Oy...

Apparently if they're too long it won't spell check it for me. Drat.
Ashleigh wrote a blogt like this.. I wrote this a while back and never posted it for some reason. Anyway, if you're REALLY bored go for it =P good luck!
btw the point of this was to write for one solid hour... and just write what came into my head.. So yeah...


What have I gotten myself into? This is going to be insane! the problem with doing this is I think a LOT faster than I type... I really enjoyed talking to Marcy today. She's sweet... No one ever told me. I hated her.. okay I didn't HATE her... disliked her. Christian's ex... But she's nice... I need to mail that box. I want an oreo. I can;t beleive I'm almost a high school graduate. I honestly was all prepared to fail. the strings on my pj pants are laying on my lap.. In a shape like a deflated X.... why do I like rings so much? Rings and pants.... i love pants. Will used to try and stop me from buying MORE pants.. much like Chris does now with scarves. but really Chirs just likes to stop people dfrom doing what they want. little chirs... gonna miss that kid. i really want some chai tea. What if I did marry Marc? lol I was joking and told my mom I totally would if only they didn't want me to.. she responds with "I hate him." lol sometimes... SOMETIMES.. here and there.. on occasion I like my mom... my dad's alright I guess.. He has a temper but he... eh... why am I drawing a blank? this is odd... I wish I could actually type correctly. I think they should have MADE us learn how.. instead of pretending they cared for a month or so in 4th grade then never caring again. Just like the school system... that I don't have to deal with anymore. ... where the hell is my cap and gown? I rememeber when we made fun of Will for wearing the purple dress! funny funny. Why does will keep coming up... hmm... I dunno just makes me think of shannon... which makes me think of the whole dance team.. who i misss. Sharks. water. finding nemo. there's marc again... lol Will and Marc. I wanna see a battle!!! In a battle between Will and Marc... laura would win. like the ffight between Ashleigh and Caitlin... Eli would win. Duh. Why doesn;t anyone know Eli's girlfriend? It's odd... but ok.. butter knives are completely useless. paper cuts are useless too. most injury is useless.. or not.. okay so it isn't shut up. i'm not goging to try to get all deep here... stream of consciencness doesn;t work that way for me.. okay sometimes it does. I wonder who owes that dog I liked.. the one who just jams around at the road and is all friendly and adorable. I want a dog. i miss Dante. and I'm going to miss Laura. Huh... there's Laura again.. I hope I don't think of anything or type anything that offends people. i hate drama! the paystreak is going to laugh at me. Your mom's going to laugh at me. melanie's nose is going to laugh at me. melanie mealnie melanie.... I wonder if she emails me back... which reminds me of Laura. maybe I'm in love with Laura. ... wtf? lol oh boy the weird things that go through my mind... saving... saving... saving... I hate econ. mr Romans is my least favorite teacher ever. Maybe not ever but at the moment I really really really don't like the guy. I have a lot of time left.. I hope no one reads this whole thing.. whoever reads this is freaking out of their mind! I probably won't even go back and read all this and it's my blog! Shay is really pretty.... Allyson should dye her hair back to brown... Vincent and his lip peircing.. I hate when the sun shines through the window and hits my arm like that.... It's gross... and they wonder why I always keep the blinds closed... I'm embaressed to be seen by meself!!! EMO EMO EMO hee hee I wonder if Adam will ever text me back.. I guess I didn't give him much to work with.. just "lol" but then... he gave me "no comment" which is in itself a comment... idiod. nidiot. Mr. East is a weirdo... But then so am I I guess for eating there so much... Is Lavina a bigger weirdo... naw.. she may be there more but one day she'll turn into a fish.. a lavina fish would be awesome! I can picture it... it's be a really angry though.... I don't want that fish. that's the kindda fish you should be scared of! I need to water my ficus. apparently talking to plants and touching them and singing to them really does help them grow... I should be a farmer! r a florist! I love talking to things that will never talk back... unless I turn into emore from Little Shop Of Horrors and end up in love with a slut and then my plants try to eat her.... Maybe I won't be a florist. I'll be a fire fighter!! no i won't I never had that desire... except maybe that time Sam and I rode to her house in that fire truck. that was really cool.. shame I don't actually rememeber it. I wish I still had that shirt. I wish I still had a lot of shirts like that. my S.S. Weller shirt! omg I hope I still have that. I don't think I like the senior shirts. I don't think I like shirts. I wish we could all just wear togas.... But i'd need a bra... not comfortable without a bra. Maybe without underwear.... but still.... eh... spandex suits would be cool.. but I'm sure a lot of other people would hate that. my stomache would hate that. A lot. when I eat too much sometimes I look a little bit pregnant. I really should eat something.. soup, jelly beans and fries... hmm..... peanut butter. I still have the hiccups... how the hell do I still have the hiccups. Austyn just signed into msn... she's pretty. I think a lot of people are pretty. The juice kid is pretty. also dumb.. lavina was right... lavina like vagina! Ashleigh sucks. lol not really I love that girl. my neck itches... i thought we were over this. i should be reading.. I have to write an mpj! still