Goodbye?

So this blog has become too heavy. I'm trying to move to a new chapter of my life and I feel like I need to disconnect myself from this place. 

I have started a new blog http://theneuroticsocialphobic.wordpress.com/

This blog is also heavy but I'm determined to use it to document me rising from the ashes. (So Dramatic!) The new blog is also more focused. I have realized my Anxiety is an issue I need to actually DEAL WITH and not just complain about. So I am on a healthy journey upward, starting by diving deep to the bottom of my emotional and metal mater. I may return here now and then but the majority of posts will be posted elsewhere. 

Thank you Parenthetical Me for the many, many years of creativity and expression.

I find nothing more cathartic and liberating than sitting with a good friend and having a truly honest and fearless conversation about my innermost thoughts and feelings. And that is something I haven't done in a very long time.

My inability to communicate leaves me with an intense feeling of pent-up expression. Everything I feel (and I admit, I often feel too much) gets trapped under my skin. Negative and positive emotions colliding together in such abundance makes it impossible for me to direct the energy outward in any logical manner. With no outlet, and no real grasp on any specific feeling at a given time, the pressure intensifies by the day.

As much as I want to say to someone,

"Hey, do you have time to talk? I feel terrible. Always. And I need your help."

or

"I have crazy bad social anxiety and would really appreciate it if you took the lead on a conversation about me."

or

"I'm moments away from implosion, care to lend an ear?"

All I can seem to manage is asking someone to have coffee, then sitting there in silence as they tell me their problems.
And don't get me wrong, I love being there for people and am glad they feel I can be trusted... I just wish I had a fraction of the courage they have when expressing their feelings. And it's probably not even "courage" to other people. It's probably "normal."

I don't know what happened to me. I can remember a time when my feelings were something I expressed to anyone willing to listen. I felt powerful expressing myself and in turn gaining the care, trust and love of people close to me.

But I've shut down.

I feel like the ones close to me don't even know me. Because anymore I don't even know me. I can't express myself to anyone else and I can't express myself to me.

All I know are disjointed feelings and incomplete thoughts.

I'm

lonely without

sad because

scared of

frustrated with

disappointed at

lost in

confused about

anxious when

I don't know what to do about this and it's been going on far too long. Over a year's gone by and I've felt the same way the whole time. I [don't]deal with it in very unhealthy ways and I know it's time to find an outlet. But I can't find a way out. And I just can't seem to ask for the help. 

Because lets face it. This is pathetic. I'm too good/smart/capable/old for this shit. And the feeling I would surely get when explaining this all would only make me feel worse. More shame, fear and regret is just not something I've got room for. 

I'm stuck.

I could use a time machine...

I just don't feel like I belong in this world of tweets, texts and selfies. I'm a modest girl and a private person. I force the occasional status update or Instagram picture out into the world, but I'm just not comfortable with it. I'm not a social [media] butterfly but that doesn't mean I don't want attention. It doesn't mean I have no thoughts or opinions. It doesn't mean I don't want friends. With social media you can decide what traits to share with the world. Maybe I want my friends to like me despite seeing the traits I'm not comfortable posting online. Personally I think that's the key to a deeper friendship. I don't want to have a heart to heart through my phone. I want real life love. Unfortunately for people like me, feeling this way only leads to loneliness.

Unavoidable Anxiety

Unavoidable anxiety attack.

Someone asks me to do something I don't want to do.

If I do it, I'm in a position I don't want to be in.

Ergo, anxiety

If I don't do it I'm not living up to someone's expectations and now they're probably judging me. ... No, they're definitely judging me.

So yeah, obvious anxiety.

And what if I'm being asked something obviously unreasonable?

Well it makes sense to them apparently so what if I'm the one with the warped point of view??

=Anxiety. 

I'm sick of feeling so awful all the time...

Book #1 - The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Woa

My New Years Resolution is to Read at least 25 books this year. I searched through many book recommendation lists and (because I'm me) vlogs. Any book I saw come up in more than two lists I put down on my list. I'm going to write a little bit about each book here in my blog mainly so I can look back and remember them better.

The first book I read was The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Woa.

I wanted to do a quick book summary but just thinking about it bores me.
I did not enjoy this book as much as I was expecting to. It was honestly more like a series of short stories and that type of novel is just not really me cup of tea. It changes narrators 2 or 3 times and changes protagonists 5 or 6 times. Once I got into one story and started feeling for the character the book would move me to another character in another time. The story I got most into was actually the story of Oscars mother. Had the whole book been about her I may have enjoyed it more. As you can probably guess by the title of the book Oscar does die in the end... And I didn't even care.

K, on to the next book!