Bitter Sweet

Impossible. A word that haunts the very existence of mankind. However it's not the super hero, cartoon world, abarcadabra impossible that nips at our dreams. No, it's the possible impossibilities that make us stand still, hold our breath and wish with all our heart and soul. I cannot, myself alone, fly off into the sky and spin and twirl around like a bird. And that, I have learned to accept as a piece of life the way it is in this world. I cannot, in any reality of this world, make a person love me. I can't be the one to decide how another person feels or what they say or do. It's these impossibilities that shake us. Because a person CAN love me. A person CAN say what I'd like them to. Situational impossibility is the most frustrating concept I have yet to come across in life. When you pull out all the stops, release inhibitions and do everything in your power to make your dreams into reality and still find your self facing a dead end. It brings to life a question of worth. Does it make sense to play a game you know you cannot win? Do you enjoy the limited journey to the best of your ability and prepare yourself to start anew when you reach your predestined end? Or do you search for a more fulfilling and rewarding task? Life is all about the journey right? It's the emotions we feel along the way that count. It's the depths of our friendships and connections with people that we love to look back on. Seems to me if you've found something worth fighting for, whatever the chances of success are it will be worth the journey. Do what you love. Be with who you love. But keep in mind that the only constant in this world is change. There's no way of avoiding pain. And no one gets out of this world alive. I often hear the phrase, "Live like you're dying." Half the time I see people living their lives as if already dead. wondering through life half asleep, waiting for happiness to find them. Take chances. Take risks and make your own decisions. Live like you're in control, even if you're not. Live life like you're dying? No. Live life like you're living.

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams, whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me


Dream a little dream of me.

It's Settled

After many late nights, tossing and turning...
After years wondering and wishing...
After all the confusion, stress and agony...

I've finally found a solution.

I've decided to live forever.

Suck it.

Esprit De Corps

To be alone is one of the most feared fates of mankind. Some fear isolation above all else. Above failure, above pain and even above death. Without companionship we don't feel human. We don't feel safe. Without love in our hearts our negative thoughts and feelings bounce off the walls, piercing and reverberating through our very bones. The cushion of friendship saves us from ourselves. We need each other. We know we need each other. Yet somehow this is a world filled with lonely hearts. An incommodious bubble of disarray, collectively filing and floating through the waves of humanity without a clue as to where we will land. All of us, searching for the same thing. We're all a little scared. We're all a little lost. And from time to time it is good to remember that we all, recurrently, feel loneliness enter our hearts. While you may feel lonesome, you can be sure that in that, you are not alone.

Dialectics

Lately I've been torn between two seemingly right conflicting actions. I've tried picking the more correct choice and there isn't one. I tried choosing the lesser of the two evils and that too, led me straight to a dead end. I've danced around it every way possible. But here I am... realizing that there has to be some bad with every good. Like a yin and yang. A day and night. There is a dark side to every situation. A shadowed corner in every human soul. Thing is, life ain't no either-or proposition. It's give and take. The good and bad merging into us as one. You can run but you can't hide. My conclusion, face the darkness. Challenge it. Become it. Take control of it. Own it. When asked to dance with your dark abettor, stare it in the eye and howl a sure and confident "Yes!" Pack up your bright side and your good intentions, strap them to your back and head off on an adventure.

Home

I have an odd perception of "home" I think. I don't know if I've ever felt "home." My parents house was always uncomfortable. I felt bad vibes in that place since I can remember. And The last few years I was there, I can't remember a time I really wanted to be there. I'm sure there were times I enjoyed myself. But I can't pick any out. My immediate family is all I've ever known. Mom, Dad and Brother. Pamela, Frank and Aaron. But apparently, home, to me, is not family.

