Summer '11 memories

This summer has been so full and exciting. I've spent so many beautiful days and nights reaching out and getting to know my friends better. Every Summer I wish I kept a list. Something to look back on. Then I realized that's kinda what my blog is for anyway. It's a place I can go to remind myself of what I've done, felt and thought. So here's my list from this summer so far. The most memorable of events =)

Time with friends...
Birthday festivities with Timmy and Meghan.
Floating the river with Ashleigh.
Playground time with Laci and Daniel.
Getting junk food with David and eating it on itchy terrible grassy fields.
Swings with Timmy and eclectic groups.
Hunting Cake with Marc and Joe
Solstice Fair walking around with Laci and Sean
Awkward bolwing with Hannah, Blaine, Vince and Buster.
Eventually finding and watching A Comedy of Errors with Lavina.
Dressing up getting ready for costume parties with Hannah.
Working out, eating Thai food and talking about boys with Laci.
Staying up until 7am talking philosophy with Ivyl, Jacob and Aaron.


The parties...
Harry Potter party at Sam's- Then seeing the movie with Sam, Sam, Laura and Marc
The Deity party- Tackled by a nun.
The movie character party- "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim, cha-roo!"
The white trash party- Then Family Restaurant group
Ashleigh's Birthday Party- We found a boat!
The accidental party at Timmy's- Battle Waltzing!
Girls night at Hannahs' =P

The events...
Clucking Blossom- Got The Court back together for a second.
The failed flash mob- Got to dance so whatever!
AYP- Painted Lavina's stomach, preformed, chilled with Mikey, Kat, Atigun, Sean, David.
The Hot Mess- Preformed at The Marlin


The trips...
Life altering trip to Arizona.
Hiking Trip with Laci, Elle and Alisha
Mind blowing trip to Anderson.
Chena Hot Springs trip with Laura and Sam.
Camping with Adam.

The boys...
Adam, Lee, Alex, Ethan
lol If nothing else I have some pretty good stories!

I'm sure there is more to come. The fair is coming up and that always ends up being an adventure. And I'll probably have to come back and add to what I remember anyway.

Loving Moments

It's nights like last night that really open up my mind to possibility. Enjoying the company of people who I do not know outside of that moment. A large conglomerate of people from different faces of life. Laughing, drinking, singing and loving the moment. Then a smaller group. Sitting, smoking, drawing, talking about life, love and loss. All of us just a step away from the boundaries of our comfort zones. We were exchanging opinions and thoughts. The room slowly filling up with smoke and the tensions we had been releasing from lips. Finding ways to communicate. Not understanding each other, but understanding life and the beauty of the confusion and unfamiliar ground we were so peacefully bound to, in that moment. It's impossible to describe. It's impossible to put into words or even clear thoughts. But if I can go to sleep this morning with this one absolute I am content. Right now things seem so clearly abstract. The world is a beautiful place.

By the way...

Please, if you have something to say and want it taken seriously, let me know who you are. All comments are subjective and if I don't know who's posting them (especially if they're rude or confrontational) they don't travel far into my emotions or thought processes.
Thank you =)

One more

And the Helix there at the top. Woops.

Masks

Liking someone is never as straightforward as you'd like. Being honest, is honestly pretty difficult. Being together isn't as simple as being. Loving isn't as facile as love.

And more often than not what's easy isn't what's right.

Speaking from the heart at 1:30am...

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Piercings

For some reason I have decided to document my piercings. So.. um well here they are! In order of how exciting they are.

Three in my left lobe and a cartilage.

Three in my right lobe and a Tragus.

Navel

 Two dermal anchors in my nape

So there you have it.At the moment I have to plans for future piercings. Unfortunately I'm out of ones I want. But if I change my mind I might post a picture depending on where it is =P lol jk

Wishing

Days like this remind me why I go to the lengths I go to to become this person I'm working at becoming. Days like this when I go to the gym and work off every last bite of food I've consumed. Days like this when I reach out to people who give me little to nothing back. Days like this when I make appointments to get my hair done for a price I can't afford. Days like this when I try my very hardest not to say anything disagreeable or offensive. Days like this when I keep my mouth shut in fear of saying something wrong. Days like this when I stare into the mirror for lengthy amounts of time, wishing I was born with different skin. Days like this break my heart. There aren't many days like this. I love life and I love me. But sometimes, on days like this, I wish someone else did too. 

Chin up Bright Eyes, loneliness can't last forever.

Love Birds

I found a baby bird yesterday in Alaska Land. Adam and I were walking around and found him on the ground. Put him back in the nest but an hour later he was on the ground again. So I took it with me. I was going to take the poor thing to the vet but they were closed until Monday so I just took it home. Made a little nest type thing in a box, put it under a lamp and have been feeding it little pieces of shrimp. I must say I rally do enjoy the company. Right now it's perched on the lamp singing with me. I turn on music and it just kinda looks around but once I start singing it chirps with me! I feel like freaking snow white. It's great. Gonna miss this little thing come Monday.

