I find nothing more cathartic and liberating than sitting with a good friend and having a truly honest and fearless conversation about my innermost thoughts and feelings. And that is something I haven't done in a very long time.

My inability to communicate leaves me with an intense feeling of pent-up expression. Everything I feel (and I admit, I often feel too much) gets trapped under my skin. Negative and positive emotions colliding together in such abundance makes it impossible for me to direct the energy outward in any logical manner. With no outlet, and no real grasp on any specific feeling at a given time, the pressure intensifies by the day.

As much as I want to say to someone,

"Hey, do you have time to talk? I feel terrible. Always. And I need your help."

or

"I have crazy bad social anxiety and would really appreciate it if you took the lead on a conversation about me."

or

"I'm moments away from implosion, care to lend an ear?"

All I can seem to manage is asking someone to have coffee, then sitting there in silence as they tell me their problems.
And don't get me wrong, I love being there for people and am glad they feel I can be trusted... I just wish I had a fraction of the courage they have when expressing their feelings. And it's probably not even "courage" to other people. It's probably "normal."

I don't know what happened to me. I can remember a time when my feelings were something I expressed to anyone willing to listen. I felt powerful expressing myself and in turn gaining the care, trust and love of people close to me.

But I've shut down.

I feel like the ones close to me don't even know me. Because anymore I don't even know me. I can't express myself to anyone else and I can't express myself to me.

All I know are disjointed feelings and incomplete thoughts.

I'm

lonely without

sad because

scared of

frustrated with

disappointed at

lost in

confused about

anxious when

I don't know what to do about this and it's been going on far too long. Over a year's gone by and I've felt the same way the whole time. I [don't]deal with it in very unhealthy ways and I know it's time to find an outlet. But I can't find a way out. And I just can't seem to ask for the help. 

Because lets face it. This is pathetic. I'm too good/smart/capable/old for this shit. And the feeling I would surely get when explaining this all would only make me feel worse. More shame, fear and regret is just not something I've got room for. 

I'm stuck.