Hello?

Out of curiosity, does ANYONE read this blog anymore? I haven't gotten a comment in forever. If you read this would you mind leaving a quick comment? Just so I know if I'm rambling to myself or not. Thanks.

Identity Crisis

"I don't care about the past, I believe in the power to reinvent yourself." - Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) in Season One of Smallville.

This is one of my favorite quotes. Such strong belief in the dominance over his own own identity is initially inspiring. I look back at pictures of me in high school, or even just last year and there's a part of me that feels very detached from the girl I see. Who was she? Who is she now? Time disregarded, how much metaphysical space can be created between a previous and current individual? To what depth is this change capable of achieving? I love knowing people can, and often do, adjust their actions and disposition to become better versions of themselves. However the longer I think about this purported reformation the less I find myself having any faith in it at all. One might question, if after a considerable magnitude of development, how they can be held to the same identity as before. Is it possible for a being to undergo enough characteristic modification to become another person entirely? Is the reformed sinner truly a new man? Or has he merely been brought back to an innate setting, balancing out a natural assemblage of good and evil? To me, the practicability to an absolute recreation of the core components of personality seems impossible. I believe there are key points forming an identity that belong to a set of some irremovable primordial cluster of traits. These inborn attributes are brought to the forefront of complexion by varying factors and experiences. Whether the evolution of self is progressing in a positive or negative direction I think the action manifests by a brightened spark that can neither be added nor removed from within the individual. Is it possible for someone to reinvent himself, such as my favored quotes sates? No, I don't think so. Sorry Smallville, not this time.

Yes. Exactly.

I've tried to put this subject into my own words countless times. But discussing religion is a tricky thing. But basically this video says it all. Here goes...

"You'll get by without me if you want."

I over think most things. Those who are close to me know this. I'm scared of hurting people. I'm scared of getting hurt. But honestly, playing it safe all the time is working against me. I spend so much of my life in fear. I'm constantly worried about what other people are thinking, or how they will react to something I do, say, or feel. I'm sick of it. I didn't used to be this way. It's just so difficult to do something again, that's hurt so terribly in the past. But dammit... I'm tired of hiding how I feel. I'm tired of being scared. I'm not doing it anymore. If you can't handle how I feel, or the way I act, I don't need you. If I feel more strongly than you do, so what? I'm an emotional and passionate person. Fucking deal with it.

Directions

I can see very specific paths set out in front of me right now. There are three ways I can see my life going from here, all in the short term. There's one I definitely do not want. I know this for a fact and I refuse to let it become my future. However there are two more I want to pursue. I want two different things from life right now. And I'm trying desperately to figure out a way to combine them. It would take some cooperation, some sacrifice and some very stable common ground. It is possible, I can see that. But I don't want to be presumptuous. I don't want to rush life. I don't want to force anything. However, If it's what I want, why not just take it? There are just some things I will not live without.