Marriage

Is happening tomorrow. It'll be a great life.
He's amazing, and he loves me for me. What more can you ask for?

Rear View Mirror

Wrote this a little while ago...

Dear Keenan,
There's no way to put into words the way you've made me feel. And let's be honest, there never was. A part of me knows that I'm okay without you. A part of me knows I don't need you. But then there's this part that doesn't remember how to be without you. There's this part that simply was not ready to have myself torn from you. We did everything together. For a year. Over a year. We ate together, played together, laughed together and cried together. We breathed together. Our brains caught onto a similar frequency and we just went with it. Together. I don't need you to live. I don't need you to be happy. But that's what I want. More than anything right now in my life that is what I want. And for that, I need you. You've left me at this point where I don't know how to feel. confused by your mood changes and detached words and phrases. You asked me if I would take you back. And yes, I would. Because I don't feel this is the end. Whatever you decide, don't keep me waiting...

Good Morning Heartache

Good Morning Heartache
Billie Holiday

Good morning heartache, you old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache, thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you heve gone
But here you are with the dawn

Wish I forget you, but you're here to stay
It seems I met you when my love went away
Now everyday I stop I'm saying to you
"Good morning heartache, what's new?"

Stop haunting me now
Can't shake you nohow, just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight to Sunday blues

Good morning heartache, here we go again
Good morning heartache, you're the one who knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache, sit down

The Catalyst

The prospect of the upcoming winter is starting to make me very nervous. Every year I have something that gets me through. I can always keep myself occupied with work and goals. I can find people to hang out with and funny movies to watch and little adventures to go on. But I need something else. I need that little driving force that pushes me on. A little reminder to keep moving when my body and mind slow down and sink into the seeming never-ending Alaskan winter. Freshman year of high school it was all my new and amazing friends. Sophmore year it was a select few amazing friends, plus a boy, and dance. Junior year it was dance. Senior year it was dance. Last year it was Keenan.

This year... I'm scared. Which is odd for me. I'm not one to admit these fears. But here they are. So plainly set out in from of me. I don't want to be one of those girls that needs a guy. I'm not one of those girls. But anyone knows, to much time alone in winter is dangerous here. And you cannot rely on friends to just always be there, available, or even willing to help. It's a nice thought, but unrealistic.

I want to do things this winter. I want to have fun despite the cold and dark. I want to play in the snow. Have those meaningful and memorable conversations over tea or coffee, looking out into our frozen world. Safe from it. And part of it. I want to wake up on Saturday morning and marvel at the beautiful blankets of sparkling  snow covering absolutely everything. I want to appreciate winter. I want to love it.

But without that drive... Winter is dark. I'm always tired because it's always bedtime. I wake up on a Saturday morning. Cold. I wake up and I'm still tired. I wake up, put in a movie, get some food and sit on the computer all day. I go to sleep wondering how to change my stagnant life. And slip off into my dreams with feelings of loneliness and fear. Work seems harder. Sadness seems sadder. And the light that makes it's way into the small window of opportunity just looks feeble and shy.

I'm sure I will find my something. Or hold onto a pre-existing something perhaps. But there are no promises being made. There are no high hopes. All I got is small ideas and wishes. I'm sure I will figure it out. I have to... But all the same,

I'm scared.