A WHAT!?

A guy came up to the counter today and asked for a "quickie." After a couple minutes of offended confusion and rude comments I realized he wanted a quiche.

Pieces Of Me

I don't like grilled cheese sandwiches or coffee for the same reason.

I love Christmas, I hate Christmas songs.

When I'm in the bathtub I HATE when water gets in my belly button before the rest of my stomach is completely submerged.

I find it odd that I am not afraid to touch sponges.

My boobs are uneven.

I love saying, "I told you so."

I get pink mail... =/

I hold onto material possessions. Gifts, pictures, other memorabilia, because I'm scared of finding out someone or something I loved never existed.

I'm terribly shy.

I can't whistle. I only remember to practice when I'm around people. And they ALWAYS tell me to shut up before I get anywhere, by the time I remember to practice again, I'm back at square one.

I feel offended when people don't use a recipe while cooking.

I can't breath when I wear leather clothing.

I've never endangered my life by trying.

pretending to be nice to costumers trained me to actually be nice to real people.

A doctor once told me I had borderline personality disorder.

I love to pluck hair. Like eyebrows or men's growing facial hair.

I hate when people cuss around young children, pregnant women and old people.

I can't swim. I don't catch and I wish I could Juggle.

I'm one of those girls.. I have a HUGE crush on Robert Pattinson.

I feel more comfortable in small spaces.

I think everything tastes better in small portions.

Chances are, I will NEVER admit to loving you (whoever you are) as much as I really do.

My favorite musician is a big Nordic, redhead with dreds, facial hair and a soothing voice.

I also like Wham, Cher, Hall and Oats and Clay Aiken.

I often sit in my car and count the vehicles that pass. Sometimes just the red ones. Sometimes just the black ones.

I have no secrets. Between about 6 people, they know everything.

I've always wanted to be thinner. But I love food so damn much!

I'm terrified of people touching my toes.

I'm legally blind in one eye. And my hearing sucks.

How... Words.

There's so much I want to explain right now...

How great I feel sometimes.

How confusing this past week has been.

How much I want to take the words back.

How much I appreciate the honesty and love.

How tired I am.

How frustrated I am.

How I could for the first time ever, feel myself as a person changing. While it happened.

How hard I'm trying.

How much I've let go.

How little I want to fight.

How free I feel.

How much I want to impress.

How I just don't see how it was SO easy for her to cast me aside...

How surprisingly little I care.

How grateful I am to have my life the way it is now.

I want to explain so much right now. But there's too many thoughts in one place. I'm having a hard time separating the thoughts at the moment. So this'll do. =)

Just rambling, I promise. lol

I've tried to explain this countless times on this blog... The me, not connecting to myself thing. I think the thing I have a problem with is that I used to define who I was with who and how I loved. These days, I love less. I love a lot of people still.. Ashleigh, Ashley, Keenan, Adam 1, Adam 2, Lavina, Laura, Marc, Sam 1, Sam 2, Joe, Hannah... But I never see them. Ashleigh is busy with Adam 3 and school. Ashley lives in Tennessee and has a baby and a husband. Adam 1 is in another state. Adam 2 I never see. Lavina is hard to reach. Laura, Sam1 and Sam 2 are all busy with work and school. Marc lives in Canada. Joe lives in New Hampshire. Hannah is busy with school and boyfriend. Keenan is my best friend. But a person needs more than one friend. I love all those people but I have to keep my love at a distance or it bothers me that I never see them or in some cases that I don't receive the love back. Without being close to people I have a hard time being close to me. I love my life. But I don't feel connected with it exactly. Hopefully this is the last time I try to explain this... lol. It never works. Maybe this is me saying to anyone who reads this blog, "Hey, I miss you. I love you." If I were smart I could become closer to the ones I actually see... But that leaves my coworkers and Keenan's family.. lol. I really like the people I work with. Jake is hilarious. Taylor's adorable and fun to chat with. Bobbi's my boss.. lol. And David hovers between amusing, fun and hurtful. But I don't hang out with any of them outside work. Apart from one party at least. My "roommates" Allyson and Caitlin and I used to be friends. Best friends in fact. But they live a life I'm not interested in living. And it's hard to connect with people who can't see eye to eye with. And people who don't really care if you're friends or not. I often wish I would just randomly meet someone. A costumer maybe. Someone in the mall.. a friends friend.. and we'd talk, text, hang out, and just talk all the time. They'd care about what I had to say. They'd open up and tell me about their life. And *POOF* Best friend. But it doesn't usually happen like that. More than that scenario... I'd love an old friend to text me with a, "Hey, I miss you. Lets hang out." And things would work their way back to a close friend mode. I just feel a little empty.. Not much, but a little. I'm happy. But I know I could be better.

YES!!

Muhahaha! I'm convincing.

To my friend,

who tells me everything. The friend who can talk me to sleep. The friend who knows when I'm smiling, over the phone.

who writes to me. Who left but isn't gone. Who shows up online when I do, and brightens my day by simply being. The friend who thinks I'm funny. The friend who can make me feel intelligent.

who I can go a month without seeing, and we never lose that connection. To the friend I can dance and sing with in the car. The friend who gives the best hugs. The friend who confuses the words "lilo and stitch" with "skittle." =P

who was never really gone. The friend I've been across oceans with. The friend who I can trust no matter what when it really matters.

who spends every day with me. Who doesn't hide anything from me. The friend that knows my every emotion. The friend who lets me know I'm "important."

who I haven't seen in five years. Who I can still get on the phone with and talk about whatever. The friend I would give nearly anything to go see. The friend I miss the most.

I love you.

What is it about him,

that makes me care so much? Evey idea, every opinion, every word is important. The fewer the words the more important. It all effects the way I think and I just don't know why. I want to never lose contact with him. But at the exact same time I want to disappear from his life. I don't know why. It's not admiration, lust, jealousy or spite. Makes me want to be a better person. Makes me want to go back and erase all the mistakes. Makes me want to fall apart. Lose myself. I want to say, "See! You didn't fallow me! You didn't care! I knew it!" ... But I don't know that. I know that wouldn't happen and I love him for that. But I want it to happen anyway. I want to find a flaw in the pristine being he is. I want to be friends with him because he's so perfect. And I don't know why. I'm not crazy, I know it's unjustifiable. I know it's ridiculous. I know I have no reason to feel any of it. But I do. and I don't know why. I've only acted on this once. And it was stupid. I felt like an idiot. So now they're just thoughts in my head. Nothing more. But if I were him I would want to know. But he wouldn't... How about you? Would you want to know? Please answer.

Gives them all a bad name.

It's a truth we can't escape, our world is full of social prejudice. However we can't escape knowing that some biases are justly placed. Keenan and I were at Chena Hot Springs this weekend and not even a minute after we sat down in the hot tub this guy gets in... well, stumbled in. He nearly fell on me on his way down. He sits down after gaining coordination, and starts talking to us. It's very easy to tell that the guy is drunk. And one of the first things he tells us is he's in the military. Soon after that he's telling us about "getting lucky last weekend." We humor him for a while. Just when I'm starting to feel uncomfortably hot and wanting to go outside he calls his friend over. His friend (also in the military) has two blood-shot eyes... The kind that comes from broken blood vessels. Bright red. They tell us how he got in a fight in a bar a few weeks ago. And how they were no longer allowed in. After a little more small talk they ask us about ourselves, Keenan said he was in collage and they talked about that for a minute. Then the first guy to get into hot tub, Steve, asks, "What about you?" I say, "Well, I haven't made it to collage yet but I plan on it." Steve says (very loudly) "HIGH SCHOOL!!" and then he and his blood-shot friend high five. At this point I am really wishing to leave, too hot. Keenan just stood up and leaned against the railing. Me, being in a hot tub with three guy, two of them being drunk crude GIs, didn't think it was a good idea to stand up and lean anywhere. The next topic Steve and his buddy come to is how much "Fairbanks hates the military." They can't figure out why people don't like them or how they get their bad name. "F*ck you Fairbanks!" .... If you can't see the irony in this at this point, trying reading this through again... lol

'Repitivie Patten Phobia' or 'Textophobia' ... Makes my skin crawl.

