White Flag

Threatening me like that proves everything I ever needed to know about you.
Stop reading my blog please.
Let me forget you ever existed.
Goodbye.

No!

If I had any control over you...
If you didn't play games with me...
If I could get away...
If you listened to doctors...
If you would just work with me...
If I understood...
If anyone could...
If you could make up your ... mind? ....
If it didn't hurt so badly...
If I wasn't me
and you weren't you
and we weren't one and the same...

House vs Emily

In the epic battle of House vs Emily: House 1 Emily 0
In the epic battle of House vs Emily plus heater: House 2 Emily 0
In the epic battle of House vs Emily plus heater and power strip: House 3 Emily 0
In the epic battle of House vs Emily plus heater, power strip and extention cord. House 4 Emily 0
In the epic battle of House vs Emily plus heater, power strip, extention cord and 3 new outlets: House 7 Emily 0
In the epic battle of house vs Emily plus heater, power strip, extention cord, a second extention cord and a new outlet: House 8 Emily 0
In the epic battle of House vs Emily: House wins. Emily sleeps on the couch.

Disappointment

I avoided posting this blog for a long time. ... Oh well. Here it is!

I feel the need to express a slight amount of disappointment to our generation of morons. Everyone is pregnant!! I mean... Yeah there's mistakes that happen but people who get caught by surprise really have to be fucking idiots. Babies... we know what causes them now! It's an age of knowledge! We know what causes it, we know how to prevent it. Have all the sex you want but if you wind up preggo don't come crying to me because I may be sympathetic but I'll think you're dumb. Birth control shithead, BIRTH CONTROL!!! If you simply can't be bothered by it, that's your bossiness but... seriously, why be surprised when you get pregnant or get someone pregnant if you had sex, without protection??? Shut up. Go to wallmart. Buy the cheapest shit they got and you'll be better off.

You have to have a licence to drive a car, but any idiot can have a baby.

For Now

It's weird feeling like I have control over my life. But suddenly, that's how I feel. I don't know what did it but finally things fell into place. Finally.

I'm not going to collage next year. I've decided on that much. I don't have the money yet. I don't have the ambition at the moment and I feel the need to do a little more living. That being settled I feel better in general.

Christian and I are talking again. I don't know what will happen with that if anything at all and I don't much care. I'm just glad to be talking to him again. I'm slowly getting my answers and it's such an incredible freedom. I feel lighter. The world is a little brighter. I'm healing.

Adam and I aren't really talking. Who knows why. He'll probably show up with a "broken cell phone" story again but, eh... whatever. I know he cares about me. Someday he'll remember and for now I don't need him so I'm not gonna make a big deal! I don't hurt from him.

Egan and I don't talk. And it's okay. Whatever that was with us is over and I don't think about it much and he moved on with his life. Sure, I hear it still sucks but it's not my fault anymore which has got to be nice for the both of us. I don't hurt from him.

My friendships are currently in a good place. I'm not fighting with anyone at all. I'm not being smothered and I don't think I'm smothering. I'm getting closer to some people and drifting from others and it's all okay.

Right now I just feel in control. Come tomorrow who knows how I'll feel. I have my days. I'll feel totally pulled together and in control then I'll wake up the next morning and fall apart. I just need to get out of high school I'm sure. In the very recent past I've felt depressed every day. All day every day but now, it comes and goes. I notice the lows more because I have something to compare it to. But the highs are amazing. It's so nice to live. I had SO many people walk out of my life because I was depressing. Well suck my nonexistent dick world! I'm happy!! Fuck all of you who couldn't wait that long for me to get better. Looks like I don't need you after all =)

Balance

I have a hard time opening up to people.

I open up to people too easily.

... I can never find the balance. I hold myself in... I keep my distance until someone gets one little thing out of me.. Then it all floods out and I pour my emotions all over the place. Then I feel incredibly embarrassed and avoid the person. Or... never tell them anything again which confused people. I've tried very hard to find the balance between not enough and too much information... I don't think I can ever manage it.

Tonight I am myself again

I can't write. I can't talk. I can't explain myself or express my emotions like I once could. I feel so full of words and feeling but the ONLY way for me to get them out is crying, screaming, laughing... I cry, and it makes me feel better. I scream and I release the pain. I laugh because I need to. I have nothing else but these pitiful actions to express my emotion to the world outside this body. I feel like I used to. I feel different tonight than I felt last night. Really, yes I feel different every night but tonight... tonight I feel my past. My past... I'm 18. What past? You want to know what past?? *sigh* ... It hurts me. I hate it. My thoughts keep getting less and less profound. I used to have a way with words. Someone, read my mind. Someone hear my screams. For Christ sake I'm screaming so you'll hear me! I'm crying so you'll hold me! I laugh so you'll love me. I feel so trapped. I feel to confined. Useless. Unwanted. Insignificant. Forgettable. I feel like myself tonight. I feel it more... Me is an emotion. Living life doesn't make me me. It's this emotion! This need for expression! This inability to relate. I can't make you understand me. I can't make you hear me. Someone... read my mind?