about 100 pages left until I'm done witht eh section.... I wonder if the extra credit for length points are worth it. I guess If i'm tryign to graduate... Wow.. still a lot of time left. I didn't know this many different thoughts could come out in this short amount of time. I miss Dude. I need to go see her. Why do I get attached to some teachers the way I do? why does my eyebrow itch too?!? ahhh! this sucks.. "who's eyelid gets dry??" MINE!!! my skin... my hair... my teeth.. glad I'm not a fatty. although I think I've always had the mentality of a fat person... I've never succeded in explaining what that means very well... I guess you have to be in my head.. which right now anyone who is insane enough to read this kind of is. Who might do that.... I probably would if someone else did a full hour. I was quite enjoying reading Ashleighs.... oh boy.. oh dear.. oh darn... oh my... O-grady... Omally... Obama!! I think I drink too much tea. and coffee probably. it's not even the caffine I like... I can be fine drinking water but I lOVE the taste of the other two. my brother's a weird kid. I hate rumors and gossip. i'm learning to not care so much but it could be bad because you never know when your brain will switch on you. I could be fine one second the next second be terrible. I guesss I'm kinda bipolar. I need to stay on my medication. I really really do. I enjoy life. i can;t be happy alone. there's no reason to be ashamed of that. none at all. I am happy with my pills. So who cares! lol I matter. I do. I do. I do. I do. I miss my Ashley. did I already talk about that.... ??? Maybe. Not that anyone else will read this.. I'm sure I've talked about that already about a billion times. my mind... this blanket is so soft. and fred meyers is freaking awesome! i really like to text and I have a feeling lavina and i really are going to bring ziplock bags and text in the rain in hawaii. I wonder when I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.. Does it matter? I always get mad and say stuff.. but lately I can;y hold grudges or stay mad so It doesn;t last.... then i feel dumb. I always say I won't talk when I'm angry again... but when I'm angry it really REALLY does feel right so i do it... one day I'll learn. Or people will stop making me angry.. happyland. Amazing land. Disney land! lol good luck dance team. ms Brown will probably be pregnant... so she won't be doing competition.. I'm kindda glad it happened this year... she's not going to put much of any effort into the team anymore. she's been wanting a life for too long.... I guess we got the good years? No.. '06 got the good years for sure. Graduating.. it's gonne be... actually I can;t decide how I feel at all. I just can't.... maybe it hasn;t hit me yet. Okay I know it hasn't. I don't feel excited. or relaived anymore.. i just.. don't feel. But I'm not in a bad mood. I'm in a good place lately. I'm very very tired.. and I still have 20 minutes to go on this thing... that disturbs me. a lot in fact, doo doo da loo! oh damn. this summer is going to be so freaking different! I dunno how to think... like last summer I had different best friends, a boyfriend and a vdifferent job. and I was going back to school.... this summer.. it's all new. I love new. shiny and new. maybe not shiny I don't like the sun so good. my favorite kindda day is the rainy ones... I don't like getting rained on though.. not untless I can change my clothes and clean up very soon afterwords. do you ever wonder if you have actually lived more than one life? like what if we just keep repeating life over and over until we got it right? THEN we can move onto a heaven of some sorts.. Like can you tell how old a person's soul is by how well they live their life. Those people who are mature at young ages, and learn quikely.. all that. Maybe they've just been around longer than most people their same age. You could tell the young souls apart for sure... LIke the hurtfull, foolish, lazy, unhappy people... they're young. What age would you be? What age would I be... Well to answer that I'd probably have to figure out when souls and existance actually started... and even then I suppose I couldn;t come up with Any idea whatsoever about how old anyone might be... I don't think everyone becomes old at the same rate anyway.. it's like our bodies.. some people age a little faster.. But in souls.. I dunno maybe people age within a close rage of each other.. but as far as souls go close in years might be a few million. Or less. Or more. Maybe there's people around us who have been around forever. Of course they don't know it but they have been.. they're slow.. everyone else of their age is gone, come back and gone a thousand times and they're still doing heroin. I wonder who fast a person could age.. like dependsing on what happens in your life your soul might age faster.. Finally, when people have lived long enough.. when their soul is complete and theyhave gained all the knolage at one point... maybe it all comes back to you. Everything you knew.. Everything you ever knew... You know. And what problems do people have if there are no unknowns. Maybe that alone is heaven. Maybe... However I might have just done the stargest rant in the world. Wow I on;y have like five minutes to go. Apple apple apple apple jig-saw! airplanes! coasters! grass! window!oy..... I'm out.. I'm out of stuff to write about.. after all this I'm clean out of thought.. To be honest a lot of that soul.. death... stuff is still running through my head. like a llama. Or nothing like a llama. I'll probably never know. doo... doo... doo... time's UP! I reallly hope no one read all the way through this =P Or maybe I hope someone did... who knows.. I can;t think anymore. TTFN!

