Live and Let Live

I keep wanting to write a post about this thing on my mind. This weird way everyone seems to be thinking and feeling that I am just not getting. But every time I try, I end sounding ambivalent. Which I am not. I can't find a way to express this situation. It's driving me a little bit crazy.

Dirty Little Secrets

I'm hoping to blur the lines a little bit between my two blogs. I have this one, in which I'm very filtered. An awful lot of this blog is me, trying to convince myself of something. I have a second blog; a very raw and honest place. A completely private place. I think I should start opening up to the world a little more. I know it's just a little blog that hardly anyone reads, but it's a start.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iThing

Another Lesson In Letting Go

It seems like I've spent most of my life trying to strengthen my relationships with the people I care about. I love having friends. Who doesn't? I love feeling love for someone else. I love being loved. I get jealous very easily. I feel left out constantly. I very often see myself standing on the outside looking in, hoping I'll make it to the center one day.

The problem is I also love being alone. I love being alone with my thoughts. I love to sit for hours writing, drawing, cooking, watching movies, or just jammin' around on the Internet.  I love driving around by myself listening to music, singing. I don't sing around other people. Not the way I do alone.

I'm also very busy. I work full time, go to school part time, and maintain a relationship with my boyfriend. I don't have as much time to spend with friends as other people do. If I didn't live with Arthur I probably would hardly ever see him. My friends like to hang out late at night. I work early in the morning, six days a week. I don't mind being tired, but if I don't sleep I get sick. I guess that's what I get for getting older. Anyway, being busy and needing to sleep leaves me with very little free time. I have to kind of choose between moments of solitude, and moments with friends.

I think I'd be less upset if I accepted that the people who have more free time and time together are going to be closer than I can ever be to them. I enjoy my limited time with them but I think it's time I let go of needing to be a "best friend." I don't need to be anyones favorite. I'm not a best friend. I'm a loner, with friends. Friends I love deeply. Friends who can hang out all the time with each other. I may be on the outside looking in, and that's okay. It's pretty nice out here too. =)

The Strangest Friend

Does it make sense to desire wanting something you know is bad for you? Even with the countless warnings and studies and books and blah blah blah... When it's the only thing that makes you feel complete... When it's the only thing that makes you feel in control... The only thing that makes you feel... But it's hard to even want it. It's hard to commit. But you know, if you try, it'll stick. And for a couple weeks (at best) you will stop feeling so lonely. I'm not sure if the word, "addiction" fits. I guess you can be addicted to anything. Even sickness.

Robot Ramblings

It's been a long time since I had one of those conversations. One of those reassuring, bonding, connecting conversations. Sitting at a coffee shop with a friend. A late night phone call. It's been a long time since I felt like anyones best friend. It's been a long time since I last gave it any real thought. I haven't felt sad in a while. I haven't felt sad in months. Maybe it's the dark. Maybe I'm just tired. For whatever reason, I'm feeling it now. It's nice to feel human again.

Goodbye

The thing is, you and I should have stopped being friends years ago. Probably about four years into our friendship it stopped being healthy. We would stay in contact, pretty much so we could tell each other how to run our lives. We'd be the "shoulder to cry on" because we wanted to feel needed. Slowly everything good we were for one another faded. And we ended up doing more harm than we'd ever thought possible.

Some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever. Some people have lives that intertwine for a brief moment, and then move on. Trying to hold onto these connections when it hurts more than it helps is silly. And I hope you see that's why I let go. I gave you everything I could. And honestly after seven years of friendship, I have nothing left to give and you have nothing to give back. We used to be best friends, but now, we don't know each other at all. The best thing we can be for each other now is a fond memory. And while I do miss you, and wish I had made more of the time I had as your friend, I've said goodbye.

 

Love, Emily

Confused =/

When you truly believe that you've lost someone that means the world to you, it's very hard to convince yourself that you've got them back. And maybe even if they are back, how are you supposed to feel confident that that person will stay in your life?
It is possible. I know it is.
But building that faith back up is hard. I guess when something happens so repeatedly to you one of two things comes of it.