It's a phobia that hasn't been in my life long. At least not to this degree. Texture. Bumps, holes, indents, ridges, ruffles. All close together. I think it might be the fact that I can't see the whole surface.. I don't know if there's something in there, behind the bumps, behind every little edge. I don't like small moving things, and something about extreme tiny textures forces my mind to imagine something coming out of them. Even if I KNOW there's nothing in there, behind there what have you, I can't touch the thing. My bare skin cannot make contact. So even if nothing is emerging, I find it frightening in a sense. I've looked this up online and found next to nothing. I know there's other people with the weird fear. One of my friends actually has it too. The topic came up today when sponge at work. I wasn't freaked out about it... probably because I'm too used to them. But it sparked my interest on how I can be completely unable to touch these kind of textures, but I can get used to them individually? If this were any kind of real problem in my life I think I could probably familiarize myself with objects I don't like enough to where they didn't gross me out anymore... But I'm not about to even try that.

This is keenan writing now. See, emily didn't want to look at the page after she put the honeycomb picture up lol. Her fear mostly lies in organic textures, (bone marrow, shriveled things, sunflower centers, fish scales etc etc). This phobia is not as bad as her toe touching phobia.... don't ever touch her toes

Me, Myself, I and Emily Robyn.

I can't tell if I've changed into someone so different that it's just taking a long time to catch up to... Or if this me just won't connect with the rest of Me's the way myself once did with Emily. I know myself hasn't changed all that much. But I have. It's hard to see if you're not this Emily. It's not even seen. Felt. Or... Not felt. I just do not feel in tune with me. Like my emotions are sitting on a shelf neatly lined up and evenly spaced. And then there's me on the other wall. With my blond poofy hair and my blue blue eyes. Lined up among the other people. Other "Emily's." There's a clear space between me and the emotions of myself. Easy to see, hard to reach. I've always wanted to be a part of something. Half a couple. Part of a team. Someone's best friend. But now I want me to know myself. I want to be the two parts of me combined. I want to fill the space between with whatever's missing. Collage. Independence. Health. Faith. I don't know what goes in the space but I know I'll need that bridge at some point...

Allergies

So about two months ago I had some blood drawn. The doctors idea was that my skin issues might be brought on be a food allergy. So I payed like $300 to get my blood tested and I'm allergic to:

Yeast.
Eggs.
Cranberries.
Flour.
Mushrooms.
Wheat.
Whey.
Red Grapes.
Cheese.

And I don't understand completely but there's something about an intolerance to large amounts of sugar and dairy.

Which leaves me with meat and veggies mostly. A lot of fruits too, but for one reason or another my doctor is asking that I go three weeks without eating anything but meant and vegetables. same I live off fruit and bread... Fortunately she said it's probably not ALL of these hurting my skin.. I suggested I just stop eating one at a time.. But apparently it can take up to a week for a food allergy reaction to occur after you've actually eaten it. So.. it would take s while to do all that. Hopefully I can narrow it down to just one or two of these that I need to avoid. Or just changing my diet to MOSTLY meat and vegetables, but not cutting everything else out. We'll see. Basically I'm annoyed. If I have to choose between good skin and good food... I'll probably go for the good skin but that would make the rest of my life annoying. or not.. lol I actually have no idea it's just bothersome right now. Anyway, I'm off to eat another potato.

Shapes. You. Next? Life. Me. Great! False. RAWR!

Shapes in the clouds.

Figures in the stars.

Patterns in the rock.

If only life could be looked at from so far away.

I have a blog I want to post to you. But I'm scared it'd make you angry... I always made you so angry.

I don't want to know how it ends.
I just want to know what comes next.

I miss what I had.

I'll miss what I have.

I feel somethings missing.

lol Life.

I'm difficult to see,

impossible to catch,

easy to love,

hard to hold onto

and never quite what you thought I'd be.

WHY WON'T YOU LET ME PUT A SPACE HERE?!?

"Have a great day!" (asshole) "Have a great day!" (asshole) "Have a great day!" (asshole.) "Have a great day!" (asshole) "Have a great day!" (asshole.)

OR HERE!??!

I miss writing blogs.

I wrote blogs when I was upset.

Therefore I miss being upset................................................................False =P

RAWR!

Empowerment

You'd be inclined
To be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you
You're the catalyst

You'll be the vein
you'll be the pain
you'll be the scar

You'll be the road
Rolling below
The wheels of a car

And all of the thoughts on
God,
Don't know if I'm strong enough now

You'll be the vein
you'll be a pain
you'll be the catalyst

The best thing you ever did for me was help destroy me. Without turning into something nine tenths collapsed I would have never turned into something nine tenths rebuilt. Nine tenths improved. I know that is a time in my life I will always look back on in embarrassment and regret. A time where I gave you everything. My friendships were in your hands. I fought so hard to keep things stable and silent. How was that not unnerving to you? How could you think nothing was wrong? All my pathetic attempts to keep my secret. But it wasn't enough. You destroyed my reputation and my trust in you all at once. You will never know the depth of the emptiness I felt when you left me. I was alone. I was betrayed. I was scared. I was replaced... I was free. I've hated you. I've regretted you. I've missed you. My heart had been broken, my world unbalanced... and you just couldn't see how much it all was still taring me apart. No, I don't blame you alone. I hated myself for it just as much as you. I hated us. But as much as I've always wanted that us to disappear, I wouldn't be me without it. And me, right now, as I am, is the best me I've ever known. So thank you. I have little respect for you, no real emotion left for you, but I thank you. In some bizarre twisted way you've helped me. It's like burning a field so better life can grow in it's place. You were that fire. And I will never forget that.

Those Republicans...

I don't have a problem with Republicans. Some of the basic actions and ideas of them bother me.. Take the four men who come into the cafe every morning... Few weeks ago I heard, "Last night I saw a video online showing school children singing a praise to Obama. It was one of the scariest things I've ever heard." ... OH NO! God forbid we praise our president! How DARE they let small children think having respect and showing honor for their leaders and country is a good idea! That's ridiculous!

A few weeks later I heard something along the lines of, "I can't believe they're showing Obama speech to school kids in classrooms... I would never let my children see that." .... Me neither.. if one of my nations role models and leaders was giving a speech telling kids to stay in school and work hard I would keep my children at home that day. Might as well show them porn. ... Stupid teachers."