Just A Note

I feel like I can’t share my opinions with you lately. You’re so hostile and offensive these days… just in the way you talk sometimes. I’d let you know… but you’d bite my head off!

I’m most scared of losing you after graduation because we never talk outside school… But, it’s awkward to bring it up.

I wish I could help you, but you’ll never admit you need the help… and I don’t want to be the enemy.

I hope you don’t expect me to fight it… I’m embracing the fall out. You just insult me anyway.

I love you lots, but you make me feel like a bad friend. I don’t think you notice how much I actually put into things.

Some day I’ll look back on this one and hardly remember I ever had to miss you as a friend… I’m sure of it.

Clockwork Orange- Personal Response

I never wanted to be one of the people who posted their homework as blogs. Honestly, with a few exceptions, that's really lame. But I guess I was in more of a bloggy mood when I wrote this. Anyway, this is my Personal Response for my MPJ on the last section of A Clockwork Orange.

I really liked this book. Overall I think it showed some very good points. To think that being a horrible person is harmful, but being a “perfect person” can also be harmful. I myself cannot completely decide if there is more evil in crime and violence or in oppression and domination of a persons spiritual existence. Granted Alex didn’t seem to have much of a moral standard on anything, but what Anthony Burgess was getting to was clearly not on the specifics of his character, Alex. Really it all comes down to whether or not you believe free will is best including the possibility of chaos… Or if you think free will should be limited to those who society regards as a proper citizen. I guess when it boils down to that question I would chose the limits on free will. Though, I suppose if that wasn’t the usual decision the world would have no use or want for a organized government of any kind. In A Clockwork Orange the author shows an example of what could possibly happen in a world of anarchy. On the other side he also shows what horrible things could happen if we were all fully controlled and conditioned by the government. Basically… It’s not a perfect world. No one is ever going to be completely satisfied. Utopia is fiction, through and through.

Next I would like to share a personal discovery I recently made about oranges. I do not like them. I sat in 6th period Philosophy the other day, eating an orange. At least I was trying to eat one… I’m rather particular about the way I eat my food. It has to be done in a specific way or it doesn’t feel right. I am not a sloppy eater. I drill little wholes through the peel with my finger nails, around the circumference of the fruit. Each circle is about � an inch apart from the next. After that I go back and take out the peel bits between my circles. Then, very carefully, I peel off one side of the orange as one piece. This is very difficult and I often wish I had more than two tries at it. If one of the sides rips I rip it into tiny bits and put it in the other side(now functioning as a bowl) I then begin to peel all those annoying little white bits from around the orange. All of them. I’m fairly certain I don’t pay that close attention to anything else I eat. But for some reason I do so when it comes to oranges. When I have all those pieces off the surface of my orange I break it down into it’s wedge like sections. I then go to work at pulling off all the little white bits from the insides, between the wedges. Finally once I’m finished, I carefully tear into the inner skin of each the orange slice. Once I have exposed the inner morsels of the fruit, I finally, eat the orange. Then, I move onto the next slice. The whole process takes about an hour. After spending almost the whole time In philosophy working on my orange, I came to the conclusion that they are simply more trouble than they are worth. I don’t like oranges.