You get used to it.

or

You become hyper-sensitive to the situation.

Neither is good and I probably don't need to explain which of these conclusions I've fallen into.
My point is I'm confused. I'm happy and in love. Also hurt and feeling lost. For some reason I don't feel I can ask for help on this one either. I'm afraid it would do more harm than good. Anyway, I've explained how I felt a number of times. If you're saying how you feel, stating a problem, being honest and blunt and people still don't grasp the seriousness of the situation.... What's left to do?

This isn't meant to impress anyone. Sorry I haven't written anything very good in a while. I just needed to get some thoughts out.

Sometimes I freak out.
I obsess over stuff that isn't real.
Sometimes I get jealous for no reason.
I come up with scenarios and psych myself out.
Sometimes I think people are thinking something they aren't.
I'm probably wasting time and energy to things that only exist in my head.

But what if this one time, there's actually a problem?

That Moment

That terrifying moment when you wake up from a dream in which you die...

That comforting moment when you remember there's someone there to console you...

That sad moment when you realize you were wrong...

That confusing moment when you wonder if you're still in a nightmare...

That desperate moment when you run outside and cry on the ground...

That frustrating moment when your hands shake too much to text, so you have to call... even though it's 3:00am.

That hysterical moment when your voice shakes too much to talk...

That awkward moment when you realize there's been a misunderstanding...

That relieving moment when you've been brought back form the "beyond tears" stage...

That long moment when you wonder how a person can still live through feeling this way...

That depressing moment when you cuddle a sweater... because that's all you have...

That uncomfortable moment when you don't know if you'll ever be the same again...

I could have gone the rest of my life without this sequence of moments.

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

"The past is a candle at great distance: too close to let you quit, too far to comfort you.”

- Amy Bloom

I stumbled across this picture today. My kindergarten class. A Facebook friend uploaded it a few years ago. That's me, second from the right on the top row. Can't see too well from this picture but I looked like a boy. Short hair, because I liked to play with scissors. I was the tallest one in the class. And everybody loved me. I always say that kindergarten was my best year. It's when the most people liked me. My classmates used to fight over who got to play with me on recess. I was a cool kid. Always happy, energetic and creative. I'm still friends with some of those kids. Sam, Laura, Avi, Allyson. I have a few more on my Facebook. Some I only remember from this class. Some I don't remember at all. And as far as I know only one is no longer with us. (RIP Riley.) I remember the smallest things from this class. The clean up song, the playground, the sink (don't know why), The rug we all used to sit on fro story time...

Nostalgia don't see like a strong enough word. I wish I had known then how beautiful those days were. I was rarely unhappy. Life was fun and simple. I wish I had known how fondly I would look back on it. But, how can a 6 year old know these things? How do you know what you'll miss? What you'll look back fondly on...

I miss kindergarten, it was just before people started making fun on me. Before I became a "dork." I don't miss the rest of elementary school, people were mean to me. I miss middle school. I started having friends again, and started feeling like a real person. I miss freshman year of high school. Grades were good, dance, band, friends... Life was fun. I don't miss the rest of high school. I don't miss the year after high school, living at "The Heezy," wasting oxygen. I miss last year sometimes, things were hard but I had the best friends I've ever had. This past year... Who knows? I think I'm still too close to it to know. And right now... I wonder if I'll miss these days. I guess it depends on where life goes from here. You miss the times that were better than the times that fallow... So in a way, I kind of hope I don't miss this. I don't want to miss my job, because I want a better one. I don't want to miss my boyfriend, because I'd like to keep him. I don't want to miss this apartment, because I don't want to make another step down.

I guess it all comes down to living in the moment. Why miss anything if you're making the most of what you have now? Why wish for a time machine when you're exactly where you want to be? And why not be where you want to be? There's no reason for that.

Amour

Me: "You really are a conflict seeker."

Arthur: "No you're a hippopotamus."

Me: "And you don't listen to a word I say."

Arthur: "Thank you, I've been going to the gym lately."

