Compulsion

I was driving around Fairbanks. From Fairview Manor to the airport. From the airport to the University. From the University down Collage Road and around into downtown. For the first time in notable memory I hit every single green light. Every little happy, round, signal of accession. Why I was driving, I'm not sure. All I wanted to do was stop. All I wanted was one of those little lights to give me a break. Let me rest for a bit. Give me time to breath between my agitated breaths. But none of them permitted. It was as if they wanted me to keep driving. They wanted me to keep going... keep moving. It might make me crazy but a small part of me found myself wishing those inanimate and persistent glowing, emerald lights could hear me say, "Thank you."

Carefull

Your friends don't have to like you.
They don't have to forgive you.
They don't have to be there.

Carefull.

Restraint

I wish I could let myself expand who I am to people. I take on a very specific role in a person's life. And however much I want to expand I feel restricted to the place I feel I have to be.

To you I'm your emotional outlet. Wish we could just have fun...
To you I'm your verbal punching bag. Can't we have a nice conversation???
To you I'm a goofball. The silly one who always has something to say. Can you take me seriously???
To you I'm held at a distance. You've built a wall we both know I can see through. Wish you'd build me an invisible door...

Some people know how to just get to people. They know how to make people open up. Know how to appeal to their emotions. Know how to make them let their hair down. Know how to draw them closer. I need an invitation.

Stuck

Sometimes I just get scared. Where is my life going? I know I have plans. But plans rarely work. The only real way I get anything done is if I do things in the moment. Spontaneously. But that's not even my personality anymore. I don't feel comfortable making rash decisions. Also, I'm a procrastinator. A cautious procrastinator with little sense of direction.

Not really sure how to get anywhere...