Derp.

I thought going back to school would make me feel smarter. I assumed that getting a promotion meant I was more capable than I had been previously. I thought I'd feel better about and more comfortable inside my own brain as time went on. But when I do my school assignments, I'm never happy with them. At work I feel like I don't know a damn thing. The older I get the less comfortable I become in my level of maturity and intelligence. This could be because I am constantly challenging myself. I went for a new job, even when I didn't feel ready. Twice! I went back to school even though I feel like one of those people who doesn't belong there. I am surrounded by people older than me. Most of my friends are older than I am. I've been the youngest in my position level at work for almost a year. Even my boyfriend is seven years older than me. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of time playing catch up. And living with this intense hope that no one else can tell.

More than anything I want to sink back into a quiet, dark, inconspicuous little existence.Where I can do what I want without being noticed, live a supremely unimpressive life and have nothing expected of me. But it's like I have two voices in my head. The quieter one is more persuasive, and keeps me dragging the loud, terrified, uncomfortable voice along, through whatever new adventure I'm told to pursue.

Another Promotion

First I was an overnight stocker at Walmart. Then, 10 months later, I became a department manager. Now 9 more months later I have been promoted yet again to zms. I take no pride in working for wallmart. None at all. But to be honest the job has done a lot for my life. I found my Arthur there, I gained the momentum and the funds to go back to school, and I have met some great friends. The thing I am most grateful for is the confidence the store has instilled in me regarding my abilities in the workplace. It is rare for someone with no day-time floor experience to become a department manager. And it is rare for someone with so little department manager experience to become a zms. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but I am a hard worker. And it seems like wherever I go, I do well. Getting promoted is scary, it's a lot to take in and the zms I am replacing is a hard act to fallow. But the raise is nice, and the authority is nice. I am a little annoyed that I still work at wallmart, after a year and a half with the company, but it is getting me the experience and money I need to further my education and get me on my way to wherever I am going in life.

Now what can I buy with $300 more a month?
I can get my nails done again!
I can pay someone else to dye my hair!
I can get contacts again! I can see again!
I can have more spending money for my Germany trip!

... One way or another I WILL convince myself I 100% want this promotion... I hope.

A Good Day

I just had a really pleasant day I would like to document. Woke up feeling well rested. I didn't have a headache for the first time in a few weeks. Which was admittedly only because I had this super mysterious dream where I had a headache. I woke up from the dream at 4:00am and had a headache. So I took an Advil and went back to sleep; securing a comfortable morning for myself 3 hours later.

After waking up feeling quite well I went to get ice on the way to my job at the church. The gas station I always stop at never has ice ready. They advertise it but it's never there. They have to go to the back and waste their and my time and bag it up during their early morning rush. It might be cruel of me but I've kept going there just waiting for the day they wise up and bag some ice before it gets busy, before Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning. At the exact same time. Today, they caught on.

So I got my ice in time and therefore got to work on time and had a really good time making coffee and talking with my co workers. I went home after work at cleaned the apartment. Listening to music and dancing like a fool. Home alone, and having fun. Arthur got home, we relaxed together for a bit. After a while we did the last of the cleaning just in time to invite some friends into our home. I haven't had that many people in my home since last summer so I was a little bit nervous but things worked out well. We spent a really fun few hours playing board games with Josh, Tyler, Alisha and Katie. Four people I did not know this time last year. A nice reminder that there will always be new people to meet and new friends to make. I just wanted to post a little reminder to myself that even though there are a lot of stressful days. Some days are a lot of fun. Even when nothing particularly interesting happens. Life is good. =)

I've been feeling a little out of place the past week or two. I'm generally fairly happy with my life right now but something just seems off. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not sure where to go from here. Even if I did I'm not certain I'd know how to get there.

I like to think of myself not as a puzzle piece, but a puzzle, missing pieces. I've got one, maybe two sides matched up. But there's something that doesn't quite fit. It's not an empty space, but a space occupied by the wrong thing.

Away From The Farm

These People Came in the Cafe today.

They're nicer than they look.

Dear Ice Monster,

You make loud noises.

You breath hot air on me.

And you pee in the sink.

You are not my friend.

A WHAT!?

A guy came up to the counter today and asked for a "quickie." After a couple minutes of offended confusion and rude comments I realized he wanted a quiche.