And for the record… I don’t like clocks either.

Pet My Peeves

Take my philosophy homework from my hands, and read it.
Look over my shoulder as I wrote down my econ notes.
Lean over and read my MPJs in Pop Novels.
I hate when people read my stuff when I don't ask them to.

Tell me my deadlines.
Then, the next day, tell me again.
Text me and ask if I'm done yet.
I hate when people remind me of how little time I have left.
I KNOW when it needs to be done. Thank you.

Take my phone from me.
I don't care if you don't want me texting people right now.
I know when it's simply not appropriate to text.
I don't care if you're a guy who wants to hold the hand my phone is in.
Chances are that's why it's there.
I hate when people take my phone.

Tell me about your skin problems.
Do you have a reoccurring case of shingles?
Have you had more than 5 staff infections?
Does your eczema keep you awake all night?
I hate when people complain about their decent skin.

Ask to take a "sip" of my drink... and swallow as much as you can in one gulp.
Assume because I said one, that means more.
Ask for a "bite" and stuff as much in your mouth as you possibly can.
If I payed for it, it's mine. Back off... Unless I say otherwise of course.
I hate when people eat my food.

Make fun of the way I talk.
If I have a lisp that day, laugh every time I say something weird.
Imitate the weird voices I don't know I make.
If I'm not laughing, I don't want it to be made fun of.
I hate when people make fun of my occasional speech issues.

I miss you

I sit at home on weekends. Friday nights I wait around in town(usually alone) until polar brear practice, I dance for an hour then go home, fall asleep around 12, sleep for 12 hours... wake up and watch a movie, write a blog, jam around on facebook and myspace. I spend Saturday evenings texting and watching the same movies over and over again in different languages to get a different take on them. Sundays sometimes I can bum a ride into town with my mom to go to Fred Meyers and do some grocery shopping. I come home, do homework, text, jam around online... wait for everyone else to fall asleep... read... and wake up ready for Monday, which I love. I love week days. At school I see my friends. I sit in the hall with Chris in the mornings. Sometimes I go to lunch with Ashleigh or go sit in Mr. Easts room with Lavina. After school I sit around and wait until I'm the last one there. Then I go home, read, text, watch movies in foreign languages, sleep...

I miss having a group. I miss the "uber bitch." I miss "twons." I miss "fat parties." I miss "double Es." I miss coming up with a bunch of unnecessary group names. lol I miss the dance team.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever missed.
Usually I try not to though. My brain likes to answer those questions for me...

Emilys Favorite Musicals

Top Favorites

• Hello Dolly- All time favorite. it's amazingly old fashioned and kind of cheesy but it's great. Barbra Streisand is my hero.
• Moulin Rouge- This movie completely and totally breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces every time I watch it. It's fantastic. The music is powerful and moving.
• Calamity Jane- I'm pretty sure I'm the only person i know who's seen this. it's another all time favorite. pretty much one of the best musicals ever made. Doris Day is another hero of mine.
• Little Shop of Horrors- Ridiculous. In the good way =)
• Singin' In The Rain- Truly classic. I love the dance choreography. Makes me wish people still made these kind of musicals...
• Chicago- Just pure fun. No other way to describe it.

Other Great Ones

• Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
• Marry Poppins
• Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dream-Coat =P
• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• The Sound of Music
• Cabaret
• Funny Girl
• Phantom of The Opera
• White Christmas

Less... And Less...

Me-"You never text me back... I text you all the time about important stuff."
Him-"Oh. I don't get your texts. I get texts from everyone but you..."
Me-"Right... You don't seem to care. Makes me hate you more lol"
Him-"The more you hate the less I care."

The less you care the less I trust you.

The less you respond the more I dislike you.

