Right or Left?

The problem, I've found, with successfully ignoring all your emotions for quite a while is the recovery. When they come back. It's terrifying. It's easier to act by logic and habit than by emotions. But it makes you cold and distant. Distant from yourself. You know it's wrong, but it is what it is. And then, your heart wakes up. And suddenly it hurts, and is excited, worried, hopeful, giddy, confused and completely unmanageable. Torn by the need to finally feel again in an attempt to be happy and the defence mechanism of pushing those emotions to the back burner where they belong. I'm good at pretending. It's come to be a defining piece of my personality. I'm currently at a crossroads of self management. And at a total loss of which way to go. I don't have a clue. I can't figure out what's best for me.
I don't want advice.

Let me tell you something

You hurt me. Every day. We both pretend, me out of courtesy, you out of fear. I miss you. I can help you. I need you. I love you. When asked who's the most important person in my life, I replied with your name. You are my number one. You were here for so long. You helped me like no one else could. You make my existence make sense. You're falling away from me... again. And I'm so scared to move in any direction. I'm losing you. I can feel it. And I'm not going to do anything about it.