The one that gets me the most- This morning, "I cannot believe they gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. What the hell has he done to deserve that?" How about changing how America treats the rest of the world? How's that for a start? Over the past eight years if any country got in our way Bush either bought them off or bullied them. The world hated us. Winning a Nobel Prize isn't a joke. The republicans at the cafe hate it... because unlike some republicans, they hate everything democratic. The ideas, the party, the politicians. Everything. A republican hasn't won the Nobel Peace Prize since 1973 when Henry Kissinger helped stop the Vietnam war. Since then 3 or 4 democrats have won it. But no... It's not enough to win what is probably THE biggest international honor. There's a lot of Nobel Prizes. Ones of literature, mathematics, science.. but the Peace Prize is about as high as it gets. You don't get one in a box of cracker-jacks. This morning they said it was just probably enough democrats close to the judges just asking for Obama to get it. They select the winners in Sweden you morons! These people get elected to do this BECAUSE they can look at things objectively. BECAUSE they can see the big picture. Unlike those men in the cafe who are just CERTAIN that the republican party is right, and the rest of the world is wrong! How can they be the only ones with valid points? How?!

I make it a personal policy to not talk about politics in public. The people disagreeing with you don't care what you have to say, and very few people will listen closely enough to ever consider changing their minds. Republican OR Democrat. I just REALLY needed that off my chest. And don't get me wrong.. I don't hate all republicans or anything.. Those ones at the cafe bother me. And I never get a chance to argue... not that they would listen... Not that I'd have the nerve.

What's it all about?

I feel like writing more blogs lately. But I can't find anything to write about. I used this blog as a tool for venting.. and now.. I dunno I try to keep updates but it's always been the same, the words only flow when I'm sad. Happiness takes fewer words to explain. For me Happiness isn't an emotion. It's ABOUT something. It's ABOUT working hard and gaining from it. It's being able to forgive. It's ABOUT achieving goals. It's ABOUT trusting. It's ABOUT accepting life, and loving it anyway. I can only reach so far to hold onto the ones I loved. But at some point I've realized it's not about me. I can try to make things right with my family.. But no matter what I do things don't change. Is it my fault? No. It's not about me.
Life. This life. My life. That's about me. Who I care for. Changes I can make. Ways I can help the world. My world.

The Little Things

It's annoying that once I'm in a good place in my life I just never happen to see my friends. I think that's the only thing missing. I see Ashleigh here and there. Hannah every now and then but apart from that it's just Keenan and I. Ditching my friends for a boy? some might think that but no. It's just not like that. Thing is I just don't see people. I don't know anyones school schedules, so it's frustrating trying to plan stuff. And people stopped texting so much so it's just awkward to start talking. I dunno I saw things turning out differently. I guess a big part of it is also how busy I am. Maybe it's just work, but it takes a lot out of me. 40 hours a week at 6am is exhausting. It's a great shift don't get me wrong. I make some damn good money... but I have little energy after work. Sitting in massage chairs at Saddlers with Ashleigh was pretty much the perfect afternoon. But I still feel run down. I miss being able to just sit and talk with Lavina. Getting lunch with Sam. Sitting with a group of friends at Kylie's watching Killer Tomatoes or something. Just little things like that ya know? But I'm just not sure how to get from one place to another. How did I get from there to here? ... I really don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I'm doing rather well there's just little things missing. And anyone who's seen Zombieland will know as well as I do, that enjoying the little things is important =P

Changes

My life is almost nothing like it was a year ago. Different best friends. Different job. No school. And moving out soon. It's weird how as things are happening you don't notice that they're actuall;y changing your life. Looking back I ask myself, "Where was I when all this happened?" Too close to see what was going on. I was a wreck a year ago. Those close to me then will remember... Well, I dunno I kept my life quiet. Even the small things. Now, I feel put together. I'm trying to remind myself time and time again that things are going well. As I can feel myself getting sucked into the darkness of the changing seasons. Already, just with the easlier nights, later days, I feel down. My heart and I know things are going well. My emotions and I are convinced otherwise. What side am I on anyway? ... I can tell already this year winter will be better. I miss the company of a lot of people... Dance people. Best friends. Classmates. But I truely am surrounded by the small group of people who really care for me. It's easier to have hope now. Easier to keep my head above water. It's still hard, still a chore. But this winter.. I think I might be able to beat it.

I can't wait.

I'm getting so excited for moving out. Sure thing aren't the way I planned. Not going to Tennessee. Yet. But I'm getting out of my house. I have a great job. I've always wanted to be independent. It's just been something in my nature ever since high school started. I've got everything I need for my new room. Book shelf, bed, lamp, pillows, night stand, laundry hamper, door lock, coat hangers.. lol just those little things are getting me excited. Maybe not my dream roommates, but there's no real big issues. I'll probably end up keeping to myself a bit anyway.. My work schedule is different from theirs I think so when they're home I might be asleep a lot. We'll see. I'm just loving the thought of leaving home for good. I've got plans for painting my room.. all that good stuff. I'll probably post pictures when it gets put together. Naturally the main theme of my room will be kinda boring.. I'm painting the walls white and most everything else I've bought is black. And some green. I'll be nice I think. Anyway I just felt like talking about that stuff. I really wanna have a little get-together with a bunch of friends once I get my room fixed up. So keep in touch people. =)

Love.

Couples make me happy. I know it's weird. But it warms my heart to hear Hannah speaking of the miracle that is.. I guess in one word.. Val. To watch Ashleigh's face light up when Adam texts her. "My boyfriend loves me!" Whenever Adam speaks of his devotion to Shelby I smile. They're so happy. Looking online at Ashley's wedding pictures with Fred. So in love... So beautiful. I love love. Love it. Seems all my best friends are passionately falling. They're all so happy. So happy... Firsts loves, second chance loves, true love... It's beautiful. Love makes people beautiful. I love it.

Ordinary.

It seems like such a strange thing to hear. Me, "ordinary" ... No. The completely unneeded response is caught in my throat. I've heard a lot of them, "weird" "crazy" "unique" "fascinating" "complicated" None of these meant in a negative OR positive way entirely.. but none of them anything closely relating to "ordinary."

Yes, yes I am. Thank you, I've always aimed for that. How dare you. Oh well. I don't care. How rude. ... Ordinary.

I suppose ordinary is better than an unusually evil. Surprisingly hateful. Abnormally obnoxious. Or is it? Stand out in a bad way? Fade in? If it's not hurting anyone... stand out? ... Fade in. Fade out. ... Ordinary?

But why should it matter? Not like I know the guy. Met him twice. To me he seems like a being completely without personality. Boring. Rude perhaps. But I do not know. It doesn't matter. Not even a little bit.

... Ordinary.

... Ordinary.

?

Chemistry, Connection and Care

What is it that makes a person who they are? Generalizing it to, "personality" doesn't seem finite enough.. I think a person is composed of a specific accumulation of morals, interests, physical being, general outlook, attitude, faith, who and how a person loves. A simple change in interests can send a person on a complete metamorphosis. There's changes that must happen. Infant to child. Child to teen. Teen to adult. The changes while in those stages though... the unnamed ones... Those are what have me confused. Personality flips. Maturity surges. It's as if we're all caterpillars... who then turn into butterflies... then turn right back around and transform back to caterpillars.

There's some part of me that believes that once a connection has been made between two people it will be there forever... it may change, it can grow or lessen but it will always be there. A true heart to heart binds people. Or so it feels. Another part of me wants to think that connections are only temporary. The actual being of a connection comes with the feeling of invincibility. That feeling of life-long friendship. Love. There's too many situations on my mind right now to connect this train of thought with anything specific... I wish I could because I'm sure this is hard to fallow. I guess I'm just throwing thoughts into space. Wishing more than I could possibly convey that someone, anyone hears what's in my heart. What I'm not saying.. What I simply cannot say. It feels important. It feels... overwhelming.