The less you say the less I know you.

The less I hear from you the less I feel like trying.

The less I text the more accomplished I feel.

The less honest I am the more I feel protected.

The more you say the less I believe you.

The farther you get the more I miss you.

But the more I miss you the less I feel like chasing.

...I shouldn't have to.

Duh.

Just so people know... I got my blog so I didn't have to complain at people so much.
If you don't want to hear me complain.
Don't. Read. My. Blog.
Not a difficult concept.
If you're interested in how I'm feeling or what's on my mind, read away!
But you have no right to tell me I'm thinking the wrong things. If you don't like it. ... I don't care. Stop reading.

It's A Secret...

Is this what they meant? When they said I was “depressed” ? It’s starting to feel like a sickness. I feel contaminated. People say I can be hard to be around because I’m depressing and sad. If only they knew how impossible it was… It’s so hard to fight it. Slap on a smile, put on some make up and hold back tears. Try to blend in because I know what happens when I show myself… When I’m honest with the world. That’s when they leave. I need to keep them around so I pretend. They don’t have to know I’m sick. They don’t need to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Or their arms to hide in. They don’t have to see me cry. They don’t have to know how I feel. How the weight of my emotions drags me down. I can feel it in my core. I’m stronger than you think, I can stand up straight and hold my head high even with the burden of a deep pit in my heart and a head full of tears and lonely thoughts. I look up and I see darkness. I’m surrounded. I’m hopeless. I don’t ask much help. I used to. But my help couldn’t handle me either. Imagine being the one who has to hear me complain. Imagine being the one who gets the texts at 2am. Imagine being the one I count on for everything. Imagine this now… Imagine being the only person in the world who can’t run from me. Imagine being the one who is MOST sick of me… and you’re the one who is irrevocably placed in the center of my life. Imagine being me. What wouldn’t I give to get out?? Suicide? No, I’m not brave enough. Drugs? No, I’m too poor. A good friend. Honestly I feel guilty being a persons friend. I feel like I’m cheating them out of something. They put their time and energy into something... Like me. You fools. Don’t you know I have nothing to offer. It’s all pretend. I’m a fake. I have more secrets than you could imagine. I keep everything from you… Don’t you know I’m worthless? Don’t you know I’m sick? No… You don’t. And that’s why you’re still around. You don’t know the half of it.

So don't take my photograph
‘Cause I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow
--Newton Falkner

Hello, Anger

I missed you. <3

"Anger is a secondary emotion."

And I live for it.

I feel alive. I feel powerful.

I used to turn every emotion into anger.
Loneliness. Guilt. Sadness. Jealousy. Love.

Whatever!

I knew how to deal with it that way.

Material Possessions

This is horribly written. Sorry.

I always get attached to intimate objects. Why? I can count on them? There's not going anywhere unless I want them to? Who knows.. Something like that. Lately I've been trying to get rid of some of those things...

• Goodbye sweatshirt, teddy bear, ring...
• Goodbye Key chains. I don't drive a Harley anyway. And I'm not a bus driver.
• Goodbye Lemmie... Yes, I'm getting rid of Lemmie! lol

I managed to detach myself from needing people so much. I've gotten good at losing people. Too good maybe. I'm a little strange now. It's hard to know how to react towards people. I switched my emotional attachment from people to things. In theory if I get rid of the things I'll either lose emotional attachment all together or I'll go back to needing people a bit more.

I need a change that's for sure. Somethings off in my life. Apart from not being happy.. there's something that just feels out of place. I think it's me. Finding my place isn't one of my better qualities though. I don't know what I want, sometimes I feel like I'm ready to love again. other times I feel like I'm ready to be completely alone. I think I'm waiting until I'm certain about something... Which in all likelihood will never happen.

One day it'll all come crashing down. I'll fall head over heels into someones arms. Or, I'll get in my car and drive... and... drive... Or I'll make some friends.. and learn to love them.. as I let go of the pain I used to feel. It'll fall into place and settle down in the right order. All I know is this isn't right. But there's nothing I can do right now but experiment. I've tried getting attached to a guy... I just don't feel like I used to about relationships. I've tried getting attached to a girl, but... girls are silly. I'm letting go of my material possessions that hold a place inside my heart... objects don't really mean anything. ... maybe.

