do anything.I can be useful.I can love.I wish you could.Come understand me.Let me talk at you.Overlook me.I’m not here.I’m being kind.Make my life better.You have the power.I don’t need you.

Dante

My dog died yesterday. They put him to sleep without telling me...
wtf.
='(

Can't be fixed

"Everyone has the same problem once they get close to you. We can't fix you."

Dear World,
I've never asked anyone to fix me. But I can see how if you care about someone you'll want to. Or if you're close to someone you feel the obligation. I guess that really is how I lose all my closest friends. I'm frustrating because I don't like myself, I have problems and the only one who can fix any of it is me. And I don't bother... My biggest problem with friends is that I'm me. ... Somethings got to change. I generally feel if people REALLY want to be my friend they can be. But, I'm done fighting stupid battles. The root of the problem is always my flawed personality. I'm sorry I exist world!! I'm sorry I'm here!! I try not to hurt people. I care more about other people than I could ever care for myself. That's a good thing in other people... It's a bad thing in me. I'm sorry the rules don't apply to me. I'm sorry I'm too screwed up to make you feel good about yourself.

Fuck you.

IDK

I feel bad when I make people worry. You'd think it would be nice to know they care enough to worry. But it doesn't. I don't know what I want from people... I want them to leave me alone most of the time. But, damn you all for not being in my life. I've been trying to analyze myself. I guess I want there to be someone already close, already informed and trusted to be here for me. I have a lot of people who I trust to certain degrees, and I love a lot of my Friends dearly... but, I guess I'm wearing too many masks to give anyone a chance to really understand me. I don't want to tell anyone my whole story. I hate my whole story and I can't see anyone being accepting of it. It's probably wrong to assume that.. give them the benefit of the doubt emily! ... I'm scared. I miss some of my old friends... All but one walked away from me first. So there's no real point in trying to get them back. The one I walked away from probably doesn't care anymore. And even if he did... so much drama... I want to be someones favorite. I miss being someones number 1. Or, feeling like people really want me around. I'm quite a burden. I realize that. The emotional, irrational emily.

Yesterday I got to thinking about how amazing it would be to just leave here. If you could just move on with your life, start a new one. If after I do or don't graduate I just say, "goodbye life, it was interesting, time to move on!" But no... it's got to be the same life huh? It all get carried with you. Becomes a part of you.

I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want them to leave me alone or be my best friends. I don't know if I miss him, or if I'm glad the worst has finally got to be over. I don't know if I want to like that one guy... Or if I'm smarter than that. I just don't know.

Not Graduating?

I failed brit lit. Wonderfull. lets see I've failed: Photo, Euro 2 semesters, american lit, alg 1, brit lit... 8 classes. I've made up 1. ... I can't afford correspondance. I'm screwed. My life... Seriously reaching one of the all time low standards. ...I wish I could just quit.

I shouldn't drive

I've had my license for about 8 months. I've been hit 3 times. Once by the cat woman. Once in an intersection in my mom's van. And today, in the parking lot at school. My poor car.. It must hate me. I hate driving. I never do anything wrong. and in all the cases there's not even anything I can do to prevent the damage... people just don't multitask... THINK AND DRIVE AT THE SAME TIME!!! SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD!

Advice from East

When asked the question, "What's the meaning of Emily's life" Mr. East responded with, "It all kind of depends... Emily is an interesting character. She needs to stop picking guys and enjoy her life with her friends and take care of business, tackle problems, not avoid them."

He's close... Need to "stop picking guys".. Well yeah, I've been single for 6 months. My main goal in life lately has been to stay away from relationships. Check!

"Enjoy her life with friends." Well jee, maybe if my friends were a little more accepting I could talk to them about myself, and then I'd feel more comfortable around them. I don't enjoy my friends if i don't feel a connection with them. And, I can't feel connections with people who're mean to me or accepting.

"Tackle problems, not avoid them." Good idea I guess. With my personality not the best advice maybe... I try to tackle my problems but it always ends up in me getting lost in them and the only way out is to avoid them. The main problem is I'm weak willed and care very little about myself.

I wish there was still someone in my life who understood me to give me advice. I appreciate the thoughts... I don't even understand me. i don't really expect anyone else to.

parsnip

A few months ago a spider was climbing up my wall...
I smashed it with a shoe.

It's still there.

Then and Now

Three years ago. Freshman year... I had decent grades. I didn't sleep much.. my best friends were Allyson, Sam, Avi at times.. Loved the dance team with all my heart. Wanted to stick to it forever. No job. No relationship. No car. But I was happy.

Two years ago. Sophmore year... My grades sucked. I was in Euro. I had been dating Chirstian for a couple months. I was in love. I wasn't dancing.. My grades were too lame. And I missed it more than I knew I could miss anything. Best friends were Allyson, Caitlin, Timmy and Shelby.. Starting to become friends with Harry.