Sometimes I care too much for my situations with people. Sometimes I force myself to feel too little. It's impossible to find the right footing when everyone is going in different directions. I feel like the sun. Like I'm the stationary piece of this crazy set-up. Just watching as things go by. Moving on with so much of my own transformation, but oblivious to where others are going with theirs. I don't ask. How could I? The words are impossible to find. Yet somehow so impossible to not say. I want to know. I want to help if I can. I want to be a part of who my friends are becoming. The trick to growing up is changing into different people without losing the best parts of who you used to be. I'm willing to back off. I'm willing to stick around. Both seem to be impossible for some people to do. As I'm sure people must think of me... I just want to understand. I want to care for as many people as I can. My heart is working as hard as it can to keep the love it has... but dammit it doesn't know where to let it's emotions land.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy with my life. I'm enjoying every day. But I can enjoy life and hurt at the same time.. this is a full summer' worth of thought, finally thrown out into a jumble of mismatched, poorly chosen words... What does it matter. It's a blog.

When the pope starts reading my blog it'll get better. When Obama starts reading my blog I'll make more sense. When Jesus becomes a "follower" of my blog I'll think clearer... And when pigs ice skate on the ceiling of hell I'll finally get a good nights rest.

"Sometimes people care too much. I think it's called love." - Winnie The Pooh

Eh..?

We're starting to feel like strangers again
It's kind of like I never knew you
It's starting to intrigue me, confuse and appease me
I'm starting to wish I knew what to do

I'm starting to forget the love that we shared
It's lost in a jumble of this and of that
I'm starting to lose it mix-up and confuse it
It's like pulling a memory out of a hat

I just want to know who you are
Like a million pieces of a puzzle uniting
The pieces reflective, a whole new perspective
Casting aside the old, faded lighting

It's not my place to say if it's time
And although with you I can't be sure
I'm wishing it true that I was to know you
Before my curiosity leaves in a blur

Bizarre...

It's an odd feeling. Unlike anything normal I'm sure. Your warmth. Your care. Your company. It's not unlike anything I've experience before. A different kind of friendship. Unexpected. Strange. Misunderstood. Quiet. Comfortable. My best friend.

Desiphering Me

"out there"

I wish there really was a way to send out a message to no one in particular. To really just send something, "out there." Who would read it? Who would listen? Would your best friend? What about you.. If they weren't your friends would you find their stories interesting at all? Would you snatch up their messages and create your friendship anew? Friendships are circumstantial. There's little reason to them.

I want to know who's out there. Who am I missing?

I don't have much. But is what I have enough to save someone?

Hello. How are you doing today?

Want to hear my life story? Anyone? lol

I don't know you. But I bet you're beautiful.

Hi. My name doesn't matter. My purpose in life is unclear. What's yours?

Allergic to Alaska

I went to the doctor this morning to check up on some stuff. Mostly with my skin. Shingles won't go away. Eczema is getting worse. It's getting dark outside and I'm feeling the effects of SAD already. ... I'm allergic to Alaska.

Sooner I get out of here the better. Sooner I have the money sooner I get out of here. Sooner I get a second job the sooner I'll have money. Sooner I get off my ass and go looking the sooner I get a second job. ... Right. I'm off. ttfn

Help me Freud...

A few night ago I had a dream that there was this box full of little (like 2 inches tall) naked, Asian men. And one black guy. They were all stacked facing down and I was taking them out, putting stickers on their backs and laying them down in a row on the table. In the background I heard a voice, "You're a good person Emily. You're doing the right thing." So I put them all back in the box and set it on the window seal.

Last night I had a dream I was at some kind of school or camp or something. And Everyone slept in bathtubs. After I got all my stuff set up around the bathtub in the corner I went into this room where a hamster was having babies. As in... little colorful blobs were streaming from the tip of her nose, turning into hamster shapes and crawling into a bowl. When two blogs combined the babies was full and alive. She had 4 babies. The girls were both purple.

To whom it mat concern,

It's not exactly that things are going all that well. It's just.. nothing is going wrong. And for the first time in years I don't feel like I need to change something about my life. I'm just comfortable with the way things are. All those little things that used to bring drama stumbling and crashing into my life are gone. I'm not even thinking about schooling right now. I've earned myself a break. I'm not thinking of romance. It's just not something I feel I need to sit and put a lot of thought into. It's best just lived. I'm not stressing out over friend drama. I have none. I'm not "fighting" anyone. I've left it up to people to decide who wants to be around me. What better way to surround myself with worth while friends?? It's just peaceful. Sure there's still stress here in there from Family stuff and working and... just things like that. Me, myself, and I are doing fine.

Thanks

Tanks for the back rub. But now I need to watch a movie.

whatever I want

I think they're beautiful... However common.

*I know that no two things are exactly alike.

*You can't assume limits on something judging by its appearance.

*Things are not always as they seem.

I think they're beautiful.

Peace

I've always tried to have too much control over things in my life. I think that's where half my problems came from... Me trying to be in control.. When in reality I have no say in what happens. I mean, yes on a smaller scale I can control things. I can control my day. I can't control who I meet. I can't control who wants to be my friend. I can't control how fast the world moves around me. Lately it feels like I have to just sit back, take it all as it comes and deal with it.

You don't want to be my friend... I tried. I did... But I can't change your mind for you.

You say you need me. Okay, I'm here for you. I do love you. I do.

You say you don't know me. You don't bother. I'm not going to chase you. When you want to know me... you will =)

You expect so much from me. Well this is all I'm giving now. Later, we'll see. I need to do what's best for me.

I can't control your world any more than I can control mine. And I'm okay with that. I'm making the most of what I have. Which wouldn't seem like much.. A job. A close friend. A warm summers day... It's enough for me. My heart is not only healing, but growing. I'm open to hearing my options. Whenever they show up.

A Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need 'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Reality Check

I didn't know being in a relationship excused you from being a decent friend... I'll keep that in mind I guess.

Aliens. I'm sure.

Random Thoughts

I have more morals and guidelines than most people would think. It's will power that I'm missing.

No two people know the same me.

I like myself best when I'm alone.

I enjoy life more in the company of others.

I'm honestly terrified that I really am incapable of loving again. Not to sound emo... but the thought actually really bothers me.

I think seagulls are beautiful.

I don't let go of the past. But I refuse to look back.

I ate three moon pies today.

Sometimes I think of all the people I care for and would like to look after. Then I wonder, who's protecting me?

I think I'm happy now. Is happiness like love? Do you have to just know?

It's just nice when I don't have to sleep alone. Having another person around gives me a little more peace at night.

I'm scared of losing control around other people. It's never happened.

I should be sleeping.

=O

We found a hobit in some pipes. And we left him there. And before we left we said, "It's a hobit, lets leave it." Can you hardly believe it??

ttfn =]

When you miss someone you feel a sense of loss. When you lose someone with nothing to offer you anyway... Why care? Habit? I'm not sure. Lately I'm getting a grip on my feelings a little more. I miss my Adam friend... of course. But he's not so into talking to me at the moment. He's got lots to do and plenty to worry about. So I let him know I love him, and wait for him to contact me when he feels like it. Christian I'll always miss, but I'm not missing much now. We're both fairly happy, what more did we ever want really? I'm really going to miss Marc I think. Not that we ever hang out much. Not that we've ever become really close. But there's something in the friendship I just feel needs to be explored. Who knows, it still might... That's enough hope for me. Okay I miss Caitlin sometimes. I guess I just assume that we'll one day find our friendship again somewhere... We're just in different places now. I missed Allyson, but, she's back. I miss Joe, but he only ever got me into trouble anyway. He's better for me as a memory. No, I'm still not over missing Harry. lol I'll always love that kid. I needed him but I wasn't what he needed. And after a long time venting then cooling off... I can respect that.