Dancers of '09 (stolen from Lavina)

Goodbye memories of...

spaghetti
hatu!
Thea having the glue
Will's excuses
cake
smoooothies!!
heels
tears
love
anger
Darek...
6am practices
14 hour Joseph days
cold stone
trips
your mom jokes
bus rides
you ordered it
you talk to the grossest things... and Tim!
the moo mixer.. to mix her chocolate moo
smooooottthhhhiiieee!!!!!!!!!!
16!!!!
OLIVES!!!!
Petunia bell
doodle heads
chickens of the sea
Egan's gallon of milk...just walking down the hall
it was Chelsea's birthday!
GAVIN!!??
singing to V. Waltz...
parties at Caitlin's house
HELLan...who took an hour to walk a mile!
Keith
distraction dances
cuddle piles
bus rides
lunch at the deli
Euro hang overs
photo shoots
6am practices
ALL of the excuses!!!
all of the your mom jokes...
peopoopoopope
KeviM
woolie
turkeys
Ralph the dancing pirate in bunny boots
dancing penguins
lists
nutilla
blood
Shlina Pants
our days in the smelly mat room
the Bakers
air hockey
pool
H2Oasis
late nights of gossip
basket ball games
corn fritters
so much singing!!
the songs...
all of the songs...
the make up
the costumes
the stress
the first time talking to people
not liking ANY of the new people :P
loving them all later
the garage sales
Saturday night fever
Vday Balls
February shows
achy balls
"shake yo bootay!"
shwank!
spankies!
Fairbanks summer arts festivals
last minute shows
routines made in a day
dancing with the Fairbanks stars
TAN BRAS!!!
WATER BRA!! HAHA!!
finally... EVERY YEAR!!!
our heroes... the class of 06
GO GO JOE!
Mandi's bandage falling off her tattoo magically b4 the show ;)
"I don't like men so good. They're pigs." -Brent Mills
Chris FOREVER owing Ms. Brown smoothies and push ups
"HEY BRANDON! WATCH THIS!!!" *smack!*
"OH MANDI! You came and you left... Before you graduated!" -David Leslie
Chrissss
MOON PIES!!! *YUM*
Cameron's eye browns...
Allyson giving me Cameron eyebrows
Allyson painting my eyebrows blue and pink
Lavina screaming at my eyebrows
Brandon as Elvis
Chris and Egan competing for who jumps highest
Truth or dare in the girl's dressing room
Using the guy's dressing room
OUR version of the Joseph dresses
quick changes
Chelsea saved a Chihuahua!
"I have a wedding... my feet hurt... my knee... I have a headache!"
the "Alex Smile"
Emily's dance dreams
"Misery loves company"
Picture with OBAMA!
Serious Hottie Pants!!!
Victoria secret bras!
Lavina fearing her life during Joseph choreography!(Everyone was pissed at her!)
RYAN!
...and the school lol
GREEN WALLS...
MIRRORS!!!
ties
sunglasses
sitting at the pick nick table for hours
that Elevator... then Kelly came out...
"Password?" "POOOOP!!!"
Phalange bones!
Melanie clapping the counts
Rumba walks
Marie Roberts
Brent Mills
Paul Winkelman
Manilow
Beating Chris with my belt
Brandon and Chris body rolling into each other
them STEALING me...
MY present from Brandon... (Chris' wallet)
Hustling at prom!
sitting at Fred Meyer
Lavina and Carley lost in north pole, convinced they were in a horror film!
the Horror stories written on bus rides
waiting for dance under the stairs... "Will's gay!"
The 5th year of a trees life is the party year!!
1...2...3...85!!!
so much caffeine...
ALL of my inside jokes with Mikey! "HIIIYA!!!"
everyone feeling sorry for me when we went swimming in Anchorage =P
Jessie's knee... knees... damn.
back when we hated Edie being a part of the team
talking with her in Anchorage when Ms. Brown was losing it!
"Where's your coat?" -Tim
"Where's you HAT?!" - Me ... OOPS! lol
WOOOOOOOO WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOOOO!!! AQUARIUM!!!!
cookie dough!!
spanking machine
ALL the couples!!
"I'm a cracker! A Stupid cracker!" -Michael
formal apology, "Sorry for skankin it up."
when PAUL says, "oh shit" you KNOW there's something wrong!
crying during senior recognition
Lavina, Emily and Carley comment trains of love

the past four years of our lives...
We're a family.