Woops

Ever have one of those moments when you've realized you've made a drastic step backwards in the development of your emotional, physical, or spiritual advancement?

Yeah... It sucks. However with that realization you can pick yourself up and jump back on the right track. It's easier getting on the right track once you've been there before.

So thank you Me for that insight. I needed that.

Spoiler Allert, Kids!

The older I get the more frustrated I find myself becoming with the lessons they taught us as children growing up in this world. Disney teaches us that we will all find love and that love is worth any sacrifice. Our 1st grade teachers tell us we can achieve anything we want with enough hard work and we should never give up. Our parents constantly remind us that it is what's on the inside that counts.

These are all truly beautiful ideas. If the world worked this way it would be a much simpler and kinder place. And maybe that's why we were taught these ideals so young. The generations before us projecting their image of a perfect world onto us. It's a great thought. Really, it is... but life does not work this way. Don't get me wrong living your life with that kind of optimism and faith can really take you far. It's great to be so positive and you will reap the benefits. However...

You may not find love.
It's possible you'll be alone forever.
There's more to life than romantic love, and sometimes, there are thing far more important.
You cannot achieve "anything." There are many things that are impossible. And far too many things really do rely on natural talent.
You have to give up sometimes, otherwise you'll probably die at a young age over something really very stupid.
What's on the inside does matter a lot. But lets get real, life is easier for the aesthetically pleasing individual.

There are a hundred different ways I can take this thought from here. And someday I may expand on this. However today, the topic on my mind is sacrifice. One thing the sheltered 10 year old Emily had no concept of was graceful surrender. 10 year old me had no idea that loss was one of the hardest things to accept. 10 year old me was oblivious to the unavoidable lesson creeping up.
 
Give it a few years...

The first few times I lost something close to my heart I couldn't accept it. I held on to what I loved and fought for it tooth and nail. Even after the thing was gone I spent far too long holding on to what I thought was left. Had I known how much easier it was to let go. How much happier I would have been accepting the loss... It seemed like such a weak thing to do. I convinced myself that if I held on to these lost things, they'd somehow find their way back to me. Like they wouldn't have a choice. I thought I was being strong by holding on. Looking back I realize I was just too weak to abandon my delusions.

So here we reach one of the most difficult things I found about "the real world." Knowing when giving up is the bravest thing you can do. Knowing when letting go is the right course of action and accepting that you may have to hurt people, to do the right thing. I see so many people dragging their loved ones through hell just to hold onto a sliver of hope for a happy ending encompassing the team. I do believe that love is the most powerful thing on this earth. I think if you've found a connection that sparks and feeds off itself and lights the way thought the tough times, you should hold onto it tightly and give it your all. I also think that if you love someone (romantic or platonic) you should be willing to do what's best for them. At no, little or great sacrifice.

I'm NOT crazy!

I want to walk around in my own home in my pj pants/shorts and a tank top and not feel self conscious.

I want to eat the food I buy for myself.

I want to be comfortable leaving my purse or wallet on my kitchen counter or living room couch. Or in my entryway or staircase or bathroom or refrigerator or ... anywhere that isn't under the bed I'm sleeping on!

I want my house to not smell like cigarettes and weed.

I want to get a full day's sleep without being woken up by loud phone conversations and ridiculous video game sounds.

I want to listen to my music while getting ready for work and not feel stupid for singing along and jammin' out.

I want to not be too embarrassed by my messy house to have my boyfriend come over and keep me company.

I don't want to feel I have to put on makeup and brush my hair every time I leave my room for the kitchen or living room.
I want my bathroom door attached to the wall.

I want to feel safe and comfortable in my own home.

Why are people treating me like an irrational, greedy lunatic?

I've been feeling a little out of place the past week or two. I'm generally fairly happy with my life right now but something just seems off. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not sure where to go from here. Even if I did I'm not certain I'd know how to get there.

I like to think of myself not as a puzzle piece, but a puzzle, missing pieces. I've got one, maybe two sides matched up. But there's something that doesn't quite fit. It's not an empty space, but a space occupied by the wrong thing.