I guess there's just no hard feelings with me anymore. Who am I mad at? No one. Who do I hate? No one. I care, I worry, I cry. But I don't hold those grudges anymore. I just.. don't. It's bizarre. If people are gone from me I guess they just want to be. And who am I to change their mind.

Go. Have fun. Be free. Make friends. Make memories. And by all means, come back if you don't find anything better. I might still be here. =]

The Snowball Effect

I apologise. This is a lame one.

The snowball effect. It happens with lies, it happens with depression, it happens with problems, it happens with snowballs.

When you lie you soon find yourself coming up with lies to cover your lies... then explanations behind the lies... then stories to back up the explanations behind the lies... then you let pieces of the truth slip and you need a lie for that too. Oy...

When you're feeling depressed you're just not in the mood to receive anything in a good way. What might have just been spilt coffee, makes your life, in that moment totally suck. Anything really... it all seems to be bordering on the edge between holding on and losing control. So you aren't as nice, so people don't like you, so you have fewer friends, which makes you more sad, which makes you no fun to be around, which makes you lonely. Oy...

When you have a certain problem you may think to just wait it out. "I'll just give it time." "We'll see." Not as many situations do best with this decision in reality. So you put off your school work because it's really really hard to keep up, so you get stressed at the last minute, so you don't get along with as many people, so you lose contact, so you don't see them, so... you're lonely now. Or even just the effect that a bad morning will have on you. Wake up late, so your breakfast gets skipped, so you're hungry, therefore irritable, you're late to work, so you feel guilty or get in an argument with a coworker. lol... it only happens when the rest of the morning is determined to suck.

When you make a snowball.... If anyone would like me to specifically explain this I will. But I think you got it.

3:08

Where is the love?

Don't let me go.

I knew you'd be back =)

It's all so simple.

You're just like me and I'm just like you.

Thank you for caring.

There's a word for it, there's a name that fits, but whatever the reason you do it for me.

She's so beautiful...

Cork?

My mind is all over the place today =]

Masters of Symbiosis

Humans are the masters of symbiosis. With the exeption of some family issues people will rarely keep in the company of anyone else if they're not getting something out of it. Whether you're close to someone because they're fun, they're attractive, they're easy to boss around, they're rich, they're a good influence, you can use them as an intilectual stimulant or even if you just need to be helping someone... We, above all other species, have the ability to pick and choose which other people we want to have in our circle. We have such control over it. Noticing that from an outward veiw could set so many people up for succesful friendships and relationships. What do you have to offer people?
What do you want from others?

feathers

It's like we're all on completely different levels from each other. like.. with everything. What's funny to me isn't funny to you, and is just a little funny to the bald guy in the corner. What I find offensive, you don't, and your mom doesn't even understand. How is it even possible that people relate at all? Like if every definition is really.. in the end down to what each individual person thinks or believes or whatever.. then how can a conversation even happen? how can you understand someone and how can anyone understand you at all? It's such a... ah I dunno just blows my mind. I see everyone on this like... overlapping set of 3 bazillion stairs. And we're all a step... not a step up or down from anyone else.. just a step off. Just not on the same level however you wanna look at it. How man kind can find a way to live with each other like we do is simply amazing! I'm impressed with us for now... for now. And mother nature, good job. God, you too. Happy 5:30am

Hmmm...

I wonder what my blog thinks about me.

Get Some

Some things need to be left alone.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Some things only make sense in your mind.

Some things... you will lose.

Some things are meant to leave you.

Some things come back

Some things need their space.

Some things need their time.

Some things are worth not fighting for.

Somewhere we don't need each other.

Somewhere we are meant to be.

Somewhere we don't need each other.

Somewhere we are meant to be.

Sometimes I have to be angry.

Sometimes I just want to cry.

Sometimes I just need to laugh.

Sometimes you give me hope.

Sometimes you wear me down.

Sometimes you confuse my world.

Sometimes we're scared.

Sometimes we feel brave.

Sometimes we forget everyone else.

Words, Names, Labels

What they call you is one thing...

What you answer to is another.

Accidental Poem

I should have known all along...
That you'd be the one to make things clear
That you'd be the one to raise this fear
You'd be the one to prove me wrong.

Oops.?

My Words

I'm having a hard time putting these thoughts into words. Words aren't my strength, I spend so much time molding and shaping my speech. Trying to find the right angles, trying to catch the light in just the right way. When some people talk their words twist and spiral around your throat, constricting the very air your breath. When some people talk, their words just float away and dissipate like smoke, When I talk my words collect in a thick cloud around my head. I add pieces here, pieces there. I fill in the blank places with stuffing and fluff. I speak in fog. Fighting the speech of smoke, the speech of rain, the speech of tear gas... We don't all speak the same language. I don't speak what makes sense to me. I'm no artist.

I've Been Waiting

Thinking of him makes me sad. Being happy reminds me of him. What I thought we had was a lie, and the love I received was fake... but the way he made me feel, that was real. Am I still in love? ... No. I can't say that I am. I feel love, but it's changed. I do not need him anymore. I want to though. I don't hurt like I used to. Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I despise him. Sometimes I'm just lonely. I feel a longing for companionship from time to time. I look back in bitterness at the sweet memories I have. But no, I don't hurt anymore. No, I am not in love.

I've been waiting so long.

Paradise

We sat on the beach, to watch the sunset. grabbed some mats to sit on and our sweatshirts, forgetting we were in Hawaii. We walked through the sand, straining our muscles and enjoying the cool, softness of the sand. We sat down and looked up at the sky, loving it. We took pictures and walked in the water crashing upon the shore. Even the ocean water felt warm to me. Our feet covered in salt and sand we sat back, looking up at the sky. Watching as, one by one, the stars came out. The lights in the distance faded, the colors becoming darker. I layed back and marveled at the majesty of the moment. I felt so close to the sky. If I jumped high enough, I could reach up at scoop some of the stars into my hands. The street lights behind us cast shadows of the tress onto the beach where we sat. The sounds of the crashing waves echoed from the wall of trees. And we lay there, not saying a word, not caring about a thing. We lay in the sand watching the unfamiliar sky form around us until we feared we'd fall asleep there on the beach. We laughed and sang our way back up the hill. I hope I never forget this night.

Free Of You

Wow.. I wrote this blog way too fast. Needed to get this off my chest. Hope you understand =)

It's great. I mean even if we don't talk for long periods of time I still always felt you were a burden upon me. Now, now I feel free. I don't know why. Maybe because I finally told you exactly how I feel... maybe. Who knows. It's great yo be able to get a text from you and just delete it. Who knows what it said... who cares? lol I don't. You're going to tell everyone everything you can. You're going to try and hurt me and ruin things for me.. I'm sure of it. You'll say "well I wasn't going to but in your blog you said so so I did!" Or you'll justify it some way like that I dunno. Thing is you can't reach me. I guess I don't care if you ever understand that... I'm becoming happy. I really am, and no thanks to you.. it's all gotten better since you left. Since you stopped guilting me into things. Since you stopped making me feel like a bad person. Since you stopped complaining at me. I've improved. I've grown. You probably don't agree. But what do you know? lol What did you ever know?? You never did anything but hold me back or hurt me. Guess who has control over my life now? Me. You "wanted to make me happy." and wanted to "help." well then it should put a smile on your face to hear that I'm good. I'm sorry for the drama. I'm sorry for bringing this all up. I'm sorry you couldn't handle my first texts. I was being nice until you responded. By now you should know I'm fine until I'm provoked.