After my parent's place I moved into "The Heezy." This was a great idea at the start. Allyson had been my friend for 17 years. She was the closest thing I'd ever known to a sister. Caitlin and I had always gotten along great. The three of us together used to have so much fun. And they seemed to have their shit together. Shortly after moving in there I realized I had been blinded by the glamor of freedom to realize the reunion was a foolish idea. We were in different places in our lives. Me, trying to get everything together. Testing myself and my freedom and maturity. Them, blowing off steam and living it day by day. Testing their limits. I could only take so much of it and soon realized to me, home is not freedom.

After escaping The Heezy I moved into Fairview with Timmy. This has been a bit of an adventure. And quite a relief after my last living situation. We get along great and I can't say I have a better friend then him. I've tried to make the place comfortable. At least somewhat. However, there really is only so much you can do with Fairview Manor. It is relieving to know Timmy will be there. Sooner or later I will run into one of my best friends. And he's one of the only people I can open up to lately. I've been house sitting the past few days. And already when I refer to going there I say I'm going "home." Apparently home, to me, is not relief.

I guess to me "home" is wherever I sleep. Where my essentials are kept. A place to take a shower and charge my phone. "Home" is an illusion. Nothing more. At least, for now.

The feeling of being "at home" I understand. When I reach out for an attachment to the phrase images come to mind. On the phone with Adam late at night. Riding around blaring music with Lavina, Timmy and David. Sitting on the bridge in the summer. Sitting on the pipeline in the woods, watching the sunset. Sitting on the grass downtown, talking with Marc. Watching glee at the Sabo's with the gang. My feeling of being "at home" is a collage of moments. Beautiful, touching, memorable moments. I may have no sense of  "home" But the feeling of being there will do for now.

Maybe this time...

He makes me:

Smile

Laugh

Blush

Hope

Dream

Feel

Excited

Nervous

Grateful

Comfortable

He makes me happy.

Happy

Feeling good again. I only wish there were more comfort in happiness. I'm just always scared it's going to go away as fast as it always comes. As it always does. But I'm trying to enjoy it. Trying to not be scared. Live in the moment for once. And just be content. Better than content. Happy. =)

And so it goes

With all sections of my life I have been standing back every so often and asking myself, "What are you doing?"
What am I doing?
Self destrustion. Lies. Fun. Random. Betrayal.
And why?
Control. Fear. Boredom. Mirth.

But really...
It's just life.
Life in it's entirety. The messed up, twisted, deplorable things we do for amusment.
And the meaningful, kind and beautiful things we do, because our hearts tell us to.

Such is life.

Here we go again.

... nothing.

I have so much to blog about right now. More than I've had to write in a good year and a half. There is just so much to think about and so much going on. My blog has gotten boring. Very boring. For some reason I just can't put anything into words. And even if I can I don't want to post anything... To anyone who gives a crap about this blog, Sorry!

Mission Accomplished

Fact:
I worked very hard to become this person.

... ... ...

Can I tell you a secret?

I hate being this way.

Right or Left?

The problem, I've found, with successfully ignoring all your emotions for quite a while is the recovery. When they come back. It's terrifying. It's easier to act by logic and habit than by emotions. But it makes you cold and distant. Distant from yourself. You know it's wrong, but it is what it is. And then, your heart wakes up. And suddenly it hurts, and is excited, worried, hopeful, giddy, confused and completely unmanageable. Torn by the need to finally feel again in an attempt to be happy and the defence mechanism of pushing those emotions to the back burner where they belong. I'm good at pretending. It's come to be a defining piece of my personality. I'm currently at a crossroads of self management. And at a total loss of which way to go. I don't have a clue. I can't figure out what's best for me.
I don't want advice.

Let me tell you something

You hurt me. Every day. We both pretend, me out of courtesy, you out of fear. I miss you. I can help you. I need you. I love you. When asked who's the most important person in my life, I replied with your name. You are my number one. You were here for so long. You helped me like no one else could. You make my existence make sense. You're falling away from me... again. And I'm so scared to move in any direction. I'm losing you. I can feel it. And I'm not going to do anything about it.

Marriage

Is happening tomorrow. It'll be a great life.
He's amazing, and he loves me for me. What more can you ask for?