I'm sure I will update this as i think of more.. or.. steal more from Lavina.. lol
<3

Out Of Time

All last night I felt it. Loss. I’ve only ever felt this way losing people. But this feels the same. It’s coming in waves. At practice Lavina and I kept saying, “Remember that!” when cool things happened. Cherishing our last official practice. Derek sitting down and pushing the balance bean from behind us. Carley and Shaunessy being crazy. Me and Mikey dancing on the side to Hustle… Chris in the hustle costume! … I feel like I should have recorded it all. I know I never wasted a second… I want more time. I’m not done… All my life people and things leave me… Finally something stays in place and I’m forced to leave. I put everything into that team. Freshman year when I joined and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I finally felt accepted and loved in a group. Sophomore year when I met Christian during rumba choreography. Got kicked off for grades… But even then, I could come back. Junior year, pretty much all I remember about that year was dance. Competitions. Medley to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream-Coat. Utah… Anchorage trips… This whole years drama… I need the team. What else do I have? I lost my circle of friends for the most part. I depend on them for company. I use dance as my one constant in life. The thing I can for sure count on no matter what. I wasn’t sure I still had a functioning heart, until I felt it break as I drove away from the Ryan Parking lot.

Bitches, Hoes and Niggas... Nigga.

-Undeveloped Thoughts-

Woman... Orange... “fake”... Herb... Lenard.

The more tired I get the larger my hands look to me.

What’s the name for my phobia? I can’t find it but I know I’m not the only one who has it!! Kat’s totally a freak too!

Anafranil... Really? Who would be comfortable enough to try and get on a anti-depressant that has a side effect of orgasms? Or.. what kindda sick doctor would prescribe that?? Oy.. This world..

Am I like I am now because I’m not someone I would have liked then. Or am I me because I don’t like who I was. Does it count if I still don’t. Never did… Never mind. Nothing’s changed.

If I was never awake for evening and night I'd be a lot more content with my life. I'm rarely lonely during the day.

They all ran away together so no one would know they were still alive!
Tupac
Elvis
Anastasia
Jesse James
Hitler
Jesus Christ

Let Down

I'm so angry at you... I've NEVER been angry at you like this. I've been upset. I've been disappointed. I've been annoyed. I've been frustrated. But never actually mad at you. What am I supposed to DO with this?? You mean so much to me and I was so hopeful... You MADE me hopeful! Now you make me angry. You make me sad. There was a time when you made me so happy. You made me smile. You made me blush. You made me weak in the knees. And now... Now I'm at a loss. Now... now I'm confused. Where did it all go? It was ALL there. Then suddenly, *poof* gone. The magic disappearing trick of happiness. You're a magician. You're a performer. You're a ring leader and I'm the clown. I'm the entertainment. And don't try to fool me. You meant what you said.

My family is fucking retarded!

--My mother signed up for a class on improving memory.--
Me- "Hey mom, how'd your memory class go?"
Mother- "Oh my god... I forgot to go!"

--The famous argument.--
Mother- "Emily, bring home your English work today or I'm taking your phone."
Me- *brings home work.* *Hands it to mother.*
Mother- "Give me your phone right now."
Me- "Why? I brought home my assignment..."
Mother- "Don't argue with me!"
Me- "I'm not I'm just confused."
*BIG fight*

--I print off my grades and brought them home.--
Father- "So you're still flunking things."
Me- "No... I have 3 Ds, 2 Cs and an A."
Father- "but you're still failing half your classes."
Me- "No. D is passing."
Father- "I know that!"
Me- "So I'm not failing anything."
Father- "Yes you are don't argue with me!"

--I missed the bus like an idiot and wait for Aaron to get up.--
Me- "Hey Aaron, are you going to work?"
Aaron- "Yeah... but not for like 2 hours."
Me- "Can you give me a ride?"
Aaron- "Fuck! Then I'll be late!"
Me- "Well if you have 2 hours...."
Aaron- "Fine whatever! You're a pain in the ass."