This is me apologizing to you for anything you ever thought I did to hurt you. This is me apologizing for accidentally hurting you whenever that may have happened. This is me... apologizing for not being honest with you all of the time.

This is me apologizing to myself for letting so much happen. This is me apologizing for treating myself like crap. This is me, setting myself free.

You probably won't even read this. I know sometimes you do. And after the "conversation" we just had you're probably looking for ways to hurt me. Like you think I do. *sigh* ... We could have been great. When our friendship was good it was amazing. But it's not worth it you know? In the long run we've always hurt each other more than we've helped. I've never been enough for you. And You've always intimidated me too much. I've grown from you that's for sure... I hope you've learned something from me. You can be mad at me. not that you need my permission but here it is... Why be angry though? What will that solve for you? It never got me anywhere. I kinda feel bad now because you're probably all mad... I just don't have the temper I used to have. I don't have the ability to be that angry. You told my secrets to the world, you lied to me... It just makes you slowly erase from my heart. Not worth any of the effort I put into you, because you've always been the same to me. Nice to my face, gossiping behind my back. Telling my secrets. Breaking your promises. It won't surprise me when you do the same thing this time. Whatever... It doesn't matter. I wasted my time writing this probably. I could post a blog confessing my undying love to you and you'd find a way to interpret that as "fuck you i hope you die" lol... Oy... Later homie. I'm sure this isn't done.. but I want it to be. I'm sure you do to. So.. we're done. I'm happy, and you... won? lol I dunno. Peace.

Emily is slowly moving forward.

Slowly: My favorite speed.

Forward: My favorite direction.

I'm in a good place.

ssshhhh.....

I don't want to jinx myself... so I won't say what I'm thinking.

But it's nice.

I can't say it. Not a good idea...

It makes me smile...

Like this =)

But I won't explain.

Life would take it away if I started talking about it.

I don't want that. Because this makes me happy.

SSSHHHH.....

Redeeming Love

I just finsihed this book... Redeeming Love. And To anyone and everyone who reads my blog, READ THIS BOOK!!! It's my new favorite. The story a of girl who feels she has nothing to offer... and the man who is deternined to help her break down the walls she built against the rest of man kind. She learns to love... until fear of her emotions overwhelms her and she returns to her former life. It's basically a retelling of the biblical story of Gomer and Hosea.

I personally found a connection with this book that set it very near to my heart. I'm not going to bother explaining that because it's a bit of a streatch and.. personal I guess. But I'm gonna try to get as many people as I can to read it.

So, READ IT!!! =P

Dear... You,

It's odd how you can make me feel terrible when you're not trying at all. No one makes me feel quite as inferior and self conscience as you do... and again, you don't even try. It really confuses me how a person can have that effect on me... when we're not even that close. I can't even find a way to sneak in a "this is to you" in this blog without telling everyone else. It's not your intention... but I feel ashamed of myself because of you, often. Why is this...??

And why are you ALWAYS represented in green in my blogs?? lol

I don't get you. Or me. Us? ... Whatever.

I love you.

Oy...

Apparently if they're too long it won't spell check it for me. Drat.
Ashleigh wrote a blogt like this.. I wrote this a while back and never posted it for some reason. Anyway, if you're REALLY bored go for it =P good luck!
btw the point of this was to write for one solid hour... and just write what came into my head.. So yeah...