A year ago. Junior year... My grades.. eh, not TOO bad. My heart, falling apart. My best freind Harry, but things were starting to fall appart. Still good friends with Allyson, Caitlin. I was dancing again. Getting ready to go to competition in Utah. I lived for it.

This year. Senior year... Grades, all over the place. Heart, broken. I dance, but it's not much fun anymore. Frustrating mostly. No relationship. I refuse. best friends... It changes with the day. But I'm not very close to anyone. Anyone gets to close and I push them away...

Can I go back to Freshman year and try this again?

Interesting.

I just had this random feeling that it would be pretty amazing feeling if someone just took my apart and put me back together.

Analysis:

I don't feel real. As I imagine it I don't see blood or any kind of gore. mainly I see myself as a Barbie or a Mr. Potato Head...

Maybe I do see it hurting... the things that hurt the most end up helping us the most. ... mmm, I don't think that's it.

Maybe I'm not put together right. I feel like there's a reason everything goes wrong in my life. Chances are if everything goes wrong in MY life... It probably has something to do with me... Simple enough. Maybe if I was put back together something would connect right.. I'd be fixed.

Everyone Deserves Explanations

I can't seem to get my thoughts around the right words to explain how I feel towards you. I was trying to help... I knew it was a bad idea.. but I didn't want you hurt. Somehow me doing that ended in me being the one who doesn't care and can't be trusted. ... I'm at a loss... You said you decided to ignore it.. forget about it or something.. Oh good, my risk at my own expense ends up only changing things between you and I. I know you'll say it's only changing because I'm making it. Well... I need it to change. You asked if we could just be friends... Hasn't that been the problem question for years? Lately things have changed... I know it's not the same for you. But my emotions changed a lot because of it. Okay, I'm jealous. Happy? Again, I bet this whole thing is all my fault in one way or another. Have you ever noticed that NOTHING is ever your fault?? *Sigh* ... You said you could have used me today. Well how about all those days when you really could have if you wanted to and didn't. It only ever seems to be when we're fighting that you suddenly need me. ... I'm not feeling guilty about it anymore. I refuse. You say you COULD have used me. ... I miss being needed. And I'm tired of being used. I wish you could see it from my point of view. But you won't... Yes it hurts me. Happy? Yes, I was up all night crying. Happy? Yes, I care about you. Happy? Yes, You have the power to control my emotions and make me feel however bad you feel I should feel... Happy? .... You used to help me. Then you just stopped. You just gave up thinking of me like that. You've always hurt me. But in the past there was a reason to look beyond it. What about now? ... What do I have to help me look past the hurt? I'm having problems and you know that... even though you know it you won't give me a break... you won't give me some slack.. or some help.. It's not always about you. And right now I can't stand it being about you anymore. ... This is where my decision comes from.. I am sorry. You may not believe me but I'm sorry.

Dear Santa,

This year for Christmas I don't want any material object. I want true and complete happiness. I know this is a lot.. but I think I've been... as good as I could have been under the circumstances this year. There's many steps to this Christmas wish..

1- I want my boys back. All the guys who I put all my effort into and then they left me when they didn't need me anymore. I want them back. I want to be needed again. Make Christian talk to me. Fix my uncertainty with Adam. Give Adam 2 his cell phone back. Bring me Harry. I miss Joe...

2- For me to be completely happy I need some things with my friends to change. Caitlin needs to have better luck with vehicles! It's getting ridiculous. She needs better luck, that's where we can start. Next, Hannah needs an extra couple good friends.. a boy too maybe.. someone who will treat her how she deserves to be treated. Fix Allyson's heart please. Don't let Lavina lose anything more. Throw some joy into Sam's life. Kylie could use a few extra good friends too. Let Ashleigh have her boy. Make Ashley's parents more accepting.

3- I'm going to need a few extra little things okay? Courage, self esteem.. little things like that alright?

4- Medically, we have ourselves a challenge. Santa I don't want doctors, those are expensive just bring me a Christmas miracle of health. You do that right?

Bring all this together and I might be able to handle life a little better... I can't change any of this stuff by myself. I can't get help with any of it. I need a miracle. I may not have been the best person this year, but I've kept my head above water for the most part. I'm trying, that deserves something right? Santa, I know your Schedule is busy and you have a LOT to do in the nest few weeks, but if you happen to get things done early, I'd really appreciate some help in my life.

Sincerely,
Emily Borecki

Solitude

Marc showed this poem to me last year.. He said it reminded him of me.

Solitude
By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,—
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Random

What do you think would cost more? Busy bodies or annoyance?

Is there any meaning in random thoughts?

Do you ever just get really pissed off at wheat bread?


-Parenthetical me-

Imperceptible me. Tenacious me. Neglectful, impractical, entertaining, despondent, uncertain, detested and unrelenting me. Enchanting, ambiguous, vivacious, scheming, mysterious me...


Yes?

"Adam Friend"

I don't have the courage to send this directly to him. It's less nerve racking to just leave it to chance that he might read this randomly.

