A Good Day

I just had a really pleasant day I would like to document. Woke up feeling well rested. I didn't have a headache for the first time in a few weeks. Which was admittedly only because I had this super mysterious dream where I had a headache. I woke up from the dream at 4:00am and had a headache. So I took an Advil and went back to sleep; securing a comfortable morning for myself 3 hours later.

After waking up feeling quite well I went to get ice on the way to my job at the church. The gas station I always stop at never has ice ready. They advertise it but it's never there. They have to go to the back and waste their and my time and bag it up during their early morning rush. It might be cruel of me but I've kept going there just waiting for the day they wise up and bag some ice before it gets busy, before Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning. At the exact same time. Today, they caught on.

So I got my ice in time and therefore got to work on time and had a really good time making coffee and talking with my co workers. I went home after work at cleaned the apartment. Listening to music and dancing like a fool. Home alone, and having fun. Arthur got home, we relaxed together for a bit. After a while we did the last of the cleaning just in time to invite some friends into our home. I haven't had that many people in my home since last summer so I was a little bit nervous but things worked out well. We spent a really fun few hours playing board games with Josh, Tyler, Alisha and Katie. Four people I did not know this time last year. A nice reminder that there will always be new people to meet and new friends to make. I just wanted to post a little reminder to myself that even though there are a lot of stressful days. Some days are a lot of fun. Even when nothing particularly interesting happens. Life is good. =)

Live and Let Live

I keep wanting to write a post about this thing on my mind. This weird way everyone seems to be thinking and feeling that I am just not getting. But every time I try, I end sounding ambivalent. Which I am not. I can't find a way to express this situation. It's driving me a little bit crazy.

Dirty Little Secrets

I'm hoping to blur the lines a little bit between my two blogs. I have this one, in which I'm very filtered. An awful lot of this blog is me, trying to convince myself of something. I have a second blog; a very raw and honest place. A completely private place. I think I should start opening up to the world a little more. I know it's just a little blog that hardly anyone reads, but it's a start.

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Another Lesson In Letting Go

It seems like I've spent most of my life trying to strengthen my relationships with the people I care about. I love having friends. Who doesn't? I love feeling love for someone else. I love being loved. I get jealous very easily. I feel left out constantly. I very often see myself standing on the outside looking in, hoping I'll make it to the center one day.

The problem is I also love being alone. I love being alone with my thoughts. I love to sit for hours writing, drawing, cooking, watching movies, or just jammin' around on the Internet.  I love driving around by myself listening to music, singing. I don't sing around other people. Not the way I do alone.

I'm also very busy. I work full time, go to school part time, and maintain a relationship with my boyfriend. I don't have as much time to spend with friends as other people do. If I didn't live with Arthur I probably would hardly ever see him. My friends like to hang out late at night. I work early in the morning, six days a week. I don't mind being tired, but if I don't sleep I get sick. I guess that's what I get for getting older. Anyway, being busy and needing to sleep leaves me with very little free time. I have to kind of choose between moments of solitude, and moments with friends.

I think I'd be less upset if I accepted that the people who have more free time and time together are going to be closer than I can ever be to them. I enjoy my limited time with them but I think it's time I let go of needing to be a "best friend." I don't need to be anyones favorite. I'm not a best friend. I'm a loner, with friends. Friends I love deeply. Friends who can hang out all the time with each other. I may be on the outside looking in, and that's okay. It's pretty nice out here too. =)

The Strangest Friend

Does it make sense to desire wanting something you know is bad for you? Even with the countless warnings and studies and books and blah blah blah... When it's the only thing that makes you feel complete... When it's the only thing that makes you feel in control... The only thing that makes you feel... But it's hard to even want it. It's hard to commit. But you know, if you try, it'll stick. And for a couple weeks (at best) you will stop feeling so lonely. I'm not sure if the word, "addiction" fits. I guess you can be addicted to anything. Even sickness.

Robot Ramblings

It's been a long time since I had one of those conversations. One of those reassuring, bonding, connecting conversations. Sitting at a coffee shop with a friend. A late night phone call. It's been a long time since I felt like anyones best friend. It's been a long time since I last gave it any real thought. I haven't felt sad in a while. I haven't felt sad in months. Maybe it's the dark. Maybe I'm just tired. For whatever reason, I'm feeling it now. It's nice to feel human again.