What have I gotten myself into? This is going to be insane! the problem with doing this is I think a LOT faster than I type... I really enjoyed talking to Marcy today. She's sweet... No one ever told me. I hated her.. okay I didn't HATE her... disliked her. Christian's ex... But she's nice... I need to mail that box. I want an oreo. I can;t beleive I'm almost a high school graduate. I honestly was all prepared to fail. the strings on my pj pants are laying on my lap.. In a shape like a deflated X.... why do I like rings so much? Rings and pants.... i love pants. Will used to try and stop me from buying MORE pants.. much like Chris does now with scarves. but really Chirs just likes to stop people dfrom doing what they want. little chirs... gonna miss that kid. i really want some chai tea. What if I did marry Marc? lol I was joking and told my mom I totally would if only they didn't want me to.. she responds with "I hate him." lol sometimes... SOMETIMES.. here and there.. on occasion I like my mom... my dad's alright I guess.. He has a temper but he... eh... why am I drawing a blank? this is odd... I wish I could actually type correctly. I think they should have MADE us learn how.. instead of pretending they cared for a month or so in 4th grade then never caring again. Just like the school system... that I don't have to deal with anymore. ... where the hell is my cap and gown? I rememeber when we made fun of Will for wearing the purple dress! funny funny. Why does will keep coming up... hmm... I dunno just makes me think of shannon... which makes me think of the whole dance team.. who i misss. Sharks. water. finding nemo. there's marc again... lol Will and Marc. I wanna see a battle!!! In a battle between Will and Marc... laura would win. like the ffight between Ashleigh and Caitlin... Eli would win. Duh. Why doesn;t anyone know Eli's girlfriend? It's odd... but ok.. butter knives are completely useless. paper cuts are useless too. most injury is useless.. or not.. okay so it isn't shut up. i'm not goging to try to get all deep here... stream of consciencness doesn;t work that way for me.. okay sometimes it does. I wonder who owes that dog I liked.. the one who just jams around at the road and is all friendly and adorable. I want a dog. i miss Dante. and I'm going to miss Laura. Huh... there's Laura again.. I hope I don't think of anything or type anything that offends people. i hate drama! the paystreak is going to laugh at me. Your mom's going to laugh at me. melanie's nose is going to laugh at me. melanie mealnie melanie.... I wonder if she emails me back... which reminds me of Laura. maybe I'm in love with Laura. ... wtf? lol oh boy the weird things that go through my mind... saving... saving... saving... I hate econ. mr Romans is my least favorite teacher ever. Maybe not ever but at the moment I really really really don't like the guy. I have a lot of time left.. I hope no one reads this whole thing.. whoever reads this is freaking out of their mind! I probably won't even go back and read all this and it's my blog! Shay is really pretty.... Allyson should dye her hair back to brown... Vincent and his lip peircing.. I hate when the sun shines through the window and hits my arm like that.... It's gross... and they wonder why I always keep the blinds closed... I'm embaressed to be seen by meself!!! EMO EMO EMO hee hee I wonder if Adam will ever text me back.. I guess I didn't give him much to work with.. just "lol" but then... he gave me "no comment" which is in itself a comment... idiod. nidiot. Mr. East is a weirdo... But then so am I I guess for eating there so much... Is Lavina a bigger weirdo... naw.. she may be there more but one day she'll turn into a fish.. a lavina fish would be awesome! I can picture it... it's be a really angry though.... I don't want that fish. that's the kindda fish you should be scared of! I need to water my ficus. apparently talking to plants and touching them and singing to them really does help them grow... I should be a farmer! r a florist! I love talking to things that will never talk back... unless I turn into emore from Little Shop Of Horrors and end up in love with a slut and then my plants try to eat her.... Maybe I won't be a florist. I'll be a fire fighter!! no i won't I never had that desire... except maybe that time Sam and I rode to her house in that fire truck. that was really cool.. shame I don't actually rememeber it. I wish I still had that shirt. I wish I still had a lot of shirts like that. my S.S. Weller shirt! omg I hope I still have that. I don't think I like the senior shirts. I don't think I like shirts. I wish we could all just wear togas.... But i'd need a bra... not comfortable without a bra. Maybe without underwear.... but still.... eh... spandex suits would be cool.. but I'm sure a lot of other people would hate that. my stomache would hate that. A lot. when I eat too much sometimes I look a little bit pregnant. I really should eat something.. soup, jelly beans and fries... hmm..... peanut butter. I still have the hiccups... how the hell do I still have the hiccups. Austyn just signed into msn... she's pretty. I think a lot of people are pretty. The juice kid is pretty. also dumb.. lavina was right... lavina like vagina! Ashleigh sucks. lol not really I love that girl. my neck itches... i thought we were over this. i should be reading.. I have to write an mpj! still about 100 pages left until I'm done witht eh section.... I wonder if the extra credit for length points are worth it. I guess If i'm tryign to graduate... Wow.. still a lot of time left. I didn't know this many different thoughts could come out in this short amount of time. I miss Dude. I need to go see her. Why do I get attached to some teachers the way I do? why does my eyebrow itch too?!? ahhh! this sucks.. "who's eyelid gets dry??" MINE!!! my skin... my hair... my teeth.. glad I'm not a fatty. although I think I've always had the mentality of a fat person... I've never succeded in explaining what that means very well... I guess you have to be in my head.. which right now anyone who is insane enough to read this kind of is. Who might do that.... I probably would if someone else did a full hour. I was quite enjoying reading Ashleighs.... oh boy.. oh dear.. oh darn... oh my... O-grady... Omally... Obama!! I think I drink too much tea. and coffee probably. it's not even the caffine I like... I can be fine drinking water but I lOVE the taste of the other two. my brother's a weird kid. I hate rumors and gossip. i'm learning to not care so much but it could be bad because you never know when your brain will switch on you. I could be fine one second the next second be terrible. I guesss I'm kinda bipolar. I need to stay on my medication. I really really do. I enjoy life. i can;t be happy alone. there's no reason to be ashamed of that. none at all. I am happy with my pills. So who cares! lol I matter. I do. I do. I do. I do. I miss my Ashley. did I already talk about that.... ??? Maybe. Not that anyone else will read this.. I'm sure I've talked about that already about a billion times. my mind... this blanket is so soft. and fred meyers is freaking awesome! i really like to text and I have a feeling lavina and i really are going to bring ziplock bags and text in the rain in hawaii. I wonder when I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.. Does it matter? I always get mad and say stuff.. but lately I can;y hold grudges or stay mad so It doesn;t last.... then i feel dumb. I always say I won't talk when I'm angry again... but when I'm angry it really REALLY does feel right so i do it... one day I'll learn. Or people will stop making me angry.. happyland. Amazing land. Disney land! lol good luck dance team. ms Brown will probably be pregnant... so she won't be doing competition.. I'm kindda glad it happened this year... she's not going to put much of any effort into the team anymore. she's been wanting a life for too long.... I guess we got the good years? No.. '06 got the good years for sure. Graduating.. it's gonne be... actually I can;t decide how I feel at all. I just can't.... maybe it hasn;t hit me yet. Okay I know it hasn't. I don't feel excited. or relaived anymore.. i just.. don't feel. But I'm not in a bad mood. I'm in a good place lately. I'm very very tired.. and I still have 20 minutes to go on this thing... that disturbs me. a lot in fact, doo doo da loo! oh damn. this summer is going to be so freaking different! I dunno how to think... like last summer I had different best friends, a boyfriend and a vdifferent job. and I was going back to school.... this summer.. it's all new. I love new. shiny and new. maybe not shiny I don't like the sun so good. my favorite kindda day is the rainy ones... I don't like getting rained on though.. not untless I can change my clothes and clean up very soon afterwords. do you ever wonder if you have actually lived more than one life? like what if we just keep repeating life over and over until we got it right? THEN we can move onto a heaven of some sorts.. Like can you tell how old a person's soul is by how well they live their life. Those people who are mature at young ages, and learn quikely.. all that. Maybe they've just been around longer than most people their same age. You could tell the young souls apart for sure... LIke the hurtfull, foolish, lazy, unhappy people... they're young. What age would you be? What age would I be... Well to answer that I'd probably have to figure out when souls and existance actually started... and even then I suppose I couldn;t come up with Any idea whatsoever about how old anyone might be... I don't think everyone becomes old at the same rate anyway.. it's like our bodies.. some people age a little faster.. But in souls.. I dunno maybe people age within a close rage of each other.. but as far as souls go close in years might be a few million. Or less. Or more. Maybe there's people around us who have been around forever. Of course they don't know it but they have been.. they're slow.. everyone else of their age is gone, come back and gone a thousand times and they're still doing heroin. I wonder who fast a person could age.. like dependsing on what happens in your life your soul might age faster.. Finally, when people have lived long enough.. when their soul is complete and theyhave gained all the knolage at one point... maybe it all comes back to you. Everything you knew.. Everything you ever knew... You know. And what problems do people have if there are no unknowns. Maybe that alone is heaven. Maybe... However I might have just done the stargest rant in the world. Wow I on;y have like five minutes to go. Apple apple apple apple jig-saw! airplanes! coasters! grass! window!oy..... I'm out.. I'm out of stuff to write about.. after all this I'm clean out of thought.. To be honest a lot of that soul.. death... stuff is still running through my head. like a llama. Or nothing like a llama. I'll probably never know. doo... doo... doo... time's UP! I reallly hope no one read all the way through this =P Or maybe I hope someone did... who knows.. I can;t think anymore. TTFN!

Just A Note

I feel like I can’t share my opinions with you lately. You’re so hostile and offensive these days… just in the way you talk sometimes. I’d let you know… but you’d bite my head off!

I’m most scared of losing you after graduation because we never talk outside school… But, it’s awkward to bring it up.

I wish I could help you, but you’ll never admit you need the help… and I don’t want to be the enemy.

I hope you don’t expect me to fight it… I’m embracing the fall out. You just insult me anyway.

I love you lots, but you make me feel like a bad friend. I don’t think you notice how much I actually put into things.

Some day I’ll look back on this one and hardly remember I ever had to miss you as a friend… I’m sure of it.

Clockwork Orange- Personal Response

I never wanted to be one of the people who posted their homework as blogs. Honestly, with a few exceptions, that's really lame. But I guess I was in more of a bloggy mood when I wrote this. Anyway, this is my Personal Response for my MPJ on the last section of A Clockwork Orange.

I really liked this book. Overall I think it showed some very good points. To think that being a horrible person is harmful, but being a “perfect person” can also be harmful. I myself cannot completely decide if there is more evil in crime and violence or in oppression and domination of a persons spiritual existence. Granted Alex didn’t seem to have much of a moral standard on anything, but what Anthony Burgess was getting to was clearly not on the specifics of his character, Alex. Really it all comes down to whether or not you believe free will is best including the possibility of chaos… Or if you think free will should be limited to those who society regards as a proper citizen. I guess when it boils down to that question I would chose the limits on free will. Though, I suppose if that wasn’t the usual decision the world would have no use or want for a organized government of any kind. In A Clockwork Orange the author shows an example of what could possibly happen in a world of anarchy. On the other side he also shows what horrible things could happen if we were all fully controlled and conditioned by the government. Basically… It’s not a perfect world. No one is ever going to be completely satisfied. Utopia is fiction, through and through.