Dear Adam,

Where are you? What happened with us? I can't actually decide whose fault it is that we don't talk anymore. I know how it started. I messed up. But I messed up me! It had nothing to do with you. But yes, I messed up. I can understand your frustration but... what ever happened to always being there for me? I don't even know what's been going on with you... Apart from the obvious issues of space and time(and phone phobias...) I just don't feel like I'm allowed to talk to you anymore. I get the vibe you WANT this. ... Adam I miss you. Sometimes when I'm having a breakdown and crying all over myself I consider calling you, texting you... But I don't. I won't. You were my best friend. You knew everything. Now you know absolutely nothing! And it feels weird to call you friend. Show me a sign. Give me a hint. I'm drowning. You've made it onto my list of every other guy in my life. You gave up... at least, I think you did. I have to tell you, I gave up on you right back. It feels horrible.

Wish I could be...

... part of your world.

I watched The Little Mermaid last night. At the end of the movie I cried for about half an hour.
It just isn't fair. Her lover boy risks his life for her, saves her(and everyone else) and in the end she gets to be with him because her father loves her just that much. Happily ever after.

My family hates me and I lost my prince!

I always think I'm over it. It never seems real until it hits me that hard. How, HOW can I STILL curl up in a little ball and scream and cry and feel complete and total agony... because he's gone? I dig deep inside my heart and find a hole. An empty space. I have to ask myself what was even there to begin with?! A pretty face... A compassionate romance... A caring soul... A detached person... A secretive being... A shy and timid child... A liar... I cheater... A coward. ... My Prince? Ugh I try again and again to convince myself he's not worth hurting over. It doesn't work I gave him everything I had. I promised love... forever. A word to the wise never feel any emotion with ALL your heart. When it leaves you're left with nothing. I'm still pulling myself back together. I'm still suffering and hurting. There's no possible way to explain it. Every time I hear our song I have to tear my mind away from thoughts of him. Late at night when I'm feeling lonely and have no one to talk to I think of him.. and I cry. I see him walking up those stairs at the airport... I see him waking up to the kiss I gave him... I see him holding me in his arms and telling me how much he loves me... And I see myself, alone, tortured and forgotten. It's been a year and a half since I last saw him! Why can't I forget??! Why can't I move on!!? Why won't it stop hurting!!?! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of him!! Anything before him doesn't matter. And, neither does anything in the future. Because he's not in it... I have no reason to still love him. He'd think I'm a horrible fool if he knew how I felt. He doesn't love me. He doesn't like me, think about me or care what the fuck happens to me! He's moved on. It doesn't hurt him. ...I always knew he was a super hero. We used to say we both were... Super heroes don't fall apart like I have.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Do I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I haven't forgotten anything about him... Anything at all. My mind won't let me. Someone find me a new prince. I feel like Sleeping beauty.. I'm trapped. Immobile until my Prince comes and releases me from my spell. It sounds SO dumb to say this stuff.. I'm 18!!! But hey... I found love. I lost love. I'll never be a Disney Princess. I'll never be that happy. *sigh* I want to get away. I want someone to take me away. I've been struggling through this pain alone for too long.. I want love. I miss love. Yes, thank you Lavina I know I have a bouquet of freaks to pick from. And yes, thank you Chris, believe it or not I HAVE noticed I'm the only one who hasn't been in a relationship this year. ... I don't think people realize how unbearable my life is to me. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I feel empty and lonely. I feel useless and unimportant. But.. I am strong. I will make it one way or another. I just wish I had some help. I wish I had a Flounder to swing through life with... A cheery tea set to sing to me and give me advice... A guardian dragon to make things fun and give me motivation. ...Stupid Disney. I'm alone. I lost my prince. I don't have those companions. I'm Bell before the beast. I'm Cinderella before the fairy god mother(and without the mice I guess). I'm Aurora, trapped in the woods, living as a peasant girl. But hey.. I can dream right? What else do I have?

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I can't say it- Part 2

Person 1- You're SO absorbed in your own issues you can't ACTUALLY see problems other people are having as real problems at all! You're a pain in the ass. and you're NOT nice!! You're a snooty, self centered jerk.

Person 2- You're a fool. If you would just listen to me your life would make more sense to you. I'm sure of it. Shit, listen to anyone else... Anyone but her.

Person 3- I gave up on you. I tend to do that when people give up on me.

Person 4- Get out of my head. I'm sick of you being there and I have no right to let you be there anyway. I'm over it. Now go away! Even farther away than you are!

Person 5- I still think of you a lot. Not as much... but I still wonder if you think about me too.

Person 6- I don't like being used. Stop. I won't always be here for you to cry on.

Person 7- Just leave. I beg you... Just leave my life. Leave me alone... I don't have the courage to tell you I hate you being in my life.

Person 8- Pathetic... How much I want to just tell you you're a horrible friend... It's... Pathetic. That's the only word that fits.