People who need people

People,
People who need people,
Are the luckiest people in the world
We’re children, needing other children
And yet letting a grownup pride
Hide all the need inside
Acting more like children than children
Lovers are very special people
They’re the luckiest people in the world
With one person, one very special person
A feeling deep inside your soul
Says you were half now you’re whole
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person who needs people
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world
--Barbara Streisand

Last Semester

1- Pop Novels
2- Modern Brit Lit
3- Economics
4- Marine Bio
5- Team Activities
6- Philosophy

I'm gonna make some predictions.

Pop Novels- B
Brit Lit- B
Econ- A
Marine Brio- A
Gym- A
Philosophy- C

Hmm... Yeah that sounds about right I think. I really just wanted to see the change. Last semester all the classes I thought I'd do really well in I did horribly in and I was okay in the ones I thought would suck. Last semester of high school! YAY!!! It's kindda sad at this point it's not all that exciting... It's just a relief. I'm ready for the "real world." I'm ready to get out of the high school drama and immaturity. I'm ready to chase my dream. I'm ready to find a way to Ashley's wedding in Tennessee!!! lol.. That'll be tough... I'm ready to be done. I've been ready I think. I've grown up too fast. Tough situations have forced that into me... But I'm kind of thankful for it now. Thankful for the pain? ... No. But what didn't kill me made me older, smarter, stronger. Here's to the last semester of High School!

We Suck

Here it is!
The Blog we've all been waiting for!
Drumroll please!!!!!

A blog where Emily complains about something worth complaining about!! YAY!!!!!!
I'm sick. Very very sick. The second half of winter break was really lame because that's when I got sick. At the same time I also had to actually DO things. Dance started and work and oy.. I stayed home from the 1st day of the semester.. I slept until 2. I woke up when the doctor called. Then I went to the pharmacy. Going to sleep last night I took Fluoxetine, Famvir, Keflex, Bacitracin, Seredyn, Septra and 4 Asprin. ... Full of pills and juice. My entire body hurts. I don't know what's wrong with me. But it sucks. I have every single virus and infection in... yep in the whole world. ... Can we say sarcasm's a virus? ... Anyway. I suck. My body and I... We suck.

My Next Boyfriend

This blog is probably a horrible idea. ...oops.

-My next boyfriend will be strong willed. I need something sturdy. Something dependable and strong. I need someone who will fight WITH me and stand up for ME.
-My next boyfriend will have parents that like me. I can handle the parents not knowing I exist... But if his parents don't like me I'll have to reconsider.
-My next boyfriend will take me on dates. I don't want to go make out then WHOLE relationship!!
-My next boyfriend will trust me. He'll let me know him fully. He won't keep anything from me.
-My next boyfriend will understand that sometimes, I need space.
-My next boyfriend will be easy to talk to.
-My next boyfriend will treat me like a princess.
-My next boyfriend WILL have all these qualities or he won't be my boyfriend for very long.
-My next boyfriend's not coming around for a while... lol

Too Much Fun

That trip to Anchorage was great
I love when trying to cover up a bad girl's reputation turns into you "spreading rumors"
I love when suddenly being the "cool crowd" means you don't get time with your friends
Creepy guys... TERRIFIC!!!
Shingles+Dance outfits=FUNFUNFUNFUNFUN!!!
When the key doesn't work... TOO MUCH fun!
Sharing a house with the boys... trying to get ready... eat... oh boy
Waking up at 6:00
Uneven dance floor
Ice fog
Fireworks
Lectures
Team trips to Anchorage....
FUN!!!!

To: Arrogant Prick and Selfish Douche

*Deleted*

... Basically you two piss me off and it's a wonder you have to ask why I don't want to talk to you. You know who you are. Leave me alone.

The Game Stop Guy

There's this guy who works at the mall. He must be some kind of manager at gamestop or something because he's ALWAYS there. He comes to the cafe and gets 20oz coffees with expresso shots in them! I'm always fairly impressed. He tells me how tired I look and I tell him to go home or to a private island. We complain at each other every day. It's fun. We feel sorry for each other and life goes on. after talking to him I always think, life goes on. Today he told me I looked hurt. I told him I have shingles, mono, impantigo and I'm sore from dance. I told him he looked tired and he said he was in the emergency room the past 2 days. ...I asked why and he told me, "There's a good chance I have cancer." ... cancer he said. Cancer... The guy has a wife and kids. The guy works 20 hour days! The guy's been listening to me complain for 3 months... He's always nice. He always tips and says thank you. ... Why him?