Next I would like to share a personal discovery I recently made about oranges. I do not like them. I sat in 6th period Philosophy the other day, eating an orange. At least I was trying to eat one… I’m rather particular about the way I eat my food. It has to be done in a specific way or it doesn’t feel right. I am not a sloppy eater. I drill little wholes through the peel with my finger nails, around the circumference of the fruit. Each circle is about � an inch apart from the next. After that I go back and take out the peel bits between my circles. Then, very carefully, I peel off one side of the orange as one piece. This is very difficult and I often wish I had more than two tries at it. If one of the sides rips I rip it into tiny bits and put it in the other side(now functioning as a bowl) I then begin to peel all those annoying little white bits from around the orange. All of them. I’m fairly certain I don’t pay that close attention to anything else I eat. But for some reason I do so when it comes to oranges. When I have all those pieces off the surface of my orange I break it down into it’s wedge like sections. I then go to work at pulling off all the little white bits from the insides, between the wedges. Finally once I’m finished, I carefully tear into the inner skin of each the orange slice. Once I have exposed the inner morsels of the fruit, I finally, eat the orange. Then, I move onto the next slice. The whole process takes about an hour. After spending almost the whole time In philosophy working on my orange, I came to the conclusion that they are simply more trouble than they are worth. I don’t like oranges.

And for the record… I don’t like clocks either.

Pet My Peeves

Take my philosophy homework from my hands, and read it.
Look over my shoulder as I wrote down my econ notes.
Lean over and read my MPJs in Pop Novels.
I hate when people read my stuff when I don't ask them to.

Tell me my deadlines.
Then, the next day, tell me again.
Text me and ask if I'm done yet.
I hate when people remind me of how little time I have left.
I KNOW when it needs to be done. Thank you.

Take my phone from me.
I don't care if you don't want me texting people right now.
I know when it's simply not appropriate to text.
I don't care if you're a guy who wants to hold the hand my phone is in.
Chances are that's why it's there.
I hate when people take my phone.

Tell me about your skin problems.
Do you have a reoccurring case of shingles?
Have you had more than 5 staff infections?
Does your eczema keep you awake all night?
I hate when people complain about their decent skin.

Ask to take a "sip" of my drink... and swallow as much as you can in one gulp.
Assume because I said one, that means more.
Ask for a "bite" and stuff as much in your mouth as you possibly can.
If I payed for it, it's mine. Back off... Unless I say otherwise of course.
I hate when people eat my food.

Make fun of the way I talk.
If I have a lisp that day, laugh every time I say something weird.
Imitate the weird voices I don't know I make.
If I'm not laughing, I don't want it to be made fun of.
I hate when people make fun of my occasional speech issues.

I miss you

I sit at home on weekends. Friday nights I wait around in town(usually alone) until polar brear practice, I dance for an hour then go home, fall asleep around 12, sleep for 12 hours... wake up and watch a movie, write a blog, jam around on facebook and myspace. I spend Saturday evenings texting and watching the same movies over and over again in different languages to get a different take on them. Sundays sometimes I can bum a ride into town with my mom to go to Fred Meyers and do some grocery shopping. I come home, do homework, text, jam around online... wait for everyone else to fall asleep... read... and wake up ready for Monday, which I love. I love week days. At school I see my friends. I sit in the hall with Chris in the mornings. Sometimes I go to lunch with Ashleigh or go sit in Mr. Easts room with Lavina. After school I sit around and wait until I'm the last one there. Then I go home, read, text, watch movies in foreign languages, sleep...

I miss having a group. I miss the "uber bitch." I miss "twons." I miss "fat parties." I miss "double Es." I miss coming up with a bunch of unnecessary group names. lol I miss the dance team.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever missed.
Usually I try not to though. My brain likes to answer those questions for me...

Emilys Favorite Musicals

Top Favorites

• Hello Dolly- All time favorite. it's amazingly old fashioned and kind of cheesy but it's great. Barbra Streisand is my hero.
• Moulin Rouge- This movie completely and totally breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces every time I watch it. It's fantastic. The music is powerful and moving.
• Calamity Jane- I'm pretty sure I'm the only person i know who's seen this. it's another all time favorite. pretty much one of the best musicals ever made. Doris Day is another hero of mine.
• Little Shop of Horrors- Ridiculous. In the good way =)
• Singin' In The Rain- Truly classic. I love the dance choreography. Makes me wish people still made these kind of musicals...
• Chicago- Just pure fun. No other way to describe it.

Other Great Ones

• Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
• Marry Poppins
• Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dream-Coat =P
• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• The Sound of Music
• Cabaret
• Funny Girl
• Phantom of The Opera
• White Christmas

Less... And Less...

Me-"You never text me back... I text you all the time about important stuff."
Him-"Oh. I don't get your texts. I get texts from everyone but you..."
Me-"Right... You don't seem to care. Makes me hate you more lol"
Him-"The more you hate the less I care."

The less you care the less I trust you.

The less you respond the more I dislike you.

The less you say the less I know you.

The less I hear from you the less I feel like trying.

The less I text the more accomplished I feel.

The less honest I am the more I feel protected.

The more you say the less I believe you.

The farther you get the more I miss you.

But the more I miss you the less I feel like chasing.

...I shouldn't have to.

Duh.

Just so people know... I got my blog so I didn't have to complain at people so much.
If you don't want to hear me complain.
Don't. Read. My. Blog.
Not a difficult concept.
If you're interested in how I'm feeling or what's on my mind, read away!
But you have no right to tell me I'm thinking the wrong things. If you don't like it. ... I don't care. Stop reading.

It's A Secret...

Is this what they meant? When they said I was “depressed” ? It’s starting to feel like a sickness. I feel contaminated. People say I can be hard to be around because I’m depressing and sad. If only they knew how impossible it was… It’s so hard to fight it. Slap on a smile, put on some make up and hold back tears. Try to blend in because I know what happens when I show myself… When I’m honest with the world. That’s when they leave. I need to keep them around so I pretend. They don’t have to know I’m sick. They don’t need to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Or their arms to hide in. They don’t have to see me cry. They don’t have to know how I feel. How the weight of my emotions drags me down. I can feel it in my core. I’m stronger than you think, I can stand up straight and hold my head high even with the burden of a deep pit in my heart and a head full of tears and lonely thoughts. I look up and I see darkness. I’m surrounded. I’m hopeless. I don’t ask much help. I used to. But my help couldn’t handle me either. Imagine being the one who has to hear me complain. Imagine being the one who gets the texts at 2am. Imagine being the one I count on for everything. Imagine this now… Imagine being the only person in the world who can’t run from me. Imagine being the one who is MOST sick of me… and you’re the one who is irrevocably placed in the center of my life. Imagine being me. What wouldn’t I give to get out?? Suicide? No, I’m not brave enough. Drugs? No, I’m too poor. A good friend. Honestly I feel guilty being a persons friend. I feel like I’m cheating them out of something. They put their time and energy into something... Like me. You fools. Don’t you know I have nothing to offer. It’s all pretend. I’m a fake. I have more secrets than you could imagine. I keep everything from you… Don’t you know I’m worthless? Don’t you know I’m sick? No… You don’t. And that’s why you’re still around. You don’t know the half of it.

So don't take my photograph
‘Cause I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow
--Newton Falkner