The Hot Mess

"I'm sorry about this. It's like I only Drag you into things that suck." -David
"Haha yeah I don't know why I listen to you anymore." -Me
"Because It's all you got." -David

Well shit...

Peaceful Loss

I seem to be playing a lot of games lately. There's this theme in life right now that I'm beginning to catch onto. The art of peaceful loss. I learned a few months ago that some things can be let go of without struggle. And I don't just have to pretend anymore. I can let go with confidence and ease. Finally I am capable of saying, "Hey, this isn't good for me. I don't need it in my life."
A friend who didn't respect me.
A man who could never love me.
A sister who didn't want me.
And a boy who used me.
All of these people I love on various levels. All four of them I care about to no end. Each one of them has made my life better and brightened my world. But right now, none of them need to be in my life. They might wonder back. I may have let my emotional attachments go but I am not above working to rebuild. Life will never stop moving and changing and I think a big part of finding happiness is learning to move and change with life, without losing yourself along the way. And that's my 2am rant on friends and lovers and the in-between.

"Frankly my dear..."

"She just doesn't like you."

"I always got the impression you were kind of a slut in high school."

"You said you don't normally make a good first impression. ... I'm gonna have to agree with that."

"You're just unpleasant to be around."

These are all things that have been expressed to me about myself and my life in the past few weeks. They hurt to hear but hearing these statements helps me a lot. I have some serious work to do. Most of my personality has been formed by my need and want to be loved. And it's led me to this. A life where only a very few select people seek my company. I've been standing in this uncomfortable and confining box for far too long. Goodbye limits! Goodbye over-abundance of self control! Goodbye insecurities! Because you know what world? I'm young. I'm beautiful. I'm interesting and I'm fun. Maybe not in the ways you're looking for. Maybe not in the ways you expect. But I am everything I need to be. I just need to find it all within myself. And I will. And when I do I'm not going running after anyone looking for approval. Because I don't give a damn what you think.

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Gravity Be Dammed

Things are confusing, hectic and difficult lately. I'm losing and gaining and compromising left and right. Nearly all aspects of my life the way I knew it three months ago have changed. I'm succeeding and failing in places I didn't previously know even existed. Times are hard... And times are great. I'm getting all this crazy exposure and I can feel it rounding out the jagged edges of my life. I have a long way to go and I honestly would not have it any other way. I've learned to love new things and people while learning I can still love the things I've lost and am losing with respect and appreciation for how they've helped shape my life. I've opened up my heart and mind to the idea of possibility. What is gone isn't lost and what is not yet or ever present still exists. I love life. More than that I love MY life. And all the little attached or broken pieces. Life is looking up.


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Catch and Release

I'm not going to shed a single tear for this. Another missed opportunity. Another name to add to the list of "what ifs." One more fish in the sea. But I can accept this. I didn't get a chance to know you very well, but I know enough to see you as a beautiful human being. It's sad. It's frustrating. Also, it's not a big deal. I have other options and better things coming. But loneliness wasn't my motivation. You were. I'm not writing this off completely. The future is a mystery and I wouldn't doubt our paths will cross one day. Until then, if then exists, I'm content just knowing I live in the same world as you. That thought alone makes things a little brighter.


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Just ranting. Will probably delete later.

You may have fooled me at the time, but given 24hours thought on the conversation shed some new light. You tried disguising your insecurities with yourself in concern for me. "How are you going to handle this?" "We don't want you to get hurt." "You're awfully young." ... Like anyone cares that much about someone they just met. I'll be fine I'm a big girl, I know what I'm getting into and I fully understand the risks involved. Yes, this is confusing and new but since when is new a bad thing?? Yes, I have conflicting emotions... So what? You're not the one who has to feel them. You kept imying that I don't know what I want and I contradict myself. That may be but you know who else doesn't know how I feel or what I want?? You. So don't you dare pull this mothering, protective bull shit on me. Babe, I'm not buying it. You demand all this truth from me but you're hiding your real emotions under this transparent blanket of condescending insults. I gave you full control of the situation and you're abusing it to the best of your abilities. The reason you have complete control? You deserve it and obviously have the right to it. This much, I know and accept. But if you want to take advantage the way you are you better know you're disapointing more than just me. If you want me gone, fine I'm gone. But at least have the nerve to realize it for what it is. You don't believe me, but I don't need this. Just say the word. I can handle it. I'm only 20, but I'm not a god damn child.

Happiness vs Love

I know what I want... But I'm kind of hoping I can't have it. The one thing standing in my way is starting to feel like a blessing... Maybe I'm not just scared. Maybe I know what's good for me and for once I'm telling myself to protect me. Me, before anyone else. Maybe this time together isn't enough. No matter how safe it is, no matter how direct the situation is, no matter how right it feels... Maybe this time I'm not willing to be another kind of miserable. Love and happiness